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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): Safe Haven For Victims and Families and those who aren't sure if they witnessed one
Message 166353
All Victims and Families, advocates, and those who aren't sure if they saw a crime welcomed
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 03, 2005 08:34 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
This thread has been started for victims, families, advocates, friends, and people who aren't sure if they were a vicitim or witnessed a crime. Please make sure you read the forum guidelines, so that there will be no problems and you can post. And please know, that I and other's will help and listen, and offer advise if you want it. Or just listen, if that is what you want as well. You will not be attacked. This is a thread for posters to feel safe and you have to go by the moderators guidelines, or you will be warned and then banned temporarily. I want this to be a place for everyone to feel safe and comfortable in. So its time to speak up now, no one knows you. So lets get this thread going
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Message 166411 (In Reply to Message 166353)
Posted by deadmomwalking
on Nov 04, 2005 03:22 AM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
Thanks for your efforts, mom. I know you've had quite the time of it. It was a bit unfair of me to run off and leave you to deal with it all. I will try and respond to newcomers when I think can help, but I may choose to PM them as I have often done before. I would publicly like to thank the many SO's and people like Silverthorne who have offered support and respectful advice on this forum. I am sorry that in my anger at certain posts here I lumped you in with the people I was angry with. I hope that victims who are ready or willing to do so will feel comfortable talking about broader issues on the Main Forum. And I hope people like Silverthorne who has been a victim of CSA and who may be attracted to children but has never acted on it and condemns such activity, will still be available if someone needs advice.
I know there are some, even on the victim side that probably don't agree with these changes. Personally I could not handle some of the stuff that was said here. I used to be a pretty laid-back, relaxed person but after what we've been through in the past few years I feel as if the world is a hostile place and we are constantly under attack. It's like the anxiety chip is on and I can't turn it off. I know there are lots of SO's who probably feel that way as well. I can understand their anxiety but it is not always easy for me to be sympathetic. If my daughter's abuser came here and talked about how tough things were for him - well, best not get into it.
Anyway, thank you Steve for making the changes. I hope this will make things a bit easier for some to post and that we can talk about some of those "grey" areas that aren't black and white without feeling as if we are letting down the side.
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Message 166429 (In Reply to Message 166353)
On Right Track
Posted by Navigatr1
on Nov 04, 2005 12:46 PM | Also by Navigatr1
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I am only going to post this once to this thread to say that I believe you are on the right track momhelpingbyherself. I believe that I qualify to comment as I am a victim, but I don't want to create waves. So I am changing the tone of the post in order to be supportive rather than trying to debate an issue. I agree that victims need to speak up and be supportive of each other.
--Navigatr1
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Message 166449 (In Reply to Message 166353)
Posted by dp1
on Nov 04, 2005 03:27 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Anyway, thank you Steve for making the changes. I hope this will make things a bit easier for some to post and that we can talk about some of those "grey" areas that aren't black and white without feeling as if we are letting down the side.
Ditto. I believe the changes can lead to the creation of a safe haven for victims and survivors. I also agree with Navigatr1 about victims needing to speak up and be supportive of each other. Some of the grey areas though need to be ironed out as quickly as possible, in my opinion. For example, it’s unclear who specifically is considered a friend, supporter or victim’s advocate. Without a concise game plan there will always be confusion, misunderstandings and a feeling of lack of support. Navigatr1’s post is a perfect example. He promptly posted here because it was important for him to show support. However, he made it perfectly clear that his continued presence in this forum won’t happen because he didn’t want to create waves. I’m saddened to hear that he won’t bother to post based on his assumptions.
As a person without a specific label I can tell you from experience that perceptions and assumptions are almost always incorrect. I’ve been called a hatemonger, peeper, sheep, pedo-lover, sex offender supporter and I’m sure there are others slipping my mind right now that would be in violation of Steve’s rules if I mentioned (lol). I suppose my label changes with the wind. How do I know how I’m being perceived and whether I’m welcomed in a certain forum? I believe it’s in everyone’s best interests as to not cause confusion and hard feelings that victims stop holding back. Speak your minds and be honest about your gut feelings and what you believe is right and safe for victims. Us non-victim labeless people cannot read your minds. Without really knowing who is and who is not welcomed in this forum I suspect a lot of people might feel like they are walking on egg shells, and as a result be too afraid to post and offer support.
