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Forum: The Other Side
Thread (Discussion): Fallen Hope - Brave words well spoken
Message 135628
Part 1
Posted by fallenone
on Jun 07, 2004 06:53 PM | Also by fallenone
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Ohio,
Country: United States |
Well this is it and it has been a long time in coming. Here I will open up by giving at least part of my personal story. I will explain how I bacame a sex offender here and later I will discuss what I have endured and learned since my conviction.
First I have to give a brief summary of my life. I lived in Alabama since age 6. I was a year ahead in school with an IQ in the 130s, yet was held back from going further than one year ahead. I was abandoned in a hotel room at age 14, was in many different places during my teenage years. I have been diagnosed with Major Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder, have hasd multiple suicide attempts, and have been known to willingly cut on by body with razor blades. In spite of all this somehow I earned a college scholarship and now have a BS in Justice Studies.
Sexual experiences-- I was introduced to sex very young (8 or 9)by a girl younger than me. Every now and then some male kids tried to make me play sexually with them and an adult did once, so I guess my extreme disdain for homosexual activity comes from that. My mother's friends also had porno, but I never cared much for that. I lost my virginity to my brother's wife at 15, but didn't have sex again until I got married at 19 to a 17 year old. i guess my divorce bothered me more than I thought it would. But then again I've always felt like I had to have someone in my life to feel loved. As long as someone said I love you that's what mattered to me. Unfortunately women I were with after my divorce said that to use me, and thus my depression got worse. it was quite a dilemma since I was too shy to ask a girl out on a date-- if they didn't ask me I wouldn't even come up to them and ask them out.
Well that's the background now we get into the main issue, the actual crime. (for the sake of brevity I shall rename my victim Rose).
I knew Rose most for her life, roughly half mine. She is a distant relative of my brother's wife. Rose is roughly 10 years younger than I am. I dated Rose's mother who was 7 years OLDER than me but she died of a drug overdose. So here I am depressed and searching for love and Rose reveals to me that she has a crush on me. I didn't care much when she told me because I didn't take her seriously at first. I was naive enough to think nothing would happen even listening to her. She wrote me a couple of "love letters" ion the typical juvenile sense, so in my stupidity I asked her what could she possibly be thinking by wanting to be my girlfriend. So she sent me another note expressing in greater detail what she would like to do with me. I flirted with the idea of giving into her proposal but at least she said only if we married so it didn't go to that (if it did you'd never had heard of me). We were never alone until one night and when we were alone we started kissing but then someone came back and we were no longer alone that night. It never happened again after that incident, but I limited any time around Rose after that.
a few months later I was arrested. Rose had told the police I had sex with her. I admitted to the kissing incident and pled guilty to a sexual abuse charge. she was 11 at the time.
Now why did I do it? Lapse of judgment? Perhaps. In all honesty I cannot give you all a satisfactory reason as to why I gave in for this kiss. the only thing I can figure out is this-- based on my belief system at the time in which I needed so bad for someone to say I love you that anyone saying that captured my heart. Even one too young to consent to do so. My family helped reinforce that view since my mother was hooking me up with her drinking buddies while I was still having sexual relations with my brother's wife. This does not excuse doing the unthinkable but it is merely the rationale behind why I did what I did.
I hope this gives some insight to those seeking some kind of answers. Later I will discuss only what I know and that is my story-- how this ordeal has made me into who I am today
The Fallen One
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Message 135634 (In Reply to Message 135628)
Posted by brennus
on Jun 07, 2004 11:07 PM | Also by brennus
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Wisconsin,
Country: United States |
The only difference between bad choices which i have made and bad choices which you have made are the consequences. Not all bad choices are of an sexual nature, or will land one on the SO registry, but all bad choices result in negative personal consequences. Much of the stuff I'm going through (except being laid off) is a result of bad choices I made in my personal life. Only the consequences are different.
