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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): pulling all the info together - UPDATE
Message 173376
what now?
Posted by amiallison
on Feb 18, 2006 10:38 PM | Also by amiallison
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: New Jersey,
Country: United States |
I have reasons to believe my 6 year old daughter is being molested by her father during his court ordered visitation. How can I at least get supervised visits until we are more sure?
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Message 173377 (In Reply to Message 173376)
Posted by dp1
on Feb 18, 2006 11:23 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
If you have reasons to believe her father is molesting her than why would you even consider supervised contact? Makes no sense. If he's hurting her then contact must stop. How does she feel about the visits? May I ask what your reasons are that make you think he's molesting her? I hope your wrong, but if you aren't you can't be serious about allowing him to have contact with her.
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Message 173386 (In Reply to Message 173376)
what now?
Posted by amiallison
on Feb 19, 2006 12:31 AM | Also by amiallison
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: New Jersey,
Country: United States |
The visitations were court ordered before I knew of any of this. I have gone through a lot since finding out-state agencies, police stations,etc. He was arrested for aggravated sexual assault last month after his sister reported his rapes as children. He also molested a cousin when he was young. My daughter has told me and a few others whom she is close to that her dad touches her private parts but when she is questioned by anyone in authority she doesn't answer anything asked about time with her dad. I keep getting told not enough evidence. I have no idea exactly how much more is needed-I think in a case like this it the LEAST I could get is supervised visitation until she has counseling and opens up more. Since that has not yet happened I violated the court order and told him she is no longer going with him. I am hoping someone knows a better way than my actually breaking the law to protect my baby.
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Message 173449 (In Reply to Message 173386)
Posted by PVulcan
on Feb 19, 2006 09:45 PM | Also by PVulcan
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Questioned by people of authority? Who do you mean? Also, I'm wondering, did you suspect your husband was abusing your child while you were together?
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Message 173474 (In Reply to Message 173449)
what now?
Posted by amiallison
on Feb 20, 2006 04:39 AM | Also by amiallison
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: New Jersey,
Country: United States |
Wow-lets' see-people in authority: DYFS, local police, state police, county prosecutor.
Of course I had no idea of any of this while we were married. I know it sounds odd but he comes from a very dysfunctional family where there was all sorts of abuse all the way around and just as many lies too. Yet he seemed different, better than they were. Even THEY all said so. While his brother and other sister got into all kinds of trouble he seemed squeaky clean. But all during our marriage I felt something was hidden-I accused him of cheating on me all the time but of course couldn't ever prove anything. His sister never told me because I wouldn't have believed it. When she was young and told her parents they told her to keep her mouth shut or else...
ANYWAYafter our seperation she and I ran into each other and had a visit. I was complaining about where he took her on Sundays and she just blurted out that was where he did it to her when they were younger. Flashbacks maybe? I don't know .
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Message 173490 (In Reply to Message 173474)
Posted by dp1
on Feb 20, 2006 12:12 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Is the sister willing to report his behavior to the authorities?
If I thought for a split second someone was touching my daughter they WOULD not be leaving my site. It's a non-issue. You have reason to believe your husband is a pedophile. Period. What else needs to be said? Take charge and stop the cycle now beforre it's too late. Let him report you for not allowing the kid to spend the weekends with him. Proudly stand up to the Court and tell them why. This one's a no-brainer sweetie.
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Message 173494 (In Reply to Message 173474)
Posted by rebel51
on Feb 20, 2006 01:44 PM | Also by rebel51
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: California,
Country: United States |
Have you had the child checked by a doctor? They can tell if there is something going on also.
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Message 173517 (In Reply to Message 173494)
Posted by amiallison
on Feb 20, 2006 10:20 PM | Also by amiallison
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: New Jersey,
Country: United States |
Thank you all.
Yes she has been checked by a doctor and thank God he hasn't gone that far yet.
Yes-the sister reported it. He was arrested, processed and released on a charge of aggravated sexual assault as a minor. My older daughter from my 1st marriage last week filed a charge of lewdness against him because he exposed himself to her when she was 9-10 yrs old. He has not yet been officially chrged with this yet. She didn't realize then it was not just "some kind of joke".
Also his cousin filed a report of molestation but it wasn't used because it was from too long ago.
So-here we are-still no "legal" ruling keeping my daughter from him. I am lost and confused how to get it at this point. I NO LONGER let her go with him for visitation and she won't as long as I am breathing and free. But I am breaking the law in doing so and need to find a way to lawfully protect her BEFORE the law catches up with us. Does that make sense?
