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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): How could I be so stupid
Message 162003
Posted by saddened1
on Sep 19, 2005 05:12 AM | Also by saddened1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: Kansas,
Country: United States |
How could I be so stupid to get sucked in by a pedophile. We married 5 years ago and I had not knowledge of his illness. We have no children and he has not had much to do with children in my or his extended family. He has been abusing boys aged 8-11 during our marriage and before. I had no idea until recently when he was arrested. All is being dealt with legally and being handled professionally, so the legal handling is not my concern.
I am now stuck in a world where i have begun to hate myself. I feel so stupid for choosing him as a partner in the first place, but then I just did not want to go through life alone. I feel so stupid for still loving him, although i am caught between loving him and hating what he does to children. I am pressured by everyone I know to leave him, but then therapy is pressuring me to remain with him though his recovery. I feel that I am just a biproduct in therapy and they are really not interested in me. I feel that friends and family look at me as if I am the one who has committed the crimes. Therapy pitys him and his illness, but has llittle sympathy for how society treats me. I am looked upon as dirty becasue I share his bed, although there is no sexual intimacy there.
He has been my confidant, my friend and my shadow. How could I ever forgive myself if I leave him and this causes him more suffering. How could i ever forgive myself if I leave him and there is no one to watch out and make sure he doesnt go near children and become tempted.
I am torn.
Please help.
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Message 162054 (In Reply to Message 162003)
Posted by strongmom
on Sep 19, 2005 07:14 PM | Also by strongmom
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: Texas,
Country: United States |
I don't know if you have read any of my posts, but my husband molested my daughter and put me in the same boat you are in now.
I understand the part about loving him and yet hating what he's done. For me, the only choice I could make was to leave and try not to look back. I have children so your situation is different. However,
IMO, being with a child molester is often perceived by the public as you supporting the bad things he's done. Why put yourself in that position? No, why allow him to put you in that position? Your staying with him will not prevent future victims. He's in control of his life, so you need to be in control of yours.
Keep your self respect and walk away. There are other men who will love you that will not trample on your feelings and allow you to be used. You can and will love again. Hey, I'm doing it with 3 kids so it can be done. It's not easy and I promise you it will be one the most painful experiences to go through. Love yourself. Life is too short to live with this guy. God Bless you and I hope I was of some help.
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Message 162088 (In Reply to Message 162003)
fault
Posted by myoung
on Sep 20, 2005 01:15 AM | Also by myoung
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
Welcome to the forum. You have to know that this is NOT your fault. I've said this before and I'll say it a million times more: people will only let you in as much as they will ALLOW. You can NEVER know anyone better than they are willing to let you. That's just human nature. If I loved to (hypothetically speaking) have sex with farm animals or something crazy like that (ummm, yeah right)....I would not likely tell ANYONE knowing that it wouldn't be well received or acceptable to most. How do you think a spouse would feel finding something like that out after say....20 years of marriage or so? Ummmm, that would be quite a shock but...that's the kind of crap that happens to people. I'm sure you've seen the Lifetime movies where the husband led a double life with two wives, two families, two sets of bio children, etc and the wives didn't find out until much much later in life....more than a heart can take sometimes but somehow....women manage. Chin up :-)
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Message 162107 (In Reply to Message 162003)
Posted by saddened1
on Sep 20, 2005 03:19 AM | Also by saddened1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kansas,
Country: United States |
Thankyou for your kind replies,
I guess that I do know I have been used by a man full of secrets and lies. Yes, you are right - I should turn my back and walk away - but it just doesnt feel that easy to do right now. It is the whole mixture of emotions inside me like a tornado that is stopping me - the love and the hate - knowing i am not to blame, but then feeling guilty for not seeing the writing on the wall - feeling tricked and used, but then his kindness to me felt good. It doesnt help to have my friends and family pissing in my ear and telling me what to do. It is like my world has just turned upside down and I am basically considered to be incompetent to make my own mind up. I need time to sort through my thoughts and make my own decisions. Then again, the bloody therapist keeps pushing for me to help him with his illnes and makes me feel even more guilty when I think about leaving. I sometimes I think of staying with the devil I know, and other times when I try to make the first step away I get drawn back. It is so confusing.
