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Message 128107 (In Reply to Message 126605)

Posted by bess on Mar 05, 2004 01:33 PM | Also by bess

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: 40 - 49, State: N/A, Country: United States

> Do you mind me asking how old you were when the assaults took
> place

I was 8-years-old. Unlike most children, I guess, I was not abused over a period of time and I didn’t know the attackers. I was raped by two men over a period of a few hours, but there was only this one incident. I never told anyone about it. It would have been obvious that something had happened if any one looked at me, but no one did. You see, while I was never sexually or physically abused by my family, I was neglected. My parents didn’t generally even know if I was home and did not really care. I got my own food, did my own laundry, etc. I could have run around and been wild, but I was “good” instead. Anyway, I was depressed even before I was raped and spent a lot of time by myself in my room avoiding all contact with others. I would sometimes only leave my room when my mother was out, or at night when everyone was sleeping. After I was attacked, this is what I did. Therefore there was nothing really new in my strange behavior. It did go on longer than it ever had before, but no one tried to find out if anything was wrong. Thus, no one ever found out -- much to my relief at the time.

> how old you were when you started to address them.

I guess I always tried to address it in a way. I went over what happened mentally again and again. At first this was in total terror, but after a while I only felt sad. I also tried to figure out why the attackers did this to me. I mean, I understood how, and to a certain extent why, someone you knew would hurt you, but I did not understand why a total stranger would hurt you. When I got older I forced myself to go to places that reminded me of the place where I was attacked and things like that. I never had any kind of therapy and I have never even read a self-help book.

I first mentioned it to someone about a year ago. I am in my mid-forties now. I told three people (two by e-mail and one by letter). One girl never wrote back to me after that. A guy I know said nothing for a long time, but suggested that I e-mail a friend of his who has a reputation of helping people with their problems and helped him quite a bit. So I wrote to this girl. She told me that she had been raped too -- in a “past life” when she was a Priestess in Atlantis! Well, what happened to me was real, so I regarded this as rather insulting.

This experience of telling others was rather distressing to me. At the time I was attacked, I thought that no one would care, that it happened because I was “bad,” and that if I revealed it I would get “in trouble.” I especially thought my parents would not care, as they just did not care about me. So when none of the people I told seemed to care, it was like what I thought originally was true: I was a worthless person whom no one wanted to waste any time about.

> How long did your recovery take? Do you feel recovered now
> I know that my daughter's recovery is going to take a long time --
> she's already been through 4 years of hell. My daughter started
> noticeably falling apart about 6 months after the assaults ended,
> has been sick for the past 3 years and only seems to have
> remembered what had happened (the assults) a few months ago.

I would say that it took decades. I do not feel totally recovered now, but I am certainly much better than I ever thought I could be. When I was young I never thought I could have anything approaching a normal life. Indeed, I was quite sure I would never grow up at all. I was sure I would kill myself first.

I think that if I had some kind of support that I would have done better. That is why I am so glad you are trying to help you daughter! But still, three years or four years is not really that long when one is dealing with a very traumatic event. You shouldn’t get discouraged because things seem to be going slowly. I would say you should even expect her to have relapses now and then. She will have to recover at her own pace. And never, never doubt that by just being there for her and by loving her that you are helping her!

> When these disclosures first came out, everyone's response was,
> "So that's it. Well, now that that's out she can really get better.
> " She then proceed to go through the most self-destructive
> phase yet.

Well, she could probably deal to some extent with her own feelings and with your feelings, but now she had the reactions of these other people to worry about. I am sure she imagined a thousand things hurtful or alarming things they could be thinking. And even if they all mean well, it is uncomfortable to have a private and distressing aspect of your life known.

I would like to comment on some of the other things you have said, but I am afraid that my post would then be too long. Thank you very much for you kind words! I really would like to hear further updates from you!

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Message 126605

Posted by deadmomwalking on Jan 31, 2004 07:29 AM | Also by deadmomwalking

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: 50 - 59, State: N/A, Country: Canada

I apologize for the length of this post but I had to get this all down somewhere to try and make sense of it.

My 17 yr old daughter has been suffering from a variety of anxiety/depression related disorders the last few years – anorexia, compulsive exercising, suicidal ideation and attempts, panic attacks, insomnia, headaches, stomach-aches and auto-immune disorders.  We have been through the wringer and been to numerous health-care professionals trying to figure out what could have possibly caused an academically-gifted, beautiful, talented girl with a loving family to have such low self-esteem, hate herself so much and be so afraid of life.  A couple of months ago, while in hospital for depression, she disclosed that she had been repeatedly sexually assaulted by a close family friend when she was 12 to 13.  This guy is married, has a daughter her age, seems completely normal, has been a “good” helpful neighbour and model citizen.  At 12 my daughter was just beginning to show signs of puberty but oblivious to boys; she was happy, energetic, talented and sweet, if a little timid and overly eager to please. He has stolen her innocence, her normal teenage development. She seemed to have such potential and we had such great hopes for her.  Now we just hope to keep her alive.

