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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): Safety in the Victim's Forum - to all
Message 164955
Replies from RSO's not welcome
Posted by deadmomwalking
on Oct 18, 2005 10:15 PM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
I think if posts like the one Orolan just posted to jcami (Message 164896 (In Reply to Message 164873), in spite of the the current discussion going on about victims finding RSO's comments offensive, are permitted in this forum there is no point in having a Victim Forum at all. The issue is not whether what jcami says in the truth, not the truth or only her perception of the truth. The issue is that an SO can come into the Victim's Forum, attack, deride, insult, twist the words of a poster and basically accuse them of lying.
My hope was that this Forum could continue without restrictions on the type of users who post, and that we could simply ask people to respectful. But one post like Orolan's in the Victim's Forum and you might as well forget it. If I had seen something like that in the Victim's Forum when I had come here, I would have quickly gone elsewhere. I had enough misery in my life. Why would I post about the most terrible and harrowing thing that had happened to my family; why would I expose my rawest grief and doubts and guilt if I thought my post could be picked up by some sex criminals, torn apart, mocked and be accused of lying. I guess, Steve, you have to decide. I do think it is useful to have a forum where all parties who have an interest in this issue can talk, debate, even fight. But if you truly want there to be a part of this site where victims and survivors can talk without fear about the things that have torn their lives apart , in safety, then I don't think merely even sticking disclaimers on posts or asking people to be respectful is going to work. In a way I am glad Orolan posted as he did because it proves my point. I think this forum should be for Victims, their loved ones and their supporters only. If an RSO wants to actually help or support a Victim and not just try and make themselves look good or show off their amazing ability to make a poster look like an idiot then they can PM the victim. When I came here the people who helped me most were people who PM'd me - you know who you are, and I thank you. Some were other victims - but not all. If Victims want comments from everybody they can post to the General Forum.
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Message 164957 (In Reply to Message 164955)
Posted by babs
on Oct 18, 2005 11:59 PM | Also by babs
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: New Jersey,
Country: United States |
I agree. I'm new here and I'm still unsure if I'm comfortable posting. I've written a few things and erased them because of the fear of being torn apart like I've read. I've written my story so some of you can get to know me and where I stand, but I've erased that too. I have 4 children and a very busy life, I don't have time for therapy or anything of the sort. The only time I have is after everyone is in bed. I've been looking for somewhere to talk. I don't feel comfy with this being the place to do so. I'm hoping that somehow there can be a private place for victims and survivors. Just my thoughts.
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Message 164961 (In Reply to Message 164955)
Posted by Valerie
on Oct 19, 2005 01:23 AM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I doubt I am the only one...you click on "recent post" and the list comes up, even though the various forums are listed, I have noticed on more than one occation that you just automatically reply to some post without acknowleging the forum.....I am not saying thats what happened ....and God forbid I defend Orolan these days...but that might have been what happened...he''s normally harsh, but not usually in the victims forum......
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Message 164976 (In Reply to Message 164957)
Posted by dp1
on Oct 19, 2005 02:19 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Welcome to the forum babs. I agree with everything you said. I hope one day the victims will feel comfortable and get the support they deserve. I'm all for discussions between victims and offenders, however, I can respect that sometimes it's just not appropriate.
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Message 164977 (In Reply to Message 164957)
Babs, let's talk
Posted by deadmomwalking
on Oct 19, 2005 02:30 AM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
You are welcome to PM me. I could use someone to talk to about stuff too. None of these issues are simple and it really does help to have someone to talk to who knows where you are coming from. I feel safe enough talking about general issues here, but I am very leery about posting personal stuff for fear of attack.
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Message 165010 (In Reply to Message 164977)
Posted by dp1
on Oct 19, 2005 03:40 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
No comments from offenders or their supporters are welcomed in this post. Period.
I find the victim’s forum disturbing most of the time. The main reason is because of the vulnerability of the forum due to the lack of clear goals or true support for victims. It angers me that we continue to have these discussions about who should be allowed. I mean no disrespect to anyone, but we don’t have to be rocket scientists to figure out that there’s a big difference between victims and survivors. All anyone has to do is pull up the front page of the forums and look at the number of posts and threads for each forum. Obviously, there are far more victims in this world than there are offenders yet there’s only a fraction of posts in this forum compared to the other forums. Clearly, the victim’s forum is not for victims, it’s for survivors. This forum is dysfunctional, plain and simple. For this forum to rock we have to give top priority to victims for a change.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why there’s an off-topic forum. There is nothing more important in this world when dealing with sexual abuse than addressing victim issues. The fact that it’s even possible to divert attention from victims on this forum is repulsive to me.
Having said that, there’s only one way to resolve this impasse in my opinion. The victim’s forum should be for victims (only), and the survivor’s forum should be for survivors (mixed bag). If Steve has to cut corners by taking the off-topic forum already created and convert it to a victim’s forum then so be it. I do not mean to offend anyone by slamming his or her off-topic issues, but quite frankly I’m weird that way. I’d prefer to give the respect, time and energy to our victims who’ve suffered long, hard and silently the space they need to grow, learn, and heal. I’m appalled at the mere thought that a victim feels as though they have to sneak around and PM another victim/supporter for help. If this isn’t a big red flag waving in the wind I don’t know what is.
