Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): Privacy, victrims, and risk. Help.

...it is really hard to trust someone who sounds like they think you may have asked for what you got..

That is at the heart of the problem of dealing with the victimized. I believe a lot of victims keep this secret self doubt inside of them. If those on the outside do not address all of the obvious issues in the hope of not upsetting them further, the secret doubt just eats them up.
My theories aside, the only reason rape happens is because a rapist decided to rape. Every man has the capacity to make the decision to not take advantage of women for sex.
After we have driven that point home with the big hammer then we can get down to things like prevention and theories about rapists and ideas about how some victims become mesmerized with bad men. And we can do so without ever losing sight of who was at fault.

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Message 173493

Posted by rebel51 on Feb 20, 2006 01:39 PM | Also by rebel51

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: 50 - 59, State: California, Country: United States

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<blockquote><span class="mb-quote">1. Tell me about the humiliation part of being a victim and tell me about secrets. Are they good for the victim or bad or somewhere in the middle?</span></blockquote> I was not humilitated as I was only 5, however with the secrets, they are bad. Maybe if I had not kept my Uncles "secret" it would have ended sooner. Maybe if my mom and dad had talked openly about what they did or did not do, to handle the situation, maybe I would have realized that they DID care and I would have let them know that it was still going on, so that they could have really put a stop to it. However because of the "hush-hush" type atmosphere and the secrecy..I was molested for 8 years rather than just once. I feel that open communication is the number one answer to most of lifes questions and problems. Dark things cant grow in the light. <blockquote><span class="mb-quote">2. Why does a victim seem unapproachable do they now distrust everyone?</span></blockquote> Yes we do distrust everyone and we are unapproachable because we have our protective wall up that will make sure that I never am stupid enough to trust the wrong person again...the wall really doesnt help BUT I hide behind it anyway. And like another here said, I flinch whenever anyone touches me that I am not REALLY comfortable with...and there are very darn few that I am comfortable with and all it takes is ONE wrong word or move and *poof* back on the uncomfortable list you go too! Maybe to never come back off it, because you made me trust you when I should not have. <blockquote><span class="mb-quote">3. How are we obligated to protect his next victim from walking blindly into his trap? How do we balance that with the choices of the current victim? </span></blockquote> This one is VERY sensitive because if you tell, when she has asked you not to, then you are just as bad as the person who raped her..you betrayed her too. (in her opinion) However it is your obligation to tell so that there are no other victims hopefully. This is the perverbial rock and hard place. I saw in a later post that the cat was let out of the bag and you did not have to be the one to betray her, so you are safe and can hopefully remain on the trusted list. Just a word of advice...dont tell her all that crap you talk about, if you want to stay on her trusted list...it is really hard to trust someone who sounds like they think you may have asked for what you got..or that it was just a misunderstanding, due to DNA or what ever your theory is...not getting down on you, just saying that some of what you say can be offensive when you are on the molested/raped side of the coin.

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Thread

173177, Quest, Feb 12, 2006 09:09 PM
      173202, june5, Feb 13, 2006 03:17 AM
            173281, Quest, Feb 15, 2006 01:15 AM
            173282, Quest, Feb 15, 2006 01:23 AM
                  173338, cass117, Feb 18, 2006 02:54 AM [i will take it on]
                  173346, june5, Feb 18, 2006 03:36 AM [Quest]
                  173360, Valerie, Feb 18, 2006 06:05 PM
      173226, cass117, Feb 13, 2006 09:21 PM
            173348, Quest, Feb 18, 2006 05:07 AM
                  173390, june5, Feb 19, 2006 02:40 AM [Quest]
                        173583, Quest, Feb 21, 2006 07:02 PM
                  173392, cass117, Feb 19, 2006 02:42 AM [thankyou for the response]
      173493, rebel51, Feb 20, 2006 01:39 PM
            173585, Quest, Feb 21, 2006 07:32 PM
                  173630, june5, Feb 23, 2006 05:05 AM [Sigh]
                        173653, meli, Feb 23, 2006 06:18 PM
                              173713, Quest, Feb 24, 2006 04:21 PM
                        173679, Quest, Feb 23, 2006 10:48 PM

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