|
|
Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): Sibling Issues - I had it very hard...
Message 168050
reactions behavior issues for silbings of sexual abuse victims
Posted by deadmomwalking
on Nov 26, 2005 01:58 AM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
For those of you who are victims or parents of victims I am wondering what sort of issues the siblings of the victim have and how you dealt with it? My son has been profoundly affected by what happened to his sister and his behavior has been changed accordingly - not all bad - there's no way he would ever be sexually abused without the abuser taking a lot of damage but it has certainly been a source of sadness and anger for him. I welcome any suggestions on dealing with this issue. He is NOT amenable to any sort of counselling.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread
Message 168110 (In Reply to Message 168050)
Posted by rebel51
on Nov 27, 2005 03:24 PM | Also by rebel51
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: California,
Country: United States |
When my cousin found out that his sister had been molested by thier father he was angry and refused to believe that his anger was at all related to what had happened to his sister. He has been doing hard drugs for most of the 15 years since he found out, he has been in jail for beating up his wife, he has gone completely the opposite of the, straight A's and the letterman jacket, the jokester and prankster and the happy kid with the big smile for everyone.
He is now a unhappy malcontent that wont seek therapy and hates his father but refuses to admit that he does. He spent several years also hateing his sister for not telling sooner and he hated his mother for not seeing what was happening.
In my opinion I think that he actually hates himself for not seeing..or he did see but did not connect the dots til after the fact and now he is running from the fact that he did not understand early enough to help his sister. One of those hindsight is 20/20 guilt complexes.
I know that you were wanting a story with a better ending but this is the only one that I know...my own brothers and sisters were to young to understand and once they were older we all lived in a different state from the people who had molested me so it was unreal for them. As adults now facing those Uncles they are very polite and they watch thier children like hawks but that is as far as it goes.
I guess what I am saying is that if you cant get him to go to therapy then all you can do is love him and hope for the best.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (168050)
Message 168219 (In Reply to Message 168110)
Posted by deadmomwalking
on Nov 29, 2005 06:49 PM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
In my opinion I think that he actually hates himself for not seeing..or he did see but did not connect the dots til after the fact and now he is running from the fact that he did not understand early enough to help his sister. One of those hindsight is 20/20 guilt complexes.
I think there is this tremendous guilt that all of the victim's family have - for not seeing or understanding what was going on. As an adult, you've enough experience to be able to balance that guilt off with a bit of reasoning but for kids I don't think it is that easy. When we first told my son what had happened he cried and said. "I wish I could have protected her. I wish I was one of those WWF guys." He was only 8 when the abuse was going on but he still thought he could have protected her if he had only known. A year ago Hallowe'en he was out with friends and they all went trick-or-treating at the molester's house. He crossed the street and stood there feeling hopeless and angry. He didn't want to say anything because he doesn't want his friends to know what happened. As soon as he came in I knew something was wrong - I actually thought he had been drinking but he was just in shock. Later he was crying and said ' There he was smiling and giving out candy to kids, like nothing ever happened. I wanted to kill him but I didn't do anything - I just stood there and watched."
[quoe]I know that you were wanting a story with a better ending
Yeah I would like a happier ending. I wish I knew what I could do to make things turn out better for everybody.
I guess what I am saying is that if you cant get him to go to therapy then all you can do is love him and hope for the best.
That's what I do. I can't say I blame him for distrusting therapists. Certainly my daughter had some who made things a lot worse. Even if he had someone he could talk to about what has happened - besides us that is. But he doesn't believe in talking about your problems. He thinks that is a "weak" thing to do. He believes in stuffing it. He doesn't want to do anything that might be perceived as weak. He doesn't get angry at his dad or I - he is quite gentle actually. He doesn't get into fights. He gets good marks at school even though he hates it. He sometimes drinks when he is out with friends but rarely to excess. He has an occasional joint when they are being passed around (I know it's different in the US - here marijuana is used fairly openly and police tend to turn a blind eye unless people are selling it in quantity.) but I don't think he would try other drugs. His anger tends to come out at school - he tortures some of his teachers. He is very smart and he intellectually browbeats some of the dimmer bulbs who try to teach him. He is always pushing the envelope - walking in 1 minute after the bell rings and daring them to put him down as late, skipping classes and then insisting on writing the test just to show them he doesn't need to be there, handing in writing assignments that are brilliantly written but which he has deliberately walked on with muddy shoes - you know, just complete disrespect. He has real problems with authority but his defiance tends to come out verbally and in more passive ways - ways that are actually harder to take for the teachers than open, angry acting out because there isn't a lot they can do about it and he knows it and they know he knows it and he knows they know it. When I complain to him about his disrespectful attitude, skipping classes etc he just says, "Why do you care as long as I get the grades? If teachers are disrespectul to the students I will be disrespectful to them". I suppose it is his way of kicking the cat (figuratively speaking only - we have a cat and he loves it and is very gentle with it.)
