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Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): need advice about my son

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Message 137841 (In Reply to Message 137781)
no

Posted by poetsdreamscape on Jul 23, 2004 10:08 PM | Also by poetsdreamscape

Gender: Male, Age Bracket: N/A, State: N/A, Country: United States

do you think we should have the 5yo in the room for the whole discussion, or bring her in at a certain point?

I don't think it would be healthy for the child to be there , It is possible that by being there she may become frightened if an argument erupts if your brother becomes upset .I am not sure of how your son and your brother get along but I think it would be best for your son to tell him about it in a way that would make him feel comfortable . Im sure he wil be embarrased to have to tell him but at least your brother will know that he took responsibilty for it and was upfront about it and know that what he did was wrong .Im sure your brother would appreciate it more if he is confronted by your son rather then yourself .If you feel that is not the best soloution then you have an obligation to tell your brother what happened and hope that he understands and is able to forgive your son . You should also explain to him that you have talked to your son in great detail about this incident and he knows the consequences for such action and the steps he wil take to prevent this from happening again. Godd luck and I'd like to know how your brother and his wife handled it.

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Message 137781
in response to some of your questions

Posted by momwants2help on Jul 23, 2004 08:18 AM | Also by momwants2help

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Missouri, Country: United States

First let me thank you for taking the time to reply to my posts. I hope my post isn't too graphic, and if it is I apologize.

<blockquote>Can you tell us why he started to cry before you even mentioned anything to him ? </blockquote>

Well, my guess is that he was feeling guilty and afraid he would be in trouble. Do you think there would be another reason for him to cry?

<blockquote>While it is possible that an erection can occur without any thought , I am curious if he has a computer and views porn that may have led to him actually undressing himself . I would also like for you to ask him if it hurts whenever he has an erection and if it does hurt all the time I would take him to see a physician. </blockquote>

I have a computer, but he doesn't go online without one of us in the room. It is in the living room. There is no and I mean no porn in our house, and that includes in his room, that I am sure of. My husband works days and I work part-time evenings, so there would be little chance for him to get on the computer without us knowing it. I also keep a close eye on the history and temporary internet files, though, just in case. I did find one time after a friend had been here, and they were supposed to be playing a game online where they had typed porno and playboy in a search engine. His dad and I were both in the house that day, but not right in the room the whole time. So there could have been some viewing, but from what I could tell of the history, they didn't actually go to any porn sites. After that we decided not to let him get online unless we could be in the room with him. I didn't ever mention to him that I knew he had done the searches because I wanted to see if there was any more of that kind of stuff going on. And it hasn't. That was probably 6-8 months ago. So I guess my answer would have to be I don't think so but I cannot be sure.

As far as the other part, I may not have explained that part of the conversation well enough. I asked him if he was thinking about sexual things or playing with himself when she came into the room. (trying to understand why his pants were unzipped). He at first didn't seem to understand what I meant by 'playing with yourself" and his dad explained, 'rubbing it'. He said no but it was hard. I said why. He said I don't know, but it hurt, so I unzipped my pants. Not being a man, I can't say, and my husband didn't seem to think that to be a made up story, I assumed that if it was hard and your pants were tight, it probably would hurt from pressure. Am I way off here? As far as him not knowing why, I am assuming that he didn't want to share with his mom whatever he was thinking about that made it that way. I will mention it to him again and find out if he is having pain that would be something to check into.

<blockquote> It is very unlikley a 5yo would have thought of making such an acusation. Im not sure if he was naked by what you have told us or just in his breifs.But if the 5yo says he was naked I would have to go with that assumption. 5yo I dont believe have that much of an imagination, </blockquote>

The five year old said that his pants were unzipped and unbuttoned. Not that they were pulled down or that she actually saw his privates. This is also what he told us. The part that is most concerning to me is that she said something to the effect of "he wanted me to touch his butt". I cannot remember her exact words, as I was pretty shocked. One thought is that she doesn't know the word for his penis so she used butt. It was not clear whether he asked her to do this, or took her hand, or what. She did not say that she touched him, just that he wanted her to.Could she have assumed that was what he wanted?  But if she simply walked in at the wrong time, I feel there was still something more that happened or he would not have been feeling so guilty. Although, he is our oldest son, and does have a tendency to be more hard on himself than he should. My husband was beginning to drill our son pretty hard about the details, and I asked him to stop because I did not want to lose the lines of communication at the time. This is not something that can be solved in one discussion.

