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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): Fanally Justice?
Message 172573
Posted by rabow
on Feb 03, 2006 02:17 PM | Also by rabow
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: Vermont,
Country: United States |
I have not been to this site in quite a while. I have been just trying to live my life and not think about what I have been through. It hasn't worked. When I posted my first thread I got such great advice about fighting for justice. I wasn't sure how to go about doing so. I recently contacted a women and childrens advocacy agency and she did some leg work for me. She found out that my father was never charged with molesting me. He was charged and plead out on molesting my sister. He got distributing to the delinquency of a minor and served one night in jail and one year probation. She said with the statute of limitaions laws it might be difficult for me to do anything about it now. After more research she found that if I was ten or younger in July of 1984 than I can still press charges. I had just turned ten that year so I fianally have the opportunity to see justice. She arranged for me to go the the police station today to give my statement and hopefully within a day or so my father will be arrested. I also found out that my father did not only molest my sister and myself but he also molested three of his sisters while growing up. This is a definite pattern and I suspect there has been others throughout the years. My main goal is to get my father on the sex offenders list and to have him admit to what he has done to me. He did admit to my brother that he did molest me so I have some evidence in case he tries to deny it now. Part of me feels bad about the thought of putting my father in prison. He was my father and we were raised to love and respect our parents. It was very hard for me disown them and to go against the family. The other part of me says he deserves everything he gets for what he has done to me. I am 31 years old and I still do not sleep though the night. My nightmares haunt me both in my sleep and while awake. I get flashbacks often and find it hard to live a normal life. My hope is just sticking up for myself and letting him know that it is not ok with me what he has done, will help me sleep better at night. I'm just not sure how the get over the guilt for putting him in prison. Wish me luck for I think this is about to become a long bumpy road.
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Message 172603 (In Reply to Message 172573)
Posted by Quest
on Feb 04, 2006 12:53 AM | Also by Quest
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: Minnesota,
Country: United States |
Which state is this in? Is it a state law that allows prosecution after 7 years? I'm in MN na my niece was six when it happened to her but that was about 14 years ago. I was told by a couple of places I called that we couldn't do anything this late.
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Message 172617 (In Reply to Message 172573)
Rabow
Posted by dp1
on Feb 04, 2006 01:22 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I am so happy for you. Congratulations on doing the right thing. Deep down I know you know you did the right thing. Guilt is a tough emotion to deal with though. First and foremost issue is that you will soon be rid of all the guilt for NOT locking him up like he so rightfully deserves. That has got to feel better than loosing 45 lbs on an Adkins diet, eh?
Tell us more about this gold mine of the women and childrens advocacy agency you used. What a blessing. Are they life savers or what? I'd be interested in whether they have services in regards to working with victims through the Court process. Geez....it's soooo confusing sometimes and emotionally draining. I wish it didn't need to be that way, but it is what it is so unfortunately a little more torture is headed your way (but it's a good torture - the pain and agony of dealing with criminal justice system doesn't compare to what you've been through or the pain of any future victims he may offend).
Do tell when his butt gets put in the slammer. Let's talk about guilt then and see how his guilt increases in a fast way when they tell him what his charges are. It's time to pass the guilt on to him and rid your mind of taking on something you had no control over. Darnit! Does this mean you're on the road to taking control and charge of your life? Sweeeeet! Gosh, this is the one time I wish I was the arresting officer. I'd love to see the shock on his face when they tell him his dirty little secrets are over. Life is so beautiful with many rewards. You go girl!
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Message 172630 (In Reply to Message 172603)
Posted by rabow
on Feb 04, 2006 03:38 PM | Also by rabow
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Vermont,
Country: United States |
I live in Vermont. I am not sure of laws anywhere else. I was not even sure of this law until the advocacy agency did the research. It still is not a sure thing. There is a lot of work still ahead. I just found out that I missed the statute of limitaions by one month. The advocacy agency are speaking to their attornies to see if there is a loop hole. A few years ago I could not even speak of what happened to me and now I am fighting with everything I have to let everyone know. Time sure changes a person.
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Message 172631 (In Reply to Message 172573)
Posted by Valerie
on Feb 04, 2006 03:40 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
rabow, its good to hear from you and thats great you are finally going to see some semblance of justice for what this man did to you. I am sorry you havent recovered or even come close it sounds like, but perhaps when this come to light, you may be able to access a victims fund and get some counseling that you need. Mixed feelings about what is going to happen? How can you not? But if it makes it any easier for you, remember this. You KNOW what he did to you and your siblings, think of all the souls you dont know about. Being left to his own devises so to speak will never be a fix. You will always wonder what other children he violated and so you need to find the justice for yourself and in doing that, you will gain it for the others. Good luck...Val
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Message 172657 (In Reply to Message 172630)
Posted by dp1
on Feb 04, 2006 08:36 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I just found out that I missed the statute of limitaions by one month.
