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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): Right - or Wrong? - Another thing
Message 130693
What do I do?
Posted by mrschickenauctionman
on Apr 18, 2004 08:24 PM | Also by mrschickenauctionman
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: Oklahoma,
Country: United States |
I have a friend of 20+ years who recently got remarried. Come to find out, he has two convictions (lewd molestation to a minor)against him and has been to prison. My friend knows this, says he didn't do it. She had his baby last week, a little girl. She plans on going back to work in 4 to 6 weeks and the last I heard, this man is going to play Mr. Mom and stay home with the baby. I have not spoken to her since before Christmas - he seems threatened about my relationship with her, he is VERY controlling, and he is unemployed. Does anyone out there know, CAN he stay home with this baby girl - unsupervised???
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Message 130730 (In Reply to Message 130693)
Posted by Silverthorne
on Apr 19, 2004 01:55 AM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
Hi and welcome to the board.
A couple of questions for you then I'll post some comments.
1) How long ago were his offenses?
2) Is he on the registry (is that how you found him)?
3) What is your friend basing her statement "he didnt do it" on? Just what he told her? I mean if he has two convictions its pretty obvious something is up.
4) Is your friend "brainwashed" by this guy and gullible? What I mean is she the type of person who would be easily taken over?
5) What is her motivation for marrying this guy? I mean hes unemployed?
6) Is the baby his child or someone elses?
Now for some answers. First if he isn't on probation anymore there are probably no restrictions against him. Thats why finding out how long ago his convictions were is important. If they were awhile ago he's probably not on probation anymore.
If he acted out with a late teenage girl I doubt an infant girl would be in trouble. On the other hand if he acted out against a toddler theres a real worry. Can you find out exactly what he did?
How old is this guy and your friend? Mr.Mom? Why isn't he working?
Silverthorne
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Message 130744 (In Reply to Message 130693)
Posted by dp1
on Apr 19, 2004 02:23 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
http://docapp8.doc.state.ok.us/servlet/page?_pageid=190&_dad=portal30&_schema=PORTAL30
Here's the URL to the sex offender registry in your state. The Department of Corrections also has a link conveniently located on the right hand column. If this child molester is on supervision with the Department of Corrections then notify them immediately. If not, you could also ask DOC which county he was busted in and contact the local police station for a copy of the police report.
If he has molested babies or young children in the past then I would immediately contact Child Protection Services in your local area.
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Message 130790 (In Reply to Message 130730)
Quick Rundown...
Posted by mrschickenauctionman
on Apr 19, 2004 04:35 PM | Also by mrschickenauctionman
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Oklahoma,
Country: United States |
This woman (36) grew up poor, father ran out on them, low self-esteem. She married a man (never worked) and stayed with him and his drug problem for 18 yrs. (This woman has been to college, and has been employed with a very reputable law firm in OKC for over 9 years. She does have SOME common sense.) Divorced him, and in the process, hooked up with this guy (40 something) who was living in a motel with his brother. She moved him in, got pregnant, married him the day after the divorce was final. Knowing he didn't work, very controlling, possessive, in my eyes, worthless. He told her of his convictions, with a young teenage girl - said he was set-up. I have a very bad feeling about this guy.
He was charged in 1995 and served 3 years in prison, probation til 2000. Then he was charged with failure to register as a predatory sex offender in 2001. Found guilty at the end of 2002 - 2 years supervised with DOC. Does it matter that he committed these acts with a teenage girl and not a small child? I mean, and I don't know how to put this without sounding harsh, but they both have vaginas, and he is bigger and stronger than a teenage girl, and a small child. I don't know that much about sex offenders, but would the age of the victim be that important? He hasn't seen his own twin daughters (16 yrs) in many years. I cannot find him on the Oklahoma Department of Corrections as a registered sex offender. I have worried myself sick over this situation, she didn't even call me to tell me she has had the baby - that's not like her. I know he won't let her speak to me - they fight when she attempts to. But she is my friend, in her right mind or not, and I don't want anything to happen to that baby...
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Message 130830 (In Reply to Message 130790)
Advice for you
Posted by Silverthorne
on Apr 20, 2004 12:09 AM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
"He told her of his convictions, with a young teenage girl - said he was set-up. I have a very bad feeling about this guy. "
Set up twice? Yeah right. Even if one was you'd think he would've learned his lesson. If he was convicted of failing to register in 2000 as you said it should be save to assume he's on the registry now.
I assume you live in Okla City (said your friend worked there). If so call the Okla City Police and ask them if they have a special unit that keeps track of sex offenders and registration. Odds are they do. (Do you have this guys complete name?). Tell them that this guy is a twice convicted offender (did he molest two girls or is one of the convictions the failure to register???). Then tell him you can't find him on the registry and give them the address. Let them investigate. If he failed to register and is supposed to this will be a second offense and he wont get off with probation. I assume the "2 years supervised with DOC" was probation of some sort and nothing else?
