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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): Now tell me what you think?
Message 168205
Posted by Valerie
on Nov 29, 2005 02:12 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
This is an excerpt of a story from a different site, now I am just curious as to what your initial reaction to this is?
I am not exactly a family member of a sex offender, but close enough. My fiance is a registered sex offender, and because of the registry, I have lost so much from being with him. I had my children removed from my home, I lost my apartment, my car, just about everything. I was placed on the child protection registry because of having had my fiance around my children and ''endangering'' them. I get judged by just about everyone who knows my situation, and treated as a sex offender myself, simply because I am in love with one.
I have visitation with my children every other weekend, but that's it. I can never get custody back as long as I am on the child protection registry, and the way the courts and government seem to feel about sex offenders and anyone associated with them, I will not be able to get off the child protection registry anytime soon. Even if I were to never speak to my fiance again, it would not matter, the damage is done. The judge even told me that I already showed the courts that I am ''willing to endanger my children just to be with a man'' that they cannot believe I would ever NOT be a risk to my children.
I have lost so much, simply because I fell in love with a wonderful man, who happens to be a sex offender. His alleged crime was in 1993 with no new charges, but obviously that means nothing. He was arrested and convicted on bogus charges, and because of that, now my children and I have to pay the price!
I understand there is a fear of a registered sex offender hurting children, but that fear is completely unfounded. Is it possible? Of course. Is it likely? Hardly! A child is nearly 95% more likely to be sexually abused by a family member or family friend than any sex offender. Knowing that, why should the court single my fiance out as a danger to my children, and in turn now apparently *I* am as well, when they would be, statistically speaking, in MORE danger living with their father than a known sex offender? It makes no sense, and the media plays into this. People need to start standing up for what is right, and educating themselves on the TRUE implications of the sex offender registries, because it is not just the offender himself that suffers, it is everyone around him.
http://www.sexoffenderfacts.com/RC/viewad.asp?id=50282589405100006
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Message 168223 (In Reply to Message 168205)
Posted by deadmomwalking
on Nov 29, 2005 07:09 PM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
... a wonderful man who happens to be a sex offender .
LOL. She makes it sound like a birth mark or that's he part of some ethnic group rather than someone who committed a crime. How about "..a wonderful man who just happens to rob banks" or "..a wonderful man who just happened to murder someone" or "..a wonderful man who just happened to make his fortune dealing heroin - but he hasn't done any deals for a few years". Seriously, if her love for this guy is more important to her than her kids, than maybe the judge is right. If he reoffends no one will have any sympathy for her, not even other sex offenders. They will be right in there blaming her for "endangering" her kids and "enabling".
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Message 168242 (In Reply to Message 168205)
Posted by dp1
on Nov 29, 2005 10:01 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
My fiance is a registered sex offender, and because of the registry, I have lost so much from being with him.
It sounds like the registry worked in this case. BRAVO!
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Message 168255 (In Reply to Message 168205)
Posted by dp1
on Nov 30, 2005 12:23 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
People need to start standing up for what is right, and educating themselves on the TRUE implications of the sex offender registries, because it is not just the offender himself that suffers, it is everyone around him.
And she chose to endanger her children and make them suffer because of..........??? This is priceless.
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Message 168269 (In Reply to Message 168223)
Posted by Valerie
on Nov 30, 2005 04:34 AM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
You know I picked up the same thing. In the general forum you have some, not all, swinging from trees and beating their chest that they are just trying to get on with their lives, and then almost as quick, you have threads blaming the mother for being in a relationship with an SO. God this forum sucks the life blood out of a person. If everything was just so black and white uh? Then I read the "siblings" thread and you just want to either cry or beat the hell out of these guys. Its almost unimaginable what these crimes do to entire generations, then you got some real jewels on here who minimize everything...you just wanna reach in thru the computer and grab them by the throat and say look...look what you have done to so many people...and all in the name of hard-on....or lack of one in some cases I suspect. No matter what injustices the system may perpetrate on some people, they will never compare to the damage done to so many innocents...
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Message 168352 (In Reply to Message 168205)
Posted by DoTheCrimeDoTheTime
on Dec 01, 2005 03:59 AM | Also by DoTheCrimeDoTheTime
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
The judge even told me that I already showed the courts that I am ''willing to endanger my children just to be with a man'' that they cannot believe I would ever NOT be a risk to my children.
What planet does this woman live on?
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Message 168467 (In Reply to Message 168255)
Posted by Quest
on Dec 02, 2005 10:38 PM | Also by Quest
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Minnesota,
Country: United States |
And she chose to endanger her children and make them suffer because of..........??? This is priceless.
Suppose the father of her children had been Joe Smith before he killed Carlie. Not a sex offender. A lot of people are not sex offenders out there but a lot of them will be. The only way you can be almost 99% sure is to check and see if he has a penis. Got penis, no child contact.
Being in love probably varies in intensity for everyone but hardly anyone can deny it is one of the most powerful things that motivate us. For some people being in love and being with the loved one is as desparate and powerful or more so than survival itself.