I just wanted to post the voice of us labeless people to express the confusion and hopefully encourage others to post, support, ask questions and most of all respect our victim’s feelings. Regardless of my label of the day or the color of my hat there is one thing you can always count on; that would be DP1’s undivided attention and support.
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Message 166454 (In Reply to Message 166353)
i need to make a correction
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 04, 2005 03:51 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
I need to make a correction. This is a forum. Being new to this, I was not thinking right. I want all victims to come out of their corner's and all new victims to feel welcome and know that anything they post will be treated with respect and understanding. I as a victim and a parent of a victim will be here as often as i can. and i hope, that dp1, who is neither, deadmomwalking will help me get this going. they are actually my inspiration to get this baby going. Victims are going to be victims as long as they allow themselves to be. Its time to take that power back.
Steve, I personally want to thank you for allowing this to happen and for being a little more tighter on your rules for the postings. I commend you for all sides. With that said, I hope that i can get this off the ground. And that victims will actually know that they will get understanding and if they just need a shoulder to lean on or just to vent, in a comstructive way, that doesn't go against the moderator guidelines that they will start doing this.
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Message 166456 (In Reply to Message 166353)
cool...
Posted by anti
on Nov 04, 2005 03:54 PM | Also by anti
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
hope this thread will work for those in need.......
maybe in time , it can be permanently kept open, and you can add links, if steve allows? links for places in all areas to go for help, just a thought.
anti
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Message 166457 (In Reply to Message 166411)
deadmomwalking and dp1
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 04, 2005 03:55 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
i want to take the time to thank you both for stepping back and showing me that a victim can stand up and show that they are strong enough to handle things on their own. If i could do that, with all the anger i was recieving and giving, i am hoping that the both of you will be willing to help me in here. I appreciate all the help that you have given me, and its been alot. I still can't say i understand or forgive my mother for her stance in defending her husband, but i have come to terms with it. I just stay away. it works better.
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Message 166458 (In Reply to Message 166429)
navigatr1
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 04, 2005 03:56 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
thanks for the comments they were kind
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Message 166511 (In Reply to Message 166457)
Momhelping
Posted by dp1
on Nov 05, 2005 03:20 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
You're welcome. I'm glad things seem to be working out with your mom. I know it's been a difficult time for you.
I'd be glad to help out wherever there's a need:-))
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Message 166633 (In Reply to Message 166511)
dp1
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 06, 2005 12:11 AM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
thanks dp1, i know you mean that!
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Message 166634 (In Reply to Message 166456)
anti
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 06, 2005 12:13 AM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
right now i am only going to make small steps, and see what happens. i am hoping for victims to come in first.
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Message 166684 (In Reply to Message 166353)
Posted by Valerie
on Nov 06, 2005 05:48 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
In my experience I have come to the conclusion that it can be family who hurt us more often than strangers. I don't mean physical or sexual abuse necessarily, it can be a cross word or thoughtlessness because its family they think all will be forgiven. It hurts more coming from members of your own clan ...because that's where most people think they are the safest. My heart aches for those of you who have been betrayed. Mom, sometimes you have to stand back and look at your mother with a very objective eye, her era, her education, her fears and even her shortcomings. Then you have to say she did what she did, because of what made her who she is. When you start to do that, I think you can start to heel. Oh you will never find solace in her actions, but you might find answers, even if they are painful ones.
