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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): Help me Help my wife
Message 161838
Posted by 6an31
on Sep 17, 2005 04:28 AM | Also by 6an31
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: 21 - 29,
State: Utah,
Country: United States |
Hello, I am new to this forum and figured this would be the best place to get some help. Here is my story im just going to type so sorry about no punctuations and spelling and stuff anyway. When i first me my wife about 2 month into our relationship she told me about how her moms ex-boyfriend had sexually abused her. This went on for about 4 years and 3-4 times per week it included rape, sodomy, touching everything you can possible imagine this man did to her. I work in a prison and am around these types of people all day. most are pretty meek when it comes down too it. but he is very aggressive. My did not tell her mother what he was doing but said and I Quote "NAME said he loves me" name meaning the person that did this to her. Her mom blamed her for it and put her in counceling saying she has a crush on him. I am the only person she has ever told about this and It kills me the pain she goes though. I need to know the best way to help her. I feel that she needs to get into some kind of counceling but she wont becauese of the expirences she had before. I have tried to get her to turn this person in but even though she is 1500 miles from him she is still scared of what he will do to her. She is conviced that direct quote "he will take everthing I love away from me and leave me alone and miserable." Another reason that she wont do anything as far as turning him in is because it will give him satisfaction that her "got to her" and she doesnt want him to know how he affected her. Anyway please any advice on how to help and understand what she is going though will be very appriciated.
A.C.
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Message 161843 (In Reply to Message 161838)
Posted by youtoo
on Sep 17, 2005 06:50 AM | Also by youtoo
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: Missouri,
Country: United States |
You may check to see if there are any groups in your area for spouses or partners of victims. She does not have to be in therapy for you to find a group for you to go to help you learn to help her.
I am sure you know you can not make her go to therapy right now all you can do is continue to love and support her and let her know if and when she is ready to get into therapy or report him you will be there.
To her the threat of everything she loves being gone is so real she can taste the fear when she thinks of it. It grips your mind, it paralizes every other thought or emotion when it is in control. The fear that he could take everything away from her was confirmed in her mind, heart, and soul when her mother blamed her. When this happens the true victim is often made to feel they are the perpatrator and the abuser is the victim. While she may say verbally that she knows this is not the truth beliving it in her heart is often much harder and takes much much longer.
The fact that she has talked about the abuse to you for her is a huge first step as, and you can ask to see, I bet she was afraid that you might walk out the door. You did not so the first baby steps for your realtionship has withstood a huge test. Remeber that is how it often is tiny baby steps two or three forward then sometimes four or five back. Then suddendly a huge leaps forward followed by more baby steps. As you stay by her side and prove to her that she will not lose everything perhaps she will be able to overcome the fear and go to therapy.
Best of luck to you both.
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161838, 6an31, Sep 17, 2005 04:28 AM
161843, youtoo, Sep 17, 2005 06:50 AM
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