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Forum: The Other Side
Thread (Discussion): Struggling Part 2
Message 136765
Seeking Help...
Posted by JakeLF
on Jul 01, 2004 12:42 AM | Also by JakeLF
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
As I said in my prior struggling post I have been struggling with my desires and feelings towards children. I am not like most SO where I don't have an attraction to women or even men, my whole life I have always been drawn to children. I am a pedophile 100%, no ifs or ands about it. In the past I made the fact that I was a pedophile a green light for me to molest children. I don't want that to be the green light anymore and it hasn't been for some time. Even though I am attracted to children I have kept my feelings for children at bay and in fantasies and not reality.
I have met with my therapist almost daily and have told him there are times where I come close but do not do it because I know how it would hurt a child and it would hurt me by relapsing into my old pattern of abuse and I do not want to go there. Yes its extremely hard to go places where children are but I cope and overcome by trying to think of something else or leave when I start thinking about children.
I don't have any violent thoughts about children, I have more violent thoughts about what I would do to myself if I ever acted out sexual with a child again. I want to prevent that and by coming here and getting support and people accepting me even though what I did to my niece is great, its great to have people that can steer me clear from relapsing into the behavior I was once involved in.
I appreciate the few people that said that I should go to a religious place and find sanction there, I really don't see that happening anytime soon. God must think people like me are disgusting and trash. I have violated children's trust and violated them sexually, I don't think god has any room for a sinner like me. Also its nice going to a therapist to discuss my problems, but he says that I am not an exclusive pedophile which I really don't agree with. I think that you can be a pedophile and never act out your desires, am I wrong in this thinking?
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Message 136768 (In Reply to Message 136765)
Jake
Posted by dp1
on Jul 01, 2004 04:00 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I'd like to ask some questions for clarification. You mentioned that your therapist does not think you are an exclusive pedophile which you don't agree with. Does your therapist mean that you can also have a sexually gratifying relationship with an adult?
You also question about being a pedophile who has never acted out. Silverthorne is a regular poster on this board who's been diagnosed with pedophilia and states that he's never acted on his desires, although he's had some close calls according to some of his posts. Just as a side note, Silverthorne has not posted much lately becuase of his recent cancer treatments, although within the next few weeks he should be done with his chemo. The reason I am mentioning this is because he's awesome. He's very supportive and has been in volunteer therapy for years. He has quite a story to tell. He's also fun to chat with:-) I think you guys will hit it off....just give him a few weeks to recover. He can tell you more about pedophilia then you'll ever want to know. He's also doing some graduate work in psychology and hopes to treat adult sex offenders down the road. I think Silverthorne is an excellent role model for pedophiles and most certainly would be posting to you more often right now if it weren't for his health problems.
I have a question for you. I also asked Silverthorne the same thing. While I understand we all have sexual preferences, what is stopping you from having sex with adults? Do you prefer males or females or both? Were all your victims about the same age and sex or is there a variety?
I am heterosexual 100%. I don't find women attractive AT ALL. However, in DP1's fantasy world if they outlawed sex with men and sex with children remained illegal, I suppose I'd have to try women. Quite honestly the thought is repulsive to me, but if I had a choice of breaking the law, satisfying myself for the rest of my life or women, I suppose I'd force myself to try it.(Please don't ask me how much I'd have to drink and what I'd have to smoke to do this) Do you know what I mean?
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Message 136776 (In Reply to Message 136765)
Jake jake jake
Posted by myoung
on Jul 01, 2004 01:06 PM | Also by myoung
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
I hope you really don't believe that God would think you are disgusting and trash. Remember, God is supposed to be the creator of all things. That doesn't mean that His creations aren't flawed but I beleive He still loves all of them despite their flaws. Stop being so cruel to yourself. Even though I don't go to church myself....I am definitely more spiritual than I am a believer in man made religiions, I still believe that His love is the one love I can ALWAYS count on in addition to the love of my own children because they are both unconditional.
