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Forum: The Other Side
Thread (Discussion): My Niece - Jake
Message 136798
Meeting with her for the first time....
Posted by JakeLF
on Jul 01, 2004 11:28 PM | Also by JakeLF
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Earlier this afternoon I met with my niece and my sister and her husband. I basically sat down with them and told them that I was very sorry for what I did to her and that I know that it has effected them forever and that there will never be trust between all of us again because of that and that I was sorry. I ended up telling them that I am a pedophile and that I am attracted to children but I am doing everything in my power to stop me from acting on my urges ever again. My niece told me that she has always been angry with me ever since and that I ruined her chances of ever being a mom because I ruined something inside of her.
I felt so low and like trash again when I heard that and that impacted me big time, I started to cry and I told her that I was very sorry and that I knew that no matter what I could say to her that sorry was not going to be enough. She was never going to bare children because of me and what I did to her. She told me that she trusted me and now couldn't understand what would make an adult man like myself to think that a 7yo child would enjoy intercourse. I told her that I wasn't thinking when I molested her and that I was thinking about myself only and that I never put her feelings into play. It was such an intense meeting with her. Her therapist was there and so was mine. My therapist started talking about what I have been doing in therapy and her therapist started talking about her and what they were talking about.
My niece ended up telling me that she was glad that I came and appologized to her but that it wasn't enough and that she did get closeure but seeing me and realizing that I was a sick person and still am since I still have feelings for children on a sexual level. I told her that I wish I wasn't this way but that I am and there is no on and off button to make me being a pedophile go away. Though I did tell her that there is no way that I will ever be in the situation where I can be alone with a child again, with the law preventing that and also by me doing the same.
She then asked if I had more victims and I told her that I did but that she was the only one that was a relative and she started to cry and ask why it had to be her. I didn't have a response to that and I just sat there silent and felt so bad again. I do not know if the meeting caused any good or made it worse. Her dad told me that he has no understanding what draws me to children and why I molested children but told me that I should find god before its too late. He had a eye of hatred towards me and when I walked towards my sister she told me to get the hell out of her house.
My sister had a 4yo daughter there and I felt so bad for what I did and by them having another daughter there having another chance to have grandchildren and thank god I will have nothing to do with there family so that will avoid my evilness from expoliting her. I hate my life and I hate what I did to her and it has effected me big time now.
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Message 136827 (In Reply to Message 136798)
Sad
Posted by Silverthorne
on Jul 02, 2004 06:00 AM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
"Her dad told me that he has no understanding what draws me to children and why I molested children but told me that I should find god before its too late. "
Exactly how old is she now and why cant she have children? Was this a medical diagnosis?
As for the father you've apologized. Of course they wont greet you with open arms. You violated a trust and abused your niece. But you've done what YOU need to do. You've apologized. Its up to THEM to move on or not.
Either way YOU can now move on. YOU have done what YOU needed to do. You cant make them accept the apology.
I'd be disturbed if you felt no guilt over what you did. I find your remorse to be encouraging. But I also find your self-pity to be a bit upsetting. As someone who battles pedophilia I also know what you're talking about but you need to put aside the "wooo is me". You've got an illness. There is no cure. You just have to live with it.
Don't expect people to understand why your this way. Like the father said he can't understand how you could be attracted to children. Likewise I can't understand how men can be attracted to women (so there). Your sexual "target" isn't acceptable. Your going to have to live a sexually isolated life but that doesnt mean you have to be isolated.
Silverthorne
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Message 136830 (In Reply to Message 136798)
Jake
Posted by dp1
on Jul 02, 2004 01:47 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
You have no idea how refreshing it is to see a pedophile express remorse or guilt for their crimes. Although I am saddened by your sorrow, I also feel a sense of relief and hope for the future. Let me explain. Not all pedophiles feel bad about what they do. I guess we can say that those are the antisocial types that we all love to hate. The predators, the reoffenders, the typical child molester that we think about when we pass 1,000 foot laws about, etc....
You and I both know not all pedophiles are antisocial and reoffend daily like the typical predator. People like you aren't necessarily perceived as "the monster" because of your human emotions. There is hope that you will bond with people (antisocials never do) and learn to do whatever it takes not to re-offend because it feels bad. Your intense feelings right now will soon be turned into positive energy and motivate you to do the right thing as long as you don't get stuck emotionally with the "poor me" mentality.
Jake, I have seen people who have done a lot worse and have recovered quite well. Although I don't have a crystal ball, I honestly believe that people can change so long as they have a strong desire. I hope you share the same idea and make the decision to move forward.
