|
|
Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): Survivor Mom with Offending child
Message 132056
Posted by cherrio
on Apr 29, 2004 08:11 PM | Also by cherrio
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: Massachusetts,
Country: United States |
I am desperately seeking support of others. I am an adult - survivor of abuse & incest. Unfoturantley, at 16 and ignorant, I married a man who is a sex offender and offended my 3 children. My oldest daughter, being abused herself, offended my other children. She is currently in a residetnial treatment facility that working with young offenders. She is currently 14, and was 12 when i reported her to the authorities.
I support my daughters treatment - but am torn in my own emotions as a result of my own abuse. I am the only mother who goes to the treatment faciltiy to visit their child - all other mom's abandoned their kids or the kids are out of foster homes.
Is there anyone out ther that has been thru this with a female child? I feel totally alone - ashamed - disoriented about this whole issue.
I am tryng desperately to end the cycle of abuse - but cannot do it alone.
- Cherrio
Forum Home
| Top of Thread
Message 132058 (In Reply to Message 132056)
Posted by deadmomwalking
on Apr 29, 2004 08:42 PM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
first of all, I commend you for your decision to stick by your child. Your situation is all too common, ie. someone that has been abused is taken advantage of by another predator and their children are put at risk. Abusing children is never "harmless" or "not that serious". In fact child abuse by someone the child trusts is more damaging than violent rape. The evil ripples out and touches many people. At 16 you yourself were still really a child, especially if you had been the victim of abuse as this stops the normal maturation process.
Your child is acting out her rage and confusion at being violated, just as my child is. The only difference is that my daughter is turning the rage on herself and self-harming. She tried to take her life this weekend by swallowing an entire large bottle of extra-strength tylenol and slashing her wrists. Fortunately the paramedics arrived in time, but we are still not sure whether there will be permanent liver damage. She has been self-harming now for 3 years, in spite of almost constant counselling. Of course she is not just hurting herself - she is hurting all those who love her - but she can't seem to stop herself - and she has just turned 18! If she was acting out like your daughter she would be in jail. As it is she is in a psych lock-down.
I hope you are getting counselling for yourself - this is probably the single most important thing you can do to help your daughter. You can PM me and I will be happy to offer you any support I can. This is a very tough road and I am proud of you for trying to stop the cycle.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (132056)
Message 132059 (In Reply to Message 132056)
Welcome
Posted by Silverthorne
on Apr 29, 2004 08:52 PM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
Welcome to the board Cherrio,
First off you have nothing to be ashamed about. Your daughter did this not you. Second considering the age she did offend at I would say its VERY likely she was repeating (acting out) as she was offended against. While she made a choice to do this at that age it just isn't that realistic to call it a conscious choice.
I'm a survior of sexual abuse and I suffer from pedophilia (haven't acted out). I was assaulted at 10 and developed what I would call a "problem" by age 13. When children are exposed to unhealthy sexual activities at an early age it skews what should be a normal course of sexual development into an abnormal one.
Also children who are sexually abused lose the normal boundries they'd have regarding sex. Things that would normally seem "strange" aren't anymore. They are told things are OK. They really can't judge.
You mentioned you reported her to authorities. Were her siblings male or female? Thier ages at the time of thier molestation?
You said you were abused. If I may ask "by who"? Your obvious feelings of confusion over what happend yet her acting out are understandable. But what exactly are your emotions? While you must feel some disgust at what she did you also obviously feel she is a victim.
By the way you can click on the red "name" of anyone posting and see their profile. Most of us have a "story" (like a bio) so you know who is what. Feel free to put a profile up for yourself as well.
Silverthorne
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (132056)
Message 132060 (In Reply to Message 132056)
Questions for Cherrio
Posted by Silverthorne
on Apr 29, 2004 09:01 PM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
Hi Cherrio,
I have a couple questions for you if you don't mind.
1) You turned your daughter in which mustve been incredibly difficult for you to do. I commend you for this. Can you tell us what type of treatment she is going thru?
2) What is your daughters attitude about all this? Does she realize she made a mistake or doesn't she realize the problem?
3) How old was your daughter when she was abused? For what duration was she abused?