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Message 162115 (In Reply to Message 162107)
Posted by 1dadof5
on Sep 20, 2005 06:02 AM | Also by 1dadof5
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Indiana,
Country: United States |
Welcome Saddened. Im am sorry to hear about your situation. The decision to leave a spouse after years of a relationship can be painful and difficult. You are being torn on so many sides. You love this man and he has made you feel happy for several years now, but at some point in this, you have to think about what is best for you. He may have made you feel good and secure, but during this time he has also betrayed your trust and turned your marriage into a lie. Sounds like you have done nothing wrong and that all of this is the result of his actions and NOT yours. You have done what any wife would do and that is to love, honor and cherish. What have you received in return? Heartache and sorrow. Who could blame you for leaving? What is to be gained in the long run by staying? You certainly know it is impossible to trust him. Will you ever be able to trust him again? Lets be realistic and look at what is best for you. Who says you cant separate and still be available in a limited way to support him without being sucked back in?
What you need to do is leave and do it ASAP. You need to tell him that this is the result of HIS actions and that there are consequences as a result of that. One of those consequences is the loss of his wife for it. You can take charge and be strong. Put him on the offensive in getting his act together if he can. Chances are if what you say is true about what he has done, then he is probably going “bye-bye” for an extended period(oh, I don’t know, say 25 to life)of time and why would you tie yourself down to someone who cant even be there for you anyway in the way you deserve. You don’t have kids so there are no other issues to consider that so many women in your shoes face when deciding to leave a spouse. Let us know what you decide. We will be around to talk regardless of your choice
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Message 162123 (In Reply to Message 162003)
Posted by joy1234
on Sep 20, 2005 12:59 PM | Also by joy1234
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: New York,
Country: United States |
I first would like to say I am sorry for the confusion and pain you are going through. The feelings of betrayal must be overwhelming for you at this point. Maybe right now you need to just focus on your feelings by yourself. I know how it feels to get pulled from every direction by friends and family telling you how to deal with it. My advice to you is take what you feel is constructive from them, get yourself your own help and then start to sort your feelings out. Bottom line is the decisions you make will have to be up to you and only you. It would help if you had even one person in your life that could stay neutral, which is a very hard thing for people to be in a circumstance like yours. Make yourself healthy, then you make the decision whether or not you want to support him and his treatment. I wish you the best during this time and hope you find some peace down the road. Please do not ever blame yourself as this was not your fault and the people you feel that are blaming you or looking at you in a weird way, just hold your head high and look them right in the eyes, do not let people intimidate you,. In instances like this is when you find out who your true friends really are.
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Message 162125 (In Reply to Message 162003)
Your not
Posted by knowsfalselyaccused
on Sep 20, 2005 01:21 PM | Also by knowsfalselyaccused
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Connecticut,
Country: United States |
Your not stupid you cant pick and choose who you love. and if you love him stay Sex offender have a diease thats uncontrollable so stay help him thur.
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Message 162133 (In Reply to Message 162003)
saddened1
Posted by dp1
on Sep 20, 2005 02:07 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Hello and welcome to this forum. I can understand your concerns and feelings of shock, love, hate, disappointment, pity, compassion, and empathy. There's certainly a lot of confussion regarding pedophiles, why they do what they do, how they lie and deceive, and whether or not they truly have the capacity to love a grown woman particularly if they have a history of abusing males.
I have a few questions in hopes of helping to sort out some important issues. Let's talk about children. Do you or he have children? Do they live with you? How about access to children as far as family and friends, activities, careers? How do you feel about children and how would you adapt to life without kids?
I guess what I'm getting at is that it's an awesome responsibility being married to a pedophile, but not impossible. For example, if you had a hysterectomy and hate children yourself then living a life without children shouldn't be a problem for you. But, if you are a owner of a Day Care and enjoy being a foster parent then obviously this man will be cramping your style. See what I mean?
