Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): Help for momhelpingbyherself
Message 163461
Posted by Navigatr1
on Oct 04, 2005 02:16 PM | Also by Navigatr1
| Gender: N/A,
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State: N/A,
Country: United States |
In another thread, momhelpingbyherself wrote:
http://www.sexcriminals.com/forums/106/17110/163102.html
Is there anyone in here that can explain to me, for myself, why i am having nightmares, since my stepfather got out of jail? He isn't in my nightmares? My mother is! My daughter was the victim. My step-sister was a victim of Hurricane Rita, her own dad didn't care to stay home to see if she was ok. I am called to see how she would get in touch with FEMA, because i have history on it, sadly enough. But I have nightmare yesterday, needing my mother, and when i call her, she tells me, should have thought of that before. Now that is pretty messed up! wouldn't you agree. I have been having these dreams for over a month. I didn't post in the forum because there are 2 people, who i wont name, who think i am basically to blame for what happened to my daughter. Because my step dad touched me when i was in my middle 20's. Did i think he would touch my daughter who was only 15? NO! So see, people, are scared. I am opening myself now, for ridicule that i know will come. But, i am strong enough to take it. Do you think that others will be at first? I have had to deal with the guilt now for a year. It doesn't get any easier for me. especially when people love to point it out to me. I am just trying to show you how new people who come into the forum and may actually not be able to post in the general forum at first may feel. and that is my opinion, and i am not trying to argue, as you suggested earlier in one of your posts to me.
This thread is an attempt to give you some help, and is not meant to attack you.
You have a lot of anger towards your mother since you feel that she betrayed you. Especially since she is sticking up for your stepfather. You have every right to be angry at her. And I think this anger is spilling over into your subconcious at night in the form of nightmares.
Have you tryied journaling to express your anger towards your mom? Are you in any sort of counseling? The important thing is for you to express your anger in a constructive way as opposed to something that is destructive.
I am having trouble staying connected right now due to a storm. The point of this thread is to facilitate help for you.
--Navigatr1
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Message 163471 (In Reply to Message 163461)
Posted by dp1
on Oct 04, 2005 02:47 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
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State: Florida,
Country: United States |
The point of this thread is to facilitate help for you.
Nav, It's nice of you to show concern for Mom. Thanks for being thoughtful. Darnit. You're proving that sex offender supporters are actually nice people. Dp1
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Message 163514 (In Reply to Message 163461)
navigatr1
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Oct 04, 2005 09:07 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
yes i am in counceling. my step sister was in hurricane Rita, and because her own dad didn't care enough to stay around to see if she was ok, my mom calls me and asks me how to get in touch with fema because i was involved in a tornado a few years ago. yes i have a lot of anger. but i think its more towards my whole family that abandoned me. since friday, i had gotten food poisioning. my blood pressure has shot up to 140/100 and is now 134/84. my head hurts like i don't know what. but dr. won't put me on blood pressure meds. both of my biological parents have high blood pressure. and of course i have a husband who is a jerk when he wants to be. if i could have gotten to my stepfather when my daughter told me, i would have killed him. in court my mom had nerve to ask if i was ok. i said what the hell do you think. its not the first time she has chosen him over me. but i don't care about myself. i care about my children and that is a concept she doesn't know anything about
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Message 163515 (In Reply to Message 163471)
dp1
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Oct 04, 2005 09:09 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
i agree dp. and not all of them are. i have been given alot of crap over what happened. but this has gone on a year. he was supposed to register, and didn't. but i am just leaving it alone. he cant come near me or my kids. and after the 2 years are up, he still wont. cause i won't allow it.
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Message 163571 (In Reply to Message 163514)
Mom
Posted by dp1
on Oct 05, 2005 10:20 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
but i don't care about myself. i care about my children and that is a concept she doesn't know anything about
Mom, ya gotta care about yourself because no one else will if you don't. If you ever get over the anger you'll realize one day that it was all a big waste of time. We can't control other people's emotions. We can control our own and that's it. If your children are that special to you you'll stop wasting their time by being angry at other family members who will never give you the enjoyment your precious angels do today. How you feel about your parents and how they feel about you is so insignificant in the big scheme of things at your age. What does it matter? All that matters is that you keep your health up and your immediate family intact. The rest of the world is secondary. NOBODY controls you but you. Think about that sweetie. You'll be much happier just letting it go. Stop the negative thoughts and take time to smell the roses. Take the kids to the beach. Make love to your sweetie. Go shopping and buy chocolate. Go to church next Sunday. What else really matters?
You know my daughters love to spoil me by telling me I'm the best Mom, the funniest Mom or the prettiest Mom in the world. There is nothing more important than their perception of me particularly at their young age. I'd be mortified if they thought I was angry, moody, unloving, hateful, etc.... Do you see what I am saying? Don't think being angry only effects you. Other people see it and they also feel resentment because of the negative feelings. It's not fair to others who love you for you to waste precious time on self defeating negative thoughts instead of loving them.