4) Are you participating in your daughters therapy at all? I think its telling that all these other parents would abandon thier kids. I think its great your sticking with her. Does the hospital have a way for you to take part in therapy?
5) Your other two children (I assume they were molested by your daughter and your exhusband). How are they reacting to all this. Do they understand what happend at all? (Im not sure thier ages).
6) What happend to your exhusband? Did he have previous convictions for sex offenses? If so were you aware of them?
Thanks,
Silverthorne
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (132056)
Message 132063 (In Reply to Message 132060)
cherrio
Posted by deadmomwalking
on Apr 29, 2004 09:11 PM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
BTW, I don't agree with everything Silverthorne posts on the other forum but he has a unique perspective, being both a victim and someone who has deviant urges. In this sense he probably understands what your daughter is going through better than most. Rather than acting out he did the right thing and sought treatment. I found his perspective and advice extremely helpful when I was first trying to come to terms with what had happened to my daughter. I just don't always agree with what I perceive as being an apologist for SO's, but then he has spent a lot of time in counselling with them and I am harboring a lot of rage toward them right now.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (132060)
Message 132119 (In Reply to Message 132063)
Agreed
Posted by Silverthorne
on Apr 30, 2004 03:43 AM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
If you agreed with everything anyone said it would be a problem. I'm a bit more liberal on some things then most but that comes from my experiences in treatment. Because I've seen both sides of this issue (seen abuser act toward me and seen abusers in group) I'm a bit more understanding.
Rage is a common emotion. Last year a newspaper did an article about me (it was anonymous of course). My mother was quoted as saying "They should kill them all and burn the bodies". I think that sums up how anyone would feel if thier child were molested.
Indeed if I were a parent and had a molested child I'd probably say the same thing.
Silverthorne
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (132063)
Message 132184 (In Reply to Message 132058)
Questions answered . . . .
Posted by cherrio
on Apr 30, 2004 07:10 PM | Also by cherrio
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Massachusetts,
Country: United States |
Thank you for your responses. You both have many questions - so i'll try to answer them.
My own abuse started before I was born. My dad came home drunk one night and raped my mom - and here I am. She is still with him 30 years later- continuing to take all that he gives her. That was the beginning of my emotional and physical abuse. My mom reminded me constantly of how she hated me - I am still the "lest liked" of her 4 children.
I enterd my first of 4 foster home at 11 yrs old. i was the only one removed due ot my "upsetting the family with my anger, disobediant behaviors & voilence". I was like a yoyo from foster homes to my family home untill i was 16.
My abuse consisted of sexual by my cousin , when I was about 4 & father when i was 7/8. I got involved in dangerously unsafe relationships with drugs/ alcohol & sex. At 13 I got into a very bad relationship in which my b-friends had months of raping me. I met the man of my dreams - my rescue - when i was 3 weeks away from my 14 b-day he swept me off my feet. He was 21 and got me away from my prnts. That was the beginning of a controling manipulative relationship. At 16 i became prenant, and my father threatened to have him arrested for statituory rape unless he married me - so we married.
I entered counceling at 17 - realized i needed to rescue my mom & borhters, began the process of having my dad arrested when i was 19. He went to jail when i was 20, serving 18 months for abuse of my sister and I. Thru this counceling , and three kids later, i divorced at 21.
When my daughter was 5, inkindergarten, i received a call from her school saying she had fondled another student - a boy. Being concerned, I took her for a sexabuse evaluation - the councelor was NUTS and told me - no she's not been abuse, however sometimes kids act out the abuse of their parents - even if they don't know about it. I took only "no she's not being abused" and went on my merry way.
There were afew times i saw her "under covers" with her sister who is 12 months younger than her. And I once caught her with my friends sons. - one same age, one 2 yrs younger. I was also becoming concerend with her & her siststers behaviors around men. Always sitting on their laps, being overly affectionate, I knew the signs - I lived them. I had the oldest evaluatied 2 more times over the years.
