|
|
Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): Are you in contact with your abuser?
Message 166798
Posted by Valerie
on Nov 07, 2005 06:34 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I was curious as to how many of you still have some form of contact willingly or unwillingly with your or your child and or childrens abuser?
Forum Home
| Top of Thread
Message 166828 (In Reply to Message 166798)
valerie
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 07, 2005 08:50 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
i have absolutely none. and in fact they called to let me know that he was out of jail, a few months late, and they are looking in to why he has not registered.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (166798)
Message 166844 (In Reply to Message 166798)
Posted by Valerie
on Nov 08, 2005 12:51 AM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Is he the one that threatened to kill you?
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (166798)
Message 166901 (In Reply to Message 166844)
valerie
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 08, 2005 01:39 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
this is a direct quote from my mother "I will be gotten" for puttting him in jail for touching my daughter.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (166844)
Message 166904 (In Reply to Message 166798)
Posted by joy1234
on Nov 08, 2005 01:47 PM | Also by joy1234
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: New York,
Country: United States |
Why would you ask this question, and do you think that anyone that has been in contact with their abusers would want to answer you? Or trust you to try to explain why? I have a hard time believing that you wouldn't start slamming them the way you slam all the SO's on this board. As a matter of a fact I believe you would. When I first came to this site I really wanted to find a place were my voice as a survivor could be heard without being told rotten things about the way I felt in regards to the registry and all the laws and the healing process. When I saw that there was just as much hate going on and not by alot of victims but by you I just decided your hate is not healthy for me or for any other victim or RSO. You may think you are noble and a hero because you are sticking up for the children in your own way but believe me you don't understand that many victims and survivors don't want to hear the hate that spews from your posts, many have enough on their plates and just need people that can help in an objective way. I take offense at the way you try to control this whole site with your hate. Your motives to solve the problem are so hate driven you take away from how you could be truly helping and I as a former victim take total offense at the question you asked, knowing how you treat the SO's on this board. Anyone that did still have contact with their abusers would probably be scared to tell you.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (166798)
Message 166921 (In Reply to Message 166798)
Posted by Valerie
on Nov 08, 2005 05:20 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
well I tell you what joy ...if the victims on the thread would like me to bow out from this forum...I would more than have the respect to do so......
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (166798)
Message 166960 (In Reply to Message 166798)
Posted by joy1234
on Nov 08, 2005 10:22 PM | Also by joy1234
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: New York,
Country: United States |
First off Val, if the victims, want you here, you stay here, I can't speak for anyone but myself anyone else will have to get up to plate and speak up, if they feel this was a wrong question coming from you. How could you expect someone who does have contact with their abuser to confide in you? You have to be able to be objective to ask a question like this, and from what I have read you can't be. There are stages victims go through, the last being healing and being able to move ahead. Forgivness is a big part of healing even though all victims do not have to forgive to heal. When I read all the things you write that are so negative it goes against what I learned in the healing process. To work with any victim or survivor you have to be open to all of the feelings and sometimes that might go against what you personally believe. In other words to ask a question like this from people that are in contact willinglly you would have to be opened to the fact that some SO's are still capable of being human beings even though they did the unthinkable. I am not going to add another remark on this I just needed to let you know how I feel as a person who went through all of this. If you have something negitive to say back to me well then we will open another thread in another area where we will not be bothering any victims, ok.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (166798)
Message 166982 (In Reply to Message 166921)
Posted by rebel51
on Nov 09, 2005 09:36 AM | Also by rebel51
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: California,
Country: United States |
Valerie..I am more than happy to answer your question..I know that it was not asked in a mean spirit. I have as little contact with any and all of my Uncles as possible but am periodically forced to be at the same family gathering as they are. The one that I have the least amount of contact with..maybe once every 10 years...called me out of the blue about 6 months ago to tell me that his wife had died, I didnt even know he WAS married much less care...so the answer is yes but not very often.
