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Forum: The Other Side
Thread (Discussion): Unknown about the future
Message 173458
all help/comments invited
Posted by katiebird
on Feb 20, 2006 12:32 AM | Also by katiebird
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 21 - 29,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Hi all, im new to this forum and site. Im not a RSO myself but my boyfriend is. He is still currently serving his 6 month sentence. But my questions are probably all you have been asked before but this is all new to me and i just really have no idea whats in store for us in the future. I know what has happened and i am going to stand by him forever. his crime isnt as bad as it sounds. i hate that he has to be classified in with all the SO's. anyways.. we plan to get married and have kids some day. how is this all gonna effect us? what happens when he gets out? How hard is it gonna be for him to get a job? a place to live? etc. Btw we live in south dakota but he has said he is willing to relocate to a different state if need be. I was thinkin minnesota. Im just nervous about what kinda bumps in the roads we are gonna come to. i can deal with what people are gonna say and think, i know him, i know what happened, thats all that matters to me but i wanna know what life with him is still gonna be able to be "normal". does anyone have any positive help for me? i guess the negative i need to hear as well...
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Message 173461 (In Reply to Message 173458)
Hi Katie
Posted by june5
on Feb 20, 2006 02:12 AM | Also by june5
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I sent you a PM
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Message 173462 (In Reply to Message 173458)
Posted by Renunciation
on Feb 20, 2006 02:27 AM | Also by Renunciation
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: Bahrain |
I would recommend against having kids.
It would be an act of pure selfishness to bring a child into the world to live as the offspring of a sex offender. Not because of him, but because of society.
The child would go through a living hell and no child deserves that.
Renny
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Message 173463 (In Reply to Message 173458)
Katie
Posted by june5
on Feb 20, 2006 02:29 AM | Also by june5
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I also sent you a PM, but I noticed on your post that you are not married yet. I know I will probably be called a hypocrite, because I am married to an SO, but I would recommend that you DO NOT marry this guy.
I say this because my husband is an SO, he became one after several years of marriage. I can honestly say that I would not have married him if he had this status before we got married. In my opinion, marriage makes things different.
I don't know what your boyfriend did, but at the very least can we say he did something that a guy in a serious relationship shouldn't have been doing? Let's take the sex offense out of it: if he had just cheated on you, and not done anything illegal, why stay with him? The joy of not being married is that you can, and should, dump a guy for any and no reason!
I feel kind of bad saying this, because SO's are worthy of finding love and being married as much as anybody else. I guess it would be different if you had met him as an SO who offended a long time before you met him.
In your situation, am I right to assume that he committed this crime while in a relationship with you? If that is the case, he has betrayed you also. You are not married to him, and you can easily walk away from this situation and find someone else. How will you feel if you marry him and he does something else to betray you? You will feel bad knowing that you should have known it would happen given what he's done before you were married.
All I can say is that if my husband had committed a sex offense, embezzlement, or any other crime while I was with him and before we were married, I wouldn't have married him. If it had been made known to me that he cheated on me before we got married, I wouldn't have married him. The same goes if you were engaged to a guy who yelled at you or had a drinking problem. Don't marry someone like that when you know exactly what you are getting into!
I would have a hard time telling anybody to ever get a divorce short of abuse, but you aren't married. Please think long and hard about this before you do it. It is going to make life alot harder (see my PM). I'm sure you love him, but as any married person could tell you, it takes a whole lot more than love for a marriage to survive.
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Message 173466 (In Reply to Message 173458)
More food for thought...
Posted by june5
on Feb 20, 2006 02:52 AM | Also by june5
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
When I first posted here because my husband had been convicted of a sex crime, I was asking for advice just like you. Another wife of an SO sent me a PM. She said that her husband committed a misdemeanor sex crime while they were married. She told me that there is always more that you don't know about. She told me not to be surprised if my husband was also cheating on me regularly or seeing prostitutes. When I first read it, I thought that there was no way. Then I realized that I also used to think there was no way my husband would ever be covicted of any crime, let alone a sex crime. Just the thought of it made me sick. I threw up.
I did find out later that my husband had cheated on me many times, by his own admission. Doesn't make him a criminal, doesn't make him a good husband or citizen, either. I believe he has changed. Doesn't mean your boyfriend won't change either. But why take a chance? What don't you know?
