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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): I am a victim and I need buddies - Just curious and a little confused.
Message 131152
Posted by Blondecutie1718
on Apr 22, 2004 01:26 AM | Also by Blondecutie1718
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 21 - 29,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
I am a victim of a sex offender. I am 17 years old and I dated a guy that I was supposed to get married to next year. My parents pressed charges on him since he was older than me and thats when we found out that he was a lifetime sex offender. He has over 100 pages of convictions in the state of Kentucky, Florida, California, Arizona. He made threats to me that if my dad pressed more charges he would kill me. My dad pressed charges and we started going to pre-trials. Turns out he was married and had 2 daughters that was accusing him of molesting them. We started going to pre-trials in October of 2003. We were supposed to go to jury trial on March 20th and of course his lawyer cancelled at the last minute because he needed more time...he had 6 months..Then we were supposed to go April 17..that was cancelled. So now we have to go back to pre-trial next month and jury trial June or July. I am getting so frustrated and my parents dont understand what I am going through. I had a nightmare last night where he was in the picture. I woke up running a tempature and shaking for an hour. I need some buddies to help me through this.. Thanks
Carrie
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Message 131167 (In Reply to Message 131152)
Hello
Posted by dp1
on Apr 22, 2004 04:26 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Welcome to this forum. I am sorry to hear about your abuse and the frustration of the Court system. You have some buddies on this site to help you through this. Just hang in there.
Can you tell us more about this lifetime sex offender? How old is he? How long have you been dating? Is he on lifetime probation or lifetime registration?
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Message 131173 (In Reply to Message 131152)
Posted by Silverthorne
on Apr 22, 2004 06:18 AM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
Hello and welcome to the board. Im sorry you've had this type of experience. I agree the judicial system can seem a bit confusing and backwards at times.
What are the prosecutors telling you about the case? Do they believe he'll be convicted?
Silverthorne
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Message 131188 (In Reply to Message 131152)
Posted by Blondecutie1718
on Apr 22, 2004 12:31 PM | Also by Blondecutie1718
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
My ex is a lifetime sex offender..he is like the highest there is like level 3. Anyways we dated for a year and 3 months and I even met his family. His family didn't even say anything to me about him. He was 28. He was a lot older than me and at the time my Father and I weren't that close. I guess I was looking for more of a father figure. My lawyer is getting really unhappy about the whole situation the more he learns about my ex and our case. We have a huge folder thick of evidence like phone records, letters from people that saw me with him. We went to court in March and the judge told him to have no contact with me, but he kept calling and threatning me. We even pretty much have the judge on our side. The good thing about it is that we have the same judge that we had back in March that told him to stay away from me.
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Message 131193 (In Reply to Message 131188)
Welcome
Posted by TGoodman
on Apr 22, 2004 01:31 PM | Also by TGoodman
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kansas,
Country: United States |
Welcome to the boards. I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is my understanding that most jails record all outgoing phone calls place by inmates...so if he has called you from the jail and threatened you, they can pretty much catch that from the phone calls and he will not be able to call anyone or he could face additional charges.
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Message 131196 (In Reply to Message 131152)
Hello
Posted by TGoodman
on Apr 22, 2004 01:34 PM | Also by TGoodman
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kansas,
Country: United States |
So, you were dating him and were actually engaged to him. What made your parents decide to press charges against him? Did he rape you? I just don't understand how you went from being engaged to this man to being a victim.
Welcome to the boards. I really feel badly that things have turned out this way for you. I am the mother of a "victim" (gosh I hate that word). My husband molested my child. I turned him in and he is now serving a 15 year prison sentence.
I hope to get to know you better, and if I can help you along the way through all of this just holler.
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Message 131215 (In Reply to Message 131196)
Posted by dp1
on Apr 22, 2004 05:11 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Ditto your comments. I am having a hard time with the confusion between girlfriend/victim/what daddy wants and why a victim would post to a site with sex offenders with a suggestive screen name. Does that mean you don't view yourself as a victim and just going through the motions because daddy wants it that way? I wonder how dad would feel about the screen name particularly since there are so many sex offenders on this site that either post or lurk. Since you are under age with a suggestive screen name I would not be surprised if you get unsolicited PM's. Be careful and let your parents know about this for your own good. Please. I just want you to be safe.
I sometimes wonder if victims don't realize the danger they put themselves in.