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Message 162146 (In Reply to Message 162003)
Don't fall victim AGAIN!
Posted by concerned2005
on Sep 20, 2005 02:40 PM | Also by concerned2005
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: New Jersey,
Country: United States |
I have been in youir position, married a man who was an SO. He will use you . Don't you see? I bet his attorney is telling you to stay with him while this is going on as well. Do you know why ? To make him look better in court ! Malipulation and Lies that's what he's all about. He care about one person, Himself . I don;t mean to be harsh. but all that I am stating is true. Run far, far away and don;t look back.. and Yes I know it qwill be hard. It was hard for me, But now 10 years later I thank god I left when I did. My mental health and sanity survived.
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Message 162158 (In Reply to Message 162133)
After thoughts
Posted by dp1
on Sep 20, 2005 03:12 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I feel that you're probably not at this point yet regarding legal action pending against him, but the legal action can effect you in many ways. So as far as committing yourself to him for the rest of your life you'd have to take this all into consideration. Can you tell us what you're expecting as far as possible convictions, prison time, jail time, probation or parole conditions? Or is all this too over whelming at this point? If so, I can understand. There is so much involved.
There are other wives of RSOs that sometimes post in the forums. You may want to venture over to the other side forum if you are interested in discussing wives issues if that's something you are interested in. I'm sure there are other websites where families network.
I don't envy your position at all. There's some serious soul searching on your horoizon. I hope you can make an informed decision as well as what's morally, ethically and emotionally right for you. Either way you look at it, it's a tough call.
One last question if I may impose. Are you a victim of sexual abuse? If so, has this situation triggered your emotions in regards to your abuse and bad feelings towards your abuser?
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Message 162210 (In Reply to Message 162054)
what a nice post..
Posted by anti
on Sep 21, 2005 01:35 AM | Also by anti
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
smart, very helpful......
I fully agree, leave him and do NOT look back, period, your kids come first.
anti
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Message 162211 (In Reply to Message 162146)
another great post..
Posted by anti
on Sep 21, 2005 01:38 AM | Also by anti
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
nice to see good posts coming in here to help her.
yes, exactly, do not stay with him, I know it will be hard.
but well no one can tell you what to do, but weigh the 2 , and see then.
anti
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Message 162417 (In Reply to Message 162003)
Thankyou
Posted by saddened1
on Sep 23, 2005 01:48 AM | Also by saddened1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kansas,
Country: United States |
Thankyou for all your kind advice. I have some very hard thinking to do that I do not want to rush into. I know I have to weigh up whether my relationship to this man is worth all the hardship and grief it will cause to myself and my extended family. At least I have no children and there are no children from our extened family in his life, so this is one weight of my mind, but i have to consider my relationship with my friends and family, so weighing up whether it is worth keeping him or keeping all the others in my life may look like an easy decision, but it has to be thought through very carefully. One thing I have come to the conclusion about is that I do not want to be responsible to have to keep watch over him every moment for the rest of his life to ensure he does not offend again. I did not do these horrible things to children, so why should I have to bear such a weight. I have decided to stop joint therapy with him because it doesn't really do me as much good as it is aimed mostly for him. I will seek out my own supports and take time to think what is best for me.
Thankyou again.
Saddened1
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Message 162460 (In Reply to Message 162417)
Posted by dp1
on Sep 23, 2005 02:05 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Good luck to you. I hope you keep us posted on your progress. God bless.
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Message 162715 (In Reply to Message 162460)
saddened
Posted by momhelpingbyherself
on Sep 26, 2005 01:17 PM | Also by momhelpingbyherself
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
i read your post this morning (Monday). Sorry it wasn't before then, when you needed someone to answer your questions then. My step sister is a victim of huricane rita. I agree with what the rest has told you. leave him. i had to have my step father arrested for sexually touching my daughter. he was charged with sex abuse in the 3rd degree. he went to jail, but is out now. but he can't see my kids for 2 years. by then, 2 of them will be gone and in college. I had to choose, my child over my mom and my brother. It was a no brainer. But since then, and no one knows this, because i haven't said anything, i have had nightmares everynight. violent ones. don't let him control you emotions. leave, before its to late.