Just my 2 cents.
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Message 163604 (In Reply to Message 163571)
dp1
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Oct 05, 2005 07:12 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
I have given everything up for my kids since the day they were born, and have not cared about anything else since they were born. I would hope that most parents would put their kids before theirselves. Or maybe its just me being old fashioned or what ever. As for my husband, we are seperated, was tired of getting beat around and him doing drugs. So see i do take care of myself, when need be. As for my anger, yea i have it. I will never forgive her, and i sure will never let my kids back around them. but i can put it behind me, because now i know that i have stood up to her and him, something that i never had the guts to do before.
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Message 164275 (In Reply to Message 163461)
dp1
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Oct 12, 2005 01:40 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
dp, this forum doesn't need to be up. i am doing fine on my own. i can handle my own problems. but i do appreciate the feedback that i got. but i always handle my problems on my own.
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Message 164342 (In Reply to Message 164275)
Posted by steve
on Oct 12, 2005 09:48 PM | Also by steve
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Virginia,
Country: United States |
dp, this forum doesn't need to be up.
momhelpingbyherself, I think you meant "thread" not forum. Just thought I'd clear that up if anyone was confused. As a recap for everyone: this part of the site is known as the "forums" (aka message boards, some call them "rooms"), there are a handful of forums, each separate discussion in a forum takes place within a discussion "thread" and each user's individual message within a thread is a "post".
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Message 164400 (In Reply to Message 164275)
Posted by Navigatr1
on Oct 13, 2005 01:30 PM | Also by Navigatr1
| Gender: N/A,
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I'm glad that you think you are doing fine. It was my hope that some of the victim advocates or even other victims would take over and give you support and help. You can't do it by yourself.
--Navigatr1
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Message 164409 (In Reply to Message 164342)
steve
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Oct 13, 2005 02:02 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
steve, it seems to make no difference what i call it, people get offended no matter what i call it. I usually call it a thread or a room, and then there is a fuss. So if you want to talk about someone who gets confused. that would be me.
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Message 164410 (In Reply to Message 164400)
navigatr1
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Oct 13, 2005 02:05 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
well that didn't happen. I just tend to keep things to myself navigatr1. that way i will just deal with it when and how i can do so in my time. it seems that people think that its wrong to be angry, so instead of being in a heated battle, i just try to help when i think i can.
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Message 164413 (In Reply to Message 164409)
Posted by steve
on Oct 13, 2005 02:11 PM | Also by steve
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Virginia,
Country: United States |
I usually call it a thread or a room, and then there is a fuss
I don't recall a fuss, but "thread" and "room" are two different things. For further clarification:
The part of this site where users can have written conversations is called the "forums".
"Victims and Survivors Corner", "General", "In the News", "The Other Side", etc. are each a "forum". Some people call them a "room".
This discussion, which Navigatr1 started and gave the title "Help for momhelpingbyherself" is a "thread".
The message I am writing and which you are reading is called a "post".
So:
Forums
|
--- Forum
|
--- Thread
|
--- Post
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Message 164414 (In Reply to Message 163514)
Posted by Navigatr1
on Oct 13, 2005 02:11 PM | Also by Navigatr1
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Glad you are in counseling. Does it seem to be helpling?
--Navigatr1
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Message 164467 (In Reply to Message 164413)
steve
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Oct 13, 2005 08:51 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
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State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
i have called them a room, and caught heck over it. so i try to call it a forum. maybe you missed it.
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Message 164469 (In Reply to Message 164414)
navigatr1
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Oct 13, 2005 08:53 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
i have been in counceling for different reasons. i am having to deal with what happened to my daughter in my own way. And that is dealing with it internally apparently, with the dreams and things. But thanks for asking
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Message 164518 (In Reply to Message 163461)
Posted by kids1st
on Oct 14, 2005 06:13 AM | Also by kids1st
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Alabama,
Country: United States |
mom - Maybe your nightmares stem from your anger at your mother for choosing a man over her child and grandchild. I can understand your feelings. My daughter was molested by my brother-in-law from the time she could remember until she was eight years old. I have been fighting this family for years because they can't understand why I don't want my daughter around him. Of course, no one in his family believed that he had abused her, and ultimately he served no time. So it has really been a battle for me. Why he didn't serve time is a long, long story. But he had been convicted of molesting another brother's son. He was 20 years old at the time and was granted youthful offender status because it was his first offense and he played dumb. But that could not be brought up during my daughter's case. He got three years probation for the first offense. I don't know how they thought that was going to help, but anyway.