Also, I for one do NOT want you to back out of the forum. :-)
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (166921)
Message 167015 (In Reply to Message 166921)
valerie
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 09, 2005 08:11 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
if you have nothing constructive to say, and can't be verbally polite, then maybe that would be a good idea. just my 2 cents.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (166921)
Message 167016 (In Reply to Message 166904)
Posted by deadmomwalking
on Nov 09, 2005 08:21 PM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
Joy,
You bring up a very complex issue. Victims experiences can be very different and the relationship they have with their abuser, especially when that person is a family member, also extremely varied. I hope that you will post here. I believe that Valerie will respect your wishes to not reply to your posts, if her replies upset you.
You are correct that things are not black and white. We are put in the position of having to choose sides when we may not agree with everything being said on "our side". I wonder whether you agree with people on the other side who think "consensual molestation" of children is harmless or that any damage done is "all in their heads" or only the result of the interference of "child savers". I am the mom of a victim who has been very damaged by her abuse but I would probably oppose registries if they were introduced here in Canada, except for those offenders most dangerous and most likely to reoffend, ie, violent offenders, repeat offenders, pederasts. I would prefer to see money spent on registries spent on prevention, education and research and treatment for both victims and perpetrators.
At the same time, as long as we have people who think children and young teenagers are fair game for sexual exploitation we need people like Valerie, even though I probably disagree with her on almost every issue (sorry, Val). I often think that if I were like Valerie instead of the non-judgemental, oh-so-caring, open-minded and liberal person that I am (Val is probably gagging right now) my daughter wouldn't have been preyed upon.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (166904)
Message 167063 (In Reply to Message 167016)
Posted by joy1234
on Nov 10, 2005 01:51 PM | Also by joy1234
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: New York,
Country: United States |
Thank you for even trying to understand where my head is at. I just feel that most people who were in contact with their abusers because they chose to would be very intimidated to answer the question because of her views. I am not very comfortable in this day and age letting people know that I resumed a relationship with my abuser. I have gotten the feeling from some people that they don't approve and they find it discusting that I would be able to relate to SO"S. No I don't agree that it is ok to molest anyone and if I heard someone say they thought it was ok, I would step up to bat and put them in their place. Believe me I would like to see all abuse stopped and like you, I think education, awareness and better treatment programs will help very much. Unfortunaltly I see more of the issues being driven by fear and anger than by common sense and sometimes the people who believe they are doing a good thing can also be hurting their own cause. You are the first one to come out in the victims corner and say something really productive to me and I don't feel the undertones of anger and discust for me in your posts. I appreciate that. I don't expect that alot of victims could ever imagine talking to their abusers but it does happen, and it takes alot of work to get to that point, it was an internal battle for me, up to that point I could not be objective in issues of sexual abuse, so I understand the anger and rage, and distrust people feel. What I don't think anybody see's is what happens when you come out on the other end, the acceptance and the ability to be able to forgive, to be able to be objective with a issue that is so serious. I am sorry for your child, I hope he or she can heal and be a happy person.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (167016)
Message 167078 (In Reply to Message 166960)
Posted by PVulcan
on Nov 10, 2005 04:36 PM | Also by PVulcan
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
This is sad! The last thing I'd like to see is victim's fighting amongst themselves. The question is definitely thought provoking and we know there are people that have been abused by family members that still 'love' those people, it's part of dynamics of sexual violence. They will go thru times where the hate the person, yet the next day will love them. I can't speak for Valerie, but I'm assuming she wasn't trying to be rude, but maybe is interested in the whole cycle of the abuse and affect??
The choice here is not to respond if you don't want to.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (166960)
Message 167113 (In Reply to Message 167063)
joy and deadmomwalking
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 10, 2005 08:24 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
i agree with what the both of you have said. I however, can't speak to the offender for a period of 2 years. he can't be around me or my children. but i was also told and i quote "i would be gotten" and its starting. but that is ok. I can handle it. I am not ashamed for turning my step-dad in and i would do it again if i had to. if i had the chance to say anything to him, the most it would be would be to say that if he was such a christian man like he says, then i would hate to be with him when he met his maker, and that he turned a grand daughter who completely trusted and loved him into someone she doesn't care or love him anymore. and who has lost all respect of him. And had i been smart when i was in my 20's, i would have filed a report against him for doing the same thing to me. Yet, even though he did it, i am more angry with my mom, but alot of that anger goes back a long way. and it will never be resolved because she won't let it be. she shuts it out.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (167063)
Message 167131 (In Reply to Message 166798)
Posted by Valerie
on Nov 11, 2005 12:46 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Actually Joy, you may find surprizing coming from me but, what I get coming from your post the is the true definition of "coming full circle to healing".
