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Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): Struggling

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Message 136581 (In Reply to Message 136576)
JAKE

Posted by deadmomwalking on Jun 26, 2004 05:28 PM | Also by deadmomwalking

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: 50 - 59, State: N/A, Country: Canada

Hi Jake

I have been worrying about you. I really hope that you talk to your counsellor. I am glad that you are coming here but we are not substitutes for a flesh and blood counsellor. First of all we don't really know you and all your circumstances and secondly we are not trained counsellors. I don't want to feel like I say something that I mean to be helpful and it makes you feel a lot worse (as I often seem to do with my daughter) . If you are really feeling down you are going to be viewing yourself and the world through a negative lens and will sometimes take things the wrong way.

I think the most important thing for you right now is to stabilize your emotions. They are what is making you most vulnerable. When people's emotions are running riot they tend to look for things to relieve their pain, and if they lack coping skills or don't know how to handle overwhelming emotions they tend to turn to things that are self-destructive like drugs, alcohol, self-mutilation or in some cases a sexual addiction. It seems to me that thinking about being with children is what you are using to sooth yourself, to distract yourself from your pain. But like all self-destructive things, it only provides a very temporary respite and then you feel even worse. What other things make you feel better when you are down? Make a list. Keep it with you and whenever you feel really down and drawn to self-destructive behaviors do one of the things on the list.

As TTS pointed out, it is not just sexual offenders and their actions that hurt people. People are hurt, betrayed and ruined by many events and people. What is past is past. It is the job of victims to take care of themselves and recover. It is your job to take care of yourself and do no more harm.

You say a lot of things in your post that show you have made progress and are thinking beyond yourself. You talk about a "false reality" where you imagine children as lovers. Exactly. It is a false reality. It is a fantasy and a destructive one. When you find your mind wandering it that direction, stop. Replace that thought with a real thought, eg. the harm done to the victim and yourself. Then move on to a more positive action or thought.

It is possible that you will always be a pedophile. Accept that. Many alcoholics will always be alcoholics but they never have another drink. It is not our temptations that make us hurt others and ourselves - it is our behavior. Maybe you cannot control your attraction to children but you can refuse to act on it. Silverthorne has refused to act on his.

You mention seeing your niece in court and that she smiled at you as if nothing happened. It is tempting to rationalize that she doesn't really seem to be harmed by what you did, and I hope this is the case. Every one of us does this when we do something bad - that is we tell ourselves that we didn't really mean or do any harm. I hope, like you, that this means she will go on to live a healthy happy life. But I have to tell you that you may be seeing what you want to see. My daughter smiled and acted like nothing happened as well. Inside she was coming apart. I pray that your niece will recover, that the harm to her will be minimal and so should you. However, sexual abuse of children is sort of like shooting off a gun randomly in a mall. You may say you never wanted to kill anyone, but it is a reckless regard for human life. And it is not just the child's life that is affected but all those who love him/her. But you know this. You are recognizing this. That's good. Keep at it. Don't let your mind slip into the error that you weren't really doing any harm.

As to others seeking revenge on you, when I told you about how I feel about my daughter's rapist I was not telling you that because I think it is a good thing. I was using it as an example of how I too have dark fantasies that I have to pull myself back from. Even though I think he DESERVES punishment and I feel angry that he did not suffer any consequences for what he did I would not really take the law into my own hands. That is because I don't believe in the principle of vigilante justice. If everyone just ran around punishing the people they think deserve it we would have anarchy. I don't want to live in a society like that. I want to live in a society that is just and fair, where there isn't a law of the jungle, where people are innocent until proved guilty and where there is rehabilitation and second chances for those that offend. In our case that means we have had to sacrifice justice for our daughter for the greater good. That's painful but it's life.

I am sorry that your efforts to make new friends have been rebuffed, but don't give up. I agree with TTS that that minister was being hypocritical. Christians are supposed to be in the business of forgiveness. TTS said that the Salvation Army are a group that live their faith and he is right, although Fallenone said they wouldn't accept him. I used to belong to the Salvation Army as a kid, however and I can vouch for what TTS says. In my experience they never gave up on people. Maybe you could start by writing a letter, saying how much you are struggling to live a good life and need their help.

As for the immediate urges you have. Don't act on them. There is always an alternative. It would be good if you had a buddy, sort of like an AA buddy, that you could take to at these times. If not try another minister, God, a crisis line. Do you have a PO? Even taking a walk down to the police station and telling them you are worried about yourself would be better than offending on a child. Preempt yourself. You talked before about missing jail :)

I can't help but see the parallels between you and my daughter and this is what I meant by both perpetrators and victims having to heal. My daughter hates being in the hospital but sometimes she couldn't stand the pain anymore and she would make a suicide attempt - fortunately she would usually go and tell someone after she had swallowed the pills or poison and would get into the hospital in enough time to save her life. Self-mutilation and suicide attempts are her poor coping strategies. When she is feeling really bad thinking about suicide is comforting to her. Unfortunately allowing herself to think about it a lot makes it more likely she will actually do it. She is getting a little better. Now she tries to district herself from those self-destructive thoughts and actions but when she really can't stand it anymore she checks herself into the emergency BEFORE she does anything. She might only spend a day there but it is enough.

