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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): Introduction
Message 165021
Posted by kids1st
on Oct 19, 2005 07:04 PM | Also by kids1st
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: Alabama,
Country: United States |
Hi everyone! I just wanted to greet everyone and thank you guys for giving me an opportunity to join this forum. I joined because I really just needed somewhere that I could talk to others who have experienced the same thing that I have and know what it's like to deal being a victim and survivor. I have only posted a few times because I am just getting a feel for things. a couple of those posts were picked apart, but that's okay. I have learned to handle whatever may come my way.
I was sexually abused at nine-years-old by a friend of the family. He was never convicted and went on to molest many other children. There was an eye-witness who walked in and caught him in the process. So, if the case had ever went to trial, he may have been convicted. But as this was over thirty years ago, the punishment would probably have been less than the slap on the wrists given today. This man abused many children in his life-time including his own son, his wife's two sister's, myself, my sister and other children he came in contact with.
He was never convicted of a crime because when I was younger there was not very much being done about the sexual abuse of children. In my case, the reason it never went to trial was because the system took such a long time to get the case on a docket. It was almost two years before a court date was set in the case. When my mother was contacted about the court date, she said that she did not want to pursue the case as the process had been too slow and she did not want me to have to deal with the issue again.
See, I did a very good job of hiding my feelings. I never talked about what happened and never let anyone see that inside I was a raging ball of fury and fear! I made very good grades in school and hid myself in my studies and reading books. I had never been one to "play" as I was more interested in reading and writing. So everyone just assumed that I was fine.
I know my mother made what she felt was the best decision for me and I have never blamed her for not pursuing the case. I do know that with hindsight, she would have made a very different decision.
And I think I really did very well until I became a teenager and really understood what had happened and the significance of it. I finally understood that this man had taken a life-changing decision from me that is one of the most important decisions a person will make in their lives. My innocence had been stolen at a time when children were still innocent and did not know the facts of life when they started kindergarten. Children knew basic body differences if they were taught, but not many knew what sex was or the important role it would play on their lives.
So, in my early teens, as I was trying to deal with this alone (but only because I chose to - my parents were the most supportive and understanding parents a child could hope for!) the full impact of what this man had taken from me was realized. I had lived with years of fear for my mother's life because I had "told". Inside, I freaked out each time she went somewhere and I could not see her. Back then, the importance of counselling for abuse victim's was not stressed as it is today.
So, along with my studies, I found a new escape route. Drugs (this was the seventies after all) and alcohol. I started sneaking out my window at night, always seeking the next opportunity for a "smoke". I put myself in some very dangerous situations because I just didn't care whether I lived or died. Thinking back now to some of the situations I put myself in, I know that I am truly blessed and that although I had strayed way off the course, my God never left my side. He was there to protect me from the dangerous elements and situations, although I did not realize it at the time. By the time I was 15, I was an alcoholic. I could not start my day without a drink (which I kept hidden in secret places around our house). I took alcohol to school with me in a small thermos (how I never got caught with it, I'll never know). My group of "friends" met behind our school in a wooded area and had our "get the day started smoke".
Through all the partying and nights spent in places i never should have been, somehow, I managed to maintain my good grades. How I did this, I will never know!
Anyway, I don't want to bore you guys too much, so I'll tell you this. I have come a long way from the scared little girl that I let take over my life! I quit drinking many years ago, quit smoking pot many years ago. It has been a long, hard road and I have had such a wonderful support system. I could never had gotten through this without God, my wonderful parents, and my sisters and brother.
Now, I am the proud mother of three beautiful daughters and two beautiful granddaughters. I love these girls so much, and I will always be grateful to God for what he has given me and for the times he protected me when I had left him behind!
And now, I am having to deal with a new issue. One of my daughters was sexually abused by a family member from "as long as I can remember" (her words) until I became aware of the situation when she was eight years old. But that is a very long story and I will not get into it in this post. But it has "sent me for a loop" and I am really having a hard time dealing with it. I will not turn to drugs or alcohol, so I thought that being able to talk to people in a forum such as this would greatly help.
Thanks for the opportunity to share and I hope I didn't bore you guys too much. I didn't mean to be so long-winded.
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Message 165057 (In Reply to Message 165021)
Posted by dp1
on Oct 20, 2005 02:49 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Hi Kids1st. I just wanted to welcome you to this forum. Feel free to PM me anytime.