I sometimes have many different nightmares, some involving people who had nothing to do with what happened or the aftermath. But having nightmares about your mother is understandable because she was closely involved in the incident and you must feel betrayed by her. I do hope that you continue in counselling and that the nightmares will become fewer. One way that I have found that really helps me is writing. I am currently writing a novel that deals with sex abuse.
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Message 164521 (In Reply to Message 164410)
Posted by deadmomwalking
on Oct 14, 2005 09:32 AM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
Hi Mom,
I've been out of the country for awhile and have meant to respond to some of your posts. I have PM'd you.
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Message 164532 (In Reply to Message 164521)
deadmomwalking
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Oct 14, 2005 03:52 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
i got your pm. thanks
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Message 164647 (In Reply to Message 164518)
kidsfirst
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Oct 15, 2005 06:29 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
my counceling is for a completley different reason. Yes i am angry at my mom. its not because she chose a man over my child and me. its because she chose material things over us. we talk, when he is not around, or when its something that she needs from me, other than that, its very rare. I am glad that things are the way they are. I don't have to have any more awkward moments at reunions and holidays.
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Message 164700 (In Reply to Message 164647)
Posted by kids1st
on Oct 16, 2005 08:24 AM | Also by kids1st
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Alabama,
Country: United States |
I understand that. Sometimes my husband gets upset with me because I won't go to his family reunions and such. But it just makes me physically sick to be around his brother and watch the whole family treat him like he is the greatest thing in the world. I try my best to avoid all contact with anyone in my husband's immediate family.
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Message 164762 (In Reply to Message 164700)
kids1st
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Oct 16, 2005 09:04 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
Oh i have been like that since my grandmother died. she would have beaten my mother with a weeping willow limb with what she is doing to me. and as for my stepfather, he would have wished was never born. My grandmother died before Christmas, so holidays and family get togethers just arent the same. And my older brother and me are the same, the quicker we get there and leave, the happier we are. She was always and still is the hardest on us. He is her natural child. But yet, she couldn't transform me into what she wanted, and could my stepsister. SO i guess that is why.
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Message 164780 (In Reply to Message 164467)
Posted by steve
on Oct 17, 2005 02:05 AM | Also by steve
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Virginia,
Country: United States |
i have called them a room, and caught heck over it. so i try to call it a forum. maybe you missed it.
I sense this back and forth between you and I could go on forever. ;-) To recap, earlier in this thread you called something a "forum" and sensing you didn't know the correct terminology, I replied that I thought you meant "thread", not "forum". You then replied "I usually call it a thread or a room", and I responded that "thread" and "room" are two different things, then clarified by explaining the terminology (forums, forum, thread, post) again.
I simply thought you (and others reading) might benefit from knowing the proper terminology so you and others don't use the wrong terminology and confuse and mislead readers.
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Message 164825 (In Reply to Message 164780)
steve
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Oct 17, 2005 03:22 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
not trying to argue at all steve. it is no big deal. i doubt if i will be in here much anymore.
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Message 164844 (In Reply to Message 164825)
Posted by steve
on Oct 17, 2005 06:38 PM | Also by steve
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Virginia,
Country: United States |
I didn't say you were trying to argue. When I said this could go on for a while, I meant that it seemed it might take a while to help you absorb the terminology, since you still had it wrong after I explained it. It's really a minor thing - this will be my last post about it.
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Thread
163461, Navigatr1, Oct 04, 2005 02:16 PM
163471, dp1, Oct 04, 2005 02:47 PM
163515, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 04, 2005 09:09 PM [dp1]
163514, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 04, 2005 09:07 PM [navigatr1]
163571, dp1, Oct 05, 2005 10:20 AM [Mom]
163604, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 05, 2005 07:12 PM [dp1]
164414, Navigatr1, Oct 13, 2005 02:11 PM
164469, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 13, 2005 08:53 PM [navigatr1]
164275, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 12, 2005 01:40 PM [dp1]
164342, steve, Oct 12, 2005 09:48 PM
164409, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 13, 2005 02:02 PM [steve]
164413, steve, Oct 13, 2005 02:11 PM
164467, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 13, 2005 08:51 PM [steve]
164780, steve, Oct 17, 2005 02:05 AM
164825, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 17, 2005 03:22 PM [steve]
164844, steve, Oct 17, 2005 06:38 PM
164400, Navigatr1, Oct 13, 2005 01:30 PM
164410, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 13, 2005 02:05 PM [navigatr1]
164521, deadmomwalking, Oct 14, 2005 09:32 AM
164532, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 14, 2005 03:52 PM [deadmomwalking]
164518, kids1st, Oct 14, 2005 06:13 AM
164647, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 15, 2005 06:29 PM [kidsfirst]
164700, kids1st, Oct 16, 2005 08:24 AM
164762, momhelpingbyherself, Oct 16, 2005 09:04 PM [kids1st]
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