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Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): need advice about my son

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Message 137679 (In Reply to Message 137360)

Posted by poetsdreamscape on Jul 21, 2004 06:55 AM | Also by poetsdreamscape

Gender: Male, Age Bracket: N/A, State: N/A, Country: United States

We had my husband's parents stay with our other kids and took our 14 yo son for ice cream. He started crying before we ever got out of the driveway.
Can you tell us why he started to cry before you even mentioned anything to him ?

I started by telling him what the girl had told me. He didn't deny anything.
Im glad that he didnt deny it , That in itself shows that he has enough respect for you as parents and that there is a degree of communication which is very important in a childs life .

His story was, he had an erection, didn't know why but it was sort of random,
While it is possible that an erection can occur without any thought , I am curious if he has a computer and views porn that may have led to him actually undressing himself . I would also like for you to ask him if it hurts whenever he has an erection and if it does hurt all the time I would take him to see a physician.

His underwear was on and she didn't touch him. He says he did not tell her to touch his butt or anything else. (I have not concluded that he didn't, just repeating what he said to us)
I think that he may have mislead you . It is very unlikley a 5yo would have thought of making such an acusation. Im not sure if he was naked by what you have told us or just in his breifs.But if the 5yo says he was naked I would have to go with that assumption. 5yo I dont believe have that much of an imagination,

He says he didn't think about her, or how it would affect her at the time, but afterwards he did.
Most offenders think about it after the fact when its to late

He said that he had prayed and prayed and prayed, asking God to forgive him and to keep him from doing that again. (He is a Christian, and I have seen spiritual growth from him since he was baptized two years ago. This isn't just a quick conversion scheme to pacify his parents.)
Is this an admition of guilt ?

We talked about the fact that we should discuss this with my brother and his wife. He is worried that they will call Family Services and he will get taken away from us. I told him that I think it is the best way,

While I hope that they wouldnt do such and I would ask your brother not to so. Nothing good can come from that what so ever . But I would expect your son to be honest with them and give an apology and ask your brother to be certain that they arent left alone when visiting so that no more accusations can be told .

I have to applaud both you and your husband on the way you handled it . While this is an embarrasing moment for your family it is none the less very important that you instill in him the facts that you have . I hope that all of this works out ok with your brother and his wife and that your son is truely remorseful . After this is all over with please tell him that you still love him and forgive him of his past mistakes and will always be there for him to discuss whatever it is. Please do not make jokes of this in passing as you dont want to lay a guilt trip on him that can be devastating to his mental well being . As I have written earlier on that at 14 there are hormones raging and experimentation that will occur . I hope that you will discuss with him dating and sexual contacts with others his age and about the use of protection or abstenence

See an abbreviation or acronym, but don't know what it stands for? Consult the Glossary.

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Message 137360
Thank you to all who posted replies....update.....

Posted by momwants2help on Jul 14, 2004 08:54 AM | Also by momwants2help

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Missouri, Country: United States

