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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): Have your children demonstrated
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Message 171963 (In Reply to Message 171842)
Posted by deadmomwalking
on Jan 24, 2006 02:48 AM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 50 - 59,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
The thing is many of the “signs” of abuse can be signs of other things as well, particularly if the child acts “in” (crying, eating disorders, depression, anxiety) instead of “out” (aggressive behavior, drugs, promiscuity, acting out sexually against others). My daughter was in therapy for 3 years before she disclosed the sexual abuse. Looking back on things, yes, it seems obvious, but it wasn’t obvious to me or her various therapists until she disclosed. There is mental illness in my husband’s family, so we thought that she had just got genetically “unlucky”.
Things we believe were related to the abuse:
-eating disorder. Obsession with their bodies is common among sexual abuse victims as part of worrying that there is something “wrong” with them that attracted the abuser. Anorexics may starve themselves to try and get rid breasts, hips etc. Children who were forced into oral sex refuse to eat or throw up because taking things into their mouth makes them feel “bad”. In my daughter’s case because the abuse began when her body was starting to change and because the abuser told her he couldn’t “help himself” because of her great “bod” she tried to starve it away.
-perfectionism and over-achieving. My daughter was already a little bit this way but after the abuse it became an obsession. I remember counting and she was in involved in over a dozen extra-curricular activities at one point, as well as obsessing about getting A+’s in all her courses. If she could be perfect in every thing she thought it might make up for her being “bad”. We tried but failed to get her to ease up on herself. She insisted that she had to do everything or “it just won’t work.” Now she says being so busy meant there was less opportunity for the molester to get his hands on her. She was too busy to ever visit.
-sexual anorexia. There was never any sexual acting out – I think this may be more common in young children, when they don’t understand what is happening. My daughter has never had any interest in sex or males. Until recently she refused to read book or see movies with any sexual content. She is completely uninterested in dating. She says she would like to have a gay boyfriend , because it would be nice to have a boyfriend, but she never wants to have sex.
-depression, suicide attempts – these became more frequent and severe after her disclosure. Again it seemed to be as a result of believing she was a worthless, bad person.
-cutting. There was only about 6 months when this was really bad and it was during the time she was having flashbacks and being constantly questioned about details of the abuse by police and her therapist. She could cut herself severely enough to practically disembowel herself and feel no pain, only release.
-anxiety, avoidance, hypervigilance. She began avoiding the daughter of the perp and would always try and find an excuse not to come when the two families got together. At the time I thought it was because she didn’t like being with the daughter (her friend). For years she would refuse to answer the phone or the door. She was terrified of going to school and would sometimes be throwing up just out of anxiety (we used to carpool with the perp’s family and he would sometimes pick her up after school.) She spent a lot of time hiding in her room. She also imagined everyone hated her and was talking about her.
-shame. All of her therapists noticed this feeling of guilt and shame but nobody could figure out what it was she was so ashamed of, because she would always be very vague and say she felt ashamed or guilty because she was “such a horrible disgusting person”.
-clinginess. At times she seemed afraid of being out of my sight, which was pretty unusual behavior for a 15 year old. She would climb into my lap and cry. As she had shrunk herself down to the size of an 8 year old she wasn’t a big weight but I admit I’m not sure whether my cradling of her at these times was appropriate. She wasn’t a baby but sometimes it felt like she was.
-dissociation – she would have trouble remembering events that were troubling to her (even unrelated to the abuse). When under a lot of stress she would just “zone out” and later wouldn’t remember what happened. Disturbingly when she was living in the woman’s shelter she would go walk-about in the middle of the night and find herself miles away with no memory of how she got there.
Other things like her psychosis, paranoia, subsequent sexual assault, memory loss, inability to concentrate are not clearly related to the abuse and may have been more related to her treatment and her self abuse , eg., the cornucopia of drugs they forced on her in hospital, the “therapy” aimed at recovering detailed memories of the abuse, living in a woman’s shelter and being threatened there and witnessing frightening, bizarre and dangerous behavior from other residents, eg. physical violence, drug abuse, prostitution (including prostitution of their own children), threats on her life, etc.
I think the anxiety aspect of things probably comes naturally and would have been there regardless of the abuse. It was just much more extreme because of it.
After a nightmarish 5 years, I am pleased to report that my daughter does seem to be finally doing better. She has her own apartment (we help out with rent) and a part-time job. She is dancing again and playing the violin. Her weight is up to a tolerable level. She is still 20-25 lbs underweight but at least it’s not 50. Her eating disorder is still there – she always resorts back to it when she is really stressed – but it’s not the main thing on her mind right now. Overall, she seems happy most of the time, although she does have mood swings. If she gets overtired or doesn't eat for awhile she gets weepy - but she insists she never thinks about suicide or self-harm (other than starving herself) any more. She hasn’t completed high school yet but I’ve told her as it is something that stresses her out she should just leave it on a back burner until she is really healthy. She has re-established relationships with family and some old friends. She comes home frequently but is still afraid to go outside in our town.
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Message 171842
Posted by Valerie
on Jan 22, 2006 04:04 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 50 - 59,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Thread
171842, Valerie, Jan 22, 2006 04:04 PM
171864, Hannahsmom, Jan 22, 2006 07:59 PM
171870, PVulcan, Jan 22, 2006 09:03 PM
171946, Quest, Jan 23, 2006 11:44 PM
171967, Valerie, Jan 24, 2006 03:11 AM
172015, Quest, Jan 24, 2006 05:53 PM
171981, PVulcan, Jan 24, 2006 04:21 AM
172016, Quest, Jan 24, 2006 06:06 PM
171962, Rachel, Jan 24, 2006 02:41 AM
171963, deadmomwalking, Jan 24, 2006 02:48 AM
172008, PVulcan, Jan 24, 2006 05:33 PM [Mom]
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