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Forum: The Other Side
Thread (Discussion): Accused Update
Message 137854
Dropped Follow Through
Posted by JakeLF
on Jul 24, 2004 04:59 AM | Also by JakeLF
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I was called this evening and told that the mother was dropping all the so called charges that she was going to charge against me, who knows what those were. She said that her son said that nothing happend and that it was just a joke because he thought I was gay and that he doesn't like gay people. I now know that no matter what the situation is I am not going to be put back in that situation again, I am still not happy and feel like I really wanna go back to prison, cause I feel guilty no matter what anyway. I have understood that I will never be happy in a relationship with an adult. Frank is a great guy, but two pedophiles together would only lead to us both doing something that we would regret down the road. Maybe I should just tell my shrink and my parole officer that I am on the brink of molesting again and that I should go back to prison. I really hate my life.
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Message 137889 (In Reply to Message 137854)
Posted by dp1
on Jul 25, 2004 02:16 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Are you really on the brink of molesting a child or do you feel worse than dog doo because of your deviant thoughts while at the resort?
If you feel bad about your thoughts then this is a good thing. If you don't feel bad about your thoughts then by all means call your PO immediately.
It's the pedos that don't feel bad that scare me to death. At least you're thinking of ways to not molest children. Anything less then that would be cause for concern.
I hate to state the obvious, but whatever you've been doing up to this point isn't working. You made a lot of bad choices. Why did you allow yourself to do this? Maybe that phone call to the shrink is in order.
It's time to pull your head out of your butt and decide whether you want to make changes in your life so you can live crime free on the outside. Either you want to take a proactive approach or you don't. If you're too lazy or cowardly to change then I don't see the point in going any further with this issue, really.
You know what you have to do Jake. Stand up and be a man and take responsibility. Tell us what you are willing to do to ensure this doesn't happen again.
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Message 137900 (In Reply to Message 137889)
Thoughts
Posted by JakeLF
on Jul 25, 2004 02:45 AM | Also by JakeLF
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I just feel really bad because I did have deviant thoughts about those boys at the resort. I am not going to lie and say that I didn't wish that something would have happend and I guess I lead myself into that situation because I wanted to test myself and see if I could hande the situation. I know now that I can never let myself be put back in that situation again or even close. I know that I am not close to molesting a child, but the feelings are there.
Also my head is out of my butt, you all sit back and act like you understand everyone and everything, I don't get it. I am sorry that some of you have been hurt by child molesters and perverts and I really don't think that you really know what people like me have to deal with. Take the medication or do this or blah blah blah. I know that it is wrong and I am trying to do things that will prevent me from re-offending. You can say yeah I made a bad choice in putting myself in that situation that I did and yeah your right, I even admitt that. I am trying everyday to deal with the crap that I have done because I have hurt people.
I don't want you to feel sorry for me and I careless if you like me, I am just coming here to state how I feel and what is going on in my life. Yeah and also a true man wouldn't do anything to harm a child. A true man is a man who beats his wife, rapes women on train lines and comes up behind women and rapes them. A true man is someone that goes to war and kills innocent women and children and justify it by saying it was WAR. A real man is everything that I am not. I am not a man to most of you because I took childrens trust and turned it against them. I am scum in all of your eyes and I will always be and that is fine with me because I knew that when I came here and I can accept that. Take drugs to avoid the realization that I will always be a pedophile and that by taking drugs that its slowly killing me than making me better. Yeah you all have such great ideas and advice but you have no clue what its like to have these feelings and live with them day in and day out.
I am taking responsibility for my actions, if I would of done something with that boy I would have admitted it and easily have gone back to prison, but I didn't. I want to be at that same point as I was at the resort where I can be trusted with children not to molest them, but the reality of that happening is so slim. But to all of you once your a child molester or a pedophile you shouldn't ever get a 2nd chance to be around young children because people cannot be a pedophile and not molest a child, there just too weak and have no self control. I want to change that perception so bad and I am fighting with that as we speak.
Maybe it was just a really bad idea to come here because in truth none of you care about me, you would rather just see me dead or locked up for life. If you want me to leave I will do it, no problem. I am sure this post will not be posted because of my comments and all that and that is great.
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Message 137926 (In Reply to Message 137854)
Jake
Posted by Silverthorne
on Jul 25, 2004 05:26 PM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
Don't be upset your honesty is actually very refreshing. Of course some people will view you differently. Look at my own case. I understand exactly what your going thru as I deal with pedophilia on a daily basis.
It is easy to say "take a pill" and "dont do this". It isn't nearly that simple.
But there are some good rules to live by.
1) Never "test" yourself. You said you wanted to see how it would be handled. You can't do that. Even though I believe your sincere about not reoffending and you may never reoffend it just doesn't pay to put yourself in a position where you'd become vulnerable. Its the same reason I quit coaching youth sports. It isn't worth it. Being around kids is STRESSFUL. You'll know from therapy (as I do) that STRESS = BAD. That is one thing that really is simple.