Jake, you can MAKE a good life. Don't wait for it to happen to you. Believe in yourself. No one else has to believe in you as long as you do.

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Message 136576
Cheer up Mate

Posted by tryingtosurvive on Jun 26, 2004 01:25 PM | Also by tryingtosurvive

Gender: Male, Age Bracket: 40 - 49, State: N/A, Country: Australia

I admire your guts and integrity for spilling your story as you have. Firstly I must disagree with you about the retribution

thing UTTERLY - you have caused a wrong to be done and that is a thing that you have been bought to book for - Mate you have

paid your dues and that is an end of it.   There is a limit to what is expected of you by way of a "Mia Culpa" .. any soft

cock pastor that turns a man like you away from a supposed house of God and it worthless adherennts and hypocrites, is doing

you a favour . Do you guys have the Salvation Army in America. ? They are hard core and free of wet fish hand shakes ... they

are all action and no talk ..

That you should think a person that killed you in revenge should somehow be excused the due penalty is wrong too . That is

barbarism. A soceity can be judged best by the compassion it shows to it's outsiders.

I cant understand your predilection for messing with kids, it frankly digusts me, but since it is there, I must search for

mechanisms -   since I was sexually active at that age with my peers I can recall the delicious innocence of being asked to

interact physicaly with prepubescent girls ... I was only 11.

Since then teeth tits and vast expanses of verdant pubic hair, adult sex have thrown a switch in my head, for me that made me

an adult.  I find other vices far less comprehensible than yours ..like gambling away the bread on your famlie's table ....

like letting smack rule your life ... to me these are far more reprehensible.

You have a right to your life with all it's ups and downs .... you have a right to be respected as a human being even by

someone like me who hates paedophiles ... 
I ask  myself "What if that switch hadn't thrown in my head" and I had the hots for kiddies still instead of Francis Mac

Dormand and Franka Portenta .... and sports planes. More importantly you need to be protected from the ignorant and the

vicious and given the chance to get your shit together. People get damaged for all sorts of reasons .. not just because of

lapses of yours. We do not live in a "Little House in the Praire"

If I found you living next door to me or on my team where I work I would treat you as another human being who is no better or

worse than myself in the role call.

It might be worth your while to read Mark Twain's darker works ... throw you some sence of perspective.

Kind Regards

TTS

Thread

136445, JakeLF, Jun 23, 2004 06:40 AM [Its really hard]
      136466, deadmomwalking, Jun 23, 2004 07:29 PM
            136477, myoung, Jun 24, 2004 01:36 AM [it saddens me]
            136528, JakeLF, Jun 25, 2004 04:29 AM [Thanks for the response]
                  136551, myoung, Jun 25, 2004 04:10 PM [Jake]
                  136558, dp1, Jun 25, 2004 11:22 PM [Jake]
      136508, dp1, Jun 24, 2004 01:31 PM
            136688, fallenone, Jun 28, 2004 07:34 PM [Therapy doesn't cut it.]
                  136701, dp1, Jun 29, 2004 02:52 AM [Listen to What you're Saying]
                        136703, steve, Jun 29, 2004 03:17 AM
                              136722, fallenone, Jun 29, 2004 05:10 PM [An unDePendable assessment]
                                    136725, dp1, Jun 29, 2004 06:29 PM [Beautiful]
                                          136728, dp1, Jun 29, 2004 06:49 PM [Friendly Suggestion]
                                                136781, fallenone, Jul 01, 2004 03:21 PM [Get over yourself]
                                          136792, fallenone, Jul 01, 2004 06:27 PM
                                                136854, dp1, Jul 03, 2004 11:17 AM [F1]
                                                      136873, fallenone, Jul 03, 2004 07:45 PM [You're trying too hard]
                                                            136887, dp1, Jul 04, 2004 04:31 AM [F1]
                                                                  137004, fallenone, Jul 06, 2004 11:42 PM [reforming the...]
                                    136739, myoung, Jun 29, 2004 08:41 PM [F1]
                                          136740, steve, Jun 29, 2004 09:16 PM
                                          136742, dp1, Jun 29, 2004 11:49 PM [MYoung]
                                                136747, myoung, Jun 30, 2004 03:53 AM [absolutely dp1]
                                                      136751, dp1, Jun 30, 2004 04:57 AM [MYoung]
                                                            136775, myoung, Jul 01, 2004 12:53 PM [uh huh]
                                          136783, fallenone, Jul 01, 2004 03:54 PM [Et tu, brute?]
      136576, tryingtosurvive, Jun 26, 2004 01:25 PM [Cheer up Mate]
            136581, deadmomwalking, Jun 26, 2004 05:28 PM [JAKE]
                  136620, tryingtosurvive, Jun 27, 2004 01:10 PM [Amen to DMW with some reservations.]
                        136634, dp1, Jun 27, 2004 09:36 PM [TTS]
      136817, nolongerhomocidal, Jul 02, 2004 04:04 AM [what about just talking to your PO]
            136831, dp1, Jul 02, 2004 02:00 PM [NLH]

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Forum: The Other SideThread (Discussion): Struggling

Message 136581 (In Reply to Message 136576)JAKE

Message 136576Cheer up Mate

Thread

Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): Struggling

Message 136581 (In Reply to Message 136576)
JAKE

Message 136576
Cheer up Mate