<blockquote>He said that he had prayed and prayed and prayed, asking God to forgive him and to keep him from doing that again. (He is a Christian, and I have seen spiritual growth from him since he was baptized two years ago. This isn't just a quick conversion scheme to pacify his parents.) 
Is this an admition of guilt ? </blockquote>
well as i said, he didn't deny that there had been inappropriate actions on his part. I may have sounded a little defensive in anticipation of being criticized for mentioning his faith. I read on the list of perpertrators traits that they "get religion" I believe that once we become Believers, we have the Holy Spirit within us, but we also still have our sinful nature. They are at odds with one another, and it is our free will to choose which one to follow. Therefore that fact that he has done this does not mean that he cannot be a Christian.

<blockquote>While I hope that they wouldnt do such and I would ask your brother not to so. Nothing good can come from that what so ever . But I would expect your son to be honest with them and give an apology and ask your brother to be certain that they arent left alone when visiting so that no more accusations can be told . </blockquote>

I live a few hours away from them, so we don't get to see them too often. We will be planning a visit there soon to have this discussion with them. I am praying that he will come to us on his own and volunteer to tell them. That would be the best thing that could happen. But if he doesn't we will tell him he has to, and if he refuses, we will tell them without him. But I really think he will do it. For the most part, he is a boy of character. One thing I would like advice on, do you think we should have the 5yo in the room for the whole discussion, or bring her in at a certain point? I am not sure how my brother will react, he is easy going most of the time and we have a close relationship, on the other hand he adores his daughter. I wondered if he gets angry, and she is there, whether it would make a deeper impression on her and cause more harm. Also whether we should talk to her about the "specifics" of just have my son tell her he is sorry, and it was completely his fault and it won't happen again.

<blockquote>I have to applaud both you and your husband on the way you handled it . While this is an embarrasing moment for your family it is none the less very important that you instill in him the facts that you have . I hope that all of this works out ok with your brother and his wife and that your son is truely remorseful . After this is all over with please tell him that you still love him and forgive him of his past mistakes and will always be there for him to discuss whatever it is. Please do not make jokes of this in passing as you dont want to lay a guilt trip on him that can be devastating to his mental well being . As I have written earlier on that at 14 there are hormones raging and experimentation that will occur . I hope that you will discuss with him dating and sexual contacts with others his age and about the use of protection or abstenence</blockquote>

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. We can all look back on our lives and see moments we wish we could erase. I do tell him I love him every day, and his father does too. His dad has started the "book time" that I talked about in a previous post, where they get alone and read through a book titled "Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle-Honest Conversations About Sexual Integrety" It is written in such a way that the father and son read it together and discuss each chapter. Our son has been very positive about this, very willing to do it.

Thread

137124, momwants2help, Jul 09, 2004 07:17 AM [how bad is it?]
      137152, fallenone, Jul 09, 2004 04:53 PM
            137171, poetsdreamscape, Jul 09, 2004 07:50 PM [time for a talk]
      137258, assumption18, Jul 11, 2004 02:14 AM [um]
            137261, steve, Jul 11, 2004 03:22 AM
            137273, momwants2help, Jul 11, 2004 06:03 AM [I didn't ever see a post either]
                  137287, assumption18, Jul 11, 2004 11:40 PM [Okay this is what i said]
                        137290, steve, Jul 12, 2004 12:40 AM
                              137297, assumption18, Jul 12, 2004 01:18 AM [Perhaps not "no doubt" then]
                              137299, dp1, Jul 12, 2004 01:30 AM
                                    137782, momwants2help, Jul 23, 2004 08:31 AM
                        137545, Silverthorne, Jul 18, 2004 03:49 AM [Disagree]
                  137328, jiGGaMe, Jul 13, 2004 03:59 AM [You sound overwhelmed..]
                  137340, deadmomwalking, Jul 13, 2004 10:37 PM
                        137381, myoung, Jul 15, 2004 01:26 AM [deadmomwalking]
                        137783, momwants2help, Jul 23, 2004 08:48 AM [thank you for your thoughts]
                              137844, deadmomwalking, Jul 23, 2004 10:55 PM [momw2h]
      137360, momwants2help, Jul 14, 2004 08:54 AM [Thank you to all who posted replies....u...]
            137546, Silverthorne, Jul 18, 2004 03:51 AM
                  137857, deadmomwalking, Jul 24, 2004 08:33 AM [painful erections]
            137679, poetsdreamscape, Jul 21, 2004 06:55 AM
                  137781, momwants2help, Jul 23, 2004 08:18 AM [in response to some of your questions]
                        137841, poetsdreamscape, Jul 23, 2004 10:08 PM [no]

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Forum: The Other SideThread (Discussion): need advice about my son

Message 137841 (In Reply to Message 137781)no

Message 137781in response to some of your questions

Thread

Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): need advice about my son

Message 137841 (In Reply to Message 137781)
no

Message 137781
in response to some of your questions