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Message 136782 (In Reply to Message 136765)
Posted by fallenone
on Jul 01, 2004 03:34 PM | Also by fallenone
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Ohio,
Country: United States |
I know stepping out on faith is not easy but trust me on this. When I left prison I was in a christian group home living a quasi-monastic life. Did I agree with all the rules? No. But I found more acceptance, trust, and people of honor there. I found hypocrites too but don't focus on them like most people. I have recently reunited with a couple who have known me for 10 years. They still accept me even know I've done such a bad thing through the eyes of society. The Bible does teach we are responsible for our own actions but it also teaches God has mercy on us. If we were hopeless then all these laws and orders would be for naught. It is unfair we struggle through personal crises and addictions but the best we can do is overcome these shortcomings though all the resources available to us. If one doesn't accept you then let that person be. God will provide you with people who will support you if you turn to them. This will take trust/ faith. I once worshipped Satan so believe me there are stronger powers in this world beyond our own. I've made a complete turnaround but this strength was not all mine. But my faith was the source of everything I've said to you personally. If you doubt God can care about you because you are so "evil" in your eyes read about Kind David. He got someone else's wife pregnant, then had her husband killed and married the girl to hide his adultery. Was he punished? Yes, but after that ordeal David still was one of the greatest men who ever lived. I hope this helps some.
The Fallen One
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Message 136828 (In Reply to Message 136768)
Thanks DP1- Jake
Posted by Silverthorne
on Jul 02, 2004 06:08 AM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
Thanks for the kind words DP1. I appreciate it. I'm feeling better too and hope to start posting more soon.
Jake I think (to be honest) is feeling sorry for himself. Maybe not so much for his status as an SO but for being a pedophile. Personally if your totally focused on children and not attracted to adults I could care less what your doctor says you have pedophilia.
DP1 brings up a good question regarding sexual activities. I myself have had some sexual encounters with adults (in the past). Because my "target" is boys my encounters have been heavily homosexual in nature (last was many years ago). I decided it wasn't for me. That doesn't mean I wont do it again someday though (my religion is anti-homosexual so Im celebate).
While I wasnt really attracted to the adults it was an outlet for me. At the time I was a bit confused and desperate so I wasn't really a "good" partner but hey casual sex is just that.... casual.
Even without sexual contact though I do have some adult friends (a few). While none of them know about my attractions to boys they also respect me enough not to talk about "sex" (I think they believe Im a closet-homosexual - haha).
I'm not sure what type of restrictions you have on probation but social activity is CRITICAL in therapy. When I was in therapy voluntarily I really struggled to go out and do stuff. Now its easier. As a pedophilie I've always been kind of a recluse and I've had times when I've felt very sorry for myself. In the "big picture" though I realize I cant do anything about it EXCEPT LIVE WITH IT.
Don't let the label "pedophile" drag you down. There is NOTHING WRONG with being attracted to kids (its a mental illness). The "wrong" is acting on it which you did. But you also have to opportunity to NOT act again! You made a mistake. You've apologized for it. Now its time for YOU to move along with YOUR treatment and development.
Silverthorne
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Message 137236 (In Reply to Message 136768)
Posted by WalkingTheLine
on Jul 10, 2004 11:19 PM | Also by WalkingTheLine
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Do you happen to work in Jacksonville, dp1? I might have to request you as my probation officer. :) If mine had the kinds of open dialogues you've talked about on here, I wouldn't consider interaction with him to be such a burdensome process.
I have a question for you. I also asked Silverthorne the same thing. While I understand we all have sexual preferences, what is stopping you from having sex with adults? Do you prefer males or females or both? Were all your victims about the same age and sex or is there a variety?