Frankly I'm shocked that it's only eight years since his offense and he's not even on probation anymore. I mean most SO get lifetime or at least 10-20 years probation.
If you can find out details about his crime try to do so. It should be public record (you don't need to tell him or your friend). In 1995 he would've been 33 years old so having a "setup" fling with a 16 year old is a bunch of bull. Also how do you know she was 16? Is that just what he said? I know one guy who tells people his SO conviction was for having an affair at 17 with a 14 year old. He really molested an 8 and 7 year old. Theres no way to tell the age because the conviction (charge) is the same (sexual conduct with a minor).
Find out what he did. If he was in Okla City when he did the deed it should be a matter of going down to the courthouse with his name and finding out what happend. At worst you may have to spend a couple hundred bucks to have a PI do a background check on him. Heck there are websites you can use for that but a OCI PI would be better.
As for being a danger I doubt it. It sounds like he has lousy impulse control and is into older girls. For toddlers its probably not a danger. At this stage I'd be more concerned that your friend is falling into another bad relationship like the last. Its like domestic abuse, theres a reason women find "bad" partners, it sounds like thats what she's doing.
Why won't she listen to reason?
Silverthorne
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Message 130834 (In Reply to Message 130790)
Posted by orolan
on Apr 20, 2004 12:15 AM | Also by orolan
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I agree with Silver for the most part. But as for the safety of hte baby, I'm not so sure. While he may not sexually abuse a baby, his demeanor and attitude as you describe it is not exactly conducive to caring for a baby. That takes a lot of love, compassion, patience and understanding. I know, because I've done it three times. There is no room for an angry, possessive short-tempered person in a baby's life.
If you want to PM me with his last name only, I could see what I can learn. Maybe he is registered in another state, like Texas or Missouri?
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Message 130836 (In Reply to Message 130834)
Posted by Silverthorne
on Apr 20, 2004 12:18 AM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
"While he may not sexually abuse a baby, his demeanor and attitude as you describe it is not exactly conducive to caring for a baby."
Orolan is right. It falls in line with what I said about women finding bad partners over and over again. He sounds like he hardly has the responsibility and nurturing skills to be a father.
So I assume he is the babies father? I doubt it she fought it he would have a chance in heck of getting any type of custody if they split.
Silverthorne
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Message 130847 (In Reply to Message 130836)
Posted by mrschickenauctionman
on Apr 20, 2004 12:44 AM | Also by mrschickenauctionman
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Oklahoma,
Country: United States |
Yes, unfortunately, he is the father. As for "splitting" with this man and keeping custody of the child - her last husband, who was worthless, but very calm-mannered, took 18 years to get rid of, with a little help from me - this one would probably be abusive, if he hasn't already, and would be impossible (in her mind) to get rid of. I was in an extremely abusive relationship, and finally had to leave, endangering myself and my children. This woman took me into her home, with a lunatic after me. But she stated to me, shorlty after he moved in with her, that she was afraid of him, and didn't know how she could ever get him out of her house.
I am not afraid of him - I just don't want to cause any trouble for her. In fact, I would go over to her house to see the baby, which I would really love to do, but I don't want to go to a "registered sex offender's" house, I have small children of my own, and would never want that thrown up at me in the future for any reason.
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Message 130850 (In Reply to Message 130693)
mrschickenauctionman
Posted by DoTheCrimeDoTheTime
on Apr 20, 2004 01:00 AM | Also by DoTheCrimeDoTheTime
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I would be concerned! But, your friend has made a choice. Perhaps you could convince her to seek counsleing to see why she is attracted to a control freak or have her seek counseling to deal with all the stress living/married to a sex offender can bring -they can tell her the signs/symptons to look for.
Be there for her when the FARM excriments hit the fan. Be cautious and keep a watchful eye on the child. Reporting the info you have to Children Protection can be helpful. Stop by during the day unnanouced just to help your friend.
Authorities get involved after the fact. But perhaps yours and others unannounced visits will keep the creep on his toes.
DTCDTT
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Message 130861 (In Reply to Message 130790)
Posted by dp1
on Apr 20, 2004 02:46 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I have issues with yout story because your source is him or second hand info from her. The last thing I'd do is believe a sex offender before I checked things out. I can count the times on one hand that a sex offender actually told the truth and was verified later as the truth. It's extremely rare.
The assumption is that the child is at risk. I'd be digging in the Court records pulling documents to find the truth.
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Message 135654 (In Reply to Message 130790)
well....
Posted by myoung
on Jun 08, 2004 04:43 AM | Also by myoung
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
It sound simple enough to me that common sense would say no freakin way should this guy be allowed to be placed in a situation that may become questionable for him. It's just best not to test the water. He may or may not offend again but, as a protective parent myself, I wouldn't risk it. I don't think it's fair to him or the baby to place either in a situation that may, at some point, raise questions. What if that happens and he didn't do anything? He has a past and not too many people are gonna take him at his word....that's reality.