Think about it: maybe his crime wasn't that serious, but did you honestly think he was the kind of person who would do whatever he did do? I bet you didn't, or you wouldn't have been with him in the first place!
You seem to have alot of concern and love for your boyfriend. But the honest truth is that he wasn't thinking about your best interest when he committed this crime, even if it's not that serious. Someone committing a crime and moving on with their life is one thing. Someone committing a crime while in a relationship with you is something totally different.
It is a tremendous strain to be married to an SO. Life is not going to be normal for you, ever, until and if the current SO laws are struck down. The worst part is going to be the enormous resentment you are going to feel toward him when somehow your life is affected because of it, and you realize that it is completely his fault. Not only that, but he was with you at the time, and he didn't care enough about your well-being to not do it. I couldn't imagine starting a marriage with that kind of baggage. Please think about it.
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Message 173475 (In Reply to Message 173462)
Posted by katiebird
on Feb 20, 2006 04:46 AM | Also by katiebird
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I dont see why I should give up a right of mine and his just becuz society is gonna be agaisnt it. That would be something we would have to deal with when they get older.
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Message 173478 (In Reply to Message 173463)
Posted by katiebird
on Feb 20, 2006 04:59 AM | Also by katiebird
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
my situation is different. this man has been a very good friend of mine for over 5 years, we met and dated, it didnt work out, but we always remained good friends and pretty much just sex buddies. we would argue off and on cuz i wnated more and he didnt at the time. he didnt see me like he does now. he had a crazy addictive lifestyle going on where we would work, go out, hook up, sleep, and do it all over again. there was still always something about him, i could never let go off. i loved this man regardless of what happened. but then recently, about 6 months ago we started talkin again. he stayed with me some nights and then all nights and then moved in. we grew closer than ever before and he started falling for me cuz i was able to open up to him more. he didnt want to get involved with me knowin that he would be serving some time. but he couldnt control how he feels. we fell in love and then he had to go serve his time. its been really hard to finally get where we wanted and then to have him gone but i get to see him 2 times a week and we talk 2 times a day. but he has changed so much... hes not who he was when the crime happened. and we werent involved at the time. i wasnt even talking to him when he did it. he made a mistake. and hes payin for it now and will for a long time. im not sure on all the laws of south dakota or surrounding states, if we have to move to one for things to be easier on us. thats something i would like some help on too, where can i find all this information???
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Message 173481 (In Reply to Message 173475)
Kids
Posted by june5
on Feb 20, 2006 05:49 AM | Also by june5
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Katie you don't have to give up having kids because society is against it. That is your right. I think Renny is just showing concern about how your kids may be treated based on their father's status. You might be forced to deal with it sooner than you want to, such as if your kid is in kindergarten and some other kids are making fun of him or her. Not to mention all the parents who are not going to let their kid go to your house, or let your kid go to theirs. It will happen. As a practical matter, I am not aware of any states that don't have some sort of proximity law keeping SO's however many feet away from school property. It would be really difficult to have a child if your husband is not allowed to set foot on school property: that means he can't give the kid a ride to school or go to his kid's basketball game.
As far as which states will be easier for you two; look at the sex offender registries online for the states that you are interested in. They will all have links that will lead you to the various laws of that state, so you will be able to find out which states have community notification, etc. Bear in mind that the laws of each state are subject to change at any time; many states are increasing the "penalties" for RSO's.
Note that you aren't even married yet and you already have to check out all these laws to find out where you might live. The amount of things like this that you will be doing and will be affected by will only increase once you are married. I suggest that if you have not already, start telling your friends and neighbors' about your fiance's status. Their reactions will give you some indication of what you will be facing on a regular basis after you are married.
I am a big-mouth and I will shut up now! Katie, I really hope that you are right about your fiance and that everything works out for you.
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Message 173486 (In Reply to Message 173478)
Katie
Posted by amberleaf
on Feb 20, 2006 07:50 AM | Also by amberleaf
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: West Virginia,
Country: United States |
Katie,
Follow your heart. Don't let others do your thinking for you. You are an intelligent person, you should be able to see if this man has what it will take to make you happy. I was married to an abusive alcoholic for almost 26 years. I am now married to a wonderful, loving and caring man who happens to have a stupid label attached to him. But, he is a person and not a label. Had it not been for him a few years ago, I would no longer be on this earth. Look at the person and not the label.
