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Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): Struggling

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Message 136477 (In Reply to Message 136466)
it saddens me

Posted by myoung on Jun 24, 2004 01:36 AM | Also by myoung

Gender: N/A, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Pennsylvania, Country: United States

You express yourself in a way that allows someone to feel your pain and I think that is a very positive thing. I hope that you regain control fo your feelings before you do something you will regret. Have you gone to any groups with other SO's and discussed your feelings (you are not the only one with these feelings by any stretch of your imagination)? Have you taken a real hard look at why you feel that your mentality is that of a child and that you cannot form lasting and substantial relationships with adults (because you write like a reasonably intelligent adult IMO)? Do you have a preference for adults (male/female)? I just hope you aren't trying to fit yourself into some societal mold because you are afraid to express your real feelings and now you want to slide back to something that was just an easier relationship (I am not talking about the aftermath of when you get caught being an easy thing to decide on. I am speaking to the ease of forming a relationship with a child). I have a lot of gay friend, for instance, who could not come out for a long time. In the time they were "in the closet", they did very self destructive things as a way of coping with all the deceiving they had to do on a daily basis. It was sad and you sound like you have to do the same thing. Eventually it will take you to a place you should not go. Stay with us. I am not SO but I am a human being who gives a crap so chin up and speak up. Our ears are open and we ARE hearing you loud and clear.

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Message 136466

Posted by deadmomwalking on Jun 23, 2004 07:29 PM | Also by deadmomwalking

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: N/A, State: N/A, Country: Canada

Jake:
I read your apology in the victim's corner and I was impressed that you had expressed remorse for your actions, which is more than some do.  Are you in counselling?  If not, hie thee forth to someone as soon as possible before you do something that destroys another life, as well as your own.  If you can't afford to see a therapist, there are some clergy who could help (hoping not one that has been abusing kids).  Your illness is in many ways a spiritual one and may require a spiritual "cure" to complement whatever other counselling you receive.

<blockquote>I miss the sexual contact that I had with children, I really felt like they adored me and when we were close I felt complete. </blockquote>
You may "feel" adored by the children you molest but, as my daughter's various therapists are so fond of pointing out, feelings are not facts. My daughter's rapist no doubt felt "adored" by her (and he was well-liked by her before the abuse began) but he soon became a monster in her mind. He probably also told himself the sex was consensual because she didn't offer much resistance. This was another dangerous thinking error. Children are not adults; they do not have the necessary experience or reasoning skills to see the direction an encounter is taking and take steps to protect themselves. You are wrong that your mentality is the same as children - you are thinking about sex when you are with them; they are not. Do you have violent thoughts about kids? Probably not. You probably can't imagine someone torturing or injuring children. How horrible. Yet acting out sexually with kids, even if you think you are doing it in a loving way IS violent and causes just as much damage in the long term (sometimes more) than physical violence. Is this the sort of person you want to be? A child destroyer? I don't think so or you wouldn't be here asking for help.

You have admitted doing a terrible thing.  That doesn't mean you are a terrible person - if you were you wouldn't be here trying to avoid temptation and change.  We all do things in our lives that we are ashamed of and desperately wish we hadn't done.  Guilt and shame are good things if they keep us from repeating our mistakes.  They are spiritual pain and function in the same way as physical pain - they remind us that our souls are in danger.  However you mustn't allow that pain to so overtake you so that you return to old behaviors.  Focus on what it is you need to heal, because I believe perpetrators need to heal from their actions just as their victims do.  What is causing you grief right now?

-Guilt?   You have already confessed and shown remorse.  That is a huge step.  Think about ways you could provide restitution, if not to your victim then to others.  Even your post in the Victim's Corner was a small positive step.  Often, for victims, to hear another offender just say, "I was wrong in what I did and I am so sorry," is healing.  It is so much better than listening to minimizations, denial and victim blaming.

That being said I wouldn't go there too much if you are close to the breaking point.  Victims are dealing with their own pain which doesn't make them the most objective people in the world either.  The Victim's corner is a place for them to vent and their pain may be a bit much for you to handle if you are already feeling really low.  As much as I appreciate your gesture, and what I presume is your attempt to avoid offending again by gaining empathy for the victim,  it is much more important to me that you DO NOT REOFFEND than that you are overcome with guilt.  If depression is something that drives you to temptation, avoid things that make you more depressed.

Loneliness:

<blockquote>My relationships suck, I have no friends anymore because of me being a child sex offender, I am alone all the time to dwell on my past and the life that I had before getting caught. </blockquote>

There is nothing that sends me spiralling down into depression faster than thinking about the life we had before my daughter was molested.  We were a happy, loving family.  Now we are also lonely and often isolated by our grief and my daughter's illness. When I feel like this I also have dark fantasies, but mine are about hurting her molester.  Sometimes these fantasies are sort of general, but sometimes they get quite specific and tempting.   It doesn't help that there are a lot of people who think that we (her family) should have done more to punish him and have offered to help.  A friend who is a policeman said: "I don't know how B (my husband) can restrain himself from killing him.  D (the perp) is lucky it wasn't my daughter because I have a big gun."  Sometimes I need to avoid people who encourage my darker thoughts.  Do I really want to be that person, to become a destroyer, to  give up the moral beliefs I had before this happened?  Would it help my daughter?  No.  At these times I focus on positive things in my life and if I can't do that I read inspirational things ALOUD.  It is hard for me to take pleasure in things I used to enjoy - but I try.

Don't allow the past to interfere with the now.  I have a list of positive statements in a drawer by my bed.  One is "I will not wait to have a good day.  I will make one."  When I am struggling I say that to myself several times when I get up in the morning.  You probably think I'm a loon, what with all this prayer and meditation and talking to myself.  I would have thought the same thing a year ago, but it does help.  To focus on the positive: positive readings, positive talk, positive actions lead to positive thoughts and positive feelings.  Just as negative reading, viewing (child porn), talk and actions lead to negative thoughts and feelings.

