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Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): need advice about my son

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Message 137844 (In Reply to Message 137783)
momw2h


Posted by deadmomwalking on Jul 23, 2004 10:55 PM | Also by deadmomwalking
Gender: Female, Age Bracket: 50 - 59, State: N/A, Country: Canada
Hi,

You guys sound like you are handling this very responsibly. Your son is lucky. I wouldn't let too much time pass before talking to your brother. The more time passes the harder and worse it gets. In addition, if your niece talks to her parents about this, tells them she told you and you "appear" to have ignored it, they will go ballistic. I wouldn't hold a press conference - I would just quietly talk to your brother or his wife. You could tell them you were waiting to sort things out with your son before approaching them - which is true enough.

I think it is good that you have a base (Christian) from which to develop moral rules. I am a recent Christian as well - although probably a much more abstract sort than you are. In a recent talk with my minister I confessed that, although I was praying and reading and meditating I was having a lot of trouble getting my head around some Christian beliefs, including whether I actually believed in God. She quoted Marcus Borg "And who is this God you don't believe in? What does he look like?" and also said "God doesn't care what you believe. He only requires your presence." I can't tell you what a burden that lifted for me. I now feel as if I can pray and read the psalms aloud in good conscience. It has provided me with a lot of comfort and helped me to not focus on vengeful thoughts about my daughter's abuser.

And how did I get onto that? Oh, yes. This is my own opinion and I will confess outright that I am a Canadian, left-leaning liberal so you know where I am coming from. I wouldn't concentrate too much on the "sex is evil" thing. Sexual feelings and pleasure are a gift from our Creator. It is normal and healthy to have sexual feelings. It is up to us to use them responsibly. If he concentrates too much on avoiding sexual feelings or trying to overcome them, he might start to feel as if he really is a "bad" person when he is just a normal (and often sexually aroused, because that is the nature of the beast) 14 yr old boy. A nurse who conducted a sex ed class for the kids at our elementary school was talking about erections and wet dream etc and she explained that the boy's bodies were just practising, doing "push ups" for the future when they were ready to be Daddies. If he gets hung up (pardon the pun) on thinking that sexual thoughts are bad or his erections are a sign that he is a bad person he is more likely to be secretive about it and turn to inappropriate ways of dealing with it.

Re: my daughter's abuser. Although he was arrested and charged here in Canada and there is a case file on him in the US (some of the assaults took place across the line where both families have cottages) nothing is proceeding at this time because my daughter is too ill. Re: his daughter. Because she was 18 and therefore legally an adult when these charges came to light the police did not approach her. It is up to her to file charges. I do not even know whether she was, in fact, abused, or whether her sexualized behavior as a child was just coincidental (or perhaps that entire family is just over-sexed!)

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Message 137783
thank you for your thoughts


Posted by momwants2help on Jul 23, 2004 08:48 AM | Also by momwants2help
Gender: Female, Age Bracket: 40 - 49, State: Missouri, Country: United States

Thread


137124, momwants2help, Jul 09, 2004 07:17 AM [how bad is it?]
      137152, fallenone, Jul 09, 2004 04:53 PM
            137171, poetsdreamscape, Jul 09, 2004 07:50 PM [time for a talk]
      137258, assumption18, Jul 11, 2004 02:14 AM [um]
            137261, steve, Jul 11, 2004 03:22 AM
            137273, momwants2help, Jul 11, 2004 06:03 AM [I didn't ever see a post either]
                  137287, assumption18, Jul 11, 2004 11:40 PM [Okay this is what i said]
                        137290, steve, Jul 12, 2004 12:40 AM
                              137297, assumption18, Jul 12, 2004 01:18 AM [Perhaps not "no doubt" then]
                              137299, dp1, Jul 12, 2004 01:30 AM
                                    137782, momwants2help, Jul 23, 2004 08:31 AM
                        137545, Silverthorne, Jul 18, 2004 03:49 AM [Disagree]
                  137328, jiGGaMe, Jul 13, 2004 03:59 AM [You sound overwhelmed..]
                  137340, deadmomwalking, Jul 13, 2004 10:37 PM
                        137381, myoung, Jul 15, 2004 01:26 AM [deadmomwalking]
                        137783, momwants2help, Jul 23, 2004 08:48 AM [thank you for your thoughts]
                              137844, deadmomwalking, Jul 23, 2004 10:55 PM [momw2h]
      137360, momwants2help, Jul 14, 2004 08:54 AM [Thank you to all who posted replies....u...]
            137546, Silverthorne, Jul 18, 2004 03:51 AM
                  137857, deadmomwalking, Jul 24, 2004 08:33 AM [painful erections]
            137679, poetsdreamscape, Jul 21, 2004 06:55 AM
                  137781, momwants2help, Jul 23, 2004 08:18 AM [in response to some of your questions]
                        137841, poetsdreamscape, Jul 23, 2004 10:08 PM [no]
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