I can't judge this woman based on that story nor can I judge the sex offender. A lot of sex offenders are as excited about children as they are about cold noodles. A lot of sex offenders didn't do all that much and a lot of them did something that put them more in touch with the dark nature of penishood then we non-offenders will ever be. Being so in touch they may well be far less likely to offend sexually than I am.
What concerns me is that the state has now taken on the task of making those decisions for parents. Apparently based on just the RSO status. You know how government works. Just the facts. Bare facts with little or no mitigation and often as much thought as a computer program.
IMO we are on the wrong track here.
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Message 168550 (In Reply to Message 168467)
my 2 cents
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Dec 04, 2005 01:20 AM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
i believe this is what is wrong with my mother, in my circumstances. my mother feels like she had to lose, medical insurance, his money, his property. well it seems to me if the man goes to jail for sexual abuse on a minor, and that minor being my mother's grandchild, it seems to me that she had alot more to bargain with. but of course, she kept telling me if i would have just waited, i did wait, for 30 days, for the sake of my brother, The one thing that i feel guilty about to this day. if it wasn't for the fact that my brother would have died with out that SOB's help. he would have been gone the day i found out. My mother said i was being vindictive, i don't see myself as being vindictive. if i was being vindictive, i would have turned my back on the whole situation, for the monetary gain, or physical gain that i could have taken from him. So to me, even though his time in jail was brief, and extremely easy. I do feel like justice was done, even if it was only in a small way. And i do know my children wont be exposed to him again in the forseeable future.
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Message 168666 (In Reply to Message 168550)
Posted by Quest
on Dec 05, 2005 06:28 PM | Also by Quest
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Minnesota,
Country: United States |
There are reasons why rape and child sexual abuse split and devastate families. These things are not just built into our culture, they are wired into the brain at virth. That;'s why all through our written history and across all cultures studied the situation is pretty much the same.
Denial in parents and spouses is seemingly about survival itself. The peretrators of sexual abuse can be exceedingly normal in all life functions and then they do something that seems so outrageous it can hardly be believed.
Then there is the harbinger of devaluing victims of sexual assault. Women in particular. There was a study that found that the emotional impact of rape is actually LESS if the victims was beaten and had bruises. Why would that be?
Sexual violence is the only form of violence that casts a pall over the victim as well as the perp. This isn't something 'modern' or something cultural it's something human that we need to be aware of.
Victims are very sensitive to hearing this out loud. But it has to be considered. Victims devalue themselves too.
It is a little complicated but most of this can be predicted from a rundown of the biology of a species that has two genders and has sex. These things run so deep that they cannot be ignored in therapy and recovery or in the continuing problem of unreported crimes and prevention. Some species of male birds even beat their mates when they are jealous. That's how deep this runs.
I believe we have a hardwired brain calculator that assigns value to the opposite sex depending on what we know of the individual. For men and women the calculator is very different and it's primary input is 'which sex' .
I know of one case where the perp first put his hand into a child's pant to see if she was 'filing out'. She was confused and not cetain that it was even sexual. At this point in my opinion both perp and victim devalue the victim if there is no immediate protest and reaction. That is the tradgedy of all of this. Neither children or adults are being properly prepared to react to this. I submit that the victims AND the perps could use some knowledge of how it all works to avoid the slippery slope of the abuse cycle.
To obtain and distribute that knowledge we first have to accept that these emotional calculators exist. Next to root them out and understand their nature. Humans have a remarkable intelligence and adaptability once we understand our true nature. Those things that lurk in your brain wiring and emotional makeup will stop making you miserable when you shine the light of intellect on them.
The harbinger of devaluation must be faced and talked about. It's a bit of throwback evolution that we don't have to put up with. We can endeavor to do better than this but only if stop pretending it's not true.
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Message 170812 (In Reply to Message 168666)
Posted by Valerie
on Jan 07, 2006 07:41 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Quest with all due respect, I think humans can make life as hard or as easy as they want. I prefer easy. I appreciate your "quest to delve into mans sexual nature" and no doubt there is a valid need for your inquiries and observations and your willingness to share them is appreciated. This thread stuck with me and that's why I came back to it. Contrary to many of your threads about men's primeval attraction to women and or children and or teenage girls, what makes a strong healthy society is its adherence to its rules. We may not agree with those rules and as much independence this country gives to its citizens it still abounds with the premise of "whats healthy for all" I believe in one thread you made comparisons of other countries and their sexual preferences and cultures pertaining to children. Its almost as if you said "see, see these cultures engage in the behavior and its considered normal. Well the cultures you gave examples of aren't necessarily healthy successful ones, in fact I believe they would be considered third world. But I digress, I have a philosophy also, "if you know the fire is hot, don't stick your hand in it" I know I know very simplified and maybe even ignorant in your detailed mind. But its worked for me so far, maybe one or two minor learning experiences that I would have preferred to avoid looking back...but the woman we are speaking about is a good example of natural selection, she sticks her hand in the fire but is too stupid to even realize the fire is hot, know what I mean? But her ignorance doesn't just effect her, it effects an entire family unit and most likely at the very least another forthcoming generation...Its sad and when you get past the sad part, it tends to make most people angry..just my updated 2 cents
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Message 171048 (In Reply to Message 170812)
Posted by PVulcan
on Jan 12, 2006 09:22 AM | Also by PVulcan
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Hmmm I don't know how I missed this thread.