You do need to develop other adult friendships.  Avoid friendships with other pedophiles unless they are "recovered" and other friendships that might encourage you to reoffend.  Avoid chatrooms for pedophiles and porn sites.  When my daughter was trying to stop her self-injury she went to support sites for self-injurers.  Although most of the people there wanted to stop she found the discussions very triggering and it just made her want to cut more.    Have you tried organizations like SOHopeful?  There are some churches that run programs for ex-offenders.  Someone here (maybe KK?) made a good point on a previous thread - that he has found many people to be surprisingly forgiving as long as he is honest with them.  This probably won't be the case with former friends as they will feel betrayed but with new friends, as long as you are honest with them from the beginning you may find they are supportive.  People without children are more likely to be willing to give you a chance.  Some offenders have been "adopted" into church communities. There are other community groups and volunteer organizations that might give you a chance as long as you aren't around children and are honest.

A teacher that I worked with was convicted of about 20 counts of molesting young boys.  His was a terrible betrayal of trust and destroyed many lives.  He was a man that I liked and trusted and I wasn't able to be friends with him once I had found out what he did.  However, he did have a couple of friends who stuck by him.  Once he had served his time (only 18 mos. amazingly, but this is Canada) he went to a different community.  He would have been dead if he had returned to the community where he had offended.  There a friend ran interference for him. This man (the offender) enjoyed choirs and his friend talked to members of a church choir, explaining the perp's history, and asked them to give him a chance.  The choir members did and the perp made some new friends (it took awhile for him to prove himself) and took on a lot of volunteer work (not involving children).  As far as I know he has not reoffended and he seems relatively happy.

If you are truly a pedophile (that is you "love" children beyond just your sexual urges) then you should remember that sexual acts perpetrated on children are the acts of child "haters".  Find some positive things that can express your love for children without being around them.  Maybe the most loving thing you can do is avoid children like the plague.

Fear: <blockquote>I am so close to going back into the world that I served so long for comitting, maybe I just miss prison.</blockquote>
This statement tells me that you are afraid that you will fail - that you will not make it. That you are afraid that you will not conquer your demons. Again, I must urge you to act on your honourable motivations. Talk to someone about you feelings. Come back here if you need to. Concentrate on your strengths. One of them is a willingness to admit when you are struggling and to be honest about it. That is a very good thing and can save you.

I am not suggesting for a minute that things are that easy, that doing the right thing and sticking to the straight and narrow will not be tremendously difficult.  It will.  But isn't it worth it?  To live the rest of your life as a worthwhile person and not a worm.  You cannot change the past.  You cannot relive it.  Make a commitment each day to do the right thing.

Thread

136445, JakeLF, Jun 23, 2004 06:40 AM [Its really hard]
      136466, deadmomwalking, Jun 23, 2004 07:29 PM
            136477, myoung, Jun 24, 2004 01:36 AM [it saddens me]
            136528, JakeLF, Jun 25, 2004 04:29 AM [Thanks for the response]
                  136551, myoung, Jun 25, 2004 04:10 PM [Jake]
                  136558, dp1, Jun 25, 2004 11:22 PM [Jake]
      136508, dp1, Jun 24, 2004 01:31 PM
            136688, fallenone, Jun 28, 2004 07:34 PM [Therapy doesn't cut it.]
                  136701, dp1, Jun 29, 2004 02:52 AM [Listen to What you're Saying]
                        136703, steve, Jun 29, 2004 03:17 AM
                              136722, fallenone, Jun 29, 2004 05:10 PM [An unDePendable assessment]
                                    136725, dp1, Jun 29, 2004 06:29 PM [Beautiful]
                                          136728, dp1, Jun 29, 2004 06:49 PM [Friendly Suggestion]
                                                136781, fallenone, Jul 01, 2004 03:21 PM [Get over yourself]
                                          136792, fallenone, Jul 01, 2004 06:27 PM
                                                136854, dp1, Jul 03, 2004 11:17 AM [F1]
                                                      136873, fallenone, Jul 03, 2004 07:45 PM [You're trying too hard]
                                                            136887, dp1, Jul 04, 2004 04:31 AM [F1]
                                                                  137004, fallenone, Jul 06, 2004 11:42 PM [reforming the...]
                                    136739, myoung, Jun 29, 2004 08:41 PM [F1]
                                          136740, steve, Jun 29, 2004 09:16 PM
                                          136742, dp1, Jun 29, 2004 11:49 PM [MYoung]
                                                136747, myoung, Jun 30, 2004 03:53 AM [absolutely dp1]
                                                      136751, dp1, Jun 30, 2004 04:57 AM [MYoung]
                                                            136775, myoung, Jul 01, 2004 12:53 PM [uh huh]
                                          136783, fallenone, Jul 01, 2004 03:54 PM [Et tu, brute?]
      136576, tryingtosurvive, Jun 26, 2004 01:25 PM [Cheer up Mate]
            136581, deadmomwalking, Jun 26, 2004 05:28 PM [JAKE]
                  136620, tryingtosurvive, Jun 27, 2004 01:10 PM [Amen to DMW with some reservations.]
                        136634, dp1, Jun 27, 2004 09:36 PM [TTS]
      136817, nolongerhomocidal, Jul 02, 2004 04:04 AM [what about just talking to your PO]
            136831, dp1, Jul 02, 2004 02:00 PM [NLH]

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Forum: The Other SideThread (Discussion): Struggling

Message 136477 (In Reply to Message 136466)it saddens me

Message 136466

Thread

Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): Struggling

Message 136477 (In Reply to Message 136466)
it saddens me