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (166798)
Message 167244 (In Reply to Message 166798)
Posted by mawmaw
on Nov 13, 2005 07:54 AM | Also by mawmaw
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
Hey ! Dont pick on Valerie , we all have our opinions !
There are lots of females that willingly AND unwillingly have contact with their childrens abuser . For some its a living hell and for other its a have too.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (166798)
Message 167247 (In Reply to Message 167131)
Posted by joy1234
on Nov 13, 2005 01:03 PM | Also by joy1234
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: New York,
Country: United States |
Thanks Val, and it was a great question but I had just read another thread where you were talking about vigilanti stuff and then I saw this, you asking this question and I just blew. I myself have been scared to say things because I thought you might slam me. I will try to do a better job of communicating in a more positive way.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (167131)
Message 167264 (In Reply to Message 167078)
Posted by jenclink
on Nov 14, 2005 10:44 AM | Also by jenclink
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Washington,
Country: United States |
I have to agree with PVulcan on this one. This board is meant for victims to HELP eachother, not tear eachother down. We all have similar issues. We ALL know what its like to be hurt in some way. Why tear eachother down? Honestly, thats not constructive at all.
Joy, I understand what you might be feeling, but I honestly don't think Valerie meant to hurt anyone with this question. And I'm not trying to ruffle anyone's feathers either, but come on you guys, we need to be there for eachother.
For a lot of the victims on here, this is the only place where they can find any support whatsoever, and if new members see us fighting on the victims board, what are they going to think?
I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings, or ruffled anyone's feathers, but this is something I've noticed a couple of times, and I just needed to get that out.
And to answer the topic question, no, I have not talked to any of my abusers. A part of me wants to just so I can ask them why and whatnot, but the other part is happy that I haven't had to keep in contact with them.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (167078)
Message 167289 (In Reply to Message 167247)
Posted by deadmomwalking
on Nov 15, 2005 03:23 AM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
Joy
I think this is actually a good topic and one everyone can have something to contribute to from different perspectives. A lot depends on who the abuser is. If it is a family member sometimes it is almost impossible to avoid them, especially if you haven't disclosed the abuse to police. When I was a teenager a cousin's husband (who was like 30 years older) kissed and groped me on my birthday - in front of everyone. He thought it was a big joke but it was really creepy because he had also made suggestive remarks to me when he caught me on my own. It wasn't like I was scarred for life or anything but I really hated him after that and made sure I had something else to do whenever he was invited for dinner. When I was inviting people to my wedding I refused to invite him and my dad and I had a big fight about it. I lost but I pointedly ignored him all evening.