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Message 166688 (In Reply to Message 166684)
Posted by PVulcan
on Nov 06, 2005 06:06 PM | Also by PVulcan
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
You're right Valerie! Often times for victims it's their loved ones that do emotional damage. Whether it's because they didn't believe them or they believe them but expect that the victim should just get over it! The problem of course is when it's a stranger rape, usually the physical evidence will support what happened. But when the victim knows the perp most times the physical evidence will not be there, because the attack will not be 'physically brutal' , or there wasn't penetration (espeially with children) and that's no accident! So now the loved ones have to make a choice, do they believe that their hubby would really do that to their child, and if they believe that, what does that parent do NOW!!!! It is not healthy for us to have toxic people around us, particularly family members, and sometimes unfortunately it's in the victim's best interest to severe the ties for a yr, two yrs, or how ever long it takes to surround yourself with healthy, positive people.
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Message 166690 (In Reply to Message 166684)
valerie
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 06, 2005 06:11 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
thanks for your words of wisdom, although i am not sure why you were saying them. i have actually come to terms with what my mother has done. she betrayed my daughter and me. I have known her a long time, know the reason why, and it doesn't surprise me, do i love her, yes she is my mom. I loved her enough to call her late/early this morning to warn her that a tornado was in path. Will i forgive her? no, and i won't forget. But i am allowed to feel this, and even my therapist says i can feel this way. I have known her a long time and i only know why she does the things she does. I am simply wanting to help other victims and/or families. I am doing the same thing now in a neighboring community that just went through a F3 tornado last night at 3 am. I just simply like to help others. that is my therapy. i also help adoptees or at least atempt to find their birth parents.
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Message 166692 (In Reply to Message 166353)
Posted by Valerie
on Nov 06, 2005 06:19 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Its a very tough call when it comes to family. Most persons would be shell shocked to know or even suspect a friend or family member could be capable of commiting such acts. But I think that is the time to step outside yourself and say, Ok this person has violated me or someone close to me and since that person has no respect for boundaries on someone near to them, it would be a simplier line to cross with another child, given the opportunity and circumstance. I know its easier said than done, but that is when a victim must realize they have a greater responsibility to their fellow man and attain justice for themselves. Think about the people on the registries. Those people are brothers, cousins, husbands and sons to someone? They didnt fall from the sky and appear from no where. The majority of those persons have demonstrated that they can not make reasonable choices and therefore are toxic as you say. Perfect word by the way.
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Message 166693 (In Reply to Message 166688)
PVulcan
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 06, 2005 06:19 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
I couldn't agree more. I have blocked my mom's phone number out so she can't call here. And my oldest daughter has a cell phone, one of those kind that you have to buy your minutes to use, she knows its for emergencieces only. However, because i do love my mother, i did call her late last night to let her know she was in the path of a tornado. Simply because she is my mom, and i had been in one. i can't choose my mom. She wasn't ordered to stay away from me or my children, its being her own self doing this, if she don't get her way. like a tv. she wouldn't open door because my daughter wouldn't let her use a tv and she knew they were coming to see her on a monday while he was at work. so the only person she is showing as being a fool, is herself.
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Message 166737 (In Reply to Message 166353)
Sitting on The Fence
Posted by DoTheCrimeDoTheTime
on Nov 07, 2005 01:46 AM | Also by DoTheCrimeDoTheTime
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
As a Probation Officer, sometimes I sit on the fence, wondering what side do I belong.
Well, I am a victim, family member, concerned citizen, SO sympathizer (at times) yadda, yadda, yadda.
I post in all forums. For Victims and Survivors, my personal belief is that this forum is for those who seek help or need a place to vent. It is very healthy to vent. If you have questions or problems, then, this should be a safe haven to post.
I have quite a few hour and a background in the legal system. So post away here. I will add my 2 cents and offer help or guidance. You may not always like what I have to say, but maybe you will get a better understanding of "why" things didn't happen the way you would like.
For those new here, document, document, document your experiences or events. Gotta love those digital cameras or cell phones that take photos. Those can you your best friend.
Like many, I have become disillusioned with the forum. I will not post to some members here. I choose to ignore many due to the inappropriate comments or lengthily rants they post. I will lurk and peep in, but will no longer post comments other than in this forum or when I have something positive to offer.
