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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): Sibling Issues
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Message 168219 (In Reply to Message 168110)
Posted by deadmomwalking
on Nov 29, 2005 06:49 PM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 50 - 59,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
In my opinion I think that he actually hates himself for not seeing..or he did see but did not connect the dots til after the fact and now he is running from the fact that he did not understand early enough to help his sister. One of those hindsight is 20/20 guilt complexes.
I think there is this tremendous guilt that all of the victim's family have - for not seeing or understanding what was going on. As an adult, you've enough experience to be able to balance that guilt off with a bit of reasoning but for kids I don't think it is that easy. When we first told my son what had happened he cried and said. "I wish I could have protected her. I wish I was one of those WWF guys." He was only 8 when the abuse was going on but he still thought he could have protected her if he had only known. A year ago Hallowe'en he was out with friends and they all went trick-or-treating at the molester's house. He crossed the street and stood there feeling hopeless and angry. He didn't want to say anything because he doesn't want his friends to know what happened. As soon as he came in I knew something was wrong - I actually thought he had been drinking but he was just in shock. Later he was crying and said ' There he was smiling and giving out candy to kids, like nothing ever happened. I wanted to kill him but I didn't do anything - I just stood there and watched."
[quoe]I know that you were wanting a story with a better ending
Yeah I would like a happier ending. I wish I knew what I could do to make things turn out better for everybody.
I guess what I am saying is that if you cant get him to go to therapy then all you can do is love him and hope for the best.
That's what I do. I can't say I blame him for distrusting therapists. Certainly my daughter had some who made things a lot worse. Even if he had someone he could talk to about what has happened - besides us that is. But he doesn't believe in talking about your problems. He thinks that is a "weak" thing to do. He believes in stuffing it. He doesn't want to do anything that might be perceived as weak. He doesn't get angry at his dad or I - he is quite gentle actually. He doesn't get into fights. He gets good marks at school even though he hates it. He sometimes drinks when he is out with friends but rarely to excess. He has an occasional joint when they are being passed around (I know it's different in the US - here marijuana is used fairly openly and police tend to turn a blind eye unless people are selling it in quantity.) but I don't think he would try other drugs. His anger tends to come out at school - he tortures some of his teachers. He is very smart and he intellectually browbeats some of the dimmer bulbs who try to teach him. He is always pushing the envelope - walking in 1 minute after the bell rings and daring them to put him down as late, skipping classes and then insisting on writing the test just to show them he doesn't need to be there, handing in writing assignments that are brilliantly written but which he has deliberately walked on with muddy shoes - you know, just complete disrespect. He has real problems with authority but his defiance tends to come out verbally and in more passive ways - ways that are actually harder to take for the teachers than open, angry acting out because there isn't a lot they can do about it and he knows it and they know he knows it and he knows they know it. When I complain to him about his disrespectful attitude, skipping classes etc he just says, "Why do you care as long as I get the grades? If teachers are disrespectul to the students I will be disrespectful to them". I suppose it is his way of kicking the cat (figuratively speaking only - we have a cat and he loves it and is very gentle with it.)
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Message 168110
Posted by rebel51
on Nov 27, 2005 03:24 PM | Also by rebel51
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 50 - 59,
State: California,
Country: United States |
Thread
168050, deadmomwalking, Nov 26, 2005 01:58 AM [reactions behavior issues for silbings of s...]
168110, rebel51, Nov 27, 2005 03:24 PM
168219, deadmomwalking, Nov 29, 2005 06:49 PM
168220, Rejected
168435, momhelpingbyherself, Dec 02, 2005 04:33 PM [my 2 cents]
168276, myoung, Nov 30, 2005 08:02 AM [my children]
168346, PVulcan, Dec 01, 2005 03:08 AM
168971, anti, Dec 08, 2005 06:47 PM [I had it very hard...]
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