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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): Introduction

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Message 165077 (In Reply to Message 165021)

Posted by youtoo on Oct 20, 2005 05:50 AM | Also by youtoo

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: 50 - 59, State: Missouri, Country: United States

Hello kids 1st,

Do not beat yourself up for what you may preceive as your failure to protect your child. I hope you can talk to a good therapist for those like yourself who lived in and through the era of the child does not need therapy if they seem ok, it is better to let them forget. They are now learning that for many the ability to see the signs of abuse in their own children, or close loved ones was stolen, that is the simple way to put it. Many although not all who lived through being abused during that time and even later, then for whatever reason not getting therapy for the abuse, can not see the signs of abuse in others that are close because it means tearing the scab off unhealed wounds. The mind in order to protect gives one blinders so to speak. It is just another of the many long term effects of abuse that are just now being learned. You would be shocked to know of how many mother's with a history of abuse, without therapy as a child, in their pasts have a child who is abused. I will try to find the excacte figures for you however it is very close to 25%.

I am sure like most survivors you vowed that this will never happen to my children, and when you found out it had you felt like a complete failure as a mother. Just know that the lack of therapy when you where a child more than likely had a direct bearing on why you did not know or see, and that is not your fault, as a child you could not have possibly known how to demand therapy at that time.

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Message 165021

Posted by kids1st on Oct 19, 2005 07:04 PM | Also by kids1st

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: 40 - 49, State: Alabama, Country: United States

Hi everyone! I just wanted to greet everyone and thank you guys for giving me an opportunity to join this forum. I joined because I really just needed somewhere that I could talk to others who have experienced the same thing that I have and know what it's like to deal being a victim and survivor. I have only posted a few times because I am just getting a feel for things. a couple of those posts were picked apart, but that's okay. I have learned to handle whatever may come my way.

I was sexually abused at nine-years-old by a friend of the family. He was never convicted and went on to molest many other children. There was an eye-witness who walked in and caught him in the process. So, if the case had ever went to trial, he may have been convicted. But as this was over thirty years ago, the punishment would probably have been less than the slap on the wrists given today. This man abused many children in his life-time including his own son, his wife's two sister's, myself, my sister and other children he came in contact with. 
       He was never convicted of a crime because when I was younger there was not very much being done about the sexual abuse of children. In my case, the reason it never went to trial was because the system took such a long time to get the case on a docket. It was almost two years before a court date was set in the case. When my mother was contacted about the court date, she said that she did not want to pursue the case as the process had been too slow and she did not want me to have to deal with the issue again. 
       See, I did a very good job of hiding my feelings. I never talked about what happened and never let anyone see that inside I was a raging ball of fury and fear! I made very good grades in school and hid myself in my studies and reading books. I had never been one to "play" as I was more interested in reading and writing. So everyone just assumed that I was fine. 
     I know my mother made what she felt was the best decision for me and I have never blamed her for not pursuing the case. I do know that with hindsight, she would have made a very different decision. 
       And I think I really did very well until I became a teenager and really understood what had happened and the significance of it. I finally understood that this man had taken a life-changing decision from me that is one of the most important decisions a person will make in their lives. My innocence had been stolen at a time when children were still innocent and did not know the facts of life when they started kindergarten. Children knew basic body differences if they were taught, but not many knew what sex was or the important role it would play on their lives.

So, in my early teens, as I was trying to deal with this alone (but only because I chose to - my parents were the most supportive and understanding parents a child could hope for!) the full impact of what this man had taken from me was realized. I had lived with years of fear for my mother's life because I had "told". Inside, I freaked out each time she went somewhere and I could not see her. Back then, the importance of counselling for abuse victim's was not stressed as it is today.

So, along with my studies, I found a new escape route. Drugs (this was the seventies after all) and alcohol. I started sneaking out my window at night, always seeking the next opportunity for a "smoke". I put myself in some very dangerous situations because I just didn't care whether I lived or died. Thinking back now to some of the situations I put myself in, I know that I am truly blessed and that although I had strayed way off the course, my God never left my side. He was there to protect me from the dangerous elements and situations, although I did not realize it at the time. By the time I was 15, I was an alcoholic. I could not start my day without a drink (which I kept hidden in secret places around our house). I took alcohol to school with me in a small thermos (how I never got caught with it, I'll never know). My group of "friends" met behind our school in a wooded area and had our "get the day started smoke".

Through all the partying and nights spent in places i never should have been, somehow, I managed to maintain my good grades. How I did this, I will never know!

Anyway, I don't want to bore you guys too much, so I'll tell you this. I have come a long way from the scared little girl that I let take over my life! I quit drinking many years ago, quit smoking pot many years ago. It has been a long, hard road and I have had such a wonderful support system. I could never had gotten through this without God, my wonderful parents, and my sisters and brother.

Now, I am the proud mother of three beautiful daughters and two beautiful granddaughters. I love these girls so much, and I will always be grateful to God for what he has given me and for the times he protected me when I had left him behind!

And now, I am having to deal with a new issue. One of my daughters was sexually abused by a family member from "as long as I can remember" (her words) until I became aware of the situation when she was eight years old. But that is a very long story and I will not get into it in this post. But it has "sent me for a loop" and I am really having a hard time dealing with it. I will not turn to drugs or alcohol, so I thought that being able to talk to people in a forum such as this would greatly help.

Thanks for the opportunity to share and I hope I didn't bore you guys too much. I didn't mean to be so long-winded.

Thread

165021, kids1st, Oct 19, 2005 07:04 PM
      165057, dp1, Oct 20, 2005 02:49 AM
            165073, 1dadof5, Oct 20, 2005 04:30 AM
                  165092, kids1st, Oct 20, 2005 01:50 PM [1dadof5]
            165090, kids1st, Oct 20, 2005 01:44 PM
      165077, youtoo, Oct 20, 2005 05:50 AM
            165089, kids1st, Oct 20, 2005 01:43 PM
      165168, Valerie, Oct 21, 2005 12:20 PM
            165373, kids1st, Oct 24, 2005 01:20 PM
                  165466, 1dadof5, Oct 26, 2005 03:15 AM [kids1st]
                        165467, PVulcan, Oct 26, 2005 03:20 AM
                              165543, 1dadof5, Oct 26, 2005 11:42 PM
                                    165563, myoung, Oct 27, 2005 07:11 AM [dad]
                                          165699, kids1st, Oct 28, 2005 06:12 AM
                                          165715, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 28, 2005 02:27 PM [myyoung]
                                          165767, rebel51, Oct 29, 2005 02:38 PM
                                                165787, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 29, 2005 06:13 PM [rebel51]
                                    165714, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 28, 2005 02:26 PM [1dadof5]
                              165713, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 28, 2005 02:24 PM [PVulcan]
                        165697, kids1st, Oct 28, 2005 06:09 AM
      166410, Valerie, Nov 04, 2005 03:19 AM

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Sex Offender Registries, Sex Offenders Search, News, Info and Discussion

Forum: Victims and Survivors CornerThread (Discussion): Introduction

Message 165077 (In Reply to Message 165021)

Message 165021

Thread

Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): Introduction