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Message 173528 (In Reply to Message 173494)
Posted by PVulcan
on Feb 21, 2006 01:45 AM | Also by PVulcan
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Rebel, unfortunately even with a medical exam it's highly likely there won't be any evidence. The reason is, if this father was inappropriately touching/rubbing (sorry to be graphic) the child, the child probably didn't tell the same day, which isn't uncommon at all. So even if she told 2days later, a week later, a month later, there wouldn't be any evidence. Usually when a child is being abused by someone they know, penetration is not involved. Of course that doesn't mean it didn't happen, it unfortunately means there wouldn't be any evidence. This is no accident. These pukes know exactly what they are doing when they abuse kids.
I'm with dp1 on this. I say let this father file a contempt order and have your day in court and tell the judge why you're refusing to allow this guy no contact with your child.
Was your child interviewed by 'patrol cops' or child interviewers? Was there a child physchologist involved from your child advocacy center? Also, did she disclose to any teachers? I would ask those folks that she has disclosed to, to put something in writing for you. Do you have any other children, and have they disclosed? How is your daughter reacting to all this?
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Message 173546 (In Reply to Message 173517)
Posted by dp1
on Feb 21, 2006 04:52 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Considering one charge has been filed and the other is pending wouldn't that be enough for the family Court to suspend visits with him until his legal issues are resolved? Can you call the Court house tomorrow and ask for a protection order? In my county it's free and only takes a few minutes.
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Message 173561 (In Reply to Message 173546)
Posted by dp1
on Feb 21, 2006 02:14 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Does your county have a victims advocacy office? Usually, the victim's rights folks work for the DA Office. It seems to me that someone in the court system can advise you on how to cut to the chase and get some type of protection order or file a motion in family court to amend the last order allowing him visitation. I think most people would agree that contact should not continue it's just a matter of getting a legal document to back it up. Legally speaking I think it's reasonable to at least have the contact suspended. Obviously, if he is convicted then a permanent no contact order should be in place - but then again hopefully he ends up in prison and that's not an issue.
I just wanted to say how sorry I am about your situation. You are doing the right thing by protecting your daughter. Good luck and Gob bless.
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Message 173624 (In Reply to Message 173376)
Posted by amiallison
on Feb 23, 2006 01:36 AM | Also by amiallison
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: New Jersey,
Country: United States |
My younger daughter was examined by the DYFS doctors. And when they questioned her she answered all questions willingly and happily EXCEPT any about her faher-there she changed the subject everytime.
I have an 18 year old daughter from my 1st marriage who has disclosed that he exposed himself to her and rubbed up behind her. She has filed lewdness charges. The State Police contacted him on Tuesday and he told them to call his lawyer.
He and I have a court date on March 3 and unless I hear differently I intend to just wait and take my older daughter and everybody my younger daughter has told to court and hope his lawyer brings it up. The motion was filed just to enforce alimony before I knew of any of this other stuff. But we'll see how it goes. I'll just keep making sure she isn't here when he comes for her until SOMETHING changes.
ALL that is of major imprtance to me right now is to keep him away from her and to get my daughters and myself the counseling we all now need.
Thanks again all.
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Message 173645 (In Reply to Message 173624)
Posted by dp1
on Feb 23, 2006 02:18 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I hope things go your way. Keep us posted and good luck!
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Message 173694 (In Reply to Message 173645)
the path of least resistance
Posted by june5
on Feb 24, 2006 07:22 AM | Also by june5
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
The easiest way to handle this, as has already been suggested, would be to just refuse visitation. This might spur your ex to file a contempt motion with the Friend of the Court, but then he would know that he is going to have to stand in court and hear you tell the judge what you believe he has done. Assuming he has molested your daughter, it is highly unlikely that he will pursue this course of action.
If you want to be proactive, you could go file a motion to modify the current visitation order with the friend of the court. Given the official allegations against him, it is almost a certainty that the judge would halt visitation immediately.
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Message 173737 (In Reply to Message 173694)
Posted by amiallison
on Feb 25, 2006 02:15 AM | Also by amiallison
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: New Jersey,
Country: United States |
Well I have been refusing visitation and although he threatened to file a motion it has been almost 2 weeks and nothing yet. However we do have a court date this week on a motion I filed before I knew of all this other stuff. I am also going to file an order to show cause and pray, pray ,pray the judge listens and believes. Thanks all for your time and advice and pray-light a candle-cross your fingers-whatever will help.