We had my husband's parents stay with our other kids and took our 14 yo son for ice cream. He started crying before we ever got out of the driveway. We didn't start discussing it though, until we got to the park, where we could sit face to face. I started by telling him what the girl had told me. He didn't deny anything. I explained that it is better that we (his parents) know about it even though it is embarrassing to talk about, because we can help him work through it and make sure it doesn't ever happen again. His story was, he had an erection, didn't know why but it was sort of random, it hurt and that is why he had his pants unzipped. His underwear was on and she didn't touch him. He says he did not tell her to touch his butt or anything else. (I have not concluded that he didn't, just repeating what he said to us) He says he didn't think about her, or how it would affect her at the time, but afterwards he did. He said that he had prayed and prayed and prayed, asking God to forgive him and to keep him from doing that again. (He is  a Christian, and I have seen spiritual growth from him since he was baptized two years ago. This isn't just a quick conversion scheme to pacify his parents.) As far as the comment about it being planned for her to come into the room where he was, no that was not the case. I had brought her with me and he didn't know she was coming until we got there. We talked about the fact that we should discuss this with my brother and his wife. He is worried that they will call Family Services and he will get taken away from us. I told him that I think it is the best way, just to get it out, be honest and not have to have the worry or the secrets, but I couldn't promise that they won't call family services. So we are going to talk about it again in a few days. Our son showed remorse and cried off and on the whole time. I asked if he was upset because we knew and he said he was glad. We talked about it being illegal, that he could go to jail. We talked about why it isn't right to expose girls that young to sexual situations. He indicated that he doesn't think of girls that age sexually, but that when it happened he wasn't thinking at all. We told him that we, as teenagers, did stupid things, things that were wrong. But the important thing is to make sure you don't repeat the mistakes. We talked about how Satan plays chess with us, and when he finds a move that we fall for, he will use it over and over again. So our son will have to guard his heart, and have a plan in place for the times in the future when temptation comes, or thoughts enter his head, he will need to use whatever works to keep it from happening.he said he wanted to avoid being alone with a girl because he would never do that if there were other people around. He understands that there are things he won't be able to do now, like stay at his Grandma's for a week. He thought of that on his own, said, well now I can't go to Grandma's, but said that he hoped his younger brother could still go. His father and I told him that we feel like we have failed to make it safe for him to talk to us about important things like this, and that we are sorry about that. He and his Dad are going to have "book time" twice a week, where they read through a book named "Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle-Honest Conversations About Sexual Integrety". Our son was positive about this too. We also told him that if we feel like, at any time, that he isn't being honest with us or that he is showing any signs of having problems again, we will all go to counseling. I just don't want to make him afraid of ever touching a girl (his own age). I read through the profiles in the site and I really don't think that many of the charasteristics there match him. He has friends, he isn't a loner. Although he did tell us that he thinks about sexual things more when he is alone. He had been involved in sports since 2nd grade, up until this summer. We didn't sign him up this summer, because we wanted to take come camping trips and do some family things during the summer. But we will get him back into some activities right away. He has asked to sleep in the living room for the last two nights, since we had the talk. We let him and his two younger brothers blow up the air mattresses and "camp out" in the living room. And he asked me to read to them until they went to sleep, which I did. This is something we do quite a bit, during the school year, but not something he usually asks me to do. tHe doesn't dress inappropriately, is modest about being seen not being seen in underwear around the house, etc. He isn't particularly great at hygene or manners. He isn't particularly bad at them either, but definitely doesn't excell. Although I am not familiar with the grooming subject other than what I have read on this site in the last week, it doesn't seem to match either. I think it was much more an impulse than something with forethought. . His father and I are both reading the replies, even though I am the one answering. We both know there is a long road ahead of us. I do thank you all for offering advice.

Thread

137124, momwants2help, Jul 09, 2004 07:17 AM [how bad is it?]
      137152, fallenone, Jul 09, 2004 04:53 PM
            137171, poetsdreamscape, Jul 09, 2004 07:50 PM [time for a talk]
      137258, assumption18, Jul 11, 2004 02:14 AM [um]
            137261, steve, Jul 11, 2004 03:22 AM
            137273, momwants2help, Jul 11, 2004 06:03 AM [I didn't ever see a post either]
                  137287, assumption18, Jul 11, 2004 11:40 PM [Okay this is what i said]
                        137290, steve, Jul 12, 2004 12:40 AM
                              137297, assumption18, Jul 12, 2004 01:18 AM [Perhaps not "no doubt" then]
                              137299, dp1, Jul 12, 2004 01:30 AM
                                    137782, momwants2help, Jul 23, 2004 08:31 AM
                        137545, Silverthorne, Jul 18, 2004 03:49 AM [Disagree]
                  137328, jiGGaMe, Jul 13, 2004 03:59 AM [You sound overwhelmed..]
                  137340, deadmomwalking, Jul 13, 2004 10:37 PM
                        137381, myoung, Jul 15, 2004 01:26 AM [deadmomwalking]
                        137783, momwants2help, Jul 23, 2004 08:48 AM [thank you for your thoughts]
                              137844, deadmomwalking, Jul 23, 2004 10:55 PM [momw2h]
      137360, momwants2help, Jul 14, 2004 08:54 AM [Thank you to all who posted replies....u...]
            137546, Silverthorne, Jul 18, 2004 03:51 AM
                  137857, deadmomwalking, Jul 24, 2004 08:33 AM [painful erections]
            137679, poetsdreamscape, Jul 21, 2004 06:55 AM
                  137781, momwants2help, Jul 23, 2004 08:18 AM [in response to some of your questions]
                        137841, poetsdreamscape, Jul 23, 2004 10:08 PM [no]

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Forum: The Other SideThread (Discussion): need advice about my son

Message 137679 (In Reply to Message 137360)

Message 137360Thank you to all who posted replies....update.....

Thread

Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): need advice about my son

Message 137360
Thank you to all who posted replies....update.....