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Message 135663 (In Reply to Message 130830)
silver
Posted by myoung
on Jun 08, 2004 01:30 PM | Also by myoung
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
you said: "As for being a danger I doubt it. It sounds like he has lousy impulse control and is into older girls. For toddlers its probably not a danger"
Don't you think this child is a convenience being in the home regardless of his possible MO. He may resort to the convenient child. This is simply a risk one should not take regardless of whether it's true. It's like the old saying about cheating spouses: If you suspect it's happening in the first place, it probably is. Not very wise of someone to attempt to compromise that childs' safety knowing there is potential for danger.
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Message 135680 (In Reply to Message 135663)
Not at all myoung
Posted by Silverthorne
on Jun 08, 2004 07:46 PM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
"Don't you think this child is a convenience being in the home regardless of his possible MO. He may resort to the convenient child. This is simply a risk one should not take regardless of whether it's true."
No I dont believe its a case of convenience. Most people who are attracted to children sexually are very set in thier ways as far as WHAT they are attracted to. For example (myself) I would never want to have a 10-12 year old relative sleep at my house because while I wouldn't do anything its not healthy "temptation". On the other hand a 4-6 year old who cares? I would have no problem with that. So the age of attraction is very important. Thus just being a SO doesn't equal being a danger to EVERY child.
Silverthorne
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Message 135712 (In Reply to Message 135680)
let's not be naive
Posted by myoung
on Jun 09, 2004 03:37 AM | Also by myoung
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
silver this child lives in the home. I understand the rationale of MO but when they do not have easy access, criminals of this sort are prone to "take what they can get" especially when it is in house and they are less likely to be caught. It is also easier to keep up the threats and abuse that keep the child quiet. Molesting other people's children leaves the molester without constant presence in the childs life to intimidate etc. Path of least resistance...is human nature silver....I am a little surprised by your response. I also don't agree that a child molester is not a threat to every child. Criminals can stray from their MO when the circumstance necessitates it. You are an intelligent man silver. I am already aware of that so I am surprised by the narrow view you are taking on human behavior.
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Message 135725 (In Reply to Message 135680)
Silver
Posted by dp1
on Jun 09, 2004 05:00 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I disagree Silver. Most of my cases have quite a wide range of attraction. I'm starting to think the psychologists are filling our heads with stuff about pedos that is simply not true. Based on my experience it would be rare to see someone so focused and fixated on a specific age range. You have to remember that most SO's are not pedophiles. They are sex offenders. Sex offenders don't respect boundaries. Pedophiles make up there own. There is a big difference IMO.
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Message 135745 (In Reply to Message 135680)
Silver
Posted by dp1
on Jun 09, 2004 12:38 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I'd like to point out another odd behavior with pedophiles.
The unique thing I've noticed with pedophiles that are attracted to young males is that they seem to originally start the abuse at a very young age. However, they pride themselves on giving these boys "acts of love" for many years afterwards. It's very common for them to continue having sex with them well into their teens. So yes, the original attraction is fixated on very young boys, but reality is they are abusing boys of all ages if you take into account the years of abuse with each victim.
I have a case right now that is extremely unique. He started having sex with many young boys years ago. Some are adults now. He continues to have sex with them even though they are no longer children. What a nice way to convince himself he's actually gay, not a pedophile, don't ya think?
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Message 135909 (In Reply to Message 135745)
Another thing
Posted by Silverthorne
on Jun 11, 2004 11:37 PM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
DP1,
Another thing is they are usually attracted to boys at a very young age themselves. I look at myself at 13 and have listend to people in group or read bio's online and seen that is the normal case. Who can you talk to at that age? Parents, school, priest? There is no one for these kids.
Silverthorne
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Thread
130693, mrschickenauctionman, Apr 18, 2004 08:24 PM [What do I do?]
130730, Silverthorne, Apr 19, 2004 01:55 AM
130790, mrschickenauctionman, Apr 19, 2004 04:35 PM [Quick Rundown...]
130830, Silverthorne, Apr 20, 2004 12:09 AM [Advice for you]
135663, myoung, Jun 08, 2004 01:30 PM [silver]
135680, Silverthorne, Jun 08, 2004 07:46 PM [Not at all myoung]
135712, myoung, Jun 09, 2004 03:37 AM [let's not be naive]
135725, dp1, Jun 09, 2004 05:00 AM [Silver]
135745, dp1, Jun 09, 2004 12:38 PM [Silver]
135909, Silverthorne, Jun 11, 2004 11:37 PM [Another thing]
130834, orolan, Apr 20, 2004 12:15 AM
130836, Silverthorne, Apr 20, 2004 12:18 AM
130847, mrschickenauctionman, Apr 20, 2004 12:44 AM
130861, dp1, Apr 20, 2004 02:46 AM
135654, myoung, Jun 08, 2004 04:43 AM [well....]
130744, dp1, Apr 19, 2004 02:23 AM
130850, DoTheCrimeDoTheTime, Apr 20, 2004 01:00 AM [mrschickenauctionman]
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