At first I simply could not believe it.  Surely she must have somehow imagined it! Maybe it was her medications or her lack of sleep.  Maybe it caused her to hallucinate.
1.	How could we not have known?  Wouldn’t we have noticed her distress?  We spend a lot of time with our kids.  They are not long out of our sight.
2.	When would she have even been alone with him?
3.	How could it happen again and again?
4.	Why didn’t she tell us?
5.	How could he sit across the table from us, smiling sympathetically as we worried over our daughter’s health, knowing what he had done.
Answers:
1.	The assaults began when my husband was diagnosed and being treated for cancer.  The children spent a lot of time at other houses, including the perp’s, and any distress we noticed we would have attributed to stress over her dad’s illness.
2.	She would go over to visit her friend.  The mom worked afternoon shift.  The perp was often home alone and would invite her in to “wait”.  The perp would pick her up from school, even though his daughter had gone elsewhere.
3.	From the first assault when she didn’t tell she was trapped.  She was living in a surreal world, trying to pretend nothing had happened.  We encouraged her friendship with the daughter, sending her over to see what K was up to.  We put her in harm’s way.  Perhaps she even thought we approved.
4.	She was so ashamed and confused.  She couldn’t believe it was happening.  He told her it was her fault.  He told her it would kill her parents if they knew.  He told her that it would destroy their families if anyone found out. She tried to tell us by repeatedly refusing to join us when we visit the family, even by running away once when we had invited them over for dinner – we thought she was being inexplicably difficult.
5.	Either he is a complete psychopath or he is a pathetic coward who will sell his soul to save his worthless hide.

The assaults pretty much ran the gamut of “normal” heterosexual activity.  That is as normal as you can get when a 45 yr old man rapes a little 12 year old girl.  The first time he invited her in, played good host, chatted and joked with her before moving over and putting his arm around her – “paternally”.  My daughter, a trifle uncomfortable, smiles sweetly.  He tells her how “pretty” she is, how she is “developing nicely” and how she is going to be a “10”.  He slips his hand under her shirt.  She isn’t wearing a bra because she isn’t that developed yet.  She tries to squirm away.  She is scared and says “Please, no” but continues to smile at him – a trusted father figure she has known since kindergarten.  He whispers more sweet nothings and continues to try and get under her clothes.  He tells her he is going to show her “something nice that friends do for each other”.  The assault proceeds – I will spare you the details.  At some point when she is terrified and crying he yells that if she didn’t want to finish she shouldn’t have got started.  He asks her to do things that horrify her and she doesn’t understand.  By this time she is sobbing and petrified.  Suddenly he stops and says he is sorry, that he couldn’t help himself because she was so sexy, he gently helps her get her clothes back on.  He is a completely different person – back to fatherly friend. He tells her that no one can ever know – it might kill her parents.  That it would destroy their families.  My daughter doesn’t remember going home or anything that happened afterwards.  The second time was worse, she says but she can’t remember it all, only that it started out much the same and she remembers being under him and feeling as if she was being suffocated and that it really hurt.  She closed her eyes and “went somewhere else”.  She cannot or will not talk about the details of the other assaults, which continued for about a year.  She continues to blame herself, saying that “it wasn’t really his fault” or “it was partly my fault”.  When I ask her why she says, “because I am a freak”, “because I was smiling and laughing at his jokes – he thought I was flirting with him” or “because I went over there, even though it had happened before – I was stupid”.

She first disclosed to a nurse when she was in the hospital.  She was not prompted to do so.  She frightened by the violence of another patient and the feeling of panic brought memories to the surface.  Sexual abuse has never been a hot topic of therapy sessions (although I am not sure why).  She had been asked a couple of times whether she had been sexually abused – she said she never knew what that meant.  The story is coming out in pieces, as she remembers more details and as she sees that she is believed.  It does not have the feel of a fabricated or imagined story.  The narrative doesn’t make sense at times, the details do, however. She does not make any attempt to present herself in a good light and she tries to excuse the perp’s behavior.   For a month after her initial disclosure she refused to name the perp, even though we pressed her to.  However little by little, it became obvious who it was, although when asked out right she would deny it. Finally she told me who it was and told her therapist she had told me.  From this point on everyone was after her to go to the police.  We told her the decision was up to her and we would support whatever action she took.  The police came to the hospital one night when we were out of town and sat with her until she agreed to give a statement.  They then asked her to press charges.  She was reluctant but they told her that other girls could be at risk so she finally agreed.

Even though I would love to see the creep behind bars I am very worried about the court thing.  There is no way my daughter is strong enough to go through a trial and it is unlikely it would result in a conviction in any case.  There is no doubt in my mind that the assaults occurred.  Her story is consistent and credible, even if some parts are missing.  She did actively avoid the perp, and later he noticeably avoided her.  The symptoms of her illness are consistent with PTSD.  Even though the police unanimously believed her story and thought he was lying, there is no physical evidence 5 years after the fact and she cannot even remember when the assaults occurred. It is her word against his.   She has offered to take a polygraph – he has refused.  He claims she is mentally ill (that much is true at least, thanks to him!) and that she has imagined the whole thing.  He claims false memory syndrome.  There is no reason for her to fabricate the story.  She has been good friends with the daughter and grieves over the loss of that friendship.  She is humiliated that her friends will know.  We have no axe to grind with the family (until now and now it is a very big axe) and this is Canada so we have nothing to gain financially and only things to lose by pressing this case.

She still cannot make sense of what went on.  She was a very young 12 – more like a 10 year old physically and emotionally.  She has not really matured.  She is terrified of sex and boys (I never understood this until now) and avoids all sexual material (movies or books).  She is relentlessly suicidal.  She