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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): need to vent and understand
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Message 130565 (In Reply to Message 130538)
thumper
Posted by deadmomwalking
on Apr 17, 2004 08:00 AM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 50 - 59,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
Hi thumper
I am very sorry for what you have gone through. I hope you can find some sort of peace and move on but you won't be able to do that living under the same roof as the man who molested you. My daughter found that even living in the same community was too stressful - she was incredibly anxious about even going to the grocery store lest she run into the perp or his wife or daughter. We have set her up in a small apartment in the next town - she still comes home quite a bit, but it gives her a refuge. I have to say that when my daughter first disclosed her abuse and wouldn't tell us who it was I went through a whole list of possibilities in my head that included family members, even, God forbid, her father. I had to consider the worst possibilities and know that I could face it. I knew that no matter who it was I would not allow that person to get near her again - and if that meant pullling up stakes, emptying the bank account and moving across the country that is what I would do. At the same time, DP, I don't think I would have gone to the police if it was a member of the family. I would have confronted the person and made sure other people with kids were warned but I would have probaby done it quietly. From what I've seen these things in families tear the family to shreds - and cause the victim even more pain because they lose even more needed support. However if my daughter wanted to take it to the police I would have supported her.
Even as it is, I think my daughter is extremely regretful that the police became involved. She feels very guilty about the hurt done to the perp's daughter and wife, although, of course, I have told her that the pain they are going through is yet another consequence of his evil actions, not her refusing to keep his dirty secret any more. We were not eager to go to the police, however there was a lot of pressure on my daughter to do so from social workers, friends, etc. She was made to feel guilty about possible other victims. She was told the perp needed "help". She was told that it was even possible he had molested his own daughter - her friend. Social Services actually began investigating our family because of our delay in reporting to the police - they initially felt we weren't begin proactive enough in keeping our daughter safe. We were between a rock and a hard place. We promised my daughter we wouldn't do anything until she was ready and that we would support any decision she made. She did not want to go to the police, so we respected that. At the same time we had to try and avoid this family who had been our best friends without twigging them that something was going on in case the police did become involved. However we couldn't continue as normal because we needed to keep the perp and his family away from our daughter, not to mention that we wanted to keep them away from us.
A nurse in the hospital (where my daughter was for a suicide attempt) phoned the police when we were out of town for a few days and they arrive and sat there until my daughter agreed to give a statement. Truthfully, I was not very happy with the way things were handled. The police fed my daughter the same stories - that other girls needed protection, that the perp needed help, that it would probably be a relief to him to be able to get the secret out and that he would probably confess (yeah, right!)
Your stepfather should indeed be held accountable, as should the creep that has ruined my daughter's life, but the fact is that we would be lucky to get a conviction, and even if we did it is unlikely he would serve any time. The important thing is to concentrate on you, not him. I desperately wish, as does my daughter, that we could go back in time - but we can't - we can only lurch forward. My daughter's sense of herself is in tatters and she needs to rebuilt that. Every day I try and remind of of the positive things - the personal strengths, the resources - that she still has under the rubble of the abuse. She is bright, she is compassionate, she is loving, she is multi-talented. All the raw materials are still there to become a wonderful adult - she just needs to rebuild the vessel to hold them. I am sure you also have wonderful qualities (don't worry - you don't have to feel embarassed or ashamed hearing this from me - you don't know me!) and the raw materials to make a future for yourself. I hope you are getting some therapy or have some one to talk to about this. There is hope. A couple of months ago I despaired of even keeping my daughter alive - but little by little she is coming out into the light as she realizes that she is no longer carrying the entire burden of that dark secret. She is dancing again. She is getting her schooling done. She is looking for work. If you want to pm me please do so, if I can be of any help.
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Message 130538
Your daughters story is my own
Posted by thumper
on Apr 16, 2004 07:47 PM | Also by thumper
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 21 - 29,
State: Missouri,
Country: United States |
Thread
126605, deadmomwalking, Jan 31, 2004 07:29 AM
126650, Silverthorne, Jan 31, 2004 11:31 PM [Hello DMW]
126812, deadmomwalking, Feb 03, 2004 05:39 AM
126999, PVulcan, Feb 08, 2004 01:43 PM [Hi Mom]
127741, Rachel, Feb 25, 2004 01:09 PM [If you need someone to talk to....]
127824, deadmomwalking, Feb 27, 2004 10:09 PM
127951, bess, Mar 02, 2004 12:17 PM
128039, deadmomwalking, Mar 04, 2004 10:01 AM
128107, bess, Mar 05, 2004 01:33 PM
128147, glasschicken50, Mar 06, 2004 01:39 PM [the power of prayer!]
128169, cathie, Mar 07, 2004 03:49 AM [deadmomwalking]
129147, tryingtosurvive, Mar 25, 2004 04:18 PM [I dont have a clue ....]
129149, tryingtosurvive, Mar 25, 2004 04:36 PM [just a ps]
129166, dp1, Mar 25, 2004 10:54 PM [TTS]
130538, thumper, Apr 16, 2004 07:47 PM [Your daughters story is my own]
130558, dp1, Apr 17, 2004 04:17 AM [thumper]
130565, deadmomwalking, Apr 17, 2004 08:00 AM [thumper]
130602, Silverthorne, Apr 18, 2004 03:30 AM [Thumper]
130539, Rejected
131206, betsemes, Apr 22, 2004 03:26 PM
131220, TGoodman, Apr 22, 2004 06:38 PM [To betsemes]
131249, deadmomwalking, Apr 22, 2004 09:40 PM
131333, betsemes, Apr 23, 2004 02:18 PM
131336, betsemes, Apr 23, 2004 02:56 PM
131353, steve, Apr 23, 2004 04:55 PM
131364, betsemes, Apr 23, 2004 05:18 PM
131375, steve, Apr 23, 2004 06:03 PM [Explanation of what happened ...]
131485, deadmomwalking, Apr 24, 2004 08:21 AM
131323, bess, Apr 23, 2004 07:57 AM [Shamans and other healers]
131486, deadmomwalking, Apr 24, 2004 08:25 AM
133583, greatdad53, May 14, 2004 02:20 AM [My daughter and I both feel your Pain!]
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