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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): My story
Message 132357
Posted by ddmau
on May 02, 2004 02:50 AM | Also by ddmau
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I'm new here and I just thought I would mention something about my story. I was sexually abused, assaulted and stabbed by my father when I was 12-13. I mentioned it to my mother at the time, in separate incidents. My grandmother (her mother) threatened her if she ever reported it to the cops.When I was 13-14 I was molested and assaulted by friends of my grandmother. She even provided me to them to be sexually abused. She threatened my mother when I did say something. When I was about 15 I beat up this guy who was a friend of my grandmother and made advances towards me. My grandmother forced my mother to kick me out of the house, and so I was forced out on to the streets temporarily. I wound up becoming a heroin addict at age 18, and have had extreme problems with forming relationships. I used for the last time on December 31, 1999, and got off methadone in August 2003. I have been clean ever since and have been sober since January.
My grandmother and father both died in 1993. Their deaths caused a considerable amount of dischord between myself and my mother and grandfather (her father and the husband of my grandmother). Both of them still revere the memory of their mother and wife, respectively, and cannot understand my feelings towards her. In fact, my grandfather still does not believe that his wife was an associate of paedophiles nor that his son in law was a molestor.
My brother was convicted of possessing child pornography in 1998, although from the facts of the case he was making it. This really shocked me. I knew my brother was also a drug addict (methamphetamine, speed) and a member of a street gang as a teenager, but did not know of him being molested nor beaten by my father nor anyone else.(He, however, did repeatedly beat me during my childhood and teenage years) This irrevocably alienated me from him and the rest of my family, and contributed to my relapse into heroin use which lasted until the end of 1999,
Currently I am undergoing counseling, but find life to be very difficult. It is very difficult to be a male survivor of rape and incest and also a recovering addict. Coming from the family that I stem from, it is difficult to not have self esteem problems.
Thought I might get a sympathetic hearing in this board. I'd like to know your comments.
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Message 132379 (In Reply to Message 132357)
Posted by bess
on May 02, 2004 11:09 AM | Also by bess
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Hi ddmau-
Welcome to the board! Well, it is no surprise that you do not always feel great, eh? How many people could go through what you went through and have no problems as a result? Does anyone in your family believe and support you? You write very well, were you able to get a good education despite these problems, or are you just smart? ;-)
Congratulations on getting off the heroin and methadone! I worked in a methadone clinic while going to school. It was rare for anyone to even really want to be drug free. Most people just wanted to stop for a while because their habits had become too expensive. When they were off the methadone they fully intended to start the heroin again. It was always great to meet someone who really wanted to turn his life around. I think it is a very positive sign that you are one of these people! As you no doubt know you are totally over any physical dependency on the drug and going back would be a mental thing. But you are not mentally now where you were then are you? And you were off it before for quite awhile. So I really think you will be able to stay off it again.
Facing the abuse and being willing to talk about it is a positive thing too. I know that isn’t easy and it is doubly hard for a guy. Males are not as fond of talking about personal matters as females for one thing, and males are often forgotten and not taken seriously as victims of sexual assault. Look at all the prison jokes. Few people would joke about a women being raped, but many people think it is a fine subject of humor when it is a man. This really bothers me.
I had a friend who was in prison and even his friends would make jokes about this. In case anyone is curious he was wanted for defaming the state and it’s symbols, defaming the dead, and inciting the masses -- or so the “crimes” are generally translated. Obviously he was not wanted in the U.S. were no such crimes exist, (and where, in fact, such activity is specifically protected by the 2nd Amendment).. Nor was he officially “in prison” in the U.S., but rather in immigration detention pending deportation. But he was still in a high security prison. And, yes, it is illegal to deport someone for “crimes” in another country which have no equivalent in U.S. law. But no one cares about what is legal or illegal when certain people are involved.
Sorry for this long aside. Still people may be interested to know that my friend was not raped in prison, as he had himself voluntarily put into solitary confinement instead. Most prisoners in solitary are being punished, and although my friend was not being punished he had to abide by the same rules. No reading material, no radio, no TV, and no time outside his cell except a short shower once a week (during which time all the other prisoner had to stay in their cells). And although he was not in physical contact with other prisoners, he was in verbal contact, and thus he was continually verbally threatened with rape in very graphic and gruesome terms. Then guards would tell him that sometimes prisoners in solitary were “accidentally” let into the general population. And then people would make jokes about his situation with me. It made me absolutely sick.
Although he is now in prison in Europe purely for his political believes, at least these sorts of things do not happen there (rather, they are very, very rare).
To get back to your situation, is your therapy helping you? Did you just decide to go to therapy recently? Most likely this is another positive sign for you. I know it took me over 30 years to even mention to another person what happened to me. Well congratulations for what you have done so far! I wish you the best of luck and be sure to write back to the forum!
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Message 132409 (In Reply to Message 132357)
Posted by Silverthorne
on May 02, 2004 06:06 PM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
Welcome ddmau,
First I'd like to invite you to post what you did here in your profile. You can click the EDIT PROFILE link above and past it into the biography. To read the biography of other people just click their name when you read a post (the red underlined name) and you'll be taken to their profile page.
I'm also a male victim of rape (age 10) but mine was a teacher not family members. Still I can understand how someone in a position of trust can really "screw you up". If you read my profile you'll see I've had my share of problems.
I assume your brother was probably molested as well. I wouldn't be too surprised at the child porn he was convicted of possessing. I'm sure in his own way he was warped as well but his upbringing. I do relate to the problems your having today finding joy in life. This is normal but it does pass. While sexual abuse and its trauma will sadly always be a part of you it doesn't have to control your life.
I am disturbed by your mother and grandfathers silence in the issue. What does your mother say about this? She MUST know it was happening. Is there a possibility that your father was abused when he was a child (by your grandmother or her friends) and was just carrying it on another generation with his abuse of you?
I'd like to recommend a book for you called ABUSED BOYS by MIC HUNTER. I bought it about 10 years ago. It was a good "get in touch with yourself" book. Because boys are the silent victims of sexual abuse there wasn't alot out there for us even back then.
You can order the book through Amazon at
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0449906299/qid=1083516471/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/002-4433346-6681603?v=glance&s=books
If you order the book please go directly there from this website. You can copy/paste that link to the browser above from here and go striaght there. Steve the webmaster here gets a small referral fee (its very small) for book referrals and it helps defray the costs of hosting this site (which I imagine are high).
I have some questions for you if you don't mind. I can PM you or post here whichever you prefer. Some are kind of personal so I'll give you the choice.
Silverthorne
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Thread
132357, ddmau, May 02, 2004 02:50 AM
132379, bess, May 02, 2004 11:09 AM
132409, Silverthorne, May 02, 2004 06:06 PM
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