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Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): Struggling

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Message 136551 (In Reply to Message 136528)
Jake

Posted by myoung on Jun 25, 2004 04:10 PM | Also by myoung

Gender: N/A, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Pennsylvania, Country: United States

Wow, I am seriously worried about how you see yourself. I, as the parent of a victim, understand the rage of a parent and the want to take out the perp but......the only way I can understand the law being okay with it is if the parent really acts in a one time insane moment with a complete lapse of judgment and even then it's sketchy. That is a tough one to prove and just about anyone who commits a crime should use it then since all crimes are based on poor judgment and decision making. I know it isn't easy to be who you are. The impulse factor is a difficult feeling to overcome but you can do it. You are in control of yourself. A one time feel good experience that will lead nowhere and destroy your life isn't worth your self respect and dignity (yes, you need to find those again!!). I think the key thing is to have restraint in your actions because you know it is the right thing to do, fully understand all of the consequences of your actions (which it seems you do) and you have given it a lot of thought before impulsively acting out. I'm not saying it's easy by any stretch....it's the same as putting an addict in a store filled with booze and cocaine and saying you have a one day free pass.....go do it up. Kids are everywhere. Is the false love relationship you have with a child worth destoying your life over and over again?? No, I don't believe that you think that. You are already self loathing....if you act out, I fear you will take yourself out just because your feelings about being a monster are reaffirmed each time you act. Your mind is yours. You control it and you control what you do......never forget that. I am not a big fan of BS mental diagnoses. The only mental illness I actually believe exists is schizophrenia. It actually has physical manifestations in the brain detectable by PET scan which justify the hallucinations, etc. Anything else is likely due to hormone imbalances, trauma or mental retardation. What happens when you try to form adult relationships?? Don't you have any common interests with other adults....hobbies, interests, sports, etc.

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Message 136528
Thanks for the response

Posted by JakeLF on Jun 25, 2004 04:29 AM | Also by JakeLF

Gender: N/A, Age Bracket: N/A, State: N/A, Country: United States

I am in counseling and I find it very helpful, but when I go home and I start to feel lonely I go back into relapsing in my mind. I start to think about the child that I saw at the grocery store or at the mall that I thought was cute, my mind begins to wander. I fall into a false reality where I think that relationships between adults and children are normal and I imagine being with the child as lovers. This sounds stupid I know but I just have that weird outllok on things.

I wish and dream daily that I am not or wasn't a pedophile and that I was normal, that I don't have sexual feelings for children, its a daily struggle that I deal with every single day.

I saw my niece that I was caught for at the court date and she acted like nothing happend, she smiled at me and looked directly at me without fear. I never looked at myself as a monster until in court they described what I did to her. I took her innocence away from her, I took her first sexual experience and made it with me, an adult, not someone her own age, not someone that was more on her level when it came to sex. I had intercourse with her, I took her virginity, I planted my seed in her, to this day I feel sick even thinking that I did this to her. Even though she acted like nothing was wrong, what I did was extremely wrong, it ruined relationships I had with people, my parents disowned me because I told them I was a pedophile.

I changed alot of lives because of what I did to my niece. Your right about saying that I was thinking about sex and she wasn't, just because a child does not resist sexually doesn't mean that there okay with it, they just don't know what is happening.

No, I do not have violent thoughts about children at all, there is no way that I could ever harm a child in that matter, even though I am sure that I damaged my niece by having intercourse with her, I guess I have damaged all the children that I have been with sexually, I more or less caused them pain and by doing that was more or less being violent towards them. I don't try on purpose to be that way and don't think about the aftermath until its too late.

I don't want to be a child destroyer and I don't want to be someone that can't be trusted around children, but I will always be that person because of the children that I molested and the fact that I am a pedophile and certain people know that fact, but its probably good that I am never around children ever again.

The things that causing me grief now is that since I am out of prison and trying to live a sex crime free life, I constantly think about children, its not that I am obsessed or anything, its I just want the companionship of a child. I look back on the times where I would just be cuddling with a child and that was enough for me, nothing sexual would happend, we would just spoon together and I loved that. Maybe I just need more counseling or maybe something else, I have thought big time about castration because I honestly feel that I can't get over my desires over children and that I will always long for a childs company and I want to change but its really hard.

I have lots of guilt over the children that I have hurt, I feel bad that I exposed them to sexual touch at such a young age, I have guilt over the way that I hurt my friends that trusted me with there sons and daughters. I feel bad for all of that, but yet I still think about the sexual touch and all that, but now the difference is that I do not act that out because I know what I did with a child was wrong. I crossed that barrier that adults are never supposed to cross.