TO VICTIMS OR FRIENDS: DO NOT HESITATE TO POST HERE. THERE IS AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF EXPERIENCES, AND INFORMATION HERE FROM "POSITIVE POSTERS" THAT WILL OFFER ADVICE OR HELP. PLEASE KEEP IT COMING. JUST BECAUSE THIS SITE IS CALLED SEXCRIMINALS. COM, DOES NOT MEAN THIS IS AN INVITATION FOR SEX OFFENDERS ONLY. YOU MAY BE OUTNUMBERED IN POST, BUT NOT IN REALITY. WE KNOW YOU ARE OUT THERE AND ARE FAR MORE OF YOU THERE THAN ARE SEX OFFENDERS.
Lastly, there are some sex offenders that post here that have a great deal of information that they can provide here. Do not let the fact that they are sex offenders keep you from posting.
Sometimes the hair of the dog that bit you can be the best medicine. If you know what the poison is, than you can best find the ant-venom.
Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
DTCDTT
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Message 166744 (In Reply to Message 166737)
dothecrimedothetime
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 07, 2005 03:10 AM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
i couldn't agree more. Its the ones that we don't want the victims to make feel like victims all over again to be here making things worse. I like you feel that victims need this forum to feel safe, and i for one am hoping that they will realize that this will be the one place they can come to. if anyone feels like they can't talk about something. pm me, dothecrimetothetime, and several others will also be mentioned. But its up to you as the victims to come out of the wood work now and come in and Vent. Venting is good for the soul, believe me, i have 3 holes in my bathroom wall that would tell you so. LOL!!! So please use this as a place to come and talk, post poems, if that is how you get your feelings out, anything and anyway you can get out how you are feeling, if its anger, confusion, sadness, whatever, get it out. there are people in here that are willing and wanting to listen. all you have to do is open up.
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Message 166751 (In Reply to Message 166737)
Posted by dp1
on Nov 07, 2005 03:35 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I've known, loved and respected you for years DTC.....you're a natural victim advocate. I'd like to see you stick around here for a while. There's a true need here and I believe you can help make this place rock.
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Message 166753 (In Reply to Message 166737)
Posted by dp1
on Nov 07, 2005 03:53 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
As a Probation Officer, sometimes I sit on the fence, wondering what side do I belong.
I don't see it that way. It's clear what side I sit on. It's the people sitting on the other side I worry about.
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Message 166760 (In Reply to Message 166753)
Posted by DoTheCrimeDoTheTime
on Nov 07, 2005 06:10 AM | Also by DoTheCrimeDoTheTime
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I will always stand up for the victims. It the constantly changing policies and laws that drive me crazy and may make me appear to be a SO sympathizer.
So, it seems I sit on the pointy end of a picket fence. OUCH!
DTC
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Message 166782 (In Reply to Message 166760)
dp1 and dothecrimedothetime
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 07, 2005 04:20 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
i am glad that you are both here, i feel that both of you will have much to offer. its not possible for any of us to be here 24/7. i have the time probably more than most, since being arrested for driving with out a license. I go to court tomorrow. but it was my bi-polar kicking in and being mad at my husband. no he didn't make me get in the car, but he did make remarks leading up to the end result. I want this just to be a safe haven, where victims can come in and be in a safe haven, with other's who know that they can talk and tell their stories and not worry about being made to feel worse. I know of several people that that has happened too. Me being one of them, and jcami, being another. i just want them to feel like they can be somewhere they don't feel like a vicitim when they post. I hope that you both feel the same.
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Message 166815 (In Reply to Message 166353)
Posted by Valerie
on Nov 07, 2005 07:51 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I am probably the worst one to give this advise but I still know it to be sound...when your not sure about an action or reaction, step back breathe, think about it and then step back and think about it again...we are where we are today for the most part, because of the decisions we made yesterday...sorry about your drivers license...
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Message 166823 (In Reply to Message 166815)
valerie
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 07, 2005 08:27 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
i have been thinking about it, stepping back, and thinking about it, this is something i think would be tranquil for them to become comfortable. I am hoping you agree, if not, i am sorry for that.