I occasionally run into my daughter's abuser by accident. He lives just around the block. He usually goes red-faced and scuttles away, or if he can manage it he puffs out his chest and cheeks and strides past. Once when he was driving past me he put up a newspaper in front of his face so I couldn't look at him. Another time he almost drove into the ditch when he realized he was alongside me on the highway. I look at him with as much disgust as I can muster. It has been very traumatic for my daughter and she no longer lives in the same town as us. His daughter was one of her best friends, but very vindictive so she has spread a number of lies about my daughter and our family. For example, she told people it was my husband rather than her father who was arrested. Fortunately for us, his daughter is not a very popular girl (my daughter was one of her few friends) and has a reputation for telling stories so it hasn't damaged us very much among people who know us. His wife was my best friend. We haven't spoken since the day he was arrested and ignore each other if we should happen to meet. I can hardly wait until we move. I kept hoping they would but I guess they are going to brazen it out.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (167247)
Message 167324 (In Reply to Message 167264)
jenclink
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 15, 2005 02:52 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
i am glad to see you posting again, there is a new thread called a safe haven for victims and families, i invite you to come in there, it is strictly for victims, and if anyone but a victim or anyone that is not associated with victims then pm steve and they will have their post thrown out.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (167264)
Message 167325 (In Reply to Message 167247)
joy
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 15, 2005 02:54 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
joy. i was glad to see you post in the thread that i started. i hope other victims will start posting in there and that we can get it going.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (167247)
Message 167326 (In Reply to Message 167289)
deadmomwalking
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 15, 2005 02:57 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
hey deadmomwalking, i hope to see some of your excellent posts in the thread i started. you have an amazing mass of information.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (167289)
Message 167327 (In Reply to Message 167244)
mawmaw
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 15, 2005 03:00 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
i don't think anyone was picking on Valerie, but I know for one that i will never have contact with the step-father that touched my daughter again. and neither will my children. and for that matter, we will never have contact with my mother or any part of that family, either. this i can guarantee you.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (167244)
Message 167337 (In Reply to Message 167324)
Posted by steve
on Nov 15, 2005 03:43 PM | Also by steve
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Virginia,
Country: United States |
momhelpingbyherself, there's no need to push people to post in that specific thread since new site policies instituted at the beginning of the month restrict access to post in the entire Victims and Survivors Corner forum to those described below (from site policies in this post:
Sex offenders and pedophiles are not permitted to post messages to the Victims and Survivors Corner forum. In addition, anyone whose participation is likely to be found offensive, triggering or inappropriate by victims/survivors and their friends, relatives and advocates, as determined by an administrator, will not be permitted to post messages in that forum.
So, like you said, if there are any violations, report them to me via Private Message, and they'll be investigated and dealt with.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (167324)
Message 167386 (In Reply to Message 167337)
Posted by Valerie
on Nov 16, 2005 01:26 AM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Ok may I ask this, for some of you who's abuser went thru the system. Are you satisfied with the way you were treated by the system and the subsequent punishment of your offender? and for those who did not , do you still feel violated and justice not served? in any form or manner? I am not discounting the stories of some of you I already know....just trying to get more of a fix on not so much what happened, but your response to what happened either way..in reference to justice for the crime committed against you or yours.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (167337)
Message 167413 (In Reply to Message 167386)
Posted by rebel51
on Nov 16, 2005 10:14 AM | Also by rebel51
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: California,
Country: United States |
and for those who did not , do you still feel violated and justice not served?
I have never felt that justice was served for the fact that the police were more interested in what I was wearing, than what the man was wearing...from thier questions, I as a young girl, knew that they were not going to find the guy because how can you find him by what I was wearing? And they never did eather. Remember this was in the early 70's when they could still blame everything on the female basically.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (167386)
Message 167420 (In Reply to Message 167386)
Posted by deadmomwalking
on Nov 16, 2005 02:26 PM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
It would take me pages to tell you how badly abused by "the system" we were. It was as bad or worse than my daughter's abuse. When my daughter first disclosed in hospital the psychiatrist there said it would be better if she disclose the name of the perp to us rather than hospital staff and let the family decide what steps to take, as they would be required to report it to police and that experience could be as or more damaging than the actual abuse. Boy was she right!
In comparison to the nightmare therapists and psychiatrists and lesbian-feminist-incest sisterhood at the shelter she was released to,from the hospital, (because they couldn't keep her safe and there were no long term psychiatric facilities in which to put her) inflicted on her and us, the abuse at the hands of our neighbour fades. It would have been nice to see him go to jail but I think my daughter just tries not to think about it. For myself, I'd campaign first to get the shelter she stayed in shut down and her therapist's license removed. He would come third. Now that she is away from that therapist, is off the pills and no longer in contact with people from the shelter my daughter is doing much better. Still battling her eating disorder but otherwise is finally making sense and moving forward. She has a new therapist who is focussing on the present and future instead of the past and listens to my daughter when she tells her she isn't interested in talking about or trying to remember details of the abuse any more. She is trying to mend relationships with family and friends. She is doing some part-time work and volunteering at a food bank. She is almost back to the girl I used to know. I've missed that girl so much.