That bites. Ouchie! There's always civil action as a back up plan.
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Message 172869 (In Reply to Message 172630)
Posted by rebel51
on Feb 08, 2006 07:50 AM | Also by rebel51
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: California,
Country: United States |
Hello rabow and welcome back to the forum.
I am so sorry to hear that the statute of limitations is up for you. Can you go the route that others have with murder and Take it to the civil courts?
I dont know if it will help you BUT when I could not sleep at nights, what I used to do was wear a pair of cut off jeans to bed..then I slept on my stomack...subconciously I knew I could sleep, because I KNEW that I would feel it and wake up if anyone tryed to get my pants off me while I slept. You apparently had the same problem I did...he snuck in while you were sleeping and you would wake up with him touching you right?..with that creepy little smile...
yea try cut-offs....then as time goes by, you can cut it down to lighter and lighter shorts, until a regular nightgown will work again.
I wish you all the luck in the world and know from someone who has been there that it DOES get better! It never goes away so dont even worry about that, BUT, it gets to the point where you wont even think about it for days at a time and THAT is wonderful! This site has helped me more than I can ever say. I have found myself going WEEKS at a time other than when I am here not thinking about my Uncles...now that is a miracle! and SOOOO nice!!
Again good luck and know that you are not alone.
Hey..can your sister help you to get him listed on the registery from her case...maybe she can ask her atterney about it?
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Message 172909 (In Reply to Message 172630)
Posted by Quest
on Feb 08, 2006 11:37 PM | Also by Quest
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Minnesota,
Country: United States |
Time changes you and so does revisiting the trauma until the trauma becomes just a bunch of facts. Everyone around someone who is raped feels guilt. It spreads like a disease. Males feel guilt just because they have the same equiptment.
Women have a whole set of things that they use to attract valid mates who can care for them. Girls tossed into adolescence become confused by the power that their looks have on men. Confused becasue it scares them and at the same time it is important to them to have that ability. When men take a liking to a girl and she smiles at them and they at her, an age old exchange has been enacted that is healthy and good. It is when that turns to the violence of unwanted sex and usery that the confusion and trauma take hold. She can no longer trust the god-given instincts of attraction or even her smile to get that which she needs when someone has used it to violate her.
The victim of these crimes needs to do a lot of work to separate bad men from the good and to get back a trust of her own feminity. Doing something about the crime is the best first step in recovery.
For raped teens and adults there is always an awareness of what might happen or that they may be taken advantage of. For children they don't even know what sex is and the level of trust given to adults is far greater. The devastation is not even something I can imagine as a male.
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Message 172926 (In Reply to Message 172909)
Posted by Valerie
on Feb 09, 2006 03:26 AM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Quest that was a nice reply...
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Message 173001 (In Reply to Message 172926)
Thank you.
Posted by Quest
on Feb 10, 2006 03:44 AM | Also by Quest
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Minnesota,
Country: United States |
I have a whole set of ideas and theories of the effects on victims of sexual assault as well as some of the tragic things we males don't know about how to treat women.
All based, of course, on my beloved evolutionary psychology.
My intent at first getting into these things was to focus on that but I get too wrapped up in fighting some of what I oppose on 'the other side'.
A good friend of mine was raped last saturday. Sometimes I feel downright schizophrenic when posting here.
Sexcal assault is the tip of the iceburg. There is a much greater set of tragic abuse by men of women. If we intend to be really civilized if we we want to make sexual assault a rarity we have to address the whole problem. We have at this time in history the science to do that and we never had that before.