2) Keep your house in order. Im not sure what your living arrangments are (have you mentioned them??). But regardless of where your living keep yourself and your house clean. Don't become cluttered and messy. This may sound strange to others but I've found when my life is disorganized and messy my emotions usually aren't far behind. The last couple of weeks I've had alot of problems with "my problem" (what I call pedophilia). I can look around my den right now... its a mess.
3) Support is important. I don't know how many people know about your problem. You've mentioned some people totally avoid you. There has to be SOMEONE to have as a friend (even us here). Even if that friend isn't someone you can confide in just being around them helps. I have many acquantances who have no idea I'm sexually attracted to boys. Yet just being around them is "stabilizing" when I'm feeling lonely. Now it is true I am a loner and don't feel lonely alot but sometimes it hits and when it does its a problem.
4) Self-pity isn't good. You feel sorry for yourself that much is obvious. But I believe your more conflicted over your feelings toward children then anything else. I believe you really DONT want to be like this. You've talked about adult relations which is encouraging. I'd say follow-up on this. Even if its not a first choice its SOMETHING. Everyone needs SOME physical intimacy with an age appropriate partner. I know lately I've been thinking of visiting a bathhouse in Phoenix (there are several). While this is totally dysfunctional it would fulfill a need for "touch". When your lonely you need a hug right? Well same line of thinking.
5) Keep busy. Idle hands bring idle thoughts. Don't sit around doing nothing. Im not sure what your job situation is or therapy schedule but its important to NOT sit around. When you sit around the feelings of hopelessness and frustration seem to magnify 100x. Don't let them take over. Go to the library and get some books to read. Go to a movie. Go somewhere or do something. For years I liked to build model ships and am starting to do this again. You have a computer type. Write a book. DO SOMETHING.
Conclusion. You are welcome here. Don't feel posting was a mistake its not. You have to accept that some people have an idealistic view of what its like living with pedophilia. I get frustrated too because I really think they have 'no clue'.
Living with pedophilia is all about being selfish. You know who I worry about? ME!!!! While I care for my parents and have friends Im selfish. I worry about MY needs first. You have to be that way because you have to protect yourself. I had times when I did favors for friends and was put into vulnerable situations. You need to TAKE CHARGE of the part of your life you have charge over. I know being in therapy and on probation means you dont have complete charge of your life. But you have SOME ability. Make use of it. Keep yourself safe. Do whats right for JAKE and screw everyone else. It works.
Silverthorne
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Message 137928 (In Reply to Message 137926)
Jake
Posted by kiwi
on Jul 25, 2004 06:43 PM | Also by kiwi
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Jake,
You are welcome here, and I say that as a victim of abuse. I don't understand pedophilia but I do understand wanting life to be different- both the aspects we CAN control and the ones we cannot.
Absolutely do not give in... but do not give up, either. You do not need to be in prison if you have not hurt another child. But you do not need to forget that you once did, either.
Again, just from my perspective- you are welcome here.
kiwi
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Message 137930 (In Reply to Message 137900)
Jake
Posted by dp1
on Jul 25, 2004 08:48 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
So I take it you are not giving up? This is good.
No one besides maybe another pedophile could possibly know what you are going through. This is true. Not one person asked you to leave this site or called you scum of the earth. Quite the contrary, it looks like you get more support than most people around here, probably because of your honesty and your willingness to work this through even though for a moment it looked like you were willing to give up.
You might be against drugs as you say (prescription drugs), but there are numerous prescriptions out there on the market that can help with depression and sex drive. If that's not to your liking then fine. But, whatever you've been doing isn't working. Changes must be made, do you agree? You'll be pounding your head into a wall repeatedly if you don't stop the cycle.
Testing yourself around children makes no sense whatsoever. Obviously, to a pedophile who is attracted to children this would make perfect sense. If you don't want to molest a child or engage in deviant thoughts then stay away, how hard is that? I wouldn't go to a bar if I was trying to quit drinking. Common sense must prevail.
I wouldn't be so worried about what other people think as much as I would be about doing what's right for yourself. Whether other people think you are an out of control pervert or not is really not important. More importantly is getting yourself under control where you can function in society. That includes limiting alcohol intake, wearing a bathingsuit while swimming in a public place, leaving the scene if children arrive, etc...Your responsible actions will speak for themselves. If you don't want people to think you are an out of control pervert then don't act like one. I'm not trying to get on your case, I'm just trying to say that your actions will speak louder then your words. You have to walk the talk.
I hope you weren't offended because I thought your head was up your butt. Sorry, when people start giving up and talking crazy like they are going to confess to something they never did I jump to conclusions and assume you aren't thinking straight. Glad you're working it out.
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Message 137943 (In Reply to Message 137930)
Dp1
Posted by JakeLF
on Jul 26, 2004 01:44 AM | Also by JakeLF
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
No offense dp1, but I just really don't care what you think and your comments are starting to bug me. Sure you can be an expert that deals with SO all the time, but I really don't think that you know me and what I am going through. I screwed up last week and I admitt that and so forth. I did test myself and I saw what happen. Its not going to happen again. I am just tired of you thinking that you know what I am thinking. Anyway I am just wasting my time in even writing this because you will just come back with saying that I am saying this because I know that your right and blah blah blah. You can think whatever you want and you can sit back and judge all you want, I really don't care anymore. You do what you have to do.
