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Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): Fallen Hope

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Message 135689 (In Reply to Message 135628)
Fallen Hope Part Deux

Posted by fallenone on Jun 08, 2004 09:44 PM | Also by fallenone

Gender: N/A, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Ohio, Country: United States

Now I will briefly summarize my incarceration experience and the events which bring me to today. I went to jail in February 2000 and did a year in the county jail before my conviction. I was placved in a 6x10 foot cell with no bunks but at least two other people. So we slept side by side on the floor. I received little exercise since I could not go out to population for obvious reasons, but I had to go there for showers. I only got into one fight in jail but it had nothing to do with my case. Ironically enough, I also shared a cell with a relative of Rose for about a month. I became extremely claustrophibic in those cramped quarters and I bladed multiple times. I now have no less than 30 self-inflicted scars on my arms and legs from the razors I used (I took apart single bladed Bic razors since they were the largest). After a year of this mess I just wanted to get out of that cell and I knew i was guilty anyways so I finally pled out to 6 years. (I have stated in another post regarding my violated rights at trial so I don't care to get into it here since that's another issue)

The plea agreement was that I was to go to Hamilton A&I, but instead I ended up in Bullock County Correctional Facility. But BCCF ended up being the better place for me. It was there i got connected to Sex Offenders Anonymous and the Church. I was never a Christian before but i guess it takes things like this to open one's eyes and be more open. Between the two places I kept myself busy trying to come to terms with all that had happened and accepted my guilt and made the plans to change my ways. I knew there was still a much harder road for me once i was released, so I had to be much stronger than I ever had been.

Looking for a place to go to upon release was one of the most daunting tasks I had ever faced. I had written over 60 halfway houses, churches, etc., to no avail. I was faced with the possibility of being sent to the county of my conviction to the county jail since Alabama law states you must give a residence to be released. Finally 6 days before i was released I was approved to go to a church in Cincinnati. I got out April 2003, and stayed at this quasi-monastic church home. I lasted 10 months there before I finally got kicked out for arguing. So in January, I was out on the street. I was given $300 to start out on. I went to a hotel for a week, then went to the City Gospel Mission and stayed about 3 months. I was booted out for fighting (woe to the one who threatens me with a pocketknife) and that is when I got set up in a hotel for 6 weeks in April. Three weeks ago that time expired and I slept a night on the street then a church friend let me stay with him. So I finally found a job after 7 months and now i am staying in a sleeping room and slowly getting my life in order.

Thus I have summarized my life for the past 5 years or so. Now i will say how MY life has changed. First off I express my emotions more freely and speak my mind. i am not as timid as i was before. Now i can actually ask a lady out on a date. I have learned to be accountable for my actions. I tell people what I do wrong or right, not holding back. I'm guilty of being TOO up front at times but I don't apologize for my boldness. My philosophy is when I break weak even for a moment all hell breaks loose. After all I DO live in the hood. I also know i can no longer compromise my principles like I did 5 years ago. As an RSO I stand as an example for others albeit a bad one for the most part. I know my actions no longer affect just me but it affects all RSOs.

In regards to Rose-- I don't know ANYTHING about her state of mind, her family, etc. I have made no contact with my family since my conviction. But it is better this way sice my family had acted as an enabler for a sexual addiction. I could never go back to that environment, because I could not survive it unscathed.

But the most important thing I've learned was how to accept all I've endured. The Bible has taught me that while I may be forgiven for my transgressions, I must also accept the consequences of my actions. Also, I must strive to achieve righteousness, which means I must fight for it. I certainly feel better with each victory but I know the war is not over, but each battle won makes the next victory easier to attain. I still struggle with issues at times, I still fight the urge to blade or to lash out at others, and I still like to see these women out here in their revealing outfits, but I find other ways to overcome the inner demons. they will always be there but I cannot let them control my life ever again

I am free to answer any questions, hate mail etc, that's what I'm here for

The Fallen One

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Message 135628
Part 1

Posted by fallenone on Jun 07, 2004 06:53 PM | Also by fallenone

Gender: N/A, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Ohio, Country: United States

Well this is it and it has been a long time in coming. Here I will open up by giving at least part of my personal story. I will explain how I bacame a sex offender here and later I will discuss what I have endured and learned since my conviction.

First I have to give a brief summary of my life. I lived in Alabama since age 6. I was a year ahead in school with an IQ in the 130s, yet was held back from going further than one year ahead. I was abandoned in a hotel room at age 14, was in many different places during my teenage years. I have been diagnosed with Major Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder, have hasd multiple suicide attempts, and have been known to willingly cut on by body with razor blades. In spite of all this somehow I earned a college scholarship and now have a BS in Justice Studies.