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Message 166846 (In Reply to Message 166353)
Posted by Valerie
on Nov 08, 2005 12:54 AM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I agree wholeheartedly
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Message 166863 (In Reply to Message 166782)
Momhelping
Posted by dp1
on Nov 08, 2005 02:23 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
i have the time probably more than most, since being arrested for driving with out a license. I go to court tomorrow.
OMG! I've been PMing with a criminal? Just kidding mom. Please be careful and don't drive to Court tomorrow:-))
All kidding aside, maybe it's time to look at trying to get your license back? Any luck with that?
Good luck in Court. I hope the Judge is fair.
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Message 166902 (In Reply to Message 166863)
dp1
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 08, 2005 01:43 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
no, not as long as i have seizures in my sleep or other times. but that morning my bi-polar kicked in becaue of my hubby. what i should have done is kick is hiney. lol
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Message 166903 (In Reply to Message 166846)
valerie
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 08, 2005 01:45 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
thanks, i would like this to be a place of tranquility of peace
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Message 167114 (In Reply to Message 166411)
deadmomwalking
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Nov 10, 2005 08:32 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
i will tell you what is unfair deadmomwalking, is knowing that i was sat up, all because i went and turned in my stepfather for what he did to my daughter. I will admit that it was my fault for driving, i don't ususally do that. but my family, or so called lack of one made sure i got caught, and put in jail. and their grand daughter or niece could have been with me. i was one block from home, not in the limits of city police, never read my rights, until court yesterday. and its just all to concidental than i can even go into on here. but oh well. i can still walk, although i may get ticketed for jay walking. lol..
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Message 168379 (In Reply to Message 166692)
since my pc has been down i am in shock
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Dec 01, 2005 03:50 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
my pc's power supply has been down and i just got it in yesterday and i am surpised to see the replies in here. I am glad to know that people are posting. I just wanted to let everyone know that i didn't abandon post, it was just me not being able to get online.
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Message 168380 (In Reply to Message 166737)
dothecrimedothetime
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Dec 01, 2005 03:55 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
i am glad to see that you were here in my absense. and thanks for your wonderful post. and yes, sometimes the dog that bites your butt, this is my own way off putting it, can help for some people, but its also a double bladed sword. and Yes by all means, venting is healthy. and it needs to be done, vent, vent vent. If by some chance you don't want a SO, etc, to reply to your post, simply put that in your subject line, but there are some very knowledable and sympathectic ones here and after awhile you will know who they are.
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Message 168870 (In Reply to Message 168380)
Posted by steve
on Dec 08, 2005 04:34 AM | Also by steve
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Virginia,
Country: United States |
If by some chance you don't want a SO, etc, to reply to your post, simply put that in your subject line
But for those unfamiliar with the rules or who haven't been around in a while, note that sex offenders aren't permitted to post in the Victims and Survivors Corner anyway.
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Message 169856 (In Reply to Message 168870)
steve
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Dec 21, 2005 02:38 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
true. but that doesn't always stop them from coming in and taking posts out and putting them in the general forum.
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Message 169925 (In Reply to Message 166353)
A bit Confused...
Posted by ForeverTomorrow
on Dec 23, 2005 01:58 AM | Also by ForeverTomorrow
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Minnesota,
Country: United States |
Well, I suppose I could share my story. I really havent given it much thought. I was in 6th grade when it stopped (I'm in 11th as of now), the cops took me out of class and harrassed me for answers to questions that they would not ask (they just said, "you know what happened, tell us"...I did not know what they were talking about I might add, so I was terrified). I really cant give you a time when it started. I know I was not the only victim however. I do not remember the abuse so I do not know if it has effected me at all (though I'm diagnosed with Post Tramatic Stress Syndrom). I do not however hold this abuse against the person who did it. I forgive it, he's in jail and serving consequences. However, he was also a victim. I'm sure this is quite common. Please do not misunderstand me, I believe what he did was wrong and he doesnt have excuses. I just think that maybe if those who hurt him would have been stopped (because they were girls this wasnt possible, plus this was a long time ago) he might not have continued the path. Just my bit of rambeling, I'd enjoy to hear from anyone back. (Oh, and I have the flu so I'm quite out there at the moment, dont mind me if a lot that I've said doesnt make a lot of sense..)
