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Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): Fallen Hope

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Message 135854 (In Reply to Message 135689)
Side effects

Posted by fallenone on Jun 10, 2004 07:29 PM | Also by fallenone

Gender: N/A, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Ohio, Country: United States

I forgot to mention one thing. I've noticed only recently one or two side effects of my ordeal. i cannot tolerate being crowded for one. I don't like sitting between two people, or between a person and a wall. Nor can I stand being around kids. They annoy me now. I now only date people who either have no kids nor have kids living with them. In my earlier posts I alluded to this because my ex-girlfriend had three kids. Of course it is no dilemma now since she dumped me. Oh well.

The Fallen One

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Message 135689
Fallen Hope Part Deux

Posted by fallenone on Jun 08, 2004 09:44 PM | Also by fallenone

Gender: N/A, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Ohio, Country: United States

Now I will briefly summarize my incarceration experience and the events which bring me to today. I went to jail in February 2000 and did a year in the county jail before my conviction. I was placved in a 6x10 foot cell with no bunks but at least two other people. So we slept side by side on the floor. I received little exercise since I could not go out to population for obvious reasons, but I had to go there for showers. I only got into one fight in jail but it had nothing to do with my case. Ironically enough, I also shared a cell with a relative of Rose for about a month. I became extremely claustrophibic in those cramped quarters and I bladed multiple times. I now have no less than 30 self-inflicted scars on my arms and legs from the razors I used (I took apart single bladed Bic razors since they were the largest). After a year of this mess I just wanted to get out of that cell and I knew i was guilty anyways so I finally pled out to 6 years. (I have stated in another post regarding my violated rights at trial so I don't care to get into it here since that's another issue)

The plea agreement was that I was to go to Hamilton A&I, but instead I ended up in Bullock County Correctional Facility. But BCCF ended up being the better place for me. It was there i got connected to Sex Offenders Anonymous and the Church. I was never a Christian before but i guess it takes things like this to open one's eyes and be more open. Between the two places I kept myself busy trying to come to terms with all that had happened and accepted my guilt and made the plans to change my ways. I knew there was still a much harder road for me once i was released, so I had to be much stronger than I ever had been.

Looking for a place to go to upon release was one of the most daunting tasks I had ever faced. I had written over 60 halfway houses, churches, etc., to no avail. I was faced with the possibility of being sent to the county of my conviction to the county jail since Alabama law states you must give a residence to be released. Finally 6 days before i was released I was approved to go to a church in Cincinnati. I got out April 2003, and stayed at this quasi-monastic church home. I lasted 10 months there before I finally got kicked out for arguing. So in January, I was out on the street. I was given $300 to start out on. I went to a hotel for a week, then went to the City Gospel Mission and stayed about 3 months. I was booted out for fighting (woe to the one who threatens me with a pocketknife) and that is when I got set up in a hotel for 6 weeks in April. Three weeks ago that time expired and I slept a night on the street then a church friend let me stay with him. So I finally found a job after 7 months and now i am staying in a sleeping room and slowly getting my life in order.

Thus I have summarized my life for the past 5 years or so. Now i will say how MY life has changed. First off I express my emotions more freely and speak my mind. i am not as timid as i was before. Now i can actually ask a lady out on a date. I have learned to be accountable for my actions. I tell people what I do wrong or right, not holding back. I'm guilty of being TOO up front at times but I don't apologize for my boldness. My philosophy is when I break weak even for a moment all hell breaks loose. After all I DO live in the hood. I also know i can no longer compromise my principles like I did 5 years ago. As an RSO I stand as an example for others albeit a bad one for the most part. I know my actions no longer affect just me but it affects all RSOs.

In regards to Rose-- I don't know ANYTHING about her state of mind, her family, etc. I have made no contact with my family since my conviction. But it is better this way sice my family had acted as an enabler for a sexual addiction. I could never go back to that environment, because I could not survive it unscathed.

But the most important thing I've learned was how to accept all I've endured. The Bible has taught me that while I may be forgiven for my transgressions, I must also accept the consequences of my actions. Also, I must strive to achieve righteousness, which means I must fight for it. I certainly feel better with each victory but I know the war is not over, but each battle won makes the next victory easier to attain. I still struggle with issues at times, I still fight the urge to blade or to lash out at others, and I still like to see these women out here in their revealing outfits, but I find other ways to overcome the inner demons. they will always be there but I cannot let them control my life ever again

I am free to answer any questions, hate mail etc, that's what I'm here for

The Fallen One

Thread

135628, fallenone, Jun 07, 2004 06:53 PM [Part 1]
      135634, brennus, Jun 07, 2004 11:07 PM
      135638, dp1, Jun 08, 2004 02:11 AM
            135672, fallenone, Jun 08, 2004 06:37 PM [slight clarification]
                  135683, Silverthorne, Jun 08, 2004 08:03 PM [Why not?]
                        135688, fallenone, Jun 08, 2004 09:04 PM
                  135707, dp1, Jun 09, 2004 03:06 AM [F1]
                        135770, fallenone, Jun 09, 2004 06:00 PM
                              135887, dp1, Jun 11, 2004 05:39 AM [Crystal]
                                    135899, fallenone, Jun 11, 2004 05:59 PM [Are you catching up yet DP?]
                                          135928, dp1, Jun 12, 2004 01:52 PM [F1]
      135689, fallenone, Jun 08, 2004 09:44 PM [Fallen Hope Part Deux]
            135854, fallenone, Jun 10, 2004 07:29 PM [Side effects]
                  135866, scarlett, Jun 11, 2004 02:47 AM [Fallen...]
                        135900, fallenone, Jun 11, 2004 06:04 PM [Lady Scarlett]
                        135933, orolan, Jun 12, 2004 03:06 PM [Scarlett]
                  135930, orolan, Jun 12, 2004 03:02 PM
                        135936, fallenone, Jun 12, 2004 04:26 PM [Innocence?]
                              137206, tryingtosurvive, Jul 10, 2004 02:28 PM [Brave words well spoken]

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Sex Offender Registries, Sex Offenders Search, News, Info and Discussion

Forum: The Other SideThread (Discussion): Fallen Hope

Message 135854 (In Reply to Message 135689)Side effects

Message 135689Fallen Hope Part Deux

Thread

Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): Fallen Hope

Message 135854 (In Reply to Message 135689)
Side effects

Message 135689
Fallen Hope Part Deux