If I had to do it all again I would have called upon my brothers (or maybe you Val) and confronted the perp without going to police. Then I would have taken her somewhere where the perp, the police, the therapists, the psychiatrists and "peer counsellors" couldn't get at her and loved and taken care of her without their "help" and tried to help her start a new life.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (167386)
Message 167510 (In Reply to Message 167327)
Posted by mawmaw
on Nov 17, 2005 09:11 PM | Also by mawmaw
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
momhelping , I am with you on your post , I would NEVER have any contact with any known child sex offender , no matter the cost ! Its a shame that your mom stays with this SEX CRIMINAL . Your mom can replaced the pervert but not grandchildren and daughter.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (167327)
Message 167529 (In Reply to Message 167510)
mawmaw
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 18, 2005 02:19 AM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
well i tend to think that she would have. but instead she has chose to see me as being vindictive. For what reason, i am not sure. I waited a month to even turn him in for he was taking care of my ill brother who would have died without his help. but my mom is full of greed, and what he has, is more important. i hope that the loss she suffers far outweighs the hurt that he has done to my family. I will no longer allow her to hurt me or make me cry. I do feel a since of justice, and i am not saying this to be mean, but i do feel a since of justice for him being on the registry. Its just a shame that my nephews and neice will still be around the person. ANd he is supposed to be a christian. Thanks for your post. Its one of the nicer ones i have had.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (167510)
Message 167617 (In Reply to Message 167510)
Posted by Valerie
on Nov 19, 2005 03:26 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
mawmaw, I was reading and re-reading this thread and have noticed on more than one occasion especially in the general forum a never -ending dialogue of how the offenders want to be seen as people without horns, who are just trying to get on with their lives, raise their families etc...they are looking for relationships that are healthy and long term and want to bring some normalcy back into there lives. But then a post will come up as to a woman getting involved with a convicted sex offender, her child was victimized and then the thread turns to "she was negligent and should be prosecuted" or a "what did you expect?" post. It seems that many in the victims forum were violated by people very close to them. I can imagine how hurtful that was and continues to be on a daily basis. Family reunions, living in the same town, etc. It seems some of the victims have no choice as to be in contact with their abuser. I find that unsettling. You and I have very definite and almost identical views on most subjects, but then I think our personalities are very much in sync. Momhelping is in a very hurtful predicament and that wont change as long as the mother clings to the husband..but it must be hell when holidays, mothers day, birthdays etc. come around. You and I are not in her shoes and all we can do is offer her strength to get through those days. But I have confidence in her..she has realized weakness and insecurity in women can be as hurtful as a crime itself...I believe strength can come from that observation alone..
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (167510)
Message 167723 (In Reply to Message 167016)
he silently disappeared
Posted by sisterseekinghelp
on Nov 21, 2005 08:44 AM | Also by sisterseekinghelp
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Ohio,
Country: United States |
my sister just recently told the family in 2003 that she was sexually abused by her teacher in 1974. my sister is physically disabled, and the family is devestated. how do i go about locating her offender. school district information is confidential, and i am sure he is retired by now. it is so disgusting he was a special education teacher. most of his victims are not able to speak, never saw him because they were blind, or are mentally incompetent. can anyone offer me advice on finding this guy.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (167016)
Message 167877 (In Reply to Message 167723)
Posted by Valerie
on Nov 22, 2005 11:11 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
sisterseekinghelp, I read this this am but didn't have time to respond. Go back to the school and search out all alumni for those couple of years...once you have his name, its easy to do a search...school district information is confidential depending what it is...but if they know your looking for the guy to file a suit, they will close doors to avoid being part of that suit, you might have to hire a lawyer and he get a subpoena...but it can be done...
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (167723)
Message 170302 (In Reply to Message 166798)
Yes, I'm married to him!