I applaud some of our most vocal victims that have the courage to speak out on this very important issue. I would be more than willing to do research and post articles, studies or websites of interest for victims if we get a victims forum. I have little to no interest in power struggles or debates on whether or not we should give victim’s the time of day around this place. The answer is simple. Just do it and get over it. As far as I’m concerned if someone else doesn’t like the idea of having an exclusive victim’s forum we could send them tissues for their issues. We’ve put up with all sorts of whining from everyone else on this forum, it’s darn time we focus our energy more constructively by getting our priorities in order.
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Message 165017 (In Reply to Message 164957)
about orlons comments
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Oct 19, 2005 04:58 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
you all know that Orlon and i do not get along. But he did post a rather lengthy apology to jcami, which made almost fall out of the chair in shock. He also did state that he would never post in the forum again. As many times as orlon and i have battled, and as new as i am, he was rude and his comments were so rude, but after reading his apology. i do feel that he meant the apology completely and do believe he wont be back in there. and for me to say that about orlon, you know i must be in a state of shock after reading it. but he did the right thing, this time, and did apologise. just my opinion
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Message 165018 (In Reply to Message 164977)
babs and deadmomwalking
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Oct 19, 2005 05:02 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
that goes for me too, and please don't either of you be mad at me for sticking up for orlon on this one thing. because he did make a rather lengthy apology. and as much as i disliked his comments, i do believe he was sincere when he apologised. but like you i don't feel comfortable enough posting private stuff in the open. i will even give you both my email addys. that way we know its safer. by the way my name is alaina
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Message 165056 (In Reply to Message 164961)
Posted by dp1
on Oct 20, 2005 02:46 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
No offense Val, but I'm not into making excuses for RSO comments in the victim's forum. This has been an on-going issue that has not been resolved. There's no excuse. Either we care about victims or we don't. If we have become so calloused that we're indifferent towards creating a safe environment for them to post in then what's the real point in this smokescreen forum with the word "victim" in it?
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Message 165071 (In Reply to Message 165056)
Posted by 1dadof5
on Oct 20, 2005 04:21 AM | Also by 1dadof5
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Indiana,
Country: United States |
I think the warning that steve has should be enough. I do not think we need to add another victims forum to the site as we already have one. As a general rule, this portion of the site doesnt get alot of traffic. All that needs to happen is for everyone to just be considerate of others and thier feelings. Victims and survivors should not be afraid to post in this forum. RSOs should not speak or make comments that are not appropriate if they choose to post as this does nothing to help victims/survivors feel comfortable.
I personally gain insight and benefit from both sides of the table
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Message 165081 (In Reply to Message 165071)
Posted by dp1
on Oct 20, 2005 07:51 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Victims and survivors should not be afraid to post in this forum.
I agree. Since they are afraid and have been saying that for quite some time now why should we continue to ignor them? This is totally ridiculous.
RSOs should not speak or make comments that are not appropriate if they choose to post as this does nothing to help victims/survivors feel comfortable.
Correct. RSOs should not re-offend, have contact with children while they are on probation or make rude comments, but they do. So let's get on with and start helping the victims, shall we?
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Message 165085 (In Reply to Message 164961)
Posted by steve
on Oct 20, 2005 12:13 PM | Also by steve
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Virginia,
Country: United States |
I doubt I am the only one...you click on "recent post" and the list comes up, even though the various forums are listed, I have noticed on more than one occation that you just automatically reply to some post without acknowleging the forum
Valerie, that's a good point. I think it would be helpful to add the forum name to the top of the page for any post in the forums so I am adding that to my to-do list.
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Message 165109 (In Reply to Message 165085)
to all
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Oct 20, 2005 03:55 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
first i want to say i am not a support of SO's pedophiles and i am not a supporter. But, i am starting to become a little more open minded. Now mind you, the remark that orlon made to jcami, was way off base, but, before i responded, in my normally smart a@@ way, i finished reading all the posts first. At the end, he did, and i swear i did nearly fall of the chair, say he was sorry, and that he wouldn't ever post in that forum again. I have been here long enough for some posters to jump all over me for getting angry, repeating things to try and get my post across, which i am not a good person to just be able to come right out and say it in a short way, so it seems argumentative. and everyone knows that orlon and i have crossed paths on more than one occassion. But for orlon to say he was sorry in a very lengthy apology, like i said, i nearly fell out of my chair. I hope that this post is allowed to go through. because as a victims mother, who was having nightmares, a pedophile who didn't act out on that helped me, and i haven't had any more night mares. so i guess i have am still here for the victims, but now, i know that in certain areas, i can private message certain people that i do feel comfortable with, just not in an open forum to ask for help or advise on what is going on in my mind.
just my opinion. i was going to leave this registry, but a very smart person, who knows who she is told me to hang in, because i do have alot to offer, and i hope this is what she meant.
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Thread
164955, deadmomwalking, Oct 18, 2005 10:15 PM [Replies from RSO's not welcome]
164957, babs, Oct 18, 2005 11:59 PM
164976, dp1, Oct 19, 2005 02:19 AM
164977, deadmomwalking, Oct 19, 2005 02:30 AM [Babs, let's talk]
165010, dp1, Oct 19, 2005 03:40 PM
165018, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 19, 2005 05:02 PM [babs and deadmomwalking]
165017, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 19, 2005 04:58 PM [about orlons comments]
164961, Valerie, Oct 19, 2005 01:23 AM
165056, dp1, Oct 20, 2005 02:46 AM
165071, 1dadof5, Oct 20, 2005 04:21 AM
165081, dp1, Oct 20, 2005 07:51 AM
165085, steve, Oct 20, 2005 12:13 PM
165109, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 20, 2005 03:55 PM [to all]
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