I really don't blame the parents or the child or even the realitives when they think about seeking revenge on the perpetartor, I think about how happier my family, my victims and everyone else would be if I were not around. I think that is why some child molesters murder the children that they are sexual with because there chicken shits in dealing with the pain that they have caused to there victim and they think by doing that they will never deal with that. I feel like crap when I realize that I molested children that trusted me, I molested them and made our relationship like crap after we parted ways. I guess in alot of ways I thought I was teaching children about sex when in fact I was using them to get off sexually and thinking back on it now, that is just so screwed up to have done. I guess getting back to feeling about the victim seeking revenge, sometimes I wish that it would happen. Heck I would even write a letter saying that they murdered me because I took there childhood and that I want them to be left alone from serving prison or anything like that.

To be totally honest I think that should be a law, if a parent or a victim of child sexual abuse ends up killing the perpetrator then they should be let off because of what the child molester did to that child.

I have tried to make friends with people and I joined a church and made the mistake of telling the pastor that I was released from prison and he asked me for what and I told him for child molestation and he told me that I wouldn't be a good fit at the church and asked me to leave. I have told people upfront about who I am and what I did and people have rejected me because of that. Also it really doesn't help when I say that I still have an attraction to children because right away they think that I will be back in bed with a child again, so do I sit back and lie about not being a pedophile?

A person can be a pedophile without ever acting out sexually with children, I am a pedophile that has acted out sexually with children but I am now trying extremely hard not to get caught back in that weave of dishonest living as I was before, its hard but I am trying my best. I just don't know what to do sometimes. I have tried to talk to family members about it but they want nothing to do with me.

I just don't have a good life, I know the world would sure not miss me if I were gone thats for sure.

Thread

136445, JakeLF, Jun 23, 2004 06:40 AM [Its really hard]
      136466, deadmomwalking, Jun 23, 2004 07:29 PM
            136477, myoung, Jun 24, 2004 01:36 AM [it saddens me]
            136528, JakeLF, Jun 25, 2004 04:29 AM [Thanks for the response]
                  136551, myoung, Jun 25, 2004 04:10 PM [Jake]
                  136558, dp1, Jun 25, 2004 11:22 PM [Jake]
      136508, dp1, Jun 24, 2004 01:31 PM
            136688, fallenone, Jun 28, 2004 07:34 PM [Therapy doesn't cut it.]
                  136701, dp1, Jun 29, 2004 02:52 AM [Listen to What you're Saying]
                        136703, steve, Jun 29, 2004 03:17 AM
                              136722, fallenone, Jun 29, 2004 05:10 PM [An unDePendable assessment]
                                    136725, dp1, Jun 29, 2004 06:29 PM [Beautiful]
                                          136728, dp1, Jun 29, 2004 06:49 PM [Friendly Suggestion]
                                                136781, fallenone, Jul 01, 2004 03:21 PM [Get over yourself]
                                          136792, fallenone, Jul 01, 2004 06:27 PM
                                                136854, dp1, Jul 03, 2004 11:17 AM [F1]
                                                      136873, fallenone, Jul 03, 2004 07:45 PM [You're trying too hard]
                                                            136887, dp1, Jul 04, 2004 04:31 AM [F1]
                                                                  137004, fallenone, Jul 06, 2004 11:42 PM [reforming the...]
                                    136739, myoung, Jun 29, 2004 08:41 PM [F1]
                                          136740, steve, Jun 29, 2004 09:16 PM
                                          136742, dp1, Jun 29, 2004 11:49 PM [MYoung]
                                                136747, myoung, Jun 30, 2004 03:53 AM [absolutely dp1]
                                                      136751, dp1, Jun 30, 2004 04:57 AM [MYoung]
                                                            136775, myoung, Jul 01, 2004 12:53 PM [uh huh]
                                          136783, fallenone, Jul 01, 2004 03:54 PM [Et tu, brute?]
      136576, tryingtosurvive, Jun 26, 2004 01:25 PM [Cheer up Mate]
            136581, deadmomwalking, Jun 26, 2004 05:28 PM [JAKE]
                  136620, tryingtosurvive, Jun 27, 2004 01:10 PM [Amen to DMW with some reservations.]
                        136634, dp1, Jun 27, 2004 09:36 PM [TTS]
      136817, nolongerhomocidal, Jul 02, 2004 04:04 AM [what about just talking to your PO]
            136831, dp1, Jul 02, 2004 02:00 PM [NLH]

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Forum: The Other SideThread (Discussion): Struggling

Message 136551 (In Reply to Message 136528)Jake

Message 136528Thanks for the response

Thread

Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): Struggling

Message 136551 (In Reply to Message 136528)
Jake

Message 136528
Thanks for the response