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Message 131218 (In Reply to Message 131188)
Blonde
Posted by Silverthorne
on Apr 22, 2004 06:32 PM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
Have you had a restraining order issued against him? They can pick him up when hes contacting you over and over like that.
Silverthorne
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Message 131222 (In Reply to Message 131218)
and another thing
Posted by TGoodman
on Apr 22, 2004 06:41 PM | Also by TGoodman
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kansas,
Country: United States |
also, if he is using a phone from the local jail to call, all you have to do is call the jail and talk to the duty officer and they will take away his phone priveleges because of it.
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Message 131226 (In Reply to Message 131215)
Posted by steve
on Apr 22, 2004 06:50 PM | Also by steve
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Virginia,
Country: United States |
I wonder how dad would feel about the screen name particularly since there are so many sex offenders on this site that either post or lurk. Since you are under age with a suggestive screen name I would not be surprised if you get unsolicited PM's.
Unsolicited PMs? In the 6 months private messaging has been part of this site there have never been any reports of private messages like what you're suggesting. For the record, if there ever is such an incident I would trust that the person receiving it would report it and I'd almost definitely remove the sender from the site.
You might not come across it, but believe it or not a very high percentage of people in their teens through early 20s have screen names, email addresses and IM names like this user's. Even though the registration instructions discourage it, for ease of use a lot of people use their alias from their email address as their username here. Just something to keep in mind.
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Message 131263 (In Reply to Message 131152)
Posted by Blondecutie1718
on Apr 23, 2004 12:09 AM | Also by Blondecutie1718
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
Let me tell you the whole story so this might be a little long. I was working at Dairy Queen at the age of 15. One night I was working a man(my ex) walked in and placed an order. While we were waiting on his food he started to flirt with me and at the time I had very low self esteem. So what he said made me feel good and I thought maybe I am pretty since he thinks so. He gave me his phone number and we called each other. We dated 8 months and my parents didn't even know anything about it. In December of 2002, my mom said that they wanted to meet him. I was afraid to tell them about him, because i was afraid that if they knew his age, they would freak and wouldn't let me see him again. They met him and of course when they figured out his age, they told him not to have any contact with me. They pressed charges on him for misconduct with a minor and we went to court. The case got thrown out because I was the age of consent. The judge told him not to have any contact with me and if he did, we would be back in the same place. Well my dad went on the Kentucky Registry because he had a bad feeling this guy was a predator. My dad called me to see what he found and his profile came up as a lifetime sex offender. I was floored and was sick to my stomach. My ex called and made threats to me that if my dad pressed charges again that he would kill me and kill my dad. I told my dad and my dad pressed charges on him for threat and something else. Some of his convictions are kidnapping of a minor and taking her over state lines, dealing drugs, robbery, misconduct with a minor and he has over 100 pages. I did not mean to offend anyone with my s/n..
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Message 131316 (In Reply to Message 131263)
Posted by dp1
on Apr 23, 2004 05:27 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Sorry if I sounded offended by your screen name. I am not offended in the least bit. Trust me, it'll take a lot more than that to offend me. I was merely pointing out who your audiance might be on this site.
Sex offenders can play amazing mental gymnastics with themselves in order for them to convince themselves that it is ok to offend someone sexually. For example, you'll hear sex offenders rationalize how it's ok for minors to have sex with them as long as the victim enjoyed it, wanted it, or came on to them first. But, how they interpret things is totally different then what others may think.
A pedophile for example might look at a 5 year old girl and get turned on. If the little girl smiles at him he may think she has a crush on him. When the girl sits on his lap he may interpret that as coming on to him. You or I would not draw the same conclusions given the same circumstances.
I have no clue what a sex offender might think about a 17 year old addressing herself as Blondecutie. How you or I would react to that title may be different then that of a sex offender. For the same reasons, I don't wear mini-skirts or silky see through blouses to work. I believe it's in my best interests to not intentionally draw attention to my sexuality considering I work with dangerous offenders.
Your Dad sounds like hero. You are really lucky to have his support. Good luck with the Court process.
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Message 131328 (In Reply to Message 131316)
Posted by Blondecutie1718
on Apr 23, 2004 12:04 PM | Also by Blondecutie1718
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
I understand. I don't wear mini skirts or present myself in person to being a slut or anything, but I understand where your coming from. My dad is a hero, because he has tried to keep himself together without hurting him. Thanks..I hope court goes well..Do you know anything about appx. time they can get with a case like mine?
