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Forum: The Other Side
Thread (Discussion): Mounting Frustration - Keep your head up
Message 135979
How much can one man take?
Posted by fallenone
on Jun 13, 2004 07:24 PM | Also by fallenone
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Ohio,
Country: United States |
All my life I have wanted only two things--
1. To be truly loved by someone
2. To find my purpose in life.
Well I've certainly given up on #1. So that leaves #2. I believe my purpose in life involves my dilemma. Now I want to help sex offenders because I believe that humans CAN change. If not than why bother changing I should just accept this label and just destroy as many lives as possible since that is what is expected of me. Judging by my temperment as of late I guess you can tell I am becoming quite disenchanted with this problem. It feels too big and too much for any one person to handle, especially one who suffers as much mental illness as I. Everything is hitting me all at once-- my girlfriend dumped me, I've been taken advantage of by someone claiming to want to be with me (not my ex, a different person), and I've been hit with a barrage of personal problems too numerous to discuss. I've been breaking my own rules by letting the utter hatred and disdain I get for being an SO here at this site get to me as well. This has been the only place I have felt so welcome yet so unwelcome at the same time. I am admittedly buckling under the pressure of the totality of my personal circumstances. Even the strongest of the all fall. Well I suppose some of you people are thinking "oh no now he's gonna go find some 11 year old to play with." Well you're wrong. I'm inclined to believe as the ancient Cathars do-- that sex is evil and that it should strongly discouraged. as for me I am trying to accept my personal destiny. I was born into this world alone, I will never be with anyone in my life and I am destined to die alone. My only reason for not ending my life now is because my enemies rejoice. So I blade to suffice. At least the only person I'm messing up is myself. But I'm not suffering enough to some people. What do you want from me?!? To just crawl up under some rock and die? I can't understand the amount of hatred some of you possess, nor can I understand love. What is love for that matter? How can I understand familial bond? I have only myself. I suppose you can call this my nervous breakdown...........
The Fallen One
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Message 135984 (In Reply to Message 135979)
Remember
Posted by pegasus
on Jun 13, 2004 08:12 PM | Also by pegasus
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Illinois,
Country: United States |
You are not your behavior. You accept responsibility for your behavior but you are not your behavior. Things always do a turn around.
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Message 136004 (In Reply to Message 135979)
F1
Posted by dp1
on Jun 14, 2004 02:16 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Fallen,
I have also noticed a change in your attitude in the last few days. I understand your frustrations and we can discuss that but I have a more serious issue I'd like to address if you don't mind?
I know you mentioned that you are bi-polar and have been for some time. Overall, it appears that you've handled your illness in a responsible manner. However, what is going on now? Are you taking your meds? Need a checkup to adjust your meds? I've worked with many bi-polar folks. I noticed they get pissed at the dumbest thing and fly off the handle then they steadily spiral downward into a depression. I hope this isn't happening to you. Of course it's hard to judge someone by posting on a forum but I felt as if it would be irresponsible on my part if I didn't at least mention this.
Fallen, you are an intelligent person with a kind heart. There's no question in my mind with a more positive attitude you can accomplish your goals. I know you're feeling down on yourself lately, but don't give up. You may think there's a lot of people with hate and maybe you're right. I don't share that view. Maybe because I don't associate with hateful people.
I also want to tell you that I understand your anger towards me lately. I realize it's not quite that personal and you're just venting and that's a good thing. You also view me as taking the victim's side which in your mind means I am against SO's. That is completely untrue. I support the laws because I feel they are right and it's part of my profession. I spend my days working with SO's teaching them the rules of probation and how to manage their lives within the rules. I go out of my way to warn them of questionable behavior which may lead to a VOP because I care. I can easily spend less time guiding them and more time just locking them up. But that isn't my nature. You see Fallen, what you may viewed as hate is really the opposite. It's all a matter of perspective.
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Message 136011 (In Reply to Message 135979)
F1
Posted by dp1
on Jun 14, 2004 04:46 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I’d like to share a real life story that might help me communicate some ideas.
I’ve known a sex offender for two years. He’s on probation for molesting his 15-year-old daughter. He has a long history with depression. Years ago while in the Air Force he attempted suicide and was retired medically as a result. He gets a pension from both the VA and social security and never worked since his retirement. After his first divorce he attempted suicide the second time. He blew himself up with explosives and ended up in the hospital with 90% of his body covered with burns. After 7 months and countless skin grafts he was released. His entire body looks melted. He had more plastic surgery than Michael Jackson and is still missing fingers, an ear and portions of his body all over.