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Message 165073 (In Reply to Message 165057)
Posted by 1dadof5
on Oct 20, 2005 04:30 AM | Also by 1dadof5
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Indiana,
Country: United States |
welcome. i hope you can get some support and assistance to get through this darkness that has come into your life. Its good to hear that you havent turned back to drugs or alcohol as you child needs you to be strong and supportive right now
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Message 165077 (In Reply to Message 165021)
Posted by youtoo
on Oct 20, 2005 05:50 AM | Also by youtoo
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Missouri,
Country: United States |
Hello kids 1st,
Do not beat yourself up for what you may preceive as your failure to protect your child. I hope you can talk to a good therapist for those like yourself who lived in and through the era of the child does not need therapy if they seem ok, it is better to let them forget. They are now learning that for many the ability to see the signs of abuse in their own children, or close loved ones was stolen, that is the simple way to put it. Many although not all who lived through being abused during that time and even later, then for whatever reason not getting therapy for the abuse, can not see the signs of abuse in others that are close because it means tearing the scab off unhealed wounds. The mind in order to protect gives one blinders so to speak. It is just another of the many long term effects of abuse that are just now being learned. You would be shocked to know of how many mother's with a history of abuse, without therapy as a child, in their pasts have a child who is abused. I will try to find the excacte figures for you however it is very close to 25%.
I am sure like most survivors you vowed that this will never happen to my children, and when you found out it had you felt like a complete failure as a mother. Just know that the lack of therapy when you where a child more than likely had a direct bearing on why you did not know or see, and that is not your fault, as a child you could not have possibly known how to demand therapy at that time.
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Message 165089 (In Reply to Message 165077)
Posted by kids1st
on Oct 20, 2005 01:43 PM | Also by kids1st
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Alabama,
Country: United States |
Therapy is such an important part of the healing process. My mom felt so guilty because she did not know that therapy was necessary for me. Although, when my parents discovered how I had really been affected by what happened, they were so supportive and are to this day.
And yes, I vowed that I would never let anything like that happen to one of my beautiful girls. And when it did, I was absolutely stunned! I thought I was watching them close enough - never left them alone with anyone I didn't know. Getting to know their friends parents and who would be present when they played with friends. All of the things we do to protect our babies!
And then to find out that someone in my husband's family was really the one I had to worry about! I have had to "fight" his whole family in order to keep my children away from him. It has been pure H*ll!!
I appreciate the comments and the concern. I know that somehow, with God's help, and the help of people like you guys, I will survive this and so will my daughter!
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Message 165090 (In Reply to Message 165057)
Posted by kids1st
on Oct 20, 2005 01:44 PM | Also by kids1st
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Alabama,
Country: United States |
Thanks so much!
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Message 165092 (In Reply to Message 165073)
1dadof5
Posted by kids1st
on Oct 20, 2005 01:50 PM | Also by kids1st
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Alabama,
Country: United States |
Thanks. I will never let myself turn back to drugs or alcohol. Although it has been very hard not to at times, I will continue to let God control that!
But, I have went from one pack of cigarettes a day to between two and three. I don't know id that is much better!
Sometimes, I do think - Man, if I just smoked a little weed with someone I could forget for a while. But then I remember that if I am high, I will have no control over my actions and my children are too inportant to me to risk that. Besides, the problem will still be there when the high wears off, so it would just be a waste of time!
Thanks for your kind words!
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Message 165168 (In Reply to Message 165021)
Posted by Valerie
on Oct 21, 2005 12:20 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Hi and welcome...I am sure your still in shock because you were blindsighted by this person...I hope you take the lessons learned from your own story and apply to your daughters. Did you press charges against this person?
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Message 165373 (In Reply to Message 165168)
Posted by kids1st
on Oct 24, 2005 01:20 PM | Also by kids1st
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Alabama,
Country: United States |
Yes, I pressed charges, but they were later dropped (just as my Mom had to do). I would like to explain this to everyone, but it will be a super long post and I will need to get my thoughts together. Before anyone can even begin to understand this story, they will need background information on my husband's family (backwoods, hillbilly family with four boys who are still attached to their mother's umbilical cord! - kinda get the picture?)
My husband has one brother who has had 4 failed marriages due to his mother's interference and she is working on his 5th!
He has one brother who has moved away from the family and will have nothing to do with anyone (except for myself and my husband). He won't even talk to his mom anymore because he has one failed marriage due to her interference, and he moved away to keep her out of his current marriage.
My husband has come a long way, and has cut the umbilical cord (finally), but he still has a long way to go. (I guess I am just stubborn and will not give up on him.) (Most people think I should have left long ago.)
Then there is the molester brother. He still lives with Mommy and since their dad's death, they act more like a married couple that mother and son.(????)