The frist 5 yrs after my divorce I knew my x was physiclaly abusing the kids - I took pictures occassionally of the bruises - but they weren't "too bad". In the fall of 1998, 1 month before my second marriage, my oldest - then 9 - came home beaten from him - so his 3 day a week visitation became 1 and "supervised"
At the visits with their dad (I was the supervisor) he would always sit directly across from her and almost glare at her. Somethting wasn't right.
I racked my brain for years - who is the consistant person in her life since the first incident - no matter how hard i tried - I always ended up with him. I'd asked all three kids - several times - have you been touched - tell me if you ever are. I also came to the realization that a 21 yr old man that gets into a manipulative, controling relationship with a 13 yr old - has a problem - and the problem didn't stop with me.
Last March, 4 days before my dauthers 13'th b-day, my youngest - then 3 told us about how she had played nurse with her. That was the last straw. My husb said she had to go - that was his baby she hurt. I said she needed help. No one was listening - and i had no choice but to turn her in.
Fortunatley - she wasn't yet 13. The DA did want to press criminal charges - but agreed to this residential treatment faciltiy. The ONLY one in my state (that I am aware of ) the treats female adolesence offenders. The population is firesetters, sex offenders, and violent behaviors (gang's usually) 16 females. They get therapy, group therapy, family therapy, and 24hr support and dicipline.
As the treatment progressed - we found out that there were 4 other victims - all her age or younger - both sexes. We also learned that she hurt her sister (now 13 yr) on a very regular basis, and her brother (now 11) several times. We don't know how often she hurt the little one (now 4) She threaten and used violence against them. In September of last year - and at the solem promise he would never ever find her, she disclosed of the abuse from her father. He was arrested - is out on bail, and awaitng his pre-trial hearing.
The three younger children are in counceling. The 13 yr old hopes to never see her again. The 11 yr & 4 yr olds are forgiving and look forward to our family re-uniting. My husband and I are totally involved in her therapy. We beleive in unconditional love and he has promised to do his best to love. her.
I support her because i have no choice - I was the abandoned child and it sucks. I have to give her unconditional love. She was hurt first. And everyone deserves love.
But - - I HATE offenders. I was robbed of my childhood - abusesd, beaten - thrown away because of offenders. I HATE them. I hate that she has ruined my other childrens lives. They will never forget what happened - it will haunt them for the rest of their ilives. I know this becuase of my own nightmares.
I go visit twice a week. I encourage her - love her, take her out to eat. half the time i look in her eyes and I hate her. half the time i look in her eyes and pitty her. sometimes i empathize with her. I never ever ever touched a child. My abuse was longer - by more ppl. WHAT HAppENED?
My emotions - i cannot put a word to it. for i have no idea.
I am in t - but feel she has NO clue what i'm experiencing. She says it's not my fault - IT IS - and I failed - and know that . I take responsibility for my mistakes/oversights/ not moving faster.
When she was first born, I held my little 5lb baby in my arms. I looked in her beautiful eyes. I was 16 - but had already lived the life of a 40 yr old. I was wise and knew what i was doing. I promised my baby that her daddy and I would protect her forever. She was a luckie little girl to have such caring protective parents. He daddy would love her forever. And together we would make sure no evil that had touched me - would touch her. I promised. I KNEW I could stop the cycle .
I failed and she was abused not only physcialy, but sexually and she then did the same thing. - and it continues.
YOu both say - there are many other there like me. Where??? Where are the abused mom's with offending adolesence GIRLS. Ppl tell me it is common very common - well, why after over a year i cannot find one. One to share my grief, stress, total confusion. Where did i miss? Where do I go? How do I find courage to fight when i cannot even look in her eyes?
How am i to raise 3 abused kids - which is an unbeleivable struggle - How can i riase them in a house with the offender - and raise the offender. - INconceivable.
I want to talk to someone who's been here in my space shares my nightmares. Someone who can help me see it's worth the fight - when i want to give up. Someone to help me see what it is i am fighting for.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (132058)
Message 132206 (In Reply to Message 132184)
Cherrio
Posted by Silverthorne
on Apr 30, 2004 11:18 PM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
I'm a little confused on the timeline.
You married the guy who was the father of the first child. He molested her. You divorced him and remarried. You have three kids by your second husband?