After doing well in therapy for a year, he announced to me last year that he was going to quit his meds to see how he does. I insisted he get a part time job or go back to school because his recluse lifestyle was not enough without his meds to keep him normalized (happy) in my opinion. He agreed although he was afraid of rejection. He came up with the idea of volunteer work to avoid rejection and keep me off his back. He quit a couple months ago with no explanation.
I suspected he was slipping and began checking on him often. I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what the problem was but something wasn’t right. Two weeks ago I went to his home and confronted him. He finally broke down and admitted he was depressed. He felt useless not having a job, but was too afraid to job search because of rejection due to his SO status. We discussed jobs, schools and other options. After several hours we finally agreed he had to do something. I asked him to think about it and call me in the morning to let me know where he’d be job hunting. He called me the next day with more excuses. By this time I’m totally fed up with his procrastination and told him to go to the VA Voc Rehab. I know he was scared to go but he knew by the tone of my voice that he’d better go. He went and called me later.
He said he couldn’t believe how nice the voc rehab counselor was. She gave him all kinds of information for disabled vets. She said that his SO status did not disqualify him from any of the programs and he’d also be able to get hired on at the VA hospital as a disabled vet even with a conviction at $15 per hour in an entry-level position. He went on and on about how they pay vets to go to school, help with starting your own business, blah blah blah. Of course he thanked me for finally pushing him to go but do you know what the best part was? He laughed. I haven’t heard him laugh in months.
It amazes me how a person’s fears can control their lives. His perception of the world was that it was filled with people that hate SO’s and wouldn’t lift a finger to help them. His fear of his SO status was more intense than his fear of facing the world with 90% of his body melted. He could have gone to the VA voc rehab for help 2 years ago when I told him about it. He procrastinated for the wrong reasons. I know he realizes now that there is people that want to help. You just need to be strong enough to ask.
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Message 136016 (In Reply to Message 135979)
fallenone - hold on to the good
Posted by deadmomwalking
on Jun 14, 2004 09:30 AM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
Fallenone,
I am sorry to hear you are struggling so much right now. It sounds as if you are getting into an emotional and negative mindset that is pulling you down - just as my daughter does. There is a manual for abuse victims that describes how this works. We think: "Shit happens - I feel rotten." In fact what is happening is this: "Shit happens - I think about it in repetitive, self-defeating ways - I feel rotten." Most of the time we can't do anything about the shit that happens but we can control how we think, and thus whether we feel rotten or not.
You mention that you are becoming disenchanted with this problem - I assume you mean the problem of helping SO's reintegrate into society and you are right - this is a very BIG problem and it will not be solved by you alone. You have some good ideas however you need to take on manageable pieces. Don't doom yourself to failure and then beat yourself up because you are taking on too much. Small steps and one step at a time. Right now you need to take care of yourself, try to stop cutting - this only makes you feel crappier about yourself, spend some time with positive people. You mention religious beliefs; I assume you have church friends/ acquaintances. If you are a Christian, this is a time for more prayer and meditation. You can always dump your problems, your heartbreak on God. I have found it very difficult at times to find the words to pray as I'm not used to it. So what I have done and found helpful is to say aloud prayers written by other people or to read the Psalms aloud. I use the Anglican Church website which has daily morning and evening prayers but that might not appeal to you being American. I find the rituals calming and it sometimes it centres me enough so that I can get my emotions and thoughts into words.
You ask "What is love." Love has to start with you. You were created perfect - in God's image and underneath all the layers of mistakes, hurt and self deception there is still somewhere that core that wants to be good - to reach for goodness. You have to build up confidence and self-love. When you don't love yourself and depend on other people for love and acceptance you will always be disappointed because there is no one that can give you what you need (except perhaps God, but even s/he has to depend on you helping yourself). What I see in your post is a lot of despair because of how you feel you are being treated and how you believe people perceive you. I admit I haven't been following the posts that much lately but I hadn't noticed people slinging arrows at you in particular. As the mother of a victim, I have quite a lot of respect for your efforts to rebuild your life and help others.
DP has a good point about you cycling down if you are bi-polar. Get some help before things go farther down. Another possibility is that you have aspects of Borderline Personality Disorder - if you haven't heard of this I can email you some info and some exercises that might be helpful in combatting the negative thinking.
Take care. God bless.
Here is a Psalm for a troubled heart from "Opening to You: Zen-Inspired Translations of the Psalms". I was reading this tonight and thought of you.