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Message 173487 (In Reply to Message 173478)
Posted by dp1
on Feb 20, 2006 11:30 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
At least you know where you stand with him. I guess after 5 years he was tired of seeing you chase him. When he gets out he can start the running all over again. Aren't ya glad children aren't in the picture?
Can you tell us about his crime?
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Message 173498 (In Reply to Message 173475)
life with an RSO
Posted by texaslady92778
on Feb 20, 2006 04:27 PM | Also by texaslady92778
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Oklahoma,
Country: United States |
How about when the neighbors tell their child not to play with yours. This happened to my husband. He has visitation with his son. It's like they think it'll rub off on the child. And there was a post on this fourm where they took the child away from the mother when it was born because the father was a RSO and they didn't live together. Granted I married my husband knowing of his RSO status. I went to Jr high and high school with him. But my child is 27 and we now couldn't have any anyway. We will have our third annv. the 22nd and things have gotten worse. We moved out of the city because of the proximity laws in Oklahoma. My husband says if he ever looses this job he will be a house husband because of the difficulty finding another job. He has had this one 20 years. We can't take my gson (10) and his son(11), to the park, playground, public swimming pools, amusment park, chucky cheese restraunt and maybe soon the library because that's where children congregate. So it is something to think about and only you can decide if this relationship is worth it. My husband is the most honest, caring, and worthwhile man I have ever met. He made a horrible decision which They have decided he must pay for the rest of his life. He molested one of his children. No other crime commited requires this. Good luck
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Message 173500 (In Reply to Message 173458)
I too married a Sex Offender
Posted by fireflybabe
on Feb 20, 2006 04:51 PM | Also by fireflybabe
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Hello. I can honestly tell you that I know from experience. I live that life on a daily basis. I was the victim, though. I was 15 and he was 21. We had consisual sex and he ended up in jail for 1 year. You can read more about the whole story in one of the other forums things about victim rights. Anyways, after I turned 18 we got married and had a baby. We were forced out of our 1st house in Deltona, Fl not by our neighbors, but by the media and sherrifs office. We had obeyed all the rules, by the city doesn't want offenders in the city. We even are stuck paying capital gain tax on the proceeds of our house (we sold it 3 months too early) which is about $10,000. We moved in to a different county and in the country. I can't say that having your address posted on the internet isn't stressful, because it is. We have cops checking up on his address at all hours of the night. If anything happens near by, they immediately suspect my husband. It's hard, but if you're up for a challange. I believe that everyone is entitled to be happy, and that not every registered sex offender should be feared. Some, of the offenders, did some thing that wasn't that wrong, or was only wrong if you look at the legal point. Legal consent age in FL is 16, even though you enter high school with 18 years olds when you're 14. Actually if a 16 and 14 year old had sex, the 16 year old can go to jail. It could be, and usually is completely consentual. I have strong oppinions about the legal consent age, and the way society treats offenders. I don't think you should let society dictate how you should live your life. Just remember to be careful, and always keep your gaurd up. You will become a target of ridicaul. But remember honesty helps, you'd be supprised how many people know about my husband and don't care. They know him, and what he did, and they think it's stuppid that he's on the sex offender's list.
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Message 173521 (In Reply to Message 173481)
june5
Posted by rodsmith
on Feb 20, 2006 10:35 PM | Also by rodsmith
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
that's when the school and teacher need to be sued for allowing the harrassment to happen...and the kid's mother and father need a little crack up side the head...you can't hit the kid..but parent's are just a fine....
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Message 173547 (In Reply to Message 173475)
Posted by Renunciation
on Feb 21, 2006 05:00 AM | Also by Renunciation
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: Bahrain |
I dont really care about your rights.
I happen to be the stepfather of a young girl who is abused, teased and shunned because of me. She is not my victim. She was not part of the crime.
She is my newest victim, victim of my selfishness to not abandon her and her mother when every gut instinct tells me her life could only get better without me in it.
You have the right to have a kid.
Can you take the pain in that childs eye when they come home covered in feces, bruised, friendless, teachers LAUGHING at her when the other kids tease her? And the latest.................. being shot at with a BB gun.
How important is having a child?
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Message 173552 (In Reply to Message 173547)
Renny
Posted by june5
on Feb 21, 2006 08:48 AM | Also by june5
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Your post made me cry. That is such a heartbreaking situation and I wish something could be done about it.