Oh, and why I posted here. I use the word "victim" because its common. But, I still do believe the lies I was told, though I shall never repeat what they were because they were disturbing.
Also, part of the reason I mentioned that he was a victim is because many wont admit guys can be victims as well.
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Message 170018 (In Reply to Message 169925)
Posted by Valerie
on Dec 24, 2005 06:18 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
welcome ForeverTomorrow, thanks for coming on and sharing some of your background. I am glad you decided to join, its a little slow around here because of the holidays and all but things will start rockin afterwards. You will see on this board that some of us are quite aware of cycles of abuse and they effect everyone differently...welcome again and I hope you get over the flu before Santa arrives....Valerie
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Message 170021 (In Reply to Message 169925)
forevertomorrow
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Dec 24, 2005 08:05 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
my daughter was a victim of sex abuse in the third degree by my step father. he touched her breasts. he did the same thing to me, although i was in my mid 20's and i never dreamed in a million years that he would touch one of my daughters, as he has quite a few grandchildren. I didn't report it when he touched me, i simply went to my mother, and called him at work, with her on the other line listening. My daughter told me a month after it happened to her. I was so mad i can actually say i wanted to kill him was the first thought i had that came up in my mind. but instead, i knew that he was taking care of my brother who would have died without his help and waited a month to do anything about it, and i had a mother who was telling me, give her 30 days, and he would be in jail for a long time, and so much crap, i honestly couldn't think straight. I just knew that i felt like i was letting my daughter down. and i saw her sinking into a depression that i felt responsible for for not taking action. On the last day of May, I reported him to the police, I knew my brother would get his disability because i worked my butt off writing letters to congressman and such to ensure he got it. he has diabettes. and has only 10% usage of his kidneys. that is how sick he was. My mother did everything she could to try and change my mind, even bribe me to drop charges and ensure my two older daughters would have new cars. well when i heard that, without thinking i punched a hole in the wall. I was so proud of my daughter, she told the state police, and social workers what had transpired, that is when it went from sexual assault to sex abuse in 3rd degree. when it went to court, he was sentenced to 30 days with work release, 60 days probation, no contact with my children or me for the next 2 years and is on the registry for the next ten years. I stood up to a parent, my mom that i was deathly afraid of. She, it turns out is more concerned about the things she has than she is her grandchildren. she called here yesterday, and said she had gifts for them, i said well you know where they live. she hung up, (this is after having me put in jail, for having no choice but to drive my daughter to her school bus stop, with no license because of seizure that i have at night). i called her back and asked why she couldn't bring them here and she said i don't want to fight and i said we won't be, she said not you, him. And that is when it dawned on me i guess truly for the first time, what i have known in my heart.. money means more than family to her. she wont come here because of him. i said look, you already kicked me out of the family, my kids, are my family so they are out of yours too. we don't need you or gifts that his money bought. And i felt good for the first time in a long time. You are right, you probably have post traumatic stress, which is something that you should get some counciling for. I urge you to, as i had it to, after being in a tornado. As for this person being a victim himself, that is a pity, but the fact is, he still abused you, and that is something you need to remember, you forgive, but you won't forget. And you are right there are no excuses for what he did, but he is paying for what he did. In fact, in my case, i guess i am more angry at the betrayal of my mother, and that is what is going to be hard for me to work with.
You are right, gender is not a factor when it comes to abuse, of any kind. and i hope that this person learns from what he did, and realizes how what he did was. But at the same time, i hope he is getting right type of councelling for himself, so that when he gets out, he doesn't go back to jail for the same thing.