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Message 136835 (In Reply to Message 136798)
Posted by fallenone
on Jul 02, 2004 05:00 PM | Also by fallenone
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Ohio,
Country: United States |
I'm glad Silverthorne is here since he has more personal experience with these feeling than I do. At this point you've done all you can. I hope you take Silverthorne's advice because I've done the exact same thing. The road ahead is hard so you have to be strong. Overcoming anything like this is not easy. But you know as well as I self-pity will not help you get through it. I hope you can find a way to reach out to people who will still accept you even though you've done a bad thing. Your actions today determines your future. I hope you see that session you spoke of as the closing of that chapter. I hope the next chapter will be one of victory.
The Fallen One
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Message 136842 (In Reply to Message 136827)
The Day After
Posted by JakeLF
on Jul 03, 2004 12:43 AM | Also by JakeLF
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
She is 18, and she told me that her doctor said awhile ago that she couldn't have children because I damaged someothing inside her. I am not sure excatly what is wrong with her but that is what she told me. I am not sure if they just told me that to make me feel worse for what I did to her or if it is actually fact. I guess I will never know.
Yeah your right about me feeling bad about myself and feeling like things will never be better. I am starting to gradually feel better about who I am and the fact that I am a pedophile. I know that will never change about who I am and that I shouldn't be scared of that. I have started to feel a little bit better since yesterday when I talked to my niece. I feel alot better and feel like a few things got some closeure.
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Message 136844 (In Reply to Message 136842)
Jake
Posted by dp1
on Jul 03, 2004 03:58 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Do you anticipate any future contact with your niece? It would be interesting to hear how she felt about the confrontation.
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Message 136936 (In Reply to Message 136798)
Posted by deadmomwalking
on Jul 05, 2004 09:18 AM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
Well, that is done anyway. I know it was a painful meeting but it was a very productive one - for both you and your niece. You had the opportunity to apologize but also to hear what the effect of your actions was on your niece. I remember that prior to the meeting you seemed to be expressing the hope that you niece might still remember you fondly, that perhaps you hadn't done any real lasting harm. Now you know this is not the case. It almost never is in cases of child abuse and that knowledge should help to keep you from reoffending.
Victims usually say the two questions they want answered are "Why" and Why me?"
Sometimes, as in my daughter's case, they think there is something supernaturally bad about them, that they have somehow brought these horrible things upon themselves, even though they don't know why. What your niece now, hopefully, understands it that she had nothing to do with it, that she is no more responsible for her abuse than she would be for being struck by lightning.
From the victim of a mother I want to thank you heartily for posting your experiences. Your honesty and soul-searching has lifted a burden of sorts for me. It is what I wished that my daughter's abuser could find the courage and moral rectitude to do.
I had a talk with the minister of the church I have been attending and she said an interesting thing. She said that we all "sin" and commit evil acts at times; that this is human. We start losing our humanity when we begin rationalizing and making excuses for our sins, rather than admitting and atoning for them and that we cross over into evil when we can no longer see that what we are doing is wrong.
I am glad you are crossing back.
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Message 136950 (In Reply to Message 136936)
oops, freudian slip
Posted by deadmomwalking
on Jul 05, 2004 07:19 PM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
I meant mother of victim, not victim of mother, although I am sure some of my daughter's therapist's might agree with the first assessment. Perhaps it was my guilt showing through.
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Message 136956 (In Reply to Message 136936)
DMW
Posted by dp1
on Jul 05, 2004 09:34 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
As usual, your posts are insightful and uplifting. Thanks. I enjoy positive readings.
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Message 137039 (In Reply to Message 136798)
Jake
Posted by dp1
on Jul 07, 2004 02:56 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
We haven't heard from you in a few days. I hope all is going well. I realize the meeting with your neice must have been difficult for you. If you are just lurking would you mind posting one or two to let us know how you are progressing?
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Thread
136798, JakeLF, Jul 01, 2004 11:28 PM [Meeting with her for the first time....]
136827, Silverthorne, Jul 02, 2004 06:00 AM [Sad]
136842, JakeLF, Jul 03, 2004 12:43 AM [The Day After]
136844, dp1, Jul 03, 2004 03:58 AM [Jake]
136830, dp1, Jul 02, 2004 01:47 PM [Jake]
136835, fallenone, Jul 02, 2004 05:00 PM
136936, deadmomwalking, Jul 05, 2004 09:18 AM
136950, deadmomwalking, Jul 05, 2004 07:19 PM [oops, freudian slip]
136956, dp1, Jul 05, 2004 09:34 PM [DMW]
137039, dp1, Jul 07, 2004 02:56 PM [Jake]
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