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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): Privacy, victrims, and risk. Help.

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Message 173392 (In Reply to Message 173348)
thankyou for the response

Posted by cass117 on Feb 19, 2006 02:42 AM | Also by cass117

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: 21 - 29, State: North Carolina, Country: United States

quest i have to thankyou for your candor and no i did not get angry i actually appreciate your honesty and point of view.you actually gave me something my wonderful therapist never made me think about ,she just told me i shouldnt feel humiliated or dirty,but i have now thought about it and i will try to answer .here is some brutal honesty quest.i wouldnt have felt that way if a pillow hadnt been placed on my face or if when he was done he didnt just say get out and not look at me reason being i thought what he did to me as a form of punishment like a childhood fight ,i did not know any better. i knew it hurt and i used to dodge him but he always said he would tell on me to put it mildly i was more afraid of my mother an alcoholic than of him . i had stole money out my mums purse and i blamed it on him.a theory i always had was that his relationship with our mum was extremely hate hate and he was often badly beaten if i told on him i would have been subjecting him to severe beatings and he sometimes protected me from them .my first boyfriend was a victim also and where i didnt like to talk about my stuff he used his as an excuse for every bad thing he did in his life.your point about ultimate bad relationship is very true i often felt that it was his way of defeating me b/c i was mums favorite and loving me b/c he felt remorse .we were a very huggy family and i am still that way w/my children and yes my hubby is now an s.o who was also sexually abused yet how do you explain that we didnt know about each others abuse until recently did we both sense the victim in each other or was it the empathy which is what i believe my husband lacked and so does every other abuser .yet we teach empathy to our children why cant we reteach them ?as far as myself being in a position to be raped again i dont believe i have b//c i am hyper sensitive around strangers .also a victim can go many different ways they may have a fear of sex ,be promiscuos,or become an abuser themselves. i would be on a label myself right now quest b/c at 9 a friend and myself played a little i was the agressor yet we were the same age .allthe antis will have a field day with this but i hope they sincerely see my honesty and respect me in thier replys b/c this was hard to write but i want to try to help anyone i can.

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Message 173348

Posted by Quest on Feb 18, 2006 05:07 AM | Also by Quest

Gender: Male, Age Bracket: 50 - 59, State: Minnesota, Country: United States

Why do you think a 9 yr old would be humiliated and feel 'dirty'? At what age does this start? I have a theory that it's built into us. In different  ways for men and women and with some things in common.
   Too little is said about how females flirt and beckon males.  As an opening line I know where your mind may go with that and I'd like to ask you to keep the anger from coloring my next words.
  Flirting females don't want to be raped or even have sex. Neither do flirting males. We all want  and need to attract human intimacy. While the ultimate goal of biology and DNA is to have sex and get replicated, we humans are a beautiful and simple formula that is poetically complex. If you were some alien studying us you would see us  innocently approaching each other and snuggling up in the night. If the alien had something resembling human emotion a tear would be shed and they would feel  endearment.
  We seek to bond together. I can see it in two year olds. We put it out there and we expect the other persons to reflect  without  distortion what we put forth. Ayn Rand's lover and student ,  Nathaniel Brandon,  empathizes the importance of the non-distorted reflection of ourselves in those we engage. He describes bad relationships as being reflected in a funhouse mirror.
  The ultimate bad relationship is rape and child sexual abuse. There is a bad thing that runs deep in us humans. We often see flirting as sexual advance. Think about what you think when a male asks you to dance in a club or 'hits' on you. He just wants me for a night. of sex.  Males that say 'she asked for it' are doing exactly the same thing.  Reducing the wonder of human love and romance into something insect-like and lustful.
   If you look at all of this human interaction as a biologist that is what you would conclude and rightly so if you reduce it to biochemistry without poetry.
  The truth is that we humans have developed a very poetic way of mating that is not about shooting sperm at eggs even though that is the driving force behind  what evolved us. When we flirt we are opening a door into our souls and we expect a decent amount of negotiation before we commit to anything more personal than a dance or two.
   The male rapist seeks to ejaculate and use and that is not a true reflection of flirting's intent. I have tried to dance at clubs, because I like to dance techno, with women who have slapped me down like I wanted to have sex with them and I imagine that this is a very small dose of what rape feels like. It makes me dizzy and sick and it makes me want to explain myself to them but I ultimately know that everything I do will be reflected in this funhouse mirror.
   That urge to explain and be reflected properly is I think what  attracts some women to rapists. They keep trying to be treated as if they are a human with a brain and they keep running into an ejaculate driven monster who misreads them and only wants to use them.
  I have some  complicated theories about mate evaluation and self evaluation that make sense of some of this. Theories that predict women who are raped putting themselves in a position to be raped again and  even putting their daughters in the same place.  Theories that  explain males who proxy their own loss of self respect in women who smell like victims.
    I keep a faith that my theories will change some of this.  But I sound like an alien or a vending machine sometimes  and I feel like  an idiot because my sons hurt and I hurt  and these two young ladies hurt and I knew somewhere in my soul that this thing was coming. So far my theories are batting zero and the rapists a hundred.

Thread

173177, Quest, Feb 12, 2006 09:09 PM
      173202, june5, Feb 13, 2006 03:17 AM
            173281, Quest, Feb 15, 2006 01:15 AM
            173282, Quest, Feb 15, 2006 01:23 AM
                  173338, cass117, Feb 18, 2006 02:54 AM [i will take it on]
                  173346, june5, Feb 18, 2006 03:36 AM [Quest]
                  173360, Valerie, Feb 18, 2006 06:05 PM
      173226, cass117, Feb 13, 2006 09:21 PM
            173348, Quest, Feb 18, 2006 05:07 AM
                  173390, june5, Feb 19, 2006 02:40 AM [Quest]
                        173583, Quest, Feb 21, 2006 07:02 PM
                  173392, cass117, Feb 19, 2006 02:42 AM [thankyou for the response]
      173493, rebel51, Feb 20, 2006 01:39 PM
            173585, Quest, Feb 21, 2006 07:32 PM
                  173630, june5, Feb 23, 2006 05:05 AM [Sigh]
                        173653, meli, Feb 23, 2006 06:18 PM
                              173713, Quest, Feb 24, 2006 04:21 PM
                        173679, Quest, Feb 23, 2006 10:48 PM

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Sex Offender Registries, Sex Offenders Search, News, Info and Discussion

Forum: Victims and Survivors CornerThread (Discussion): Privacy, victrims, and risk. Help.

Message 173392 (In Reply to Message 173348)thankyou for the response

Message 173348

Thread

Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): Privacy, victrims, and risk. Help.

Message 173392 (In Reply to Message 173348)
thankyou for the response