Thanks
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Message 131334 (In Reply to Message 131328)
Posted by dp1
on Apr 23, 2004 02:20 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Do you know anything about appx. time they can get with a case like mine?
I wish I could answer that question. It sounds like you and your Dad are dealing with a professional criminal. Considering his prior record, I'm sure he could be facing more time than a first time offender, for example. One thing for sure. He knows the system better than you or I. He'll find the loopholes. He'll probably get a slimy attorney then file motion after motion. This is done on purpose to wear the victim down. Expect it. Just show up to all the Court hearings and expect as little to get done as possible, but be prepared. Try not to let him or the legal process drain you or Dad emotionally. Do something fun after each hearing. Why not take Dad out to Dairy Queen for a creamy, delicious, ice cream treat after each court hearing? Reward yourself for doing the right thing.
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Message 131403 (In Reply to Message 131152)
Posted by Blondecutie1718
on Apr 23, 2004 09:32 PM | Also by Blondecutie1718
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kentucky,
Country: United States |
Thanks. Well his first attorney got really ill and got to the point where he couldnt do the case and got one of his partners to do it for him. He lied to both of his lawyers tell them that he hasnt called me and threatned me so his lawyer was stunned when we went to a pre-trial
and we had the phone records and stuff. We were supposed to go to court March 20th, but his lawyer filed a motion, because he needed more time to get everything together, even though he had 6 months. We were supposed to go back April 17th and my lawyer filed a motion, because I had given him a letter from a witness. My lawyer said that he needed to do this,because he did a paper on all the stuff he is going to present to the jury and the letter wasn't on there. So he said he is going to do another one with the letter on it. We have to go to another pre-trial May 20th. I am getting very angry, but I know there is nothing I can do. I have been stressing myself out to the point where I am getting sick, because I want all this to be over with. I even have nightmares about him and I don't know what to do to get it to stop.
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Message 131407 (In Reply to Message 131403)
Posted by dp1
on Apr 23, 2004 10:14 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I have been stressing myself out to the point where I am getting sick, because I want all this to be over with. I even have nightmares about him and I don't know what to do to get it to stop.
Don't let this process burn you out. Have your Dad call a doctor for you. Either a good therapist or sleeping pill might be all you need to calm your nerves. This is a temporary situation that appears to be dragging on forever. It won't drag on forever because eventually what happens is the Judge gets mad and puts an end to all the foolishness and won't allow any more continuances. You just have to tough it out a little longer. Don't start thinking he has the upper hand. Because he doesn't. You have him right where you want him. In front of the Judge. Keep him going back and back and back to Court. Show him who's boss.
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Message 131426 (In Reply to Message 131407)
Good Way to beat stress
Posted by TGoodman
on Apr 23, 2004 11:18 PM | Also by TGoodman
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kansas,
Country: United States |
I agree with DP1, one thing that will help the stress level is to get into therapy. I don't know exactly what this man did to you, but a therapist can help you get everything into perspective.
Another thing that I have found over the years to help me is to go to the gym and punch the punching bag. Or Running. Running is a way to get things out of your system. Pretend that the pavement or the road is this guy and stomp all over him.
You absolutely cannot let this guy know how upset you are over all of this. If you do, then he will think that he is in control of the situation. Let him know that he is not in control of YOU.
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Message 132359 (In Reply to Message 131196)
Posted by ddmau
on May 02, 2004 02:57 AM | Also by ddmau
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Good for you that you turned your husband in!
I wish my mother had done that to my father. She didn't even turn him in when he tried to kill her - her mother, my grandmother, forced her not to, convincing her that if she was disrespectful to her husband that meant she was a whore, even if it was to protect her son.
You obviously care a great deal about your child.
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Message 134503 (In Reply to Message 131152)
I understand...
Posted by greatdad53
on May 22, 2004 01:57 AM | Also by greatdad53
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Oklahoma,
Country: United States |
My daughter is 17, and we just done with our Jury trial....he plead guilty at the last minute...we had been trying to get the trial overwith, and it was postponed 4 times..it took 2 years, but it is finally over. I certainly feel your pain and your hurt. I wish I had some magic cure, but I dont. Rely on your close friends, and this site is a good place to find support, kand comfort...Remember, the end will come...