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Message 135638 (In Reply to Message 135628)
Posted by dp1
on Jun 08, 2004 02:11 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Can you tell us more about the sentencing? What charge(s) were you convicted on and what was your sentence?
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Message 135672 (In Reply to Message 135638)
slight clarification
Posted by fallenone
on Jun 08, 2004 06:37 PM | Also by fallenone
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Ohio,
Country: United States |
The actual charge in Alabama statute was first Degree Sexual Abuse (had she been a year older it would have been second degree, a misdemeanor but still Megan's Law offense). I had one count for the incident, thus subject for anywhere from 1-10 years. I got a 6 year sentence, but I was eligible for good time 40 for 30, thus I did 37 months in prison. I did not parole but did 100% of the sentence. And as I noted earlier, my total bill is $2100. But the courts did not honor the conditions of the plea bargain, which was to send me to a specific facility close to home, but I digress.
The Fallen One
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Message 135683 (In Reply to Message 135672)
Why not?
Posted by Silverthorne
on Jun 08, 2004 08:03 PM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
"But the courts did not honor the conditions of the plea bargain, which was to send me to a specific facility close to home, but I digress. "
Why did they fail to do this? Was there any consequence for them? I mean if you fail to live up to your agreement with probation there sure is a consequence.
Silverthorne
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Message 135688 (In Reply to Message 135683)
Posted by fallenone
on Jun 08, 2004 09:04 PM | Also by fallenone
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Ohio,
Country: United States |
the reason why I have not pursued that matter any further is because during the two years within the statute of limitations (only 2 years) for such litigation for the actions of the court, I was at the mercy of the ADOC. let's just say that people have a way of "getting lost" in the system. Being a "writ writer" in prison is like being white and flashing money in the hood, you're asking for trouble. Need i say more?
The Fallen One
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Message 135689 (In Reply to Message 135628)
Fallen Hope Part Deux
Posted by fallenone
on Jun 08, 2004 09:44 PM | Also by fallenone
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Ohio,
Country: United States |
Now I will briefly summarize my incarceration experience and the events which bring me to today. I went to jail in February 2000 and did a year in the county jail before my conviction. I was placved in a 6x10 foot cell with no bunks but at least two other people. So we slept side by side on the floor. I received little exercise since I could not go out to population for obvious reasons, but I had to go there for showers. I only got into one fight in jail but it had nothing to do with my case. Ironically enough, I also shared a cell with a relative of Rose for about a month. I became extremely claustrophibic in those cramped quarters and I bladed multiple times. I now have no less than 30 self-inflicted scars on my arms and legs from the razors I used (I took apart single bladed Bic razors since they were the largest). After a year of this mess I just wanted to get out of that cell and I knew i was guilty anyways so I finally pled out to 6 years. (I have stated in another post regarding my violated rights at trial so I don't care to get into it here since that's another issue)
The plea agreement was that I was to go to Hamilton A&I, but instead I ended up in Bullock County Correctional Facility. But BCCF ended up being the better place for me. It was there i got connected to Sex Offenders Anonymous and the Church. I was never a Christian before but i guess it takes things like this to open one's eyes and be more open. Between the two places I kept myself busy trying to come to terms with all that had happened and accepted my guilt and made the plans to change my ways. I knew there was still a much harder road for me once i was released, so I had to be much stronger than I ever had been.
Looking for a place to go to upon release was one of the most daunting tasks I had ever faced. I had written over 60 halfway houses, churches, etc., to no avail. I was faced with the possibility of being sent to the county of my conviction to the county jail since Alabama law states you must give a residence to be released. Finally 6 days before i was released I was approved to go to a church in Cincinnati. I got out April 2003, and stayed at this quasi-monastic church home. I lasted 10 months there before I finally got kicked out for arguing. So in January, I was out on the street. I was given $300 to start out on. I went to a hotel for a week, then went to the City Gospel Mission and stayed about 3 months. I was booted out for fighting (woe to the one who threatens me with a pocketknife) and that is when I got set up in a hotel for 6 weeks in April. Three weeks ago that time expired and I slept a night on the street then a church friend let me stay with him. So I finally found a job after 7 months and now i am staying in a sleeping room and slowly getting my life in order.