Although the question wasn't directed at me, I've had my therapist ask me this one before. Going in reverse order, I'm oriented exclusively towards preteen and early teen males, and all three of my past relationships (I'm still not swayed enough to use the term 'victims' to describe them) were with males of that age group. When I say "oriented", I mean (without getting too graphic) that what I find physically attractive about a person is found almost always in males of that age (there are people with pan-hypopituitarism, essentially adults in prepubescent bodies, but aside from being virtually unfindable, it seems so crass to turn around and say, 'Hey, your disease makes you attractive to me, wanna go out?') This is not to say that the physical is all that matters, but it is, if you'll pardon the expression, what seperates the men from the boys.
There's nothing "stopping" me from having sex with adults, just like there's nothing stopping you from having sex with women. And I'd probably enjoy it to a certain extent, too - any sex causes pleasure, a fact which makes forced sex all the more damaging to victims of it. However I don't believe in casual sex, or any sex outside of the context of a romantic relationship, and I would feel morally affronted at the idea of "using" an adult merely for sexual gratification. And I wouldn't be able to feel the "bond" of that relationship - whatever spiritual and emotional connection beyond words comes from true, deep love with a partner. Why not? No idea. Of course, I wish I could - it would make life a lot easier. While on probation, I have been attempting to seek out relationships with adult males. I find that it is possible for me to find some 18-23 year old males attractive, although I think I might be going through something akin to "submarine syndrome." I won't know that for sure until I'm off probation, whereupon hopefully I'll have an adult partner and I can see whether things change.
However, in DP1's fantasy world if they outlawed sex with men and sex with children remained illegal, I suppose I'd have to try women.
That's so hard for me to understand. Why would you allow the law to maintain that much control over you? If the law required you to round up sex offenders for mass execution, would you still respect legal authority? At what point does a law demand resistance?
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Message 137237 (In Reply to Message 136765)
Posted by WalkingTheLine
on Jul 10, 2004 11:37 PM | Also by WalkingTheLine
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Even though I am attracted to children I have kept my feelings for children at bay and in fantasies and not reality.
My therapist would say that you're rewarding your deviant sexual thoughts with a sexual climax by continuing these fantasies, and that such rewards make it more likely for you to reoffend in the future.
While I'm not so sure I agree on that statement as a unilateral truth, I'm reminded of a great quote from Harry Potter, where Dumbledore says, "It does not do to dwell on dreams... and forget to live." Simply put, if you want to take every step possible to minimize the chance that you ever have sex with a child again, you have to find another sexual outlet. It may not be your preference, but sex is sex - it's going to be pleasurable one way or the other. You might try to find a girl who is willing to do everything possible to make herself appear younger for you, if you do whatever you need to do to make yourself more attractive for her. It's not a perfect solution, but with things the way they are, there really isn't one, and at least it keeps you as a free human being and helps prevent you from doing permanent damage over an impulse control failure.
At the very least, all the time you spend trying to make it work is time that you're too busy to notice the local kids.
I don't have any violent thoughts about children, I have more violent thoughts about what I would do to myself if I ever acted out sexual with a child again.
As kind of a final postscript, I just feel the need to say this - if, God forbid, you do mess up, and you do hurt another child, please don't hurt yourself as well. A life in prison may suck, but at least it's a /life/, and there are ways to be a good, decent and productive human being who makes a difference while you're behind bars. Who knows, maybe you can even talk to another inmate and prevent a future sex offense from occuring, just by being a good example. Once you've relapsed, the damage is already done, and hurting yourself is not going to make your victim's pain any less real - it could potentially even make it worse.
God bless and good luck.
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Message 137264 (In Reply to Message 137236)
WTL
Posted by dp1
on Jul 11, 2004 04:03 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Hello Walking. Welcome to this forum.
Do you happen to work in Jacksonville, dp1? I might have to request you as my probation officer. :) If mine had the kinds of open dialogues you've talked about on here, I wouldn't consider interaction with him to be such a burdensome process.
No I do not work in Jacksonville. If you think conversations in this forum are open you should hear them in real life:-) It's a shame you don't have open communication with your officer. However, from the very little I have seen you seem to communicate well yourself and with your therapist. This is a good thing.
