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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): What is a Responsible Adult?
Message 168745
Posted by dp1
on Dec 07, 2005 03:22 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
We've talked about educating our children at schools thanks to Anti and her efforts with her speeches to students. What else can we do to keep our children safe? Let's look at the issue of dating or befriending a RSO and what we need to do to keep our children safe.
In Florida a lot of the more recent RSO probation orders indicate that a RSO can not have contact with a child unless a responsible adult is present. How do we define responsible?
Would you consider someone responsible if they did not know the details of the offender's offense?
Would the adult be responsible if they thought the offender would never reoffend?
Would the adult be considered responsible if they allowed the offender to be alone with the child for long periods of time?
Is it responsible to allow an offender to bathe a child or let a child sleep with him in his bed?
Would you call the police or DCF if you thought your RSO friend touched a child inappropriately?
Orolan started a thread in the other side about dating. Excellent thread. Offenders definately need to come out of their shell and start dating and having healthy relationships. First and foremost though is the protection of our children. Let's examine the ways we as responsible adults (friends) can help RSOs avoid vulnerable positions. Helping RSOs create healthy boundaries helps keep our children safe. Your thoughts?
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Message 168767 (In Reply to Message 168745)
dp1
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Dec 07, 2005 05:18 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
Well, since i was naive enough to think that just because i was a woman in my middle 20's that my stepfather would never touch my daughters, sadly i was wrong, we need to educate them and let them know that this happened to you and not to be in a position that it could happen to them. I didn't leave my daughters in his care, i left them in my mother's care, due to having to have emergency surgery, and they wouldn't have away in the house. That has since changed. Plus when you are having surgery and its unexpected, you want to know where your kids are, my mother brought them to the hospital, just to late. my daughter didn't tell me for a month, because i had surgeries every 2 weeks. and then she wanted to wait for a month, but the worst and hardest part wast i waited because the sob was taking care of my brother, who would have died without his help. i have about 3 holes punched in my bathroom wall where my mother tried to bribe me, etc. and this house is 3 yrs old. my whole family turned thier backs on me. the judge ordered my stepfather no contact with my children or me for 2 yrs. but he lives around my nephew, and my niece and her 2 sons go see him, and my sister visits with her children. He is a RSO for 10 yrs. But i believe he shouldn't be in any contact with any family members kids.i regret what happened to my daughter. i have anger, not at myself anymore, at my mother. and i know that when this so called christian man goes to meet his maker, he sure will have to answer to someone and i hope its way down below. I guess what i want to say, just because you know a person has done something and and is capable of doing it again. Let your kids know that it happened to you, so they know to never to be in the postition of being alone in a room with them. i would must ascurdily (sp) call the police if he or anyone ever touched my daughters again. turning him in cost me my entire family, but it was my daughter, and she is my family. no its not the right of an offend to was a child. in fact when the child is old enough to do it theirselves, its time for them to do it. And the rest of your questions have alredy been answered
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Message 168775 (In Reply to Message 168745)
Posted by Valerie
on Dec 07, 2005 05:52 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
what a can of worms that question is...But I will add one observation and opinion on that...In this day and age...there is absolutely no reason a woman with children cannot obtain some kind of background on a man she is seriously thinking of exposing her children too. That doesnt mean the guy is fool-proof with no documented criminal history...but women with children have a higher degree of responsibilty than a woman without in my book.
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Message 168839 (In Reply to Message 168745)
Posted by PVulcan
on Dec 08, 2005 12:56 AM | Also by PVulcan
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Wow! Here's a question huh .
It's a little tough for me with the question re: dating, as I am an old married dino, however I have watched my 19 y.o daughter go through some interesting things. I think the bottom line is self-worth and what you're doing with your life. When you surround yourself with people that are positive, educated, successful, happy and overall have a good outlook on life it makes all the difference in the world with the type of people you are likely to meet. My daughter's first love was a total bum. She was hanging with folks that didn't work, go to school or really have an hopes or dreams in their life. This guy didn't have a job, had quit school, had no aspirations whatsoever. He did however want to have sex with my virgin daughter. And did. He wouldn't meet us, she never met any of his friends. He never took her to a movie, for a walk, for a coffee, nothing! But she was in total infatuation with this guy. As soon as she got in college however, her views totally changed and she saw that she really was worthy of so much more. Ahh life as a teen!! The scary part for me was, this guy could have been anybody, he could have been an SO charged with molestation of a toddler, and at the place where my daughter was at that time, I honestly believe it wouldn't have made a difference to her. He was her first everything, and it was just a matter of waiting this situation out, while talking to her about 'healthy' relationships. She came around.
I couldn't imagine being single and bringing men into my home with my children after a few months even. Especially small children. Relationships are difficult at best, getting to know the true people involved. I couldn't imagine a guy I was dating bathing my children when they were younger! I doubt that I would leave them with someone I only knew a short time either, hell I can count on my hands how many times I've left my kids with babysitters.