Thus I have summarized my life for the past 5 years or so. Now i will say how MY life has changed. First off I express my emotions more freely and speak my mind. i am not as timid as i was before. Now i can actually ask a lady out on a date. I have learned to be accountable for my actions. I tell people what I do wrong or right, not holding back. I'm guilty of being TOO up front at times but I don't apologize for my boldness. My philosophy is when I break weak even for a moment all hell breaks loose. After all I DO live in the hood. I also know i can no longer compromise my principles like I did 5 years ago. As an RSO I stand as an example for others albeit a bad one for the most part. I know my actions no longer affect just me but it affects all RSOs.
In regards to Rose-- I don't know ANYTHING about her state of mind, her family, etc. I have made no contact with my family since my conviction. But it is better this way sice my family had acted as an enabler for a sexual addiction. I could never go back to that environment, because I could not survive it unscathed.
But the most important thing I've learned was how to accept all I've endured. The Bible has taught me that while I may be forgiven for my transgressions, I must also accept the consequences of my actions. Also, I must strive to achieve righteousness, which means I must fight for it. I certainly feel better with each victory but I know the war is not over, but each battle won makes the next victory easier to attain. I still struggle with issues at times, I still fight the urge to blade or to lash out at others, and I still like to see these women out here in their revealing outfits, but I find other ways to overcome the inner demons. they will always be there but I cannot let them control my life ever again
I am free to answer any questions, hate mail etc, that's what I'm here for
The Fallen One
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Message 135707 (In Reply to Message 135672)
F1
Posted by dp1
on Jun 09, 2004 03:06 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
You mentioned you kissed her and that was it.
In your next post you mentioned you were charged with sexual Abuse.
Can you clarify the conflict?
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Message 135770 (In Reply to Message 135707)
Posted by fallenone
on Jun 09, 2004 06:00 PM | Also by fallenone
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Ohio,
Country: United States |
What's the conflict? Sexual abuse as defined by Alabama law is ANY contact sexual in nature. Given the context of my story I thought you would understand the kiss was one you would give your lover not your child. Clear enough for you?
The Fllen One
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Message 135854 (In Reply to Message 135689)
Side effects
Posted by fallenone
on Jun 10, 2004 07:29 PM | Also by fallenone
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Ohio,
Country: United States |
I forgot to mention one thing. I've noticed only recently one or two side effects of my ordeal. i cannot tolerate being crowded for one. I don't like sitting between two people, or between a person and a wall. Nor can I stand being around kids. They annoy me now. I now only date people who either have no kids nor have kids living with them. In my earlier posts I alluded to this because my ex-girlfriend had three kids. Of course it is no dilemma now since she dumped me. Oh well.
The Fallen One
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Message 135866 (In Reply to Message 135854)
Fallen...
Posted by scarlett
on Jun 11, 2004 02:47 AM | Also by scarlett
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
I too have difficulty being anywhere near a male child or teenager. If I am walking down the street and I see one coming I avoid them like the plague. Won't even look at them for fear someone might think I was LOOKING at them. Quite honestly I am scared of them. Thank God I have all girls!
Strange how you feel that way isn't it? I know I shouldn't feel that way but every time I see one all I can think about is how much trouble they can get you in.
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Message 135887 (In Reply to Message 135770)
Crystal
Posted by dp1
on Jun 11, 2004 05:39 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Is this the Alabama law in question?
Section 13A-6-66
Sexual abuse in the first degree.
(a) A person commits the crime of sexual abuse in the first degree if:
(1) He subjects another person to sexual contact by forcible compulsion; or
(2) He subjects another person to sexual contact who is incapable of consent by reason of being physically helpless or mentally incapacitated; or
(3) He, being 16 years old or older, subjects another person to sexual contact who is less than 12 years old.