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Message 174009 (In Reply to Message 173376)
Posted by amiallison
on Feb 28, 2006 11:16 PM | Also by amiallison
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: New Jersey,
Country: United States |
Here's the status: I filed an order to show cause and the judge stopped his visitation until court on Friday. I had filed for this date some time ago for alimony and some other details of the original order and the judge tacked this on. So on Friday it's my one chance and I don't have a clue what I need to do or say. I am so scared of this because if the judge gives him his parenting back, he'll just think he got away with it and then they'll be no stopping him. ANY and ALL advice and support would be appreciated greatly.
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Message 174016 (In Reply to Message 174009)
amiallison
Posted by june5
on Mar 01, 2006 12:52 AM | Also by june5
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I know it is scary, but all you can do is go down there and tell the truth. If you don't already have one, get an attorney as soon as possible.
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Message 174032 (In Reply to Message 174009)
Posted by dp1
on Mar 01, 2006 06:06 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Great job. Going to Court can sometimes feel intimidating. What you may want to do is jot down some notes beforehand. No one knows for sure what will be asked of you, but the basic facts; who, what, when, where and why written down in chronological order on a notepad will be worth the effort if you get nervous and forget basic details. Get enough sleep the night before and get up early enough to get yourself ready and out the door in plenty of time to miss the traffic jams.
Good luck. You'll do just fine. Keep us posted.
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Message 174278 (In Reply to Message 174032)
Posted by amiallison
on Mar 04, 2006 01:57 PM | Also by amiallison
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: New Jersey,
Country: United States |
Update: We went to court yesterday and I was a wreck. We sat all morning through other cases and then they sent us to a different court room for a "closed session". When we finally got before the judge HE claimed he was not served and had no idea his parenting time had been suspended (odd since he didn't show up to pick up my daughter) and had no time to retain legal representation. So all was postponed until March 17. Well at least that gives my daughter two more weeks of peace.
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Message 174292 (In Reply to Message 174278)
Posted by Valerie
on Mar 04, 2006 03:52 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
If you have the opportunity to make a statement I suggest you start writing it now and read it to the judge ....put your thoughts and feelings down and read from it....its easier than trying to speak for yourself from emotion....good luck sweetie....
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Message 174530 (In Reply to Message 173376)
UPDATE
Posted by amiallison
on Mar 19, 2006 04:40 AM | Also by amiallison
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: New Jersey,
Country: United States |
Went to court. HE had a lawyer. The lawyer seemed to be the only one aloud to speak. HE requested supervised visitation and judge agreed. Problem is we can't agree on who will do it. My brother will but only at my house-he has children. HE refuses come to my house and tells me I'll hear from his lawyer. Makes me wonder why HE asked for supervised if he claims HE is innocent? Anyway-court went very bad and I feel as though I am losing my strength and my sanity. HE wants to have visitation where HE wants and to bring HIS girlfriend and family there. Will he get this if we don't agree on someone? Everybody I accept that HE may too has children and don't want HIM in thier house. So next court date is April 28-after my daughter has a pych evaluation-if HIS lawyer doesn't do something else now.
Next question-my daughter hasn't seen him in a month and misses him. If she has a psych eval soon-will she not tell because she misses her dad? After she told her pediatrician she cried to me that she loves her dad and hates that she "got him in trouble". Am i EVER going to be able to prove this?????
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Thread
173376, amiallison, Feb 18, 2006 10:38 PM [what now?]
173377, dp1, Feb 18, 2006 11:23 PM
173386, amiallison, Feb 19, 2006 12:31 AM [what now?]
173449, PVulcan, Feb 19, 2006 09:45 PM
173474, amiallison, Feb 20, 2006 04:39 AM [what now?]
173490, dp1, Feb 20, 2006 12:12 PM
173494, rebel51, Feb 20, 2006 01:44 PM
173517, amiallison, Feb 20, 2006 10:20 PM
173546, dp1, Feb 21, 2006 04:52 AM
173561, dp1, Feb 21, 2006 02:14 PM
173528, PVulcan, Feb 21, 2006 01:45 AM
173624, amiallison, Feb 23, 2006 01:36 AM
173645, dp1, Feb 23, 2006 02:18 PM
173694, june5, Feb 24, 2006 07:22 AM [the path of least resistance]
173737, amiallison, Feb 25, 2006 02:15 AM
174009, amiallison, Feb 28, 2006 11:16 PM
174016, june5, Mar 01, 2006 12:52 AM [amiallison]
174032, dp1, Mar 01, 2006 06:06 AM
174278, amiallison, Mar 04, 2006 01:57 PM
174292, Valerie, Mar 04, 2006 03:52 PM
174413, Pending Further Review
174530, amiallison, Mar 19, 2006 04:40 AM [UPDATE]
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