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Message 173266 (In Reply to Message 172573)
what strength you have
Posted by cass117
on Feb 14, 2006 03:44 PM | Also by cass117
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: North Carolina,
Country: United States |
i would just like to add a little something here that has bothered me for years.first i want to commend you rabow for what you are doing .i know first hand the demons that plague an incest victim.i think we all know by now that the majority of s.o's are actually people we know well or are family members.this was my case i was brutally raped for the first time at 9yrs old and that continued for 3 long years probably once every 2mths by my older brother. the statute is up on me now but to tell you the truth this is not an easy thing for anyone to deal with .it is so easy for people to say they did the crime make them do the time plus more,wear an ankle bracelet,register ,and keep our kids awayfrom them,please try and understand the dynamics of what it is really like .this is a family member ,i spent so much time wondering why he did it to me and the other time praying he could be NORMAL and you know what sometimes he was .he could be sorry,he could be a brat he could be the loving ,i will stick up for you brother i always wanted.when i heard the antis on this forum i felt sick incest is so complicated and even though i was the victim i still wouldnt want anyone speaking about my brother like he was an animal,please try to understand where i am coming from .i have minimal contact with him but remember with incest you do have good and bad times it is not cut and dry like a stranger raping you .i had guilt ,i lov my brother ,i am angry with my brother but i dont wish for him what would happen if i reported it.these laws i will tell you are not going to make incest victims come forward if anything you will see a decline in these crimes because people are not going to want to ruin the family or see a member of their family go through all this .i firmly believe and i was a member of an incest group that rabow is special .this is not the norm nor will it ever be .the goal should be to keep families together with therapy and possibly some incarciration but not this lifetime sentence we now impose .again i am not trying to argue with anyone i just wanted to tell rabow i am very proud of her and to give another perspective.thankyou all for listening.
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Message 173619 (In Reply to Message 173266)
Posted by meli
on Feb 22, 2006 10:57 PM | Also by meli
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Tennessee,
Country: United States |
i will tell you are not going to make incest victims come forward if anything you will see a decline in these crimes because people are not going to want to ruin the family or see a member of their family go through all this .i firmly believe and i was a member of an incest group that rabow is special .this is not the norm nor will it ever be .the goal should be to keep families together with therapy and possibly some incarciration but not this lifetime sentence we now impose
I am an incest survivor also and I totally disagree. Rabow is not alone, many incest survivors want justice and want their abuser punished. When a predator makes the choice to sexually abuse a member of their own family it does not somehow give them a free pass. The number one concern should be protecting the victim and the other children in that family. Protecting and enabling an abuser further supports the dysfunctional enviroment that allowed the incest to happen in the first place.
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Message 173790 (In Reply to Message 173266)
Posted by mawmaw
on Feb 25, 2006 09:15 PM | Also by mawmaw
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
I hear so much on this topic, It takes tons of money,time and reliving the crime over and over .... If my limits and time were up.. I would take a board and knock him in the head.. NOT to kill him ...but I would tell him that this is for the times he molested me and IF he tells... that I will get a free appointed attorney and bring out ALL the sex crime that he done to me out in the open... to go ahead and make my day !
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Message 173798 (In Reply to Message 173790)
Posted by amiallison
on Feb 26, 2006 03:16 AM | Also by amiallison
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: New Jersey,
Country: United States |
Can I add a different twist here? I married a man who came from a family where incest is prevelent. His family always spoke of how he was different from the rest of them-smarter, less trouble, better somehow. Now I know that he molested a cousin and raped his sister for many years. He molested my older daughter (from my 1st marriage) and since we have seperated, our 6 year old daughter says daddy touches her private parts.
Incest was well known here-Grandpop was family legend. His other brother raped both his sisters. Everyone who knows these people believe there is something "odd" between his father and his youngest sister. A cousin of his raped a much younger cousin and a different cousin was accused of incest. They keep it very much in the family.
By doing so, now another family, MINE, has been affected. My beautiful daughters are scared, confused, suspicious. I have no faith in my judgement at all anymore. We all need counseling because we are "offshoots". How many offshoots do you suppose there are just from this one family? His brother is raising 3 children. His cousins are raising children. My husband's girlfriend has a 6 year old daughter and is pregnant with his child. Generation after generation it spreads-onto the innocents like us.
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Message 173946 (In Reply to Message 173798)
Posted by mawmaw
on Feb 27, 2006 05:38 PM | Also by mawmaw
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
Amiallison , To break the chain of abuse....... YOU ..have to make the change for yourself and your children if you dont then you and your children are destined to follow and continue the pattern of family abuse.
YOU have the choice
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Message 173971 (In Reply to Message 173946)
Posted by Valerie
on Feb 28, 2006 02:33 AM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Go for it Mawmaw...we can make this as complicated or as simple as we want....it is up to us women to put an end to this madness when ever the opportunity arises. Women and children are the victims, If a brother has been brought up in this enviornment has molested his sisters what on God"s green earth is going to stop him from molesting or raping a strangers child? Or marrying and perpetuating the violence with his own biological or step child? The first order of business is to stop it, the second is for them to get help and usually they only do that when it is court ordered.
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Message 174008 (In Reply to Message 173971)
Posted by amiallison
on Feb 28, 2006 11:12 PM | Also by amiallison
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: New Jersey,
Country: United States |
Well that was sort of my point. If it had been taken care of in HIS family then it would not have pervaded MY family. Where I lost my choice was by them lying about him. I do intend to irradicate it from my family-forever.