(b) Sexual abuse in the first degree is a Class C felony.
(Acts 1977, No. 607, p. 812, §2320.)
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Message 135899 (In Reply to Message 135887)
Are you catching up yet DP?
Posted by fallenone
on Jun 11, 2004 05:59 PM | Also by fallenone
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Ohio,
Country: United States |
Yes, and I would fit under #3 in that statute. Of course if you've read the footnotes that accompany the statutes in the Code of Alabama it states that under certain conditions a man can receive a sexual abuse charge for striking an adult's breast in public. That adds to a sense of vagueness to the law. (And i was in prison with a guy there for doing just that) But I digress. In Ohio it would have been called gross sexual imposition. Whatever. It was still wrong to kiss her right?
F1
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Message 135900 (In Reply to Message 135866)
Lady Scarlett
Posted by fallenone
on Jun 11, 2004 06:04 PM | Also by fallenone
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Ohio,
Country: United States |
I feel that way too. Living in the hood is difficult for me because the ghetto girls are more provacatively dressed and are more expressive than the rural girls. You can say sexual innuendo toward them without fear of sexual harrassment charges if that's what you like. They like the attention, and frankly i was shocked the first few times I heard people's comments as well as favorable reactions. This is one of those microcultural differences I bring up so much.
Scarlett, out of all the people here I think you understand me the most and can relate to me the most.
F1
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Message 135928 (In Reply to Message 135899)
F1
Posted by dp1
on Jun 12, 2004 01:52 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
You asked in the Title of your post if I was Catching up? It's not a matter of catching up or not, I'm simply clarifying for others. Isn't this forum for other SO's and victim's to talk about the behavior?
Is there a specific role you feel as though I should play in this forum? I have purposely taken a low profile out of respect for the SO's. I don't feel as though the presence of LE should be felt as much as in the other forums. Let's be honest, not all SO's would appreciate comments from PO's.
Why don't more SO's jump in? Invite a victim or two? I'd rather stay low and work on not discouraging you guys to post. Does that make sense?
Tell me your thoughts.
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Message 135930 (In Reply to Message 135854)
Posted by orolan
on Jun 12, 2004 03:02 PM | Also by orolan
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
i cannot tolerate being crowded for one. I don't like sitting between two people, or between a person and a wall
We call this a "Mafia instinct". I hate having someone walk close behind me. I hate crowds. I hate being in a room with my back to the door, and when I go to a restaurant I have to sit where I can see the entrance. I prefer booths rather than open tables.
Nor can I stand being around kids.
I love kids. They make the sun shine. I enjoy being around them, talking to them, watching them. Two things I don't do. I'm never alone with them. Ever. And I NEVER touch them. This actually has come up with my best friend and his kids. One of them commented to her stepmother that I "must think she has cooties", because whenever she got close to me or walked past me I visibly moved further away (kids are very perceptive).
I certainly don't advocate you change your views on kids. Heck, there are plenty of people in the world who can't stand kids who aren't sex offenders. Sadly, some of them actually HAVE kids:-( If they bug you, stay away from them.
I do exercise extreme caution in public, and I keep my thoughts to myself. Before my offense I would think nothing of commenting to a parent that their baby was cute, their little boy looked like he would be a good football player, their daughter was quite pretty, etc. Now I keep my mouth shut and don't even acknowledge that there is a child. There is no telling who else is around that recognizes me and will stir up a hornet's nest if they see me discussing a child with a parent.
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Message 135933 (In Reply to Message 135866)
Scarlett
Posted by orolan
on Jun 12, 2004 03:06 PM | Also by orolan
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
every time I see one all I can think about is how much trouble they can get you in.
Sadly, they are far less likely to get you into some sort of trouble than some busybody who recognizes you. The neighbor across the street who is dialing 911 while you stand on your front porch telling the teenage boy from down the street "no, I don't need my yard mowed", etc.