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Message 162904 (In Reply to Message 162003)
You weren't stupid. Just human.
Posted by Ruined
on Sep 28, 2005 06:58 AM | Also by Ruined
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
You did nothing wrong. The problem seems to be, that many of these offenders are "People" first. "Offenders" later. 2 different creatures. That is why there is so much pain involved. On both sides.
Meaning, whatever good qualities you saw initially, were real. But, there was a sickness underneath that had not been dealt with.
The person you loved was real. But, unfortunately, so was the sickness.
I'm so sorry for you.
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Message 162969 (In Reply to Message 162003)
Give yourself a break
Posted by pj1216
on Sep 29, 2005 11:14 AM | Also by pj1216
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Washington,
Country: United States |
You could not know what was going on, because the largest part of the pedophile's psyche is spent making himself (or herself) look as normal as possible, and they usually start young, in teens or even adolescence, so by the time you met him he had likely learned alot by trial and error on how to stay undetected. I lived with a similar man for 4 years, and he was molesting my kids, one his, one from my first marriage. There were no outward signs, and very few physical or mental clues from the kids until well after he left and they felt safe enough to talk. I'm talking over a year before my boy said a thing, and nearly another before my girl could acknowledge it to her therapist. To my family, friends, coworkers, he seemed normal, even a bit too good to be true. He was a much more involved father than my son's dad, so when he'd offer to read bedtime stories, supervise bathtime, or take the kids on outings, or take care of them while I took a break, he seemed like a godsend to this former single mom. And he was by far the most handsome and charismatic man I had been involved with, before or since, nothing like the stereotypes we used to hear of, "the scruffy stranger"or "the guy who always seemed a bit odd". Don't spend one more minute hurting yourself, and don't try to be a watchdog over his actions, you can't control him, you can only heal yourself, and perhaps when you're ready, reach out to others through Sexual Assault centers or Domestic Violence hotlines. The only relief I have found is in sharing my experiences when others are trying to decide if there is a problem while their partners are doing all they can to convince them that there isn't, or that it's somehow their fault, and in that I have been able to ebcourage several women to seek shelter and eventually a normal life for them and the kids. It has been 15 years now, and I do have a productive life, I am happy quite often, and my kids are happy, goal oriented, NORMAL young adults, plus I was honored with an "oops!" baby 8 years ago, and have had the joy of raising her abuse free. I never thought I'd survive the first year, but while it never goes away, it does become easier a little at a time.
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Message 163091 (In Reply to Message 162969)
Posted by rebel51
on Sep 30, 2005 01:02 PM | Also by rebel51
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: California,
Country: United States |
very good post!!
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Thread
162003, saddened1, Sep 19, 2005 05:12 AM
162054, strongmom, Sep 19, 2005 07:14 PM
162210, anti, Sep 21, 2005 01:35 AM [what a nice post..]
162088, myoung, Sep 20, 2005 01:15 AM [fault]
162107, saddened1, Sep 20, 2005 03:19 AM
162115, 1dadof5, Sep 20, 2005 06:02 AM
162123, joy1234, Sep 20, 2005 12:59 PM
162125, knowsfalselyaccused, Sep 20, 2005 01:21 PM [Your not]
162133, dp1, Sep 20, 2005 02:07 PM [saddened1]
162158, dp1, Sep 20, 2005 03:12 PM [After thoughts]
162146, concerned2005, Sep 20, 2005 02:40 PM [Don't fall victim AGAIN!]
162211, anti, Sep 21, 2005 01:38 AM [another great post..]
162417, saddened1, Sep 23, 2005 01:48 AM [Thankyou]
162460, dp1, Sep 23, 2005 02:05 PM
162715, momhelpingbyherself, Sep 26, 2005 01:17 PM [saddened]
162904, Ruined, Sep 28, 2005 06:58 AM [You weren't stupid. Just human.]
162969, pj1216, Sep 29, 2005 11:14 AM [Give yourself a break]
163091, rebel51, Sep 30, 2005 01:02 PM
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