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Forum: The Other Side

Thread (Discussion): Fallen Hope

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Message 135628
Part 1


Posted by fallenone on Jun 07, 2004 06:53 PM | Also by fallenone
Gender: N/A, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Ohio, Country: United States
Well this is it and it has been a long time in coming. Here I will open up by giving at least part of my personal story. I will explain how I bacame a sex offender here and later I will discuss what I have endured and learned since my conviction.

First I have to give a brief summary of my life. I lived in Alabama since age 6. I was a year ahead in school with an IQ in the 130s, yet was held back from going further than one year ahead. I was abandoned in a hotel room at age 14, was in many different places during my teenage years. I have been diagnosed with Major Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder, have hasd multiple suicide attempts, and have been known to willingly cut on by body with razor blades. In spite of all this somehow I earned a college scholarship and now have a BS in Justice Studies.

Sexual experiences-- I was introduced to sex very young (8 or 9)by a girl younger than me. Every now and then some male kids tried to make me play sexually with them and an adult did once, so I guess my extreme disdain for homosexual activity comes from that. My mother's friends also had porno, but I never cared much for that. I lost my virginity to my brother's wife at 15, but didn't have sex again until I got married at 19 to a 17 year old. i guess my divorce bothered me more than I thought it would. But then again I've always felt like I had to have someone in my life to feel loved. As long as someone said I love you that's what mattered to me. Unfortunately women I were with after my divorce said that to use me, and thus my depression got worse. it was quite a dilemma since I was too shy to ask a girl out on a date-- if they didn't ask me I wouldn't even come up to them and ask them out.

Well that's the background now we get into the main issue, the actual crime. (for the sake of brevity I shall rename my victim Rose).

I knew Rose most for her life, roughly half mine. She is a distant relative of my brother's wife. Rose is roughly 10 years younger than I am. I dated Rose's mother who was 7 years OLDER than me but she died of a drug overdose. So here I am depressed and searching for love and Rose reveals to me that she has a crush on me. I didn't care much when she told me because I didn't take her seriously at first. I was naive enough to think nothing would happen even listening to her. She wrote me a couple of "love letters" ion the typical juvenile sense, so in my stupidity I asked her what could she possibly be thinking by wanting to be my girlfriend. So she sent me another note expressing in greater detail what she would like to do with me. I flirted with the idea of giving into her proposal but at least she said only if we married so it didn't go to that (if it did you'd never had heard of me). We were never alone until one night and when we were alone we started kissing but then someone came back and we were no longer alone that night. It never happened again after that incident, but I limited any time around Rose after that.

a few months later I was arrested. Rose had told the police I had sex with her. I admitted to the kissing incident and pled guilty to a sexual abuse charge. she was 11 at the time.

Now why did I do it? Lapse of judgment? Perhaps. In all honesty I cannot give you all a satisfactory reason as to why I gave in for this kiss. the only thing I can figure out is this-- based on my belief system at the time in which I needed so bad for someone to say I love you that anyone saying that captured my heart. Even one too young to consent to do so. My family helped reinforce that view since my mother was hooking me up with her drinking buddies while I was still having sexual relations with my brother's wife. This does not excuse doing the unthinkable but it is merely the rationale behind why I did what I did.

I hope this gives some insight to those seeking some kind of answers. Later I will discuss only what I know and that is my story-- how this ordeal has made me into who I am today

The Fallen One

See an abbreviation or acronym, but don't know what it stands for? Consult the Glossary.

Thread


135628, fallenone, Jun 07, 2004 06:53 PM [Part 1]
      135634, brennus, Jun 07, 2004 11:07 PM
      135638, dp1, Jun 08, 2004 02:11 AM
            135672, fallenone, Jun 08, 2004 06:37 PM [slight clarification]
                  135683, Silverthorne, Jun 08, 2004 08:03 PM [Why not?]
                        135688, fallenone, Jun 08, 2004 09:04 PM
                  135707, dp1, Jun 09, 2004 03:06 AM [F1]
                        135770, fallenone, Jun 09, 2004 06:00 PM
                              135887, dp1, Jun 11, 2004 05:39 AM [Crystal]
                                    135899, fallenone, Jun 11, 2004 05:59 PM [Are you catching up yet DP?]
                                          135928, dp1, Jun 12, 2004 01:52 PM [F1]
      135689, fallenone, Jun 08, 2004 09:44 PM [Fallen Hope Part Deux]
            135854, fallenone, Jun 10, 2004 07:29 PM [Side effects]
                  135866, scarlett, Jun 11, 2004 02:47 AM [Fallen...]
                        135900, fallenone, Jun 11, 2004 06:04 PM [Lady Scarlett]
                        135933, orolan, Jun 12, 2004 03:06 PM [Scarlett]
                  135930, orolan, Jun 12, 2004 03:02 PM
                        135936, fallenone, Jun 12, 2004 04:26 PM [Innocence?]
                              137206, tryingtosurvive, Jul 10, 2004 02:28 PM [Brave words well spoken]
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