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Message 135936 (In Reply to Message 135930)
Innocence?
Posted by fallenone
on Jun 12, 2004 04:26 PM | Also by fallenone
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Ohio,
Country: United States |
We've never seen past the concept that children are so innocent and so fragile that we cannot contemplate there are Lolitas out there. not to excuse my indiscretion of course but there are young people out there willing to have sexual relations with older people. One of my girlfriends I had as a young teenager lost her virginity at age 11 to a 28 year old and was very promiscuous. Does that make it right? Of course not! But I merely say we see certain things through rose-colored glasses. I wish I had saved the letters "Rose" had wrote me to verify what I had said in my testimony. As someone who USED to be shy, at that time I'd never say the things she said to me unless I was married to the person.
But that is why I take the stand I do. Younger children just annoy me, but young teens I avoid like the plague. the irony is Excpt for Rose the youngest person I've ever date was my exwife. I usually date people in their 30s and 40s because even "college kids" I find to be immature. My story was bare bones and I didn't get into details about other aspects of my life, but I hope you can tell by my testimony I didn't have the best of upbringing. I've always lived in the worst of circumstances and it has shaped my view to make me the fallen one I am today
F1
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Message 137206 (In Reply to Message 135936)
Brave words well spoken
Posted by tryingtosurvive
on Jul 10, 2004 02:28 PM | Also by tryingtosurvive
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: Australia |
I have posted here before that, whilst the material I read is doubtless written by real people with real lives, I must regard them as ephemeral. Often the words seem disconected and mulled over to the point that the correspondent just seems like some sort of spook.
I could hear a voice behind the text of what you wrote.
I just saw a video of two rapists in Groszny being machine gun executed in full acordance with the law as it stands in that place. The executioners were members of the "rape victims" family.
In Islamic countries any sexual congress must take place in the strictest of circumstances. The reality diverges from this ideal. If sex occurs and there is no marriage it is rape pure and simple and Kalashnikov's Law is right for these people in that they only know brutality. Ideas of fairness and compassion - of drilling down into a circumstance and seeing it with the wisdom of Solomon and the magnanimity of a Christ does not occur to them. It is the heat and blood of the moment or the cynical sanctimonious "I will keep the boogieman away if you vote me in" lack of proffessionalism of your own politicians. Mob Rule.
It sounds like you have suffered far more than is your due and I hope your life keeps getting better on track.
Kind Regards
TTS
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Thread
135628, fallenone, Jun 07, 2004 06:53 PM [Part 1]
135634, brennus, Jun 07, 2004 11:07 PM
135638, dp1, Jun 08, 2004 02:11 AM
135672, fallenone, Jun 08, 2004 06:37 PM [slight clarification]
135683, Silverthorne, Jun 08, 2004 08:03 PM [Why not?]
135688, fallenone, Jun 08, 2004 09:04 PM
135707, dp1, Jun 09, 2004 03:06 AM [F1]
135770, fallenone, Jun 09, 2004 06:00 PM
135887, dp1, Jun 11, 2004 05:39 AM [Crystal]
135899, fallenone, Jun 11, 2004 05:59 PM [Are you catching up yet DP?]
135928, dp1, Jun 12, 2004 01:52 PM [F1]
135689, fallenone, Jun 08, 2004 09:44 PM [Fallen Hope Part Deux]
135854, fallenone, Jun 10, 2004 07:29 PM [Side effects]
135866, scarlett, Jun 11, 2004 02:47 AM [Fallen...]
135900, fallenone, Jun 11, 2004 06:04 PM [Lady Scarlett]
135933, orolan, Jun 12, 2004 03:06 PM [Scarlett]
135930, orolan, Jun 12, 2004 03:02 PM
135936, fallenone, Jun 12, 2004 04:26 PM [Innocence?]
137206, tryingtosurvive, Jul 10, 2004 02:28 PM [Brave words well spoken]
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