What do I think of this? Well, I think her statement of her children having to pay the price for being with this sex offender is ridiculous. Her children don't HAVE to pay anything! She's choosing to have them pay a price for HER decisions. There just isn't that much love in the world when the state says in a nutshell, it's your kids or your man! RSO or not. So now her children get to go through life KNOWING that their mother discarded them for her man and are left to deal with that! Here we go, another cycle of children tossed to the wayside, affecting who they are, their worth etc etc. I can only hope that these kids get put in a home where there are truly decent caring people that can somehow ease the pain, betrayal, heartache caused by the choices of their mother. Sad.
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Message 174207 (In Reply to Message 168205)
Posted by mawmaw
on Mar 03, 2006 08:02 PM | Also by mawmaw
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
VALERIE !!!!!!!!!!!!
HOW could you put that man above your children ? I am shocked !!! You can always replace that man but NOT your children !!! I dont care to even hear about his excuses as to 'why and what happened to get him registered as a sex CRIMINAL ....... When you heard that he was a registered sex CRIMINAL .you should have dumped him and RUN.......Dont you see the RED light ????
WHY would you subject your children to possible abuse ??
I just totally freaked out when I read this post .........
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Message 174210 (In Reply to Message 168205)
Posted by mawmaw
on Mar 03, 2006 08:11 PM | Also by mawmaw
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
VALERIE ..... Ok! ....I totally flipped out !! Maby I read wrong and this is just a story of somebody else and not you and your children ... then I am truely sorry ! FORGIVE ME
If it is you, do you think everybody is wrong ?? Do you think the people that loved you and you have lost over this CRIMINAL guy and loosing your own children are worth a SEX CRIMINAL guy ???
help me understand
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Message 174241 (In Reply to Message 174210)
mawmaw
Posted by meli
on Mar 04, 2006 01:13 AM | Also by meli
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Tennessee,
Country: United States |
Valerie starts the post saying:
This is an excerpt of a story from a different site, now I am just curious as to what your initial reaction to this is?
I had to read it twice myself. It is easy to misinterpret that Valerie is quoting a story of another person. It is because the story is not seperated from her initial comments (in conjunction with it being in first person).
But, I am pretty sure Valarie is not the woman engaged/married to a sex offender. :)
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Message 174270 (In Reply to Message 174210)
Posted by Valerie
on Mar 04, 2006 12:51 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Mawmaw, it was the way I posted the story that got you confused, I should have started a new paragraph after my first sentence...even after I submitted it, I read it the same way as you did....
You and I both know that story would never be associated with me...or you... sorry for the sloppy post...I could feel you fall off the chair on that one.....no,no,no that is not a story about me...
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Message 174301 (In Reply to Message 174270)
Posted by mawmaw
on Mar 04, 2006 07:10 PM | Also by mawmaw
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
THANK GOD !!!!!!!!!!!!
I am just close to the exact story as you posted as ....... thats how I found this site in the first place :( I TOTALLY FREAKED !!!
It takes some type of situation to bring us to this SEX CRIMINAL site in the firstplace.
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Message 174466 (In Reply to Message 174301)
Posted by Valerie
on Mar 11, 2006 04:19 AM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Actually the situation that brought me here was a simple search...I do not have a story to tell of abuse that has castrated my life....I just never got it...I never understood how a person could jeopardize their entire future for the simple act of an orgasm...look I am as sexual as the next person, I am sure many here would not think so...but the fact is...I just dont get it! if you want a piece of ass its there for the world to have, why in the world would a human being take advantage of another human being when it has so many consequences...I gotta tell ya I am in a daze about that crap....
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Thread
168205, Valerie, Nov 29, 2005 02:12 PM
168223, deadmomwalking, Nov 29, 2005 07:09 PM
168269, Valerie, Nov 30, 2005 04:34 AM
168690, Pending Further Review
168691, Pending Further Review
168224, Rejected
168242, dp1, Nov 29, 2005 10:01 PM
168255, dp1, Nov 30, 2005 12:23 AM
168467, Quest, Dec 02, 2005 10:38 PM
168550, momhelpingbyherself, Dec 04, 2005 01:20 AM [my 2 cents]
168666, Quest, Dec 05, 2005 06:28 PM
170812, Valerie, Jan 07, 2006 07:41 PM
171048, PVulcan, Jan 12, 2006 09:22 AM
168257, Rejected
168258, Rejected
168352, DoTheCrimeDoTheTime, Dec 01, 2005 03:59 AM
168662, Pending Further Review
174207, mawmaw, Mar 03, 2006 08:02 PM
174210, mawmaw, Mar 03, 2006 08:11 PM
174241, meli, Mar 04, 2006 01:13 AM [mawmaw]
174338, Pending Further Review
174270, Valerie, Mar 04, 2006 12:51 PM
174301, mawmaw, Mar 04, 2006 07:10 PM
174466, Valerie, Mar 11, 2006 04:19 AM
174616, Pending Further Review
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