And then, there's me! No one in this family likes me (they only tolerate me because I am married to one of them) because I rock the boat. I refuse to be totally dominated by my husband and I refuse to let him abuse my children in the guise of discipline. I talk back (his mother's words because I don't feel I am talking back since he is not my parent and I am grown.) I don't jump when he barks. And the worst offense of mine - I don't take crap from their mother and I have been known to tell her exactly what I think of her!
They grew up in a very abusive atmosphere (with my husband taking the brunt of the abuse) and a mother who didn't have the balls to stand up and protect her children because she had been taught that the man is the head of the household and you don't talk back or disagree with anything he says. (I just can't imagine myself acting like this! Not in this lifetime!)
Anyway, she was told when to go to bed, when she could read (never, because according to him, she had more important things to do), who she could talk to, etc., etc. She allowed him to totally dominate her because she says that is what the Bible tells a woman to do.?. I've never gotten that meaning from the section about the man being head of the household.
Anyway, this is the weirdest family I have ever seen in my life, and I have nothing to do with most of them. I just wanted to give you an idea of what I am dealing with before I tell you the story of my daughter's abuse.
And also, I think that I am having to take baby steps with this for my sake, so please bear with me!
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Message 165466 (In Reply to Message 165373)
kids1st
Posted by 1dadof5
on Oct 26, 2005 03:15 AM | Also by 1dadof5
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Indiana,
Country: United States |
(backwoods, hillbilly family with four boys who are still attached to their mother's umbilical cord! - kinda get the picture?)
Oh my gosh, girl. I SOOOO know what you mean!!! I have an element of my extended family on my mom’s side (her brothers and sisters) that are JUST LIKE THAT. My mom married my dad to get away from them. She is the only one who even had a chance. The rest I have tried to just stay clear of as much as possible. They all get pregnant by 15 and I have one cousin that didn’t even know what an ATM machine was until my wife explained it to him!
Growing up, It was fear of not wanting to be like that which caused me to drive myself despite being sexually abused myself. They still don’t grasp the concept that my wife is a postal inspector, you know, her own career, friends and life and that we both can do our own things and still be married(im away from home a lot). You’re right, the woman is supposed to “serve the man” in their twisted thinking.
You gotta stay away from the temptations when it comes to smoking a joint or having a drink, because all it takes is one slide to get things going backwards. You have to be at the top of your game at all times. Be the one who is in control.
The message we need to get out is that, unfortunately, you even need to check up and keep an eye on family members as they are the single biggest risk to sexually abuse your child.
You can bet when I do have to go to events involving “that” side of the family, Im especially watchful of a certain uncle around my 2 daughters as he has always given me the creeps (he is WAAY to touchy- feely).
Anyway, keep your chin up
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Message 165467 (In Reply to Message 165466)
Posted by PVulcan
on Oct 26, 2005 03:20 AM | Also by PVulcan
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
You said you have family members that 'all get pregnant by 15", isn't it you that impregnated a 15 y.o girl when you were an adult?
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Message 165543 (In Reply to Message 165467)
Posted by 1dadof5
on Oct 26, 2005 11:42 PM | Also by 1dadof5
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Indiana,
Country: United States |
Im glad you have such a great memory Pvulcan. Yes, I did impregnate a 15 year old when I was 21 years old. BUT, let us all remember that this happened in the USSR where that was perfectly LEGAL and still is in 64 countries including our neighbors in Canada and Mexico and 6 states right here. You also remember that I still have a close relationship with her and my lovely daughter.
What happens in Hillbilly country would give you and some others a fatal heart attack
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Message 165563 (In Reply to Message 165543)
dad
Posted by myoung
on Oct 27, 2005 07:11 AM | Also by myoung
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
What happens in Hillbilly country would give you and some others a fatal heart attack
That is way too true!! I live in the Pocono Mountains of PA and it was supposedly settled by the Cunnerman (sp??) family. To be called a Cunnerman up here is like an insult because they were a very inbred, incestuous family.....YUK Not to mention that DuBois, PA is the incest capitol of PA. You know...out by Erie, PA...kinda like visiting the higher elevations in the Ozarks...hehe Did you see the movie Wrong Turn? It's set in Virginia and gives a whole new meaning to back woods inbreeds....SCARY
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Message 165697 (In Reply to Message 165466)
Posted by kids1st
on Oct 28, 2005 06:09 AM | Also by kids1st
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Alabama,
Country: United States |
That's my brother-in-law! Way too touchy-feely, so please watch thosebabies closely.
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Message 165699 (In Reply to Message 165563)
Posted by kids1st
on Oct 28, 2005 06:12 AM | Also by kids1st
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Alabama,
Country: United States |
And here I thought I had the scoop on all the hillbillies! In Alabama, a girl can marry (usually her cousin) at the age of thirteen!