Responsibility as a mother is, kids come first at all cost! Not open for discussion. No partner comes before children and to do that is putting your child in jeopardy. There are so many factors involved with this question I could ramble all night.
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Message 168852 (In Reply to Message 168839)
PVulcan
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Dec 08, 2005 02:09 AM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
I totaly agree, all kids come first before anyone, especially to a single mother. i met my husband and we moved in together after i knew him for a year, then we lived together for 11 yrs before we got married. He and i have our problems, but he treats my kids a heck of a lot better than their father ever has.
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Message 168855 (In Reply to Message 168775)
To all - thanks for the inputs
Posted by dp1
on Dec 08, 2005 02:30 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
what a can of worms that question is...
Yes it is. And we all have our own idea of what a responsible adult is and I'd be surprised if any of us can come up with the same answers to any of the hard questions and situations that both dating RSOs face and their girlfriends/wives or responsible adult friends.
Do you think it is possible for a RSO to date a responsible women who will protect children and help the RSO keep on the straight and narrow? If so, what should she do to help him not reoffend?
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Message 168921 (In Reply to Message 168855)
Posted by Valerie
on Dec 08, 2005 03:43 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I think it depends on the crime the RSO committed....we have to be careful about the labeling here, if there is one thing I have learned from this board, there are So's who shouldnt have been prosecuted as SO's and the other is there are some on this board who should be in jail and never have the option of getting into relationships...it goes from one extreme to the other..
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Message 168969 (In Reply to Message 168745)
may I?
Posted by anti
on Dec 08, 2005 06:43 PM | Also by anti
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
dp, may I post a reply on this subject?
anti
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Message 168975 (In Reply to Message 168969)
Anti
Posted by dp1
on Dec 08, 2005 07:15 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Of course you can reply. I was hoping everyone would take the time to add their 2 cents. Thanks for your interest.
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Message 168977 (In Reply to Message 168969)
permission from dp
Posted by anti
on Dec 08, 2005 07:34 PM | Also by anti
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
through a pm:
ok, look you all, no one is a perfect parent, correct? as we are not perfect people.... no one is....
but here is my deal, as a parent we do need to try, sorry I am not trying to sound snooty, but I feel the way the world is now, we have to protect our kids, so they will protect theirs and so on and so on.... also, we need to do the following, please listen here, please and yes I do also teach this in my classes:
first off, teach your kids at a very very young age, good bad touch, but go further, kids must know even then that is daddy, or if step daddy, or even grandpa, teacher anyone, does bad touch, its still bad!!
kids esp very young ones feel if it is someone they are close to, its ok, and the secret will grow.
and you must, must be a good example, do not date someone unless you know the most of him/her that you can, do not ever leave your kids alone with that person, never, alot of this is just good common sense, which parents do not always use.
please use it.
keep in tune with your instints, your parent vibes as I call them.
please make sure you touch on dating.
am I boring you all yet? (lol)....
teach you kids, your teens not to date anyone till they and you know a great deal of him, ck the pc for the offender lists, we know some states do posts minors..........
we cant break this cycle by letting it continue, please please, if you were molested as a child, dont continue w/ it, dont date or be around a so, dont trust one near your kids.
and no you do not let a so sleep in your bed with your child, before you fall in love with someone, ck them out, I am a single mom, and not too long ago I met someone had a very odd feeling of him, sure enough, he was on a rso list, for molesting a child.
do you know what I did?
anti
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Message 168982 (In Reply to Message 168969)
Anti
Posted by PVulcan
on Dec 08, 2005 08:51 PM | Also by PVulcan
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Why in the world would you think that you have to ask permission to post in this Victim's Forum? Unless I missed something while on vacation, this forum is open for advocates also isn't it?
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Message 169009 (In Reply to Message 168982)
sorry p........
Posted by anti
on Dec 09, 2005 01:53 AM | Also by anti
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
if I confused you, I will need to pm you, as it is a tad confusing....
but I was asked recently by someone if I felt they needed to not post in victims, and I felt I would, well I will just pm you, easier, need to anyhow, re something personel....
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Message 169011 (In Reply to Message 168982)
pv, actually...
Posted by anti
on Dec 09, 2005 02:17 AM | Also by anti
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I guess steve can reply re that, I dont know if victis is opened for advocates, then again I am known here only as a hate monger.......
and I am not a victim, only a mom of 2......
but yes a child advocate I am and no one will ever take that away from me.........
anti
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Message 169013 (In Reply to Message 169011)
Posted by steve
on Dec 09, 2005 05:45 AM | Also by steve
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Virginia,
Country: United States |
I guess steve can reply re that, I dont know if victis is opened for advocates
I suppose you overlooked it when you posted the message I'm replying to, but at the top of the page you typed your reply into, there's a purple box that begins "Posting to this forum (Victims and Survivors Corner) is restricted to sex crime victims, sex crime survivors and their friends, relatives and advocates."
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Message 169026 (In Reply to Message 169013)
thank you.
Posted by anti
on Dec 09, 2005 03:22 PM | Also by anti
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
ok, thank you steve.