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Message 174021 (In Reply to Message 173619)
i agree
Posted by cass117
on Mar 01, 2006 02:04 AM | Also by cass117
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: North Carolina,
Country: United States |
melli i do agree with alot of what you said however as a victim of incest yourself you should know that the majority of victims don't call there perpetrater a predator ,it is usually my big bro,dad,uncle,or something else .i am glad you are all for protecting other children and stuff but the reality is we dont tell because we dont want to break up the family.at 12yrs old i wasnt in a position to protect myself let alone anyone else, i respect your opinion and applaud you on being a survivor.
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Message 174101 (In Reply to Message 174021)
Posted by meli
on Mar 02, 2006 02:43 AM | Also by meli
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Tennessee,
Country: United States |
I do not see how me as an adult referring to my uncle as a predator has any bearing on my feelings as a child being abused...I was trying to make the point that an abuser that molests their relatives is just as vile (if not more so) that a "predator" that abuses non-relatives. I was 13 when I finally told and only after an unsuccessful suicide attempt. I was not the only child in my family he violated (and over many years). Breaking up the family was the least of my concerns at that point. I was terrified what my mother would think (It was her baby brother). I was worried she would not believe me; just like he had told me for so many years.
I just wanted someone to believe me and save me from the incredible emotional pain I was in. I did not really want to die. I just hated who I thought I was (what I thought I was) and I wanted the pain to stop.
There was quite a few people in my family that wanted to blame me, make me believe it was my fault; even make me think I had imagined the whole thing. Thank god my mother was not one of those people. She fought for me and against him. And that made all the difference in my life.
So once again...the CHILD should be the number one concern, not how it is going to affect Christmas Dinner.
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Message 174158 (In Reply to Message 174101)
Posted by cass117
on Mar 02, 2006 03:05 PM | Also by cass117
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: North Carolina,
Country: United States |
meli i was raped from the age of 9 to 12yrs old by my brother i only meant at the age of 12 i didnt want to break up the family .i did not mean to insult you and i also attempted suicide at 17yrs old ,i also had family members not believe me and that is where it screwed me all the more my own mother has only recently addmitted that she hed an idea .your darn right that at 12yrs old i was concerned about christmas dinner but i was also concerned what would happen to me that night when my mom got drunk.i stopped the abuse myself by taking a knife and holding it to my brothers throat i told him that i would tell and he never touched me again.the statute of limitations has run out on me and i do agree my brother was vile but i also remember happy times with him also that is what i am trying to say i grew up with him he didnt always rape me it is hard to condemn him for life when i lived in the same house before and till age 14 when i moved to the states ,we had good and bad times and as a child the bad times were blocked out till i reached age 15 .now at 25yrs old i have had serious therapy and am doing well.i do get angry at him and he will never see me again but he is still my brother and i would hurt if something happened to him .i do admire your strength and courage at such an early age and again i did not mean to offend you.
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Message 174180 (In Reply to Message 173946)
Posted by mawmaw
on Mar 03, 2006 03:00 AM | Also by mawmaw
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
HOW could any woman have sex with one of the SEX CRIMINAL perverts after ....you know he had ....sex with a child ???
There is just NO excuse !
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Thread
172573, rabow, Feb 03, 2006 02:17 PM
172603, Quest, Feb 04, 2006 12:53 AM
172630, rabow, Feb 04, 2006 03:38 PM
172657, dp1, Feb 04, 2006 08:36 PM
172869, rebel51, Feb 08, 2006 07:50 AM
172909, Quest, Feb 08, 2006 11:37 PM
172926, Valerie, Feb 09, 2006 03:26 AM
173001, Quest, Feb 10, 2006 03:44 AM [Thank you.]
172617, dp1, Feb 04, 2006 01:22 PM [Rabow]
172631, Valerie, Feb 04, 2006 03:40 PM
173266, cass117, Feb 14, 2006 03:44 PM [what strength you have]
173619, meli, Feb 22, 2006 10:57 PM
174021, cass117, Mar 01, 2006 02:04 AM [i agree]
174101, meli, Mar 02, 2006 02:43 AM
174158, cass117, Mar 02, 2006 03:05 PM
173790, mawmaw, Feb 25, 2006 09:15 PM
173798, amiallison, Feb 26, 2006 03:16 AM
173946, mawmaw, Feb 27, 2006 05:38 PM
173971, Valerie, Feb 28, 2006 02:33 AM
174008, amiallison, Feb 28, 2006 11:12 PM
174180, mawmaw, Mar 03, 2006 03:00 AM
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