Posted by FIREFLYBABE
on Dec 30, 2005 11:59 PM | Also by FIREFLYBABE
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
OK, I was 15 when I was dating a 21 year old. My parents gave us Ppermission to date. Then my mom went crazy and turned him in for statutory rape. It was consentual. We didn't know what we were doing was wrong. Anyways, when I turned 18, I went to court and had the no contact order lifted. We ended up getting married and having a baby. A couple of months ago, the city we were living in decided to start harassing the sex offenders. We were pushed out of our house, and now, because we lived there right under 2 years, we have to pay capital gain tax. It's not fair to continuiously harass those people and families like us. This harassment is unbareable! I'm supposily the victim, but it feels like the public is obsessing about sex offenders some much that they're not stopping to find out what crime they committed. Any sex crime that is committed will get your name and physical address on the net. There needs to be some kind of limitations to the sex offenders list!
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (166798)
Message 170307 (In Reply to Message 170302)
re you being the victim?
Posted by anti
on Dec 31, 2005 01:43 AM | Also by anti
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
ok, but as far as you are concerned you were not the victim, correct?
you said it was all consentual. right? and do you think permission meant sex? dating does not have to be sex, as why my 19 yr old son and I had a very long talk about 2 mo ago, he met a girl, 16 yrs old, and he is going to be 20 in aug, and I sat him down and told him all the no's, keep in mind my son is "straight edged", ( no drugs, drinking, no sex), and I mean HE chooses to be straight edged....
after getting to know her, he came to me and told me how right I was...
I do not want to put your mom down, I am not here posting for that reason, its not my business, but I would never give me daughter permssion to date a 21 yr old if she were 15, my daughter is 16, and is not dating, group dating comes first.......
if she were dating, I would never concent to a boy that much older.
maybe in your case the rso list is not helping.
nothing is perfect.
anti
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (170302)
Message 170336 (In Reply to Message 170302)
Posted by dp1
on Dec 31, 2005 01:55 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
A marriage license does not cure sex offending behavior. If you caught you husband in bed with the 14 year-old neighbor and divorced him you'd be singing the praises about the registry. As long as your marriage is working for you and he's not reoffending I can understand your point.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (170302)
Message 170362 (In Reply to Message 170336)
dp
Posted by anti
on Dec 31, 2005 07:44 PM | Also by anti
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
actually, a great reply, said well.
anti
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (170336)
Message 170371 (In Reply to Message 170307)
Posted by Quest
on Jan 01, 2006 01:26 AM | Also by Quest
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Minnesota,
Country: United States |
Not perfect? In this country justice has to error on the side of guilt. It is our mandate to let a few guilty people get by so that we never prosecute the innocent. That's my definition of patriotism and a conservative. Never violating the principles of our founding fathers.
Not perfect doesn't cut it. These two kids had every right to date and have sex. They even had approval from the parent. So if the parent changes her mind suddenly he is a criminal and a pervert?
This isn't right. This should never happen.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (170307)
Message 170399 (In Reply to Message 170371)
Quest
Posted by dp1
on Jan 01, 2006 06:31 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
You kinda sorta missed the entire point. One of the main reasons offenders commit sex crimes is due to lack of healthy boundaries. Boundaries are learned. Take a stab at it Quest.....now where do you think people learn abount unhealthy boundaries and deviant behavior?
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (170371)
Message 170420 (In Reply to Message 170399)
Posted by Quest
on Jan 02, 2006 03:22 AM | Also by Quest
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Minnesota,
Country: United States |
Boundaries are not entirely and there is nothing unhealthy about the boundaries that these two have.
The only boundary violated here is when the mom decided she owned her daughters sexual behavior and could use it to punish her. Apparently punish her as an adult for the next ten years.
Stabbed and skewered.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (170399)
Message 170427 (In Reply to Message 170420)
Posted by dp1
on Jan 02, 2006 09:01 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
You must be a comedian.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (170420)
Message 170442 (In Reply to Message 170399)
exellent dp, really........