I was maybe 25% convinced that I wanted to have kids before I found myself in my current situation. I then decided that I absolutely wouldn't because of my husband's status. It wasn't a hard thing for me to give up at all. Some people have a very strong desire to have children. If I had that desire I would have had no choice but to divorce my husband and marry someone else. My husband already has kids and doesn't mind if we don't have any. If you feel you must have children, you should do it with someone else.
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Message 173560 (In Reply to Message 173547)
renny
Posted by texaslady92778
on Feb 21, 2006 01:55 PM | Also by texaslady92778
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Oklahoma,
Country: United States |
Your poor child, I too was made fun of in school. I was heavy and most of the time didn't have any friends either. This was in grade school. My sin was telling my best friend in 3rd grade about my brothers sexual abuse when I was about 3 or 4. He went to prison for another crime(not sexual) and didn't come out til I was almost out of grade school. No one came to me even though I was acting the abuse out with barbee dolls and practicing on my friends I was just told not to come back over and was the kid with germs. And I was always jumped on. So I do feel for your daughter.
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Message 173586 (In Reply to Message 173560)
texaslady
Posted by june5
on Feb 21, 2006 07:39 PM | Also by june5
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
That is horrible. It is a shame that while so many are claiming to care about the victims, especially kids, so many are really not showing victims any sort of kindness whatsoever. And the kids of the RSO's are innocent victims, too.
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Message 173599 (In Reply to Message 173500)
fireflybabe
Posted by amberleaf
on Feb 22, 2006 02:27 AM | Also by amberleaf
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: West Virginia,
Country: United States |
You are strong and you can handle this. You have proven that. Just think of the open minded child you will raise. Katie, you can think of that as well. These children may very well be the ones making the laws one day and they need to learn all aspects of life to do this. You are helping them along the way. My husband and I are raising two of our grandchildren. They haven't really had any problems AT ALL. Their friends come and play, and they go to their friends homes to play. We are completely open about everything. Another good thing about what you are living now is that your children will KNOW the laws. You will make sure of that. Our grandchildren know the age of consent, what it means, the difference between good touch and bad touch and who all they can go to. They also had to be told what NOT to do. Where NOT to touch to include bra snapping, etc. So you can really raise a very aware child. Just don't allow it to be done with hysteria. Our grandchildren love their Pawpaw irregardless of his past, his label, etc. They know they are loved and taken care of the way they should be and they are thankful for that. Yes, they worry about their parents and the fact that they are not doing right by them, but they are doing great in school, have lots of friends and are happy children despite the possible obstacles of a label. As a matter of fact, what their parents are doing by not taking care of them like they should is harder on them than their Pawpaw's label.
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Message 173601 (In Reply to Message 173560)
Posted by Renunciation
on Feb 22, 2006 03:15 AM | Also by Renunciation
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: Bahrain |
Aren't the "good people" of American society great!?
R
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Message 173611 (In Reply to Message 173560)
Posted by dp1
on Feb 22, 2006 04:32 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I think the saddest part about sexual abuse is that the victimization obviously goes far beyond the primary victim, yet offenders commit their crimes anyway. It's a mind blower how selfish a sex crime really is. The lack of empathy simply reeks.
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Message 173639 (In Reply to Message 173611)
dp1
Posted by june5
on Feb 23, 2006 08:16 AM | Also by june5
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
It sure does go far beyond the primary victim, as you can see from many of the posts the offender's leave about their own children, or the pain their wives and others must deal with. I don't know if it is lack of empathy--probably just disregard? I don't think the offenders realize these consequences before they commit their crimes. I believe many of them wouldn't have done it otherwise. In my opinion what makes all types of criminals different than us is that most of them didn't have the capacity or habit of thinking ahead. Criminals don't tend to be "planners." It's not just sexual abuse that has this ripple effect--imagine all of the pain families feel when a loved one goes to prison--it really doesn't matter what the crime was. Many felons, including most SO's on this board, do feel horrible guilt when they realize the pain they have caused. It is really too bad that the ones who have learned from their mistakes--and their families--are unable to go on and lead their lives without being taunted by others I don't know what Renny did, but ostensibly he has served his time within the criminal justice system. Whatever hell his family went through during that time you could say was his own fault. But the pain his poor stepdaughter is going through now is not his fault, it is the fault of the nasty people who are lashing out at her.