(you mentioned you and your husband support them so I assume you remarried?)
First off it isn't your fault. Your first husband abused her. You knew he was abusive but not in that way. Feelings of guilt (I failed) are common but not really healthy. You don't need to feel that way.
Bringing her back into the house may be difficult. You have one child who wants nothing to do with her. Two children who "forgive" but in all honesty are really to young to know what happend. How does your husband feel about her coming back?
Is your first husband still in prison for molesting her? Is he in the picture at all?
Reunifying families is very difficult in situations like this. I'll try and find some information for you. Honestly I haven't read alot about female offenders. I'm sure they're out there but its kind of like the sexual abuse of boys, it just hasn't gotten alot of press.
Silverthorne
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (132184)
Message 132258 (In Reply to Message 132119)
Posted by deadmomwalking
on May 01, 2004 07:58 AM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
I truly don't believe in fighting evil with evil in spite of my murderous fantasies. I only believe the SO's should be held accountable - that is admit what they have done and the harm they have caused, apologize and mean it and make reparations. There really is no point in anything else. In an ideal world, the police would not have become involved - we would have confronted him, he would have taken responsibility for his actions and freed my daughter from the killing belief that this happened to her because she was a bad worthless person. He might have been forgiven. But the man who abused my daughter will never do this. He will continue to harm her and us by his denial and lies and it is his soul which pays.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (132119)
Message 132265 (In Reply to Message 132056)
Some books for you
Posted by Silverthorne
on May 01, 2004 09:44 AM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
Cherrio,
Heres a couple books on juvenile offenders and female offenders you might find interesting. If you decide to buy one (theyre from amazon) please go to amazon from this website directly (using the link - cut and paste it). That way Steve gets credit for a referral (webmaster steve).
FEMALE SEX OFFENDERS
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1930461003/qid=1083399549/sr=1-38/ref=sr_1_38/002-4433346-6681603?v=glance&s=books
CHILDREN WHO SEXUALLY ABUSE OTHERS
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0415196051/qid=1083399481/sr=1-20/ref=sr_1_20/002-4433346-6681603?v=glance&s=books
JUVENILE SEX OFFENDING - CAUSES & CORRECTIONS
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0787908436/qid=1083399481/sr=1-18/ref=sr_1_18/002-4433346-6681603?v=glance&s=books
Silverthorne
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (132056)
Message 132284 (In Reply to Message 132265)
Posted by steve
on May 01, 2004 04:37 PM | Also by steve
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Virginia,
Country: United States |
If you decide to buy one (theyre from amazon) please go to amazon from this website directly (using the link - cut and paste it). That way Steve gets credit for a referral (webmaster steve).
Silverthorne's mentioning that because SexCriminals.com gets a small commission (usually 2.5% to 5.0%) for purchases made through Amazon by people who click a link from our site to Amazon, then purchase something during that visit, whether it's a book listed on our site, any other book or any other product. To do so, you'd need to visit our Books section, click a book, then click the link to the Amazon site, *then* either enter the URL Silverthorne provided for a book or enter the book title in Amazon's search box. There's a link to our books section from the center column of the main page of SexCriminals.com.
Forum Home
| Top of Thread | Jump To Parent (132265)
Thread
132056, cherrio, Apr 29, 2004 08:11 PM
132058, deadmomwalking, Apr 29, 2004 08:42 PM
132184, cherrio, Apr 30, 2004 07:10 PM [Questions answered . . . .]
132206, Silverthorne, Apr 30, 2004 11:18 PM [Cherrio]
132059, Silverthorne, Apr 29, 2004 08:52 PM [Welcome]
132060, Silverthorne, Apr 29, 2004 09:01 PM [Questions for Cherrio]
132063, deadmomwalking, Apr 29, 2004 09:11 PM [cherrio]
132119, Silverthorne, Apr 30, 2004 03:43 AM [Agreed]
132258, deadmomwalking, May 01, 2004 07:58 AM
132265, Silverthorne, May 01, 2004 09:44 AM [Some books for you]
132284, steve, May 01, 2004 04:37 PM
Forum Home
| Top of Thread
|
|
|
