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Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): need advice about my son

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Message 137381 (In Reply to Message 137340)
deadmomwalking

Posted by myoung on Jul 15, 2004 01:26 AM | Also by myoung

Gender: N/A, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Pennsylvania, Country: United States

You are so right. I have two teens myself and I agree....they think it's no big deal about everything these days. My daughter shocked the living crap out of me by lying on the couch on top of her boyfriend while I was there. She was 15 at the time and saw it as no big deal. I coulda knocked her right out!! That was so disrespectful but when I discussed it with them....no, I didn't hold back....I embarassed them right there and then.....they acted like I was over reacting! If I had done that in my youth, in my parents home, they would have just about killed me and I would have been grounded. It amazes me how the culture of our youth has changed so drastically over the past 20 years. They are very liberal in their public displays and it really pisses me off. I don't make public displays of affection for my husband because it is offensive to others and it should be reserved for our own privacy anyway. I give him a quick kiss but that's it. None of this hanging all over each other etc. Kids don't seem to have much respect for themselves or the sanctity of anything that has to do with relationships. It is very sad. I often tell my daughter that she leaves nothing to feel special about when everything is right out there in the open like that. Sometimes sneaking a quiet moment is more interesting and exciting. I fear they won't ever experience those feelings by just being so blatant with their sexual behaviors.

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Message 137340

Posted by deadmomwalking on Jul 13, 2004 10:37 PM | Also by deadmomwalking

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: N/A, State: N/A, Country: Canada

Have you discussed this with the girl’s parents?  If not you should, if only to head off any hysteria. Let them know you think the behavior was totally inappropriate and you are dealing with it and will have your son get counseling if it is necessary.   I have a 14 yr old son so I can relate to the overactive hormones.  In one sense I don't think you should overreact to this incident.  He is still a kid, and probably a very confused one.  On the other hand it has to be made clear to him that his actions are completely inappropriate.  Have you noticed any other impulse control problems?  If not, this may be just a one-time incident that is best dealt with firmly and then put behind him.  To have to talk to his parents (and perhaps have to apologize to HER parents) about the incident may be all the punishment and mortification required to keep him from ever repeating it.  If he does have impulse control problems then he may need additional counseling, and of course, if he confesses a deep-seated attraction to little girls, then he really does need help.  I think that it’s a good bet however that he was simply horny, not sure what to do with it because it’s a fairly recent phenomena and an opportunity to explore presented itself.

We have this  schizoid culture.  Kids are bombarded and targeted with sexual messages but they are not given the tools to deal with their sexual and emotional reactions.  We expect them to be assexual innocents and tend to not think about the messages and emotions they are struggling with.  Sometimes I think as a society, and as parents, we have tended to abdicate our responsibility to teach our children responsible behavior because quite frankly we are confused and are not sure what is appropriate any more.  Morality is all relative now, it seems.  So we just tend to avoid the topic.

I will give you an example.  My 14 yr old son has recently acquired a girlfriend, who belongs to the same band as he does.   She is a few months younger than him.  This came earlier than I expected. It was only a year ago that he thought girls were dumb and was running away from them.  I have only had the most basic "birds and bees" discussion with him but he has been watching "Friends" and Seinfeld since he was 8. I guess I have been remiss because I have not really known what to say to him about dating, relationships, sexuality, etc.

This weekend past I took him and his girlfriend  to an event involving the band and we camped.  I was keeping a fairly close eye on things.  I had, after all, been entrusted with the safety of a 13 yr old girl.  What amazed me was their apparent lack of embarassment (at least on the girlfriend's part) in their displays of physical affection - in front of me, MOM.  I didn't even hold hands with my boyfriend in front of my parents, let alone smooch and stroke him.  I felt like saying, "Get a room, guys." but of course I didn't want that either.  Finally I said, "Look, you guys - hand-holding is OK, maybe an arm around a shoulder but I do NOT want to have to see this full body contact."  My son blushed to the tips of his hair and quickly apologized. The girlfriend looked a touch put out but she too complied with my request.  I actually think my son was relieved because I think the level of intimacy was too quick and too much for him.

Obviously this is not the same as sexually touching a 5 yr old girl.  However his behavior still went beyond what I considered appropriate and once we got home I had the first of what will be a series of discussions on responsibility in relationships, sexual and otherwise.  My son begged for mercy but I am continuing doggedly on, and even though he acts as if he doesn't need to know any of this stuff he is listening, and, I think, grateful.  Our kids don't know what's appropriate or not, unless we tell them.  We can’t just assume that “they would never do that” because they know it’s wrong.  They certainly aren't going to find out by watching TV or talking to their friends.

I will sound one note of caution.  When my son was 4 and we were visiting a friend he came out of where the kids had been playing and announced that the 9 yr old girl had pulled down his pants and was looking at his dinky and touched it.  Her mother was mortified, apologized and spoke to her daughter in a very exasperated way.  I laughed it off, attributing it to normal childish exploration in a girl who had no brothers.  A few years later when she was 11 the girl approached various other girls, including my daughter, and asked them if they would “have sex with her”.  Parents remained blissfully ignorant.  The girls all kept this to themselves but discussed it among themselves and probably other friends. The mother could not understand why her daughter suddenly became so unpopular.  These stories finally came out 7 years later when her father was arrested for molesting my daughter.  Moral:  sometimes these incidents mean nothing and other times we should have paid more attention.

Thread

137124, momwants2help, Jul 09, 2004 07:17 AM [how bad is it?]
      137152, fallenone, Jul 09, 2004 04:53 PM
            137171, poetsdreamscape, Jul 09, 2004 07:50 PM [time for a talk]
      137258, assumption18, Jul 11, 2004 02:14 AM [um]
            137261, steve, Jul 11, 2004 03:22 AM
            137273, momwants2help, Jul 11, 2004 06:03 AM [I didn't ever see a post either]
                  137287, assumption18, Jul 11, 2004 11:40 PM [Okay this is what i said]
                        137290, steve, Jul 12, 2004 12:40 AM
                              137297, assumption18, Jul 12, 2004 01:18 AM [Perhaps not "no doubt" then]
                              137299, dp1, Jul 12, 2004 01:30 AM
                                    137782, momwants2help, Jul 23, 2004 08:31 AM
                        137545, Silverthorne, Jul 18, 2004 03:49 AM [Disagree]
                  137328, jiGGaMe, Jul 13, 2004 03:59 AM [You sound overwhelmed..]
                  137340, deadmomwalking, Jul 13, 2004 10:37 PM
                        137381, myoung, Jul 15, 2004 01:26 AM [deadmomwalking]
                        137783, momwants2help, Jul 23, 2004 08:48 AM [thank you for your thoughts]
                              137844, deadmomwalking, Jul 23, 2004 10:55 PM [momw2h]
      137360, momwants2help, Jul 14, 2004 08:54 AM [Thank you to all who posted replies....u...]
            137546, Silverthorne, Jul 18, 2004 03:51 AM
                  137857, deadmomwalking, Jul 24, 2004 08:33 AM [painful erections]
            137679, poetsdreamscape, Jul 21, 2004 06:55 AM
                  137781, momwants2help, Jul 23, 2004 08:18 AM [in response to some of your questions]
                        137841, poetsdreamscape, Jul 23, 2004 10:08 PM [no]

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Forum: The Other SideThread (Discussion): need advice about my son

Message 137381 (In Reply to Message 137340)deadmomwalking

Message 137340

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Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): need advice about my son

Message 137381 (In Reply to Message 137340)
deadmomwalking