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Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): need advice about my son

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Message 137783 (In Reply to Message 137340)
thank you for your thoughts

Posted by momwants2help on Jul 23, 2004 08:48 AM | Also by momwants2help

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: 40 - 49, State: Missouri, Country: United States

we are going to talk with her parents, although they live a couple of hours away, so it will have to be planned in the near future. I appreciate a parent's perspective, and it means more to me coming from someone who has been on the "other side" I am so sorry for the things your daughter hase been through. Was that man charged with molesting his own daugher as well?

I agree that it is so hard in today's culture to shield our children from becoming sexualized at a younger age than they can really understand or handle it. A lot of people in my family think I am too strict about the movies and telivision shows I will permit my kids to watch, but I just can't abide the filty jokes and language that seem to be mandatory in any movie made for teens. Thank goodness my boys like Andy Griffith and Beverly Hillbillies! I think keeping lines of communication open is so important. If we don't know what they are going through, we can't guide them. So we parents are on the hooks for living up to our word when we say they can tell us anything. From my experience with this so far, it seemed that my son was relieved that we were taking action and that it was all out in the open. At the same time, we have to make sure we know when to discipline, how much to discipline, and when to let the life's lesson be discipline enough. I thank God forthestrength and wisdom He gives me because without him, I would never make it through this.

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Message 137340

Posted by deadmomwalking on Jul 13, 2004 10:37 PM | Also by deadmomwalking

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: 50 - 59, State: N/A, Country: Canada

Have you discussed this with the girl’s parents?  If not you should, if only to head off any hysteria. Let them know you think the behavior was totally inappropriate and you are dealing with it and will have your son get counseling if it is necessary.   I have a 14 yr old son so I can relate to the overactive hormones.  In one sense I don't think you should overreact to this incident.  He is still a kid, and probably a very confused one.  On the other hand it has to be made clear to him that his actions are completely inappropriate.  Have you noticed any other impulse control problems?  If not, this may be just a one-time incident that is best dealt with firmly and then put behind him.  To have to talk to his parents (and perhaps have to apologize to HER parents) about the incident may be all the punishment and mortification required to keep him from ever repeating it.  If he does have impulse control problems then he may need additional counseling, and of course, if he confesses a deep-seated attraction to little girls, then he really does need help.  I think that it’s a good bet however that he was simply horny, not sure what to do with it because it’s a fairly recent phenomena and an opportunity to explore presented itself.

We have this  schizoid culture.  Kids are bombarded and targeted with sexual messages but they are not given the tools to deal with their sexual and emotional reactions.  We expect them to be assexual innocents and tend to not think about the messages and emotions they are struggling with.  Sometimes I think as a society, and as parents, we have tended to abdicate our responsibility to teach our children responsible behavior because quite frankly we are confused and are not sure what is appropriate any more.  Morality is all relative now, it seems.  So we just tend to avoid the topic.

I will give you an example.  My 14 yr old son has recently acquired a girlfriend, who belongs to the same band as he does.   She is a few months younger than him.  This came earlier than I expected. It was only a year ago that he thought girls were dumb and was running away from them.  I have only had the most basic "birds and bees" discussion with him but he has been watching "Friends" and Seinfeld since he was 8. I guess I have been remiss because I have not really known what to say to him about dating, relationships, sexuality, etc.

This weekend past I took him and his girlfriend  to an event involving the band and we camped.  I was keeping a fairly close eye on things.  I had, after all, been entrusted with the safety of a 13 yr old girl.  What amazed me was their apparent lack of embarassment (at least on the girlfriend's part) in their displays of physical affection - in front of me, MOM.  I didn't even hold hands with my boyfriend in front of my parents, let alone smooch and stroke him.  I felt like saying, "Get a room, guys." but of course I didn't want that either.  Finally I said, "Look, you guys - hand-holding is OK, maybe an arm around a shoulder but I do NOT want to have to see this full body contact."  My son blushed to the tips of his hair and quickly apologized. The girlfriend looked a touch put out but she too complied with my request.  I actually think my son was relieved because I think the level of intimacy was too quick and too much for him.

Obviously this is not the same as sexually touching a 5 yr old girl.  However his behavior still went beyond what I considered appropriate and once we got home I had the first of what will be a series of discussions on responsibility in relationships, sexual and otherwise.  My son begged for mercy but I am continuing doggedly on, and even though he acts as if he doesn't need to know any of this stuff he is listening, and, I think, grateful.  Our kids don't know what's appropriate or not, unless we tell them.  We can’t just assume that “they would never do that” because they know it’s wrong.  They certainly aren't going to find out by watching TV or talking to their friends.

I will sound one note of caution.  When my son was 4 and we were visiting a friend he came out of where the kids had been playing and announced that the 9 yr old girl had pulled down his pants and was looking at his dinky and touched it.  Her mother was mortified, apologized and spoke to her daughter in a very exasperated way.  I laughed it off, attributing it to normal childish exploration in a girl who had no brothers.  A few years later when she was 11 the girl approached various other girls, including my daughter, and asked them if they would “have sex with her”.  Parents remained blissfully ignorant.  The girls all kept this to themselves but discussed it among themselves and probably other friends. The mother could not understand why her daughter suddenly became so unpopular.  These stories finally came out 7 years later when her father was arrested for molesting my daughter.  Moral:  sometimes these incidents mean nothing and other times we should have paid more attention.

Thread

137124, momwants2help, Jul 09, 2004 07:17 AM [how bad is it?]
      137152, fallenone, Jul 09, 2004 04:53 PM
            137171, poetsdreamscape, Jul 09, 2004 07:50 PM [time for a talk]
      137258, assumption18, Jul 11, 2004 02:14 AM [um]
            137261, steve, Jul 11, 2004 03:22 AM
            137273, momwants2help, Jul 11, 2004 06:03 AM [I didn't ever see a post either]
                  137287, assumption18, Jul 11, 2004 11:40 PM [Okay this is what i said]
                        137290, steve, Jul 12, 2004 12:40 AM
                              137297, assumption18, Jul 12, 2004 01:18 AM [Perhaps not "no doubt" then]
                              137299, dp1, Jul 12, 2004 01:30 AM
                                    137782, momwants2help, Jul 23, 2004 08:31 AM
                        137545, Silverthorne, Jul 18, 2004 03:49 AM [Disagree]
                  137328, jiGGaMe, Jul 13, 2004 03:59 AM [You sound overwhelmed..]
                  137340, deadmomwalking, Jul 13, 2004 10:37 PM
                        137381, myoung, Jul 15, 2004 01:26 AM [deadmomwalking]
                        137783, momwants2help, Jul 23, 2004 08:48 AM [thank you for your thoughts]
                              137844, deadmomwalking, Jul 23, 2004 10:55 PM [momw2h]
      137360, momwants2help, Jul 14, 2004 08:54 AM [Thank you to all who posted replies....u...]
            137546, Silverthorne, Jul 18, 2004 03:51 AM
                  137857, deadmomwalking, Jul 24, 2004 08:33 AM [painful erections]
            137679, poetsdreamscape, Jul 21, 2004 06:55 AM
                  137781, momwants2help, Jul 23, 2004 08:18 AM [in response to some of your questions]
                        137841, poetsdreamscape, Jul 23, 2004 10:08 PM [no]

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Forum: The Other SideThread (Discussion): need advice about my son

Message 137783 (In Reply to Message 137340)thank you for your thoughts

Message 137340

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Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): need advice about my son

Message 137783 (In Reply to Message 137340)
thank you for your thoughts