That's so hard for me to understand. Why would you allow the law to maintain that much control over you? If the law required you to round up sex offenders for mass execution, would you still respect legal authority? At what point does a law demand resistance?
I understand what you are saying. My example was simply a fantasy of mine from a heterosexual point of view. My point being, if a pedophile or sex offender loved kids as much as I love men and I have the strength to say no then they could too. Alternatives other than breaking the law should be looked at first IMO.
If I were told today that I suffered from diabetes and if I continued to eat sugar I would go blind then guess what? Me and those little pink packets called Sweet N Low would be best buddies all of a sudden, catch my drift?
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Message 137288 (In Reply to Message 137264)
Posted by WalkingTheLine
on Jul 11, 2004 11:45 PM | Also by WalkingTheLine
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I understand what you are saying. My example was simply a fantasy of mine from a heterosexual point of view. My point being, if a pedophile or sex offender loved kids as much as I love men and I have the strength to say no then they could too. Alternatives other than breaking the law should be looked at first IMO.
Having met other sex offenders in prison and in therapy, there are many who seem to suffer from a sexual impulse control problem - almost like a starving man on an island who suddenly sees a hamburger, their libido gets so worked up over time that their sense of reason can literally be overriden by their cravings. That's what makes aversive therapy and learning to find a legal, healthy outlet so important in those cases, so that things never get pushed to that point for them. Left unchecked, I think some of them do get to the point where they "can't" say no.
I don't fit into that mold, as I don't have an impulse control problem. Thus, I most certainly /could/ say no. But then the question becomes /should/ I? Before I actually experienced the legal process, my answer was no, and I really don't have any regrets about the choice. I believe very strongly in childrens' equality - not just in sexual matters, but in voting, driving, labor, and every other area of society. If approached by a boy who has feelings for me, whom I have feelings for, the question becomes whether or not we are both willing to risk the consequences of the act. We discussed it at length, decided it was worth it, and proceeded.
Now that I've been /through/ the legal process, of course, I have less rose-colored glasses on about whether or not it's worth it. My family and my partner's family all went through hell on our account, and the effect it would have on them was something we hadn't considered when we made our decision. Now that I truly appreciate the weight of all of that, I can't balance it against even the most intimite bond of sexual contact.
Just because I'm not willing to pay the price anymore, though, doesn't mean that the act is morally or ethically wrong. I don't believe it is, and I believe that the law prohibiting it is as unjust and discriminatory as every other law relegating minors to the status of second-class citizens.
I guess in this case, I agree with you that breaking the law is ineffective and counterproductive. There are other circumstances that would be different - civil disobedience is still the best form of protest, IMO. But forbidden, covert relationships don't fit the profile of civil disobedience because the whole point is to make your voice heard.
Sorry, this is a really long rant and kinda strayed away from the bounds of just responding to your comment. ;) I guess the main thing that I'm trying to convey is that it's hard to "just say no" when the people most involved, you and the child, believe "no" is the wrong answer.
If I were told today that I suffered from diabetes and if I continued to eat sugar I would go blind then guess what? Me and those little pink packets called Sweet N Low would be best buddies all of a sudden, catch my drift?
Doesn't that stuff cause cancer? :)
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Thread
136765, JakeLF, Jul 01, 2004 12:42 AM [Seeking Help...]
136768, dp1, Jul 01, 2004 04:00 AM [Jake]
136828, Silverthorne, Jul 02, 2004 06:08 AM [Thanks DP1- Jake]
137236, WalkingTheLine, Jul 10, 2004 11:19 PM
137264, dp1, Jul 11, 2004 04:03 AM [WTL]
137288, WalkingTheLine, Jul 11, 2004 11:45 PM
136776, myoung, Jul 01, 2004 01:06 PM [Jake jake jake]
136782, fallenone, Jul 01, 2004 03:34 PM
137237, WalkingTheLine, Jul 10, 2004 11:37 PM
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