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (168110)
Message 168276 (In Reply to Message 168050)
my children
Posted by myoung
on Nov 30, 2005 08:02 AM | Also by myoung
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
When my kids were affected by the ordeal with their little sister, they were very very angry. I talked to them whenever they needed it or I did. I had them see it from every possible angle. If you read some of my very very early posts, I address this very issue. My kids wanted nothing more than to make this boy's life miserable but I discouraged it. Educating them to the possibilities of why someone might do something so horrible, helped them understand and diffuse their anger.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (168050)
Message 168346 (In Reply to Message 168050)
Posted by PVulcan
on Dec 01, 2005 03:08 AM | Also by PVulcan
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I think the reaction of siblings will be different for a number of reasons. Males tend to react different, and often think of physically harming the offender. I think the ages of siblings will play a big part. Older siblings may even feel a sense of responsibility that somehow there should have been something they could have done, or knew the abuse was happening, especially in cases where the victims knew their abusers. So many times I hear of victims that thought they were the only victims within their homes, and turns out a younger sibling was also being abused, more guilt, shame and blame for those involved. Every situation is SO different, some families may minimize the abuse, some may embellish it to a point where the incident/s become a topic of discussion that just won't ever go away, not a good thing, particularly for child victims. We always get back to this: sexual violence doesn't ever just affect the victim only, it affects siblings, friends, parents of victims. . Their view of the world becomes skewed, with personal safety & trust issues. Getting help with secondary victimization is detrimental to the victims healing process.
For the son that is not ready for counseling, one day he might want to talk about it. We put alot of pressure on our males in society to be MANLY, non-emotional and to seek counselling would be deemed as a weakness, to be followed quickly by societal punishment we hurl at males as in the homophobic name calling!
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (168050)
Message 168435 (In Reply to Message 168110)
my 2 cents
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Dec 02, 2005 04:33 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
the only anger that my other two children have shown is when my mother tried to blame them and/or my husband for calling them for me driving my daughter to school on a day i had no choice because my husband had to be there. when my mother admitted to me that she did this herself and asked me who i thought did it the first time, i said me, myself and i. it made her mad, and she hung up. then the next day, she called and told me it was them,and it was a warning, it made my children angry that she tried to blame them. mostly because they saw me crying. which i try not to do in front of them. that day they caught me. it was ok, when she wanted me to come and meet to her house and go somewhere with her. they are angry now because i have several dr appts. that i need to go to, and i guess she thinks i will call her, and i won't. i would just as soon die than to ask her. My daughters did try and go see her, when my stepfather wasn't at home, and she wouldn't even open the door for them, because she was mad that my oldest daughter wouldn't allow her to use her tv. she has 3 tv's in her home. so i don't know. she said i was being vindictive when i threw my stepfather in jail, to me i was being a good parent. her putting me in jail, was being vindictive. but, i can rise above her pettiness, and so do my children, they know what type of person she is and they have come along way since last year. and we are all on are way to healing, if not almost there now.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (168110)
Message 168971 (In Reply to Message 168050)
I had it very hard...
Posted by anti
on Dec 08, 2005 06:47 PM | Also by anti
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I had it very hard re siblings, as both of my children were molested, and one was very physically abused........
one now is deceased....
older one still has many problems.
anti
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (168050)
Thread
168050, deadmomwalking, Nov 26, 2005 01:58 AM [reactions behavior issues for silbings of s...]
168110, rebel51, Nov 27, 2005 03:24 PM
168219, deadmomwalking, Nov 29, 2005 06:49 PM
168220, Rejected
168435, momhelpingbyherself, Dec 02, 2005 04:33 PM [my 2 cents]
168276, myoung, Nov 30, 2005 08:02 AM [my children]
168346, PVulcan, Dec 01, 2005 03:08 AM
168971, anti, Dec 08, 2005 06:47 PM [I had it very hard...]
Forum Home
| Top of Thread
|
|
|