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Message 137950 (In Reply to Message 137943)
Jake
Posted by dp1
on Jul 26, 2004 08:36 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I went back in all my posts and I don't see where I said anything to the effect that I knew what you were thinking. Obviously, something else is bothering you. That's ok.
I doubt that you really don't care what I think since you obviously took some of my advice to heart and decided to make some changes in your therapy. As long as changes for the better occur and this doesn't happen again, I could care less too what you think about me and what you think I think you're thinking. I select my comments on this forum as best as possible to point out the issues as quickly and clearly as possible hoping to avoid a bunch of foolishness that leads to no resolution. Reoffending is a very serious issue that needs to be addressed properly in my opinion not just for your sake but others as well who might read this forum. Surely if I were in your shoes and anyone from LE reminded me I just committed a felony offense and got away with it I'd be just a little pissed off at them too. Not a problem Jake. Enjoy the break you got in life and make the best of it.
Despite all the support I've given you since you've been here I will not sit back and pretend what you did was no big deal. It is a big deal and I don't support criminal activity. I will and have support your efforts to make changes to ensure things don't reoccur. I will not put up with any foolishness like pretending you are the victim, or it was the victim's fault or his mother's, or whatever else has gone on. Now that I'm thinking about it, I can see very easily why my comments piss you off. It sure would be a lot easier if you could come to an internet site and justify your behavior without that damn DP1 bringing up reality and reminded us what we shouldn't be doing, eh? Oh well, too bad so sad.
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Message 138690 (In Reply to Message 137854)
Jake
Posted by serenity2004
on Aug 12, 2004 08:40 AM | Also by serenity2004
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Ohio,
Country: United States |
Jake....Get off of the darn pitty pot and do something to help yourself....does it not help you in some way to have a place like this too express yourself and get feedback?
If you are not actively seeking help, I believe you will reoffend....in the 12 step program I utilize in my life....it is said by some that relapse is a process...not just something that happens.....from what I read from you, you are in that process with your problem. On a downhill path, that you are right will probably have you ending up back in prison......do you really want to go from feeling remorseful to reoffending?
You said something to the effect of ......therapy...take your medicine....blah, blah, blah.....do you really think that if I had that same attitude about my son's therapy, medication, etc. that he would have a chance in he** of ever being a productive member of society. Would I not be dooming him if I did not put forth every effort possible to help him?
Well.....you are an adult, and you don't have to do it for someone else, you have to do it for yourself.....like Nike says...Just Do It.....Get off your pitty pot....check yourself into a psych ward if you need to, but if you have truly given up on yourself.....then go ahead and send yourself back to prison somehow...but.....please....please....PLEASE...do not hurt another child!!!!!
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Message 138692 (In Reply to Message 138690)
Posted by dp1
on Aug 12, 2004 01:41 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I just can't understand why you didn't offer poor poor Jake a tissue. Boo hoo.
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Message 138744 (In Reply to Message 138692)
Posted by JakeLF
on Aug 14, 2004 09:41 PM | Also by JakeLF
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Yeah where is my tissue, my nose is kind of running and I have some blood that is coming outta my mouth, so if you can spare some tissue that would be great.
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Message 139662 (In Reply to Message 138744)
Posted by swla
on Sep 11, 2004 08:16 PM | Also by swla
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Missouri,
Country: United States |
Just to add onto what Silverthorne said earlier. Have you heard of shame? Shame on yourself is good. But if you keep beating yourself up over this. ie. I am a bad person. I don't deserve to live. That is called toxic shame. You do not want to be there. Realize what you have done is wrong. I think you see that. Then take steps to put yourself back in the right. Beating yourself up over something will not help. Realizing that it was wrong and taking steps to prevent youself from doing it again is all anyone asks. You don't want to hurt anymore kids, then take the steps to allow yourself not to.
And with the hard times of being on parole/probation, they want to see how well you can follow the straight line of society. How can you prove to them that you can?
swla
copyright 2004
P.S. I put the copyright in my posts to help stop cut & paste. Not that I think it helps much. Also one day I might have nothing to do and decide to write a book on my words and my story.
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Thread
137854, JakeLF, Jul 24, 2004 04:59 AM [Dropped Follow Through]
137889, dp1, Jul 25, 2004 02:16 AM
137900, JakeLF, Jul 25, 2004 02:45 AM [Thoughts]
137930, dp1, Jul 25, 2004 08:48 PM [Jake]
137943, JakeLF, Jul 26, 2004 01:44 AM [Dp1]
137950, dp1, Jul 26, 2004 08:36 AM [Jake]
137926, Silverthorne, Jul 25, 2004 05:26 PM [Jake]
137928, kiwi, Jul 25, 2004 06:43 PM [Jake]
138690, serenity2004, Aug 12, 2004 08:40 AM [Jake]
138692, dp1, Aug 12, 2004 01:41 PM
138744, JakeLF, Aug 14, 2004 09:41 PM
139662, swla, Sep 11, 2004 08:16 PM
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