Welcome to the forum, and please post whenever you are up to it. I have a kidney stone, so you having the flu and i having a kidney stone, we make a sorry mess. LOL!!!!!! And maybe you and my daughter could help each other out since you are the same age, if she is willing, she is trying to put it past her. But hasn't really wanted to talk to anyone older about it. So who knows, maybe, this is what i started this thread for, for teenagers like the two of you, who could come in here and be able to talk to each other. without being bugged by others.
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Message 170169 (In Reply to Message 169925)
Posted by rebel51
on Dec 29, 2005 12:22 PM | Also by rebel51
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: California,
Country: United States |
hello and welcome to the forum. I am glad that you dont feel like a victim! That makes life so much easier. It sounds like you felt that the police were more abusive than the person that was doing the abusing. I think that sometimes the police should have to bring in people that are used to dealing with the children of abuse rather than trying to deal with the children themselves.
When I was about 20 I had a son that died...the police had no clue how to handle someone who had just lost a child..the officer that took me off by myself did everything but accuse me of killing the child, I spent the next few days thinking that I was going to be arrested. Yes, sometimes the police need expert help with the people they deal with that are NOT criminals!
I am very sorry that you had to go thru that as a child!
I am also glad that you have decieded to end the cycle of abuse and hate by forgiving..that is one of the things I have the most trouble with. keep up the good work and I hope that you feel all better now and you have a good New Years.
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Thread
166353, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 03, 2005 08:34 PM [All Victims and Families, advocates, a...]
166411, deadmomwalking, Nov 04, 2005 03:22 AM
166457, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 04, 2005 03:55 PM [deadmomwalking and dp1]
166511, dp1, Nov 05, 2005 03:20 AM [Momhelping]
166633, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 06, 2005 12:11 AM [dp1]
167114, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 10, 2005 08:32 PM [deadmomwalking]
166429, Navigatr1, Nov 04, 2005 12:46 PM [On Right Track]
166458, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 04, 2005 03:56 PM [navigatr1]
166449, dp1, Nov 04, 2005 03:27 PM
166454, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 04, 2005 03:51 PM [i need to make a correction]
166456, anti, Nov 04, 2005 03:54 PM [cool...]
166634, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 06, 2005 12:13 AM [anti]
166684, Valerie, Nov 06, 2005 05:48 PM
166688, PVulcan, Nov 06, 2005 06:06 PM
166693, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 06, 2005 06:19 PM [PVulcan]
166690, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 06, 2005 06:11 PM [valerie]
166692, Valerie, Nov 06, 2005 06:19 PM
168379, momhelpingbyherself, Dec 01, 2005 03:50 PM [since my pc has been down i am ...]
166737, DoTheCrimeDoTheTime, Nov 07, 2005 01:46 AM [Sitting on The Fence]
166744, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 07, 2005 03:10 AM [dothecrimedothetime]
166751, dp1, Nov 07, 2005 03:35 AM
166753, dp1, Nov 07, 2005 03:53 AM
166760, DoTheCrimeDoTheTime, Nov 07, 2005 06:10 AM
166782, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 07, 2005 04:20 PM [dp1 and dothecrimedothetime]
166863, dp1, Nov 08, 2005 02:23 AM [Momhelping]
166902, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 08, 2005 01:43 PM [dp1]
168380, momhelpingbyherself, Dec 01, 2005 03:55 PM [dothecrimedothetime]
168870, steve, Dec 08, 2005 04:34 AM
169856, momhelpingbyherself, Dec 21, 2005 02:38 PM [steve]
166815, Valerie, Nov 07, 2005 07:51 PM
166823, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 07, 2005 08:27 PM [valerie]
166846, Valerie, Nov 08, 2005 12:54 AM
166903, momhelpingbyherself, Nov 08, 2005 01:45 PM [valerie]
169925, ForeverTomorrow, Dec 23, 2005 01:58 AM [A bit Confused...]
170018, Valerie, Dec 24, 2005 06:18 PM
170021, momhelpingbyherself, Dec 24, 2005 08:05 PM [forevertomorrow]
170169, rebel51, Dec 29, 2005 12:22 PM
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