Posted by anti
on Jan 02, 2006 05:09 PM | Also by anti
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I will await for his reply, before I reply, loll as I see you asked him to "take a stab at it"......
I know just where you are coming from, as why I posted back to new poster as I did.
anti
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (170399)
Message 170460 (In Reply to Message 170427)
Posted by Quest
on Jan 02, 2006 08:24 PM | Also by Quest
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Minnesota,
Country: United States |
Wow. I have to start reading some of my posts before I hit submit. And I have to get rid of this laptop mouspad. Have no idea what some of my paragraphs were trying to say.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (170427)
Message 170461 (In Reply to Message 170399)
Posted by Quest
on Jan 02, 2006 08:30 PM | Also by Quest
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Minnesota,
Country: United States |
Another stab.
The 21 year old here was not a sex offender. He is a young man who fell in love and married her. Your idea that 21 and 15 is wrong is based on some very new guidelines in English morality which make no sense whatever in the context of human sexual development.
I believe someone took a stab at this kid by suggesting to FireFly that she would welcom the registry if her husband went after a 14 year old who was not her. I think this was implying that he was a male permanently unable to date anyone who was 15 or under.
If that's the case then show me the research and medical opinion on men so afflicted. Then explain why he married her and had a kid with her when she was 18.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (170399)
Message 170488 (In Reply to Message 170461)
Posted by dp1
on Jan 03, 2006 01:51 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
If that's the case then show me the research and medical opinion on men so afflicted. Then explain why he married her and had a kid with her when she was 18.
Quest, it's obvious you haven't been around too many sex offenders. Geez!!!! I can't tell you how many offenders go after the young ones over and over again and how many failed marriage they have prior to thier first conviction. If you consider the divorce rate alone coupled by the reoffense rate what are the realistic chances that a man could seduce a child, marry her then live happily ever after? It's possible don't get me wrong, but the odds are not favorable.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (170461)
Message 170505 (In Reply to Message 170488)
Posted by Quest
on Jan 03, 2006 05:25 AM | Also by Quest
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Minnesota,
Country: United States |
I've heard a lot of stories but haven't seen any real good breakdowns of the mating behavior of the north american sex offender. I gave a personal and detailed history of my own crushes in the 'new science' thread and I've been all over the map. I'd like to see the same for all sex offenders in a database that I could crunch.
And! I'm plenty hard headed about this thing. I could be wrong but that would be my first time.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (170488)
Message 170711 (In Reply to Message 170399)
dp1
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Jan 06, 2006 03:05 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
thank you for making that statement, although i doubt that it will make any sense to someone who tries everything in their power to justify all the "wrong" done to the offender, and never the victim.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (170399)
Message 170713 (In Reply to Message 170427)
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Jan 06, 2006 03:09 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
or lack there of. i don't think there is anything funny about thinking that everyone should be sympathetic to someone who should have been old enough to establish their own bounderies, because of being older than the girl, and then having sex with basically a minor. Just because a parent gives permission, ( which was wrong to begin with, in my honest opinion) for them to date, doesn't mean she gave them permission to have sex. but being young and thinking they know everything. they took it upon theirselves, and the mother, having all the right to do what she did, did the only thing she knew what to do. the boy, was older, he should have had better control of his "stuff" as my daughter's shirt for abstinance says.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (170427)
Message 170714 (In Reply to Message 170362)
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Jan 06, 2006 03:13 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
dp, you made great replies to what seems like otherwise a bunch of half hearted replies that can't be backed up. in my ho
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (170362)
Message 170747 (In Reply to Message 166798)
Posted by forgive
on Jan 06, 2006 10:23 PM | Also by forgive
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I am the wife of the offender.. I am also the mother of the victim. Yes, I have contact. No, she doesn't have any contact until she is of legal age, then she will choose if and when. Her counselor says that it is a necessary part of the healing process to confront the offender in a safe, controlled environment with the counselor being at her side.This would take place at a time when her counselor thinks that she is ready and the victim(victor!) agrees.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (166798)
Message 170757 (In Reply to Message 170747)
to forgive..