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Message 173658 (In Reply to Message 173639)
june5
Posted by rodsmith
on Feb 23, 2006 06:38 PM | Also by rodsmith
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
i agree with you...and if that was my daughter or granddaugher and somebody was causing her pain or harassing her because of me and i had an id of just who it was they would be feeling that pain also...with interest....and i would dare the authorities to say one damn word about it... because if they were doing their JOB it wouldn'd be happening.
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Message 173665 (In Reply to Message 173611)
DP1
Posted by Renunciation
on Feb 23, 2006 06:56 PM | Also by Renunciation
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: Bahrain |
I sometimes jest that I earned myself a lifetime supply of victims.
Anyone who ever comes into my path is a victim in one form or another.
Family.
Employers.
Deputy assigned the crap job of registering us.
Future friends.
Grandchildren.
And if things keep going they way they are in the US, any of my descendants, for surely a new list will be developed, a list that identifies who had ancestors that were sex offenders. What a great business op. A private genealogy-based list that identifies people who has sex offenders in their family tree. I truly believe the Vals of the US would spend 59.99 for that list.
I sure wish someone had scared the crap out of me in High School about the consequences of committing a sex cime like they did with drunk driving. I almost went to jail for assaulting a friend who left my party and was going to drive drunk. Punched out his window and drug him out of the car and knocked him out. He came to and called the cops on me, lol. thank GOD the cop was a vet and reasonable. As long as I paid for the window, he would not arrest me nor my friend. It was the movie and drunk driving speeches that never left my mind, all received in high school.
Hmmmmmm
Nah.......... makes too much sense............ retribution is more fun isnt it America?
Ren
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Message 173695 (In Reply to Message 173665)
Renny
Posted by june5
on Feb 24, 2006 08:00 AM | Also by june5
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Clarence Darrow defended Leopold and Loeb, who as you may know killed a young boy many years ago. At the time, everyone wanted these two hanged. Below is the URL link to a portion of Darrow's summation. He is pleading against the death penalty, but if you inserted "on the registry" for "hanged", I don't think any of us could argue it any better!
http://www.law.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/leoploeb/LEO_SDSA.HTM
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Message 173772 (In Reply to Message 173462)
Posted by sidmanv8
on Feb 25, 2006 05:03 PM | Also by sidmanv8
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I agree with Renny. I had myself fixed within a month of getting out. I thought about it for months before hand and decided that the rest of society is too sick and demented to allow myself to have children. They will torment your children and work towards taking them away from you. They will have their own children pick on and beat up your child in school, on the play ground, at the park. Your child will never grow up normal.....not because of a SO but because society's desire to make your life a living hell.
Cheers.
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Thread
173458, katiebird, Feb 20, 2006 12:32 AM [all help/comments invited]
173461, june5, Feb 20, 2006 02:12 AM [Hi Katie]
173462, Renunciation, Feb 20, 2006 02:27 AM
173475, katiebird, Feb 20, 2006 04:46 AM
173481, june5, Feb 20, 2006 05:49 AM [Kids]
173521, rodsmith, Feb 20, 2006 10:35 PM [june5]
173498, texaslady92778, Feb 20, 2006 04:27 PM [life with an RSO]
173547, Renunciation, Feb 21, 2006 05:00 AM
173552, june5, Feb 21, 2006 08:48 AM [Renny]
173560, texaslady92778, Feb 21, 2006 01:55 PM [renny]
173586, june5, Feb 21, 2006 07:39 PM [texaslady]
173601, Renunciation, Feb 22, 2006 03:15 AM
173611, dp1, Feb 22, 2006 04:32 PM
173639, june5, Feb 23, 2006 08:16 AM [dp1]
173658, rodsmith, Feb 23, 2006 06:38 PM [june5]
173665, Renunciation, Feb 23, 2006 06:56 PM [DP1]
173695, june5, Feb 24, 2006 08:00 AM [Renny]
173772, sidmanv8, Feb 25, 2006 05:03 PM
173463, june5, Feb 20, 2006 02:29 AM [Katie]
173478, katiebird, Feb 20, 2006 04:59 AM
173486, amberleaf, Feb 20, 2006 07:50 AM [Katie]
173487, dp1, Feb 20, 2006 11:30 AM
173466, june5, Feb 20, 2006 02:52 AM [More food for thought...]
173500, fireflybabe, Feb 20, 2006 04:51 PM [I too married a Sex Offender]
173599, amberleaf, Feb 22, 2006 02:27 AM [fireflybabe]
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