Psalm 25
Now as I sing
I lift up my soul to you
I open my heart's trust
Do not let me be ashamed
Do not let it close
I know that no one who trusts
Will ever be ashamed
Let them be ashamed
Who uselessly deceive
Because they are deceived
Show me your ways
Teach me your paths
Lead me in your truthfulness
Teach me
For in you I am whole
And on you do I wait
All the day every day
Remember your tender mercies
Remember your encompassing kindness
Which is everlasting
But forget my youthful mistakes
Forget all the harm that I have done
According to your kindess
Hold me in your memory
For the sake of all that is good in me
For you are goodness and uprightness
You point out the way of wholeness
Guide the still soul on paths of justice
You teach us your pattern
All your paths are kindness and truth
For those who love you and hold you in mind
For the sake of your name
Forgive my confusion although it is great
Who feels awe at what is?
To those will you point out
The paths that they should choose
And their souls will abide in a happiness
Larger than their lives
Your secrets are for those awash in that awe
Your life will become known to them
My eyes always look on you
You draw my foot out of the snare
Turn toward me and be gracious
For I am alone and afflicted
My heart's burdens are heavy
O bring me out of the afflictions!
Look at my misery and my trouble
Lift the weight of my conduct from me
Defeat my many demons
Pacify the violence within me
Guard me and save me
Don't let me be ashamed
I put all my trust in you
Let integrity and uprightness guard me
Because I look only to you
Redeem me and those who struggle on the journey
From our pitiful distress.
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Message 136031 (In Reply to Message 135979)
6/14--reply to all
Posted by fallenone
on Jun 14, 2004 06:03 PM | Also by fallenone
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Ohio,
Country: United States |
I wanted to thank everyone who has responded to my post and offered some kind words. Sometimes I feel as if we all forget that there are people onr the other side of the screen that are subject to fallibility and emotions. Well at lesat I'm guilty of that feeling. It is hard to reach out to others fora variety of reasons most of which are lifelong problems. I only gave a glimse in to what has changed me into the Fallen One, but most has to do with fear of rejection. My ex was my first girlfriend in 5 years and i didn't expect it to hit me this hard but it has. Aside from searching for my significant other I am a loner by nature. I've had to do everything alone all my life and that has a lot to do with it too. Between work, SOFIA, here, and school I stay busy hoping to keep myself from dwelling on this. To me nothing else matters when I feel alone and unloved. After all it was that same feelings which made me the Fallen One in the first place. I guess some of the things spoken here from time to time reinforce my belief that I will never be loved and that it is my destiny tolive and die alone. I've been working on that but I have a long ways to go. Yes I suffer from both bipolar AND Borderline Personality Disorder and I'm on 2000 mgs of Depakote but I keep forgetting to take my meds. I'm a bit TOO busy especially since two guys in my department quit so I'm working 10 hours or more a day. I'm off tomorrow but I have class, so I guess I'll have to check on that Friday. I know I'll get over it but it will take some time. I'll likely limit my time here for a while.
F1
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Message 136366 (In Reply to Message 135979)
Keep your head up
Posted by wifey
on Jun 21, 2004 05:49 PM | Also by wifey
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I just want to let you know that you are not alone. My ex-husband was bi-polar, so I understand a lot of what you go through.
I think the feeling of being so low is so overhwhelming that it is hard to remember that there is anything else but that feeling, that there will be a tomorrow and that you will feel differently tomorrow. It is so hard to remember that when one feels so low...There are many who suffer as you do and want also to move on.
You do have the power to change yourself and your life. It is so important for you to remember to take your meds! It is good that you are keeping busy doing productive things. That will help you to not focus so much on how you feel.
I just wanted to offer some words of encouragement and hope. You are loveable. Keep your head up - you are a person with dignity, no matter what others may think (or what you think they think) of you.
Regards,
wifey
SOhopeful.org
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Thread
135979, fallenone, Jun 13, 2004 07:24 PM [How much can one man take?]
135984, pegasus, Jun 13, 2004 08:12 PM [Remember]
136004, dp1, Jun 14, 2004 02:16 AM [F1]
136011, dp1, Jun 14, 2004 04:46 AM [F1]
136016, deadmomwalking, Jun 14, 2004 09:30 AM [fallenone - hold on to the good]
136017, Rejected
136031, fallenone, Jun 14, 2004 06:03 PM [6/14--reply to all]
136366, wifey, Jun 21, 2004 05:49 PM [Keep your head up]
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