Sexual experiences-- I was introduced to sex very young (8 or 9)by a girl younger than me. Every now and then some male kids tried to make me play sexually with them and an adult did once, so I guess my extreme disdain for homosexual activity comes from that.  My mother's friends also had porno, but I never cared much for that. I lost my virginity to my brother's wife at 15, but didn't have sex again until I got married at 19 to a 17 year old. i guess my divorce bothered me more than I thought it would. But then again I've always felt like I had to have someone in my life to feel loved. As long as someone said I love you that's what mattered to me. Unfortunately women I were with after my divorce said that to use me, and thus my depression got worse. it was quite a dilemma since I was too shy to ask a girl out on a date-- if they didn't ask me I wouldn't even come up to them and ask them out.

Well that's the background now we get into the main issue, the actual crime. (for the sake of brevity I shall rename my victim Rose).

I knew Rose most for her life, roughly half mine. She is a distant relative of my brother's wife. Rose is roughly 10 years younger than I am. I dated Rose's mother who was 7 years OLDER than me but she died of a drug overdose. So here I am depressed and searching for love and Rose reveals to me that she has a crush on me. I didn't care much when she told me because I didn't take her seriously at first. I was naive enough to think nothing would happen even listening to her. She wrote me a couple of "love letters" ion the typical juvenile sense, so in my stupidity I asked her what could she possibly be thinking by wanting to be my girlfriend. So she sent me another note expressing in greater detail what she would like to do with me. I flirted with the idea of giving into her proposal but at least she said only if we married so it didn't go to that (if it did you'd never had heard of me). We were never alone until one night and when we were alone we started kissing but then someone came back and we were no longer alone that night. It never happened again after that incident, but I limited any time around Rose after that.

a few months later I was arrested. Rose had told the police I had sex with her. I admitted to the kissing incident and pled guilty to a sexual abuse charge. she was 11 at the time.

Now why did I do it? Lapse of judgment? Perhaps. In all honesty I cannot give you all a satisfactory reason as to why I gave in for this kiss. the only thing I can figure out is this-- based on my belief system at the time in which I needed so bad for someone to say I love you that anyone saying that captured my heart. Even one too young to consent to do so. My family helped reinforce that view since my mother was hooking me up with her drinking buddies while I was still having sexual relations with my brother's wife. This does not excuse doing the unthinkable but it is merely the rationale behind why I did what I did.

I hope this gives some insight to those seeking some kind of answers. Later I will discuss only what I know and that is my story-- how this ordeal has made me into who I am today

The Fallen One

Thread

135628, fallenone, Jun 07, 2004 06:53 PM [Part 1]
      135634, brennus, Jun 07, 2004 11:07 PM
      135638, dp1, Jun 08, 2004 02:11 AM
            135672, fallenone, Jun 08, 2004 06:37 PM [slight clarification]
                  135683, Silverthorne, Jun 08, 2004 08:03 PM [Why not?]
                        135688, fallenone, Jun 08, 2004 09:04 PM
                  135707, dp1, Jun 09, 2004 03:06 AM [F1]
                        135770, fallenone, Jun 09, 2004 06:00 PM
                              135887, dp1, Jun 11, 2004 05:39 AM [Crystal]
                                    135899, fallenone, Jun 11, 2004 05:59 PM [Are you catching up yet DP?]
                                          135928, dp1, Jun 12, 2004 01:52 PM [F1]
      135689, fallenone, Jun 08, 2004 09:44 PM [Fallen Hope Part Deux]
            135854, fallenone, Jun 10, 2004 07:29 PM [Side effects]
                  135866, scarlett, Jun 11, 2004 02:47 AM [Fallen...]
                        135900, fallenone, Jun 11, 2004 06:04 PM [Lady Scarlett]
                        135933, orolan, Jun 12, 2004 03:06 PM [Scarlett]
                  135930, orolan, Jun 12, 2004 03:02 PM
                        135936, fallenone, Jun 12, 2004 04:26 PM [Innocence?]
                              137206, tryingtosurvive, Jul 10, 2004 02:28 PM [Brave words well spoken]

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Forum: The Other SideThread (Discussion): Fallen Hope

Message 135689 (In Reply to Message 135628)Fallen Hope Part Deux

Message 135628Part 1

Thread

Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): Fallen Hope

Message 135689 (In Reply to Message 135628)
Fallen Hope Part Deux

Message 135628
Part 1