Posted by anti
on Jan 07, 2006 04:35 AM | Also by anti
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I am sorry for your son/daughter?
please know I hurt for you.
peace to you, anti
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (170747)
Message 170773 (In Reply to Message 170747)
Posted by Valerie
on Jan 07, 2006 01:52 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Welcome Forgive, sounds like you have really been thru it. I am sorry for your pain. I dont want to be too forward and you may choose to answer if you feel comfortable, but is your husband in prison or just living away from you and your daughter. Is she is biological daughter?
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (170747)
Thread
166798, Valerie, Nov 07, 2005 06:34 PM
166828, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 07, 2005 08:50 PM [valerie]
166844, Valerie, Nov 08, 2005 12:51 AM
166901, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 08, 2005 01:39 PM [valerie]
166904, joy1234, Nov 08, 2005 01:47 PM
167016, deadmomwalking, Nov 09, 2005 08:21 PM
167063, joy1234, Nov 10, 2005 01:51 PM
167113, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 10, 2005 08:24 PM [joy and deadmomwalking]
167723, sisterseekinghelp, Nov 21, 2005 08:44 AM [he silently disappeared]
167877, Valerie, Nov 22, 2005 11:11 PM
166921, Valerie, Nov 08, 2005 05:20 PM
166982, rebel51, Nov 09, 2005 09:36 AM
167015, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 09, 2005 08:11 PM [valerie]
166960, joy1234, Nov 08, 2005 10:22 PM
167078, PVulcan, Nov 10, 2005 04:36 PM
167264, jenclink, Nov 14, 2005 10:44 AM
167324, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 15, 2005 02:52 PM [jenclink]
167337, steve, Nov 15, 2005 03:43 PM
167386, Valerie, Nov 16, 2005 01:26 AM
167413, rebel51, Nov 16, 2005 10:14 AM
167420, deadmomwalking, Nov 16, 2005 02:26 PM
167421, Rejected
167131, Valerie, Nov 11, 2005 12:46 PM
167247, joy1234, Nov 13, 2005 01:03 PM
167289, deadmomwalking, Nov 15, 2005 03:23 AM
167326, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 15, 2005 02:57 PM [deadmomwalking]
167325, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 15, 2005 02:54 PM [joy]
167244, mawmaw, Nov 13, 2005 07:54 AM
167327, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 15, 2005 03:00 PM [mawmaw]
167510, mawmaw, Nov 17, 2005 09:11 PM
167529, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 18, 2005 02:19 AM [mawmaw]
167617, Valerie, Nov 19, 2005 03:26 PM
170302, FIREFLYBABE, Dec 30, 2005 11:59 PM [Yes, I'm married to him!]
170307, anti, Dec 31, 2005 01:43 AM [re you being the victim?]
170371, Quest, Jan 01, 2006 01:26 AM
170399, dp1, Jan 01, 2006 06:31 PM [Quest]
170420, Quest, Jan 02, 2006 03:22 AM
170427, dp1, Jan 02, 2006 09:01 AM
170460, Quest, Jan 02, 2006 08:24 PM
170713, momhelpingbyherself, Jan 06, 2006 03:09 PM
170442, anti, Jan 02, 2006 05:09 PM [exellent dp, really........]
170461, Quest, Jan 02, 2006 08:30 PM
170488, dp1, Jan 03, 2006 01:51 AM
170505, Quest, Jan 03, 2006 05:25 AM
170711, momhelpingbyherself, Jan 06, 2006 03:05 PM [dp1]
170336, dp1, Dec 31, 2005 01:55 PM
170362, anti, Dec 31, 2005 07:44 PM [dp]
170714, momhelpingbyherself, Jan 06, 2006 03:13 PM
170747, forgive, Jan 06, 2006 10:23 PM
170757, anti, Jan 07, 2006 04:35 AM [to forgive..]
170773, Valerie, Jan 07, 2006 01:52 PM
Forum Home
| Top of Thread
|
|
|
