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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): Privacy, victrims, and risk. Help.
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Message 173713 (In Reply to Message 173653)
Posted by Quest
on Feb 24, 2006 04:21 PM | Also by Quest
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: 50 - 59,
State: Minnesota,
Country: United States |
iI think this goes back to young women coming of age that I mentioned above somewhere. Women and men use the skills they have to get together as mates. There is a very strong impulse to do this even for survivors. It's the question of who do you trust.
How can you tell who the bad guys are and how do you not get hurt when you finally get on with the business of trying to fall in love.
Humans are best at fooling each other. There is a study at some university that is dealing with the problem of men thinking that a women smiling at them means they want sex. Men have a stupid bone that makes them sure that every woman who is nice to them wants them. It's a biological fact. I call this magical thinking. This whole thing with men has some connection to anger and agression. Some men are very good at the aggression part of this and they are predatory more so than others. Some of these men are damned good at fooling women.
I think survivors of rape have a strong need to be re-validated and to trust again. They are internally confused at why some men who smile at them then turn into monsters at the first vulnerable moment.
The fact that these men exist and will advertise themselves in a false way is the problem. They also are very good at finding women with a strong need for validation. The predator/victim pair are likely to find each other in a crowded room. Often.
The reason that I keep getting into the same relationship with verbally abusive women over and over is because I look for the opposite of the bad relationship I just came out of. The women I am interested in are advertising themselves as being very non-abusive because in past relationships they were accused of it. Anyone that seems overly eager to build up my ego is precisely the kind of woman I need to be suspicious of.
But it is much easier said than done. I have a strong need to have women build up my ego so I will gravitate to these women. My solution is to hide in the basement until I get over my neediness and to be extremely cautious. I have to understand my vulnerability and live accordingly.
This needs to be talked about with survivors. Most significantly with the young ones who are still reeling from the shock of adolescence and childhood abuse.
This is hard to talk about because get upset at the idea that a victim did some things that led to other things that put them in a room with a rapist. We are so jaded by the whole 'she asked for it' thing that we are afraid to talk about these issues.
Over and over we have to be clear that rape does not happen unless a rapist wills it to happen. I have to repeat this in every post. Trust and and wanting to be validated as a healthy human is not the crime. Wearing makeup and dressing up is not the crime. Rapists do the crime, no one else.
This becomes repetitive fast. Can someone else say this better? We don't want women in middle eastern head-dress. We want women to be free and yet cautious enough to be safe.
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Message 173653
Posted by meli
on Feb 23, 2006 06:18 PM | Also by meli
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: Tennessee,
Country: United States |
Thread
173177, Quest, Feb 12, 2006 09:09 PM
173202, june5, Feb 13, 2006 03:17 AM
173281, Quest, Feb 15, 2006 01:15 AM
173282, Quest, Feb 15, 2006 01:23 AM
173338, cass117, Feb 18, 2006 02:54 AM [i will take it on]
173346, june5, Feb 18, 2006 03:36 AM [Quest]
173360, Valerie, Feb 18, 2006 06:05 PM
173226, cass117, Feb 13, 2006 09:21 PM
173348, Quest, Feb 18, 2006 05:07 AM
173390, june5, Feb 19, 2006 02:40 AM [Quest]
173583, Quest, Feb 21, 2006 07:02 PM
173392, cass117, Feb 19, 2006 02:42 AM [thankyou for the response]
173493, rebel51, Feb 20, 2006 01:39 PM
173585, Quest, Feb 21, 2006 07:32 PM
173630, june5, Feb 23, 2006 05:05 AM [Sigh]
173653, meli, Feb 23, 2006 06:18 PM
173713, Quest, Feb 24, 2006 04:21 PM
173679, Quest, Feb 23, 2006 10:48 PM
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