Anti.
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Message 169028 (In Reply to Message 169013)
anti
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Dec 09, 2005 03:28 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
i don't recall anyone ever telling you that you weren't able to post in the victims forum. and your input is greatly appreciated, although like some others posts, it may not always be agreed with. and i am sure others feel the same about my post, and other peoples posts as well.
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Message 169030 (In Reply to Message 169028)
thank you mom
Posted by anti
on Dec 09, 2005 03:31 PM | Also by anti
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
again thank you, excuse my short posts, but am getting ready for a very important speach today actually.
but I do ty, peace anti
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Message 169208 (In Reply to Message 168855)
Posted by Valerie
on Dec 11, 2005 02:24 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
To get back to your original question...if a woman has to worry every day that she get up about taking the responsibility that a guy wont offend a second time, well I would say she's as much of a problem to society as he is....where in there lays your problems with cycles of abuse. I dont have much patience for women who take on guys who have a documented sexual preference for kids. May sound harsh, but even in this forum I have had to bite my tongue more than once. I read some stuff from some women and sit back and say to myself..she's just asking for it! But when you put kids in the mix..I get mad..Ya know life is tough enough, why would any woman especially with children, go into a relationship with a man who has proven to the world he is a danger to society? I personally think that woman has issues of her own self worth and her main motive is to think in her mind she is not worthy of anything better..Oh and your other question, would I call the police? Yea I would call and tell them to bring the medical examiner with them.....
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Message 169284 (In Reply to Message 168745)
Posted by rebel51
on Dec 12, 2005 01:04 PM | Also by rebel51
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: California,
Country: United States |
I think that each and every case is different and it would all depend on the specifics of the RSO's case.
IF the RSO is not supposed to be around children, and yet he/she is dating someone that he/she knows has children then I feel that there is already something wrong and the parent needs to run. If they dont then I would NOT consider them to be responsible.
I dont feel that any parent that would allow ANYone to give thier child/ren a bath other than themselves is responsible...the same for changing diapers or clothing.
If I thought that my RSO friend had touched a child, I would first speak to the child and see what they have to say..IF the child said that they had been touched I would then take the child to the emergency to have the child checked out..if there was evidence to support the claim then I would turn the RSO in...if there was not any evidence and I was positive in my own mind that it had actually happened then I would beat the heck out of the RSO and then tell them to go away and never come over again.
I agree that RSO's need to get into a good relationship as soon as thier counciler feels they are ready because everyone needs to feel normal and to be loved. However if there is a child in the relationship then they need to make sure that the parent KNOWS all about them and then never never be alone with the child. Dont give baths and for Gods sake DONT sleep in the same bed. I would not hang around with the child unless the parent can be there at all times. The last thing you would want is to go back to jail just because you cant prove that all you did was lift the child up to the top of the slide you were not playing with the kids butt! I dont know..me personally if I was an RSO I would go out of my way to never be alone with a child, even if I had to follow the parent into the bathroom each time they got up to go, just so they could never say that I was alone even for a second...I just would not want there to be any way that anyone could put my tail end back in jail, just because I could not prove my side of the story. I think that the parent would dump me just because I would be so paranoid about being alone with their kid.
This is a very hard question...as I said in the begining...I think that it all depends on the individual story.
The one thing that I do know is that if someone is dating or hanging out with a child molester then they definatly need to let the kids know, and tell them that they need to keep thier eyes open. Not only for thier own sakes but for the sake of the RSO...if the child knows that the person is a child molester then they will be more carefull about wanting to wrestle around and to sit on the person's lap and maybe help to keep temptation to a minimum for the RSO.
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Thread
168745, dp1, Dec 07, 2005 03:22 PM
168767, momhelpingbyherself, Dec 07, 2005 05:18 PM [dp1]
168775, Valerie, Dec 07, 2005 05:52 PM
168855, dp1, Dec 08, 2005 02:30 AM [To all - thanks for the inputs]
168921, Valerie, Dec 08, 2005 03:43 PM
169208, Valerie, Dec 11, 2005 02:24 PM
168839, PVulcan, Dec 08, 2005 12:56 AM
168852, momhelpingbyherself, Dec 08, 2005 02:09 AM [PVulcan]
168969, anti, Dec 08, 2005 06:43 PM [may I?]
168975, dp1, Dec 08, 2005 07:15 PM [Anti]
168977, anti, Dec 08, 2005 07:34 PM [permission from dp]
168982, PVulcan, Dec 08, 2005 08:51 PM [Anti]
169009, anti, Dec 09, 2005 01:53 AM [sorry p........]
169011, anti, Dec 09, 2005 02:17 AM [pv, actually...]
169013, steve, Dec 09, 2005 05:45 AM
169026, anti, Dec 09, 2005 03:22 PM [thank you.]
169028, momhelpingbyherself, Dec 09, 2005 03:28 PM [anti]
169030, anti, Dec 09, 2005 03:31 PM [thank you mom]
169284, rebel51, Dec 12, 2005 01:04 PM
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