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Message 165713 (In Reply to Message 165467)
PVulcan
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Oct 28, 2005 02:24 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
Yes it was, but he justifies it because it was in another country. Still, what is the difference, a minor is a minor. Regardless. just my opinion
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Message 165714 (In Reply to Message 165543)
1dadof5
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Oct 28, 2005 02:26 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
sounds to me like you are the ultimate hillbilly in today's society. I know that in my world, this is so immoral, no matter what world or country i would happen to live in, but then again, i guess its just my good sense and pride in myself.
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Message 165715 (In Reply to Message 165563)
myyoung
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Oct 28, 2005 02:27 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
well being that i am from Pa. I am glad that i came from a more civilized part. Home of the Steelers.
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Message 165767 (In Reply to Message 165563)
Posted by rebel51
on Oct 29, 2005 02:38 PM | Also by rebel51
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: California,
Country: United States |
Hello and welcome to the forum kid.
Reading your post was almost like taking a page out of mine, other than when you got to the part where you found that one of your own had been molested, thank God above I have NEVER had to live thru that. I was molested from about 4 to about 12 by several uncles and then raped at about 15 by a stranger. I went thru the drugs as a teenager and I also became a tramp because "what difference did it make I'm not a virgin anyway!"
My molesters were also never prosecuted but not because of any legal reasons..mine were not prosecuted because they "were family" and so it was swept under the rug and forgotten and never ever talked about! It was a whole nother world back then! I also never had any therapy..a therapist was said to be someone who thought that "everyone hates thier mother and secretly wants to sleep with thier father" So God forbid even thinking about going to see one...plus that only the people in Hollywood did stuff like that!!
So I know what you are going thru and you WILL make it the same as your daughter will make it! She has you to go to and you have been there! So what better references could you have? I dont feel that you will turn to drugs or alcohol because you are stronger than that..you proved it the first time you gave it up. While your child needs you, there is no way that you would fail to be there in heart, body, soul AND mind. As a survivor you will help your daughter to become a survivor and my Prayers will be there for you for moral support.
Good Luck and I applaud you standing up to your Mother-in-law she sounds like she needs it! I had (she died, awwwww!) a mother-in-law that told me to my face on my wedding day what she thought of me...she did not like the fact that I had married her "baby" awwww!
Shes dead and I am still married to "her baby" soooo I WIN!!
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Message 165787 (In Reply to Message 165767)
rebel51
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Oct 29, 2005 06:13 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
i understand how you feel about mother in laws cause i had the worst of them all. but to be glad that she is dead, i don't think will help in this situation, at least not the way you put it. with a lot of sarcasam. you sounded like you were tearing her apart. i know how she feels. its family regardless wheather or not its hers or his. and she has to deal with it. she feels betrayed, and it seems like you were making a mockery of it. just my opinion. only because i had to go against my mother and her husband.
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Message 166410 (In Reply to Message 165021)
Posted by Valerie
on Nov 04, 2005 03:19 AM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
You need to distance yourself from that family once and for all...no good will come from their interaction to your life and the lives of your children...I am curious as to what your husband says about this abuse to your daughter?
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Thread
165021, kids1st, Oct 19, 2005 07:04 PM
165057, dp1, Oct 20, 2005 02:49 AM
165073, 1dadof5, Oct 20, 2005 04:30 AM
165092, kids1st, Oct 20, 2005 01:50 PM [1dadof5]
165090, kids1st, Oct 20, 2005 01:44 PM
165077, youtoo, Oct 20, 2005 05:50 AM
165089, kids1st, Oct 20, 2005 01:43 PM
165168, Valerie, Oct 21, 2005 12:20 PM
165373, kids1st, Oct 24, 2005 01:20 PM
165466, 1dadof5, Oct 26, 2005 03:15 AM [kids1st]
165467, PVulcan, Oct 26, 2005 03:20 AM
165543, 1dadof5, Oct 26, 2005 11:42 PM
165563, myoung, Oct 27, 2005 07:11 AM [dad]
165699, kids1st, Oct 28, 2005 06:12 AM
165715, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 28, 2005 02:27 PM [myyoung]
165767, rebel51, Oct 29, 2005 02:38 PM
165787, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 29, 2005 06:13 PM [rebel51]
165714, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 28, 2005 02:26 PM [1dadof5]
165713, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 28, 2005 02:24 PM [PVulcan]
165697, kids1st, Oct 28, 2005 06:09 AM
166410, Valerie, Nov 04, 2005 03:19 AM
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