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Message 135289 (In Reply to Message 131226)
sorry steve
Posted by myoung
on Jun 02, 2004 03:05 AM | Also by myoung
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
I agree. Her screen name is suggestive and 1718 at the end is age related. Not very wise indeed. maybe we should simply suggest that she change it. I may be appropriate for IM or hotmail but not for this site.
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Message 135434 (In Reply to Message 131152)
I know what you are going through
Posted by outlawsex
on Jun 05, 2004 07:17 AM | Also by outlawsex
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Texas,
Country: United States |
The Justice system seems so wrong at times. When we all know who did what but Attorneys stall for time and get there clients off because they the Judges get tired of messing with the case. I know of a guy that got 2 girls age 14 and 15 drunk then had sex with them both multiply times and he got one of them pregnant but since they were friends no one filed charges except the state picked up on the one that was pregnant and filed on him but his Attorney told him to marry the girl and the Judge would have to throw it out and this is what happened. He legally got by with contributing to several minors and sexually assaulting both of them and he got nothing but a slap on the wrist. Now that he got his freedom he treats the girl he married like a dog but she cannot file on him again because she testified for his case to be dropped because she was married to him. It is not right that he got by with so much violence.
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Message 135466 (In Reply to Message 135434)
outlawsex
Posted by dp1
on Jun 05, 2004 08:20 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I agree with you that the Justice system seems so wrong at times. I am also sorry to here that 2 young girls were abused. However, don't we as citizens have to stand up for what's right and say "no" to abuse? Could this young girl have had better guidance from a responsible adult and chose not to marry her abuser and to proceed with prosecution? I know it's a sad situation, but the Justice system can't force victim's and perps to make good decisions.
Oh by the way. Welcome to this forum. I'm glad your posting.
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Message 138664 (In Reply to Message 135466)
Just curious and a little confused.
Posted by tryingtosurvive
on Aug 11, 2004 04:06 PM | Also by tryingtosurvive
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: Australia |
Your people brought charges against this guy initially and the case was dissmissed?
What then would be the purpose of the other party bringing threats to bear ? Surely by then your matter would have been concluded. Were you contemplating pressing further charges ? What further matters would there be to intruduce?
If the other party had a history of offending against others then that wouldnt be relevent in any action you might be contemplating?
When you say your people are pursuing a further remedy at law (civil ? ) does this mean that the prosecuter isnt interested in a proceeding on behalf of the state?
It is confusing to figger out just where all this stands from your narrative . I am sure there are laws that would robustly protect you from harrassment .. if that is what has happened .... but I cant understand why any sort of coercion would have been tried because it would already have been all over given the time line as you have described. Either way anti stalking or harrassment laws should put a matter like that into the distant past .
Regards
TTS
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Thread
131152, Blondecutie1718, Apr 22, 2004 01:26 AM
131167, dp1, Apr 22, 2004 04:26 AM [Hello]
131173, Silverthorne, Apr 22, 2004 06:18 AM
131188, Blondecutie1718, Apr 22, 2004 12:31 PM
131193, TGoodman, Apr 22, 2004 01:31 PM [Welcome]
131218, Silverthorne, Apr 22, 2004 06:32 PM [Blonde]
131222, TGoodman, Apr 22, 2004 06:41 PM [and another thing]
131196, TGoodman, Apr 22, 2004 01:34 PM [Hello]
131215, dp1, Apr 22, 2004 05:11 PM
131226, steve, Apr 22, 2004 06:50 PM
135289, myoung, Jun 02, 2004 03:05 AM [sorry steve]
132359, ddmau, May 02, 2004 02:57 AM
131263, Blondecutie1718, Apr 23, 2004 12:09 AM
131316, dp1, Apr 23, 2004 05:27 AM
131328, Blondecutie1718, Apr 23, 2004 12:04 PM
131334, dp1, Apr 23, 2004 02:20 PM
131403, Blondecutie1718, Apr 23, 2004 09:32 PM
131407, dp1, Apr 23, 2004 10:14 PM
131426, TGoodman, Apr 23, 2004 11:18 PM [Good Way to beat stress]
131552, Rejected
134503, greatdad53, May 22, 2004 01:57 AM [I understand...]
135434, outlawsex, Jun 05, 2004 07:17 AM [I know what you are going through]
135466, dp1, Jun 05, 2004 08:20 PM [outlawsex]
138664, tryingtosurvive, Aug 11, 2004 04:06 PM [Just curious and a little confused.]
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