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Message 164549 (In Reply to Message 164523)

Posted by transparent on Oct 14, 2005 08:01 PM | Also by transparent

Gender: Male, Age Bracket: 18 - 20, State: N/A, Country: United States

thank you very much for you response. An update on the situation that I can give you...

We were planning on confronting her parents last night after I got off work, it was all her idea, as you all have suggested and as I have always done, I've left all decisions to her. I mostly suggest ideas that might be possible, including how to get the truth out and I even suggested she not tell them everything if she's not ready to. Well by the time I got off work she called me and let me know that she had been speaking with her older sister that evening about it and told her the whole thing. Apparently the same thing happened to her sister as well (so her sister has been abused by their grandfather and their brother). Her sister is very supportive about all of this and they had a great chance to talk it all out. Later that evening her sister told their parents about everything, what happened to both of them and all that.

Fortunately their parents believed them completely and apologized for not knowing before, they said she didn't have to go on the trip.

Another great thing that has happened, again all without my involvement (which it's better that it was her sister then me, no matter how involved I was ready to be) is that they have both decided to get counceling together. I'm going to give them suggestions on who to go with, after a lot of research on councelors in the area. I'll also let her know to be cautious about the whole police involvement that you mentioned, due to her age.

As for a support system, the only two people in her life that she can now rely on are her sister and me. I'm glad she was able to talk to her sister, otherwise it'd just be me. Her parents have always been kind of standoffish and don't seem to understand any signs of depression (even when her mother found out about the cutting, all she did was take the knife she thought was being used, and left...with no more mention of it. Having been a cutter myself as well as being part of a family with a mom that watches Dr. Phil, I know she did not handle that well.)

As for now it's just going to be a waiting game, seeing how her parents handle their brother (she's almost positive they'll confront him, which could make things very awkward for their family, as you kind of mentioned). As for me, I'm going to be as supportive during this time as I possibly can. We both go to the same high school together, it's our Senior year. I care so much about her, I just hope things will even out a little here on out.

One more thing, since it seems that "her word against his" is a common problem with conviciting abusers, would it help that there are now two of them together that have had this problem and are going to handle things? They haven't yet considered any legal action, right now it sounds like counceling is going to be their focus, which I completely support. I was just wondering about it as a possibility for the future.

Thank you for all your responses and if anything else happens I'll try to update this thread.

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Message 164523

Posted by deadmomwalking on Oct 14, 2005 10:53 AM | Also by deadmomwalking

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: 50 - 59, State: N/A, Country: Canada

Proceed with caution.  I would encourage your friend to see a counsellor but it is often hard to find one who is experienced at this and good.  On the other hand, if your friend does not want to see a counsellor she may not be ready to disclose yet. Because of her age the police WILL become involved if she discloses the incest to a counsellor.

I just want to reiterate that your friend needs to go at this at her own speed.  When my daughter disclosed police, social workers, therapists descended like an army with one agenda: the perpetrator has to be brought to justice.  That's what we thought too, although our daughter's health was our first priority.  Nothing came of the criminal charges in the end as my daughter became too ill to continue and in any case it was basically her word against his. The aftermath of disclosure was disastrous for my daughter who felt as if she had brought the world down around us.

She was questioned repeatedly by the police about things she only had broken and uncertain memories of.  The therapist she was seeing conducting EMDR therapy while consulting the manual, they pumped her full of various drugs, one psychiatrist actually told her that she should keep a razor blade and bandages next to her bed so when she had the urge to cut she didn't use something worse.  Because she was too suicidal for the hospital to handle (I kid you not, they said they were releasing her because they couldn't keep her safe) and we demanded they find some appropriate longer term care, they released her to a women's shelter where she was allowed to abuse medications, wander the streets hallucinating in the middle of the night(because she had to be "empowered") , and told she was an incest victim in denial.

On the other hand she couldn't have kept the secret any longer - it was killing her.  Looking back on things I am not sure what we exactly we should have done differently.  Once the disclosure was made things were basically out of our hands and hers.

I don't think you should help her by telling her story.  This doesn't help.  I know because I did it to my daughter.  Let her tell things in her own way in her own speed.  She may not want to tell everything at once and she may minimize what happened.  Let her.  Also because this happened when she was quite young she may not recall things accurately.  She will be confused and extremely vulnerable to suggestion.  I know that I can't remember accurately what happened yesterday and yet we expect victims to remember things without any inconsistencies.  You are assuming that her parents will help her.  However, if she confronts her parents they will most likely not believe her.  They will think that either she is making it up for some reason or that she has imagined it.  At least initially.  You can't really blame them for this.  He is their son after all.  It will be a great shock to them.  She has to be prepared for this.

The aftermath of disclosure is no picnic.  Especially when it involves family members.  You should read the posts by momto2girls to get an idea of what can happen.  A lot of things are going to happen that your girlfriend may not be prepared for.  The best thing you can do is just be supportive, but neutral about the best course of action.   If she is going to disclose this she needs a strong support system outside of her immediate family.  Is their another family member or adult friend she is close to and can confide in - an aunt perhaps?

Because her memories have been repressed things are more complicated.  When memories are "repressed" or "recovered" there is always the chance that they are not true or that they are distorted.  This doesn't make them any less "real" for the person who has them.  It is why it is very important that she be allowed to proceed at her own pace and not forced into remembering things.  It is important that whatever counsellor she has not pressure her to remember more or "suggest" things to her.  The results of bad counselling can do more harm than the abuse itself.  There is also always the remote but real possibility that she has made up or exaggerated her claims.  I strongly believe it is important to support and believe your girlfriend, however you must realize that other people will be considering these possibilities.

I know it sounds as if I am being negative about disclosure.  I am not.  I think it is very important that these ugly secrets come to light.  It is the only way that abuse can be stopped.  However disclosure comes with traumas of its own and your girlfriend needs to be aware of this and choose a time when she is strong.  I think it is wonderful that you are supporting your friend but don't take it all on yourself.  It wouldn't hurt for you to see a counsellor to talk about this with.  Good luck.

Thread

164033, transparent, Oct 10, 2005 06:37 AM
      164072, steve, Oct 10, 2005 03:57 PM
            164096, transparent, Oct 10, 2005 06:46 PM
                  164128, transparent, Oct 11, 2005 04:45 AM
                        164167, saintjimmy, Oct 11, 2005 05:34 PM
                              164829, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 17, 2005 03:53 PM [my opinion before i le...]
                                    164855, saintjimmy, Oct 17, 2005 08:50 PM
                                          165022, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 19, 2005 07:09 PM [saintjimmy]
                                          165097, kids1st, Oct 20, 2005 02:06 PM [Repressed Memories]
                              164831, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 17, 2005 04:06 PM [saintjimmy]
                  164135, polykenos, Oct 11, 2005 05:52 AM [evidence ?]
                  164144, dp1, Oct 11, 2005 08:24 AM
                        164166, oicu812, Oct 11, 2005 05:25 PM
                              164239, transparent, Oct 12, 2005 06:16 AM
                                    164286, oicu812, Oct 12, 2005 02:39 PM
                                          164360, dp1, Oct 13, 2005 01:04 AM
                                    164306, PVulcan, Oct 12, 2005 03:58 PM [transparent]
                                    164311, Renunciation, Oct 12, 2005 04:18 PM [Counseling Source]
                                    164395, polykenos, Oct 13, 2005 06:38 AM
                                          164441, transparent, Oct 13, 2005 05:12 PM
      164238, kids1st, Oct 12, 2005 06:12 AM [counseling]
            164385, transparent, Oct 13, 2005 03:48 AM
                  164523, deadmomwalking, Oct 14, 2005 10:53 AM
                        164549, transparent, Oct 14, 2005 08:01 PM
                              164786, deadmomwalking, Oct 17, 2005 04:09 AM

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Forum: Victims and Survivors CornerThread (Discussion): Confused Friend

Message 164549 (In Reply to Message 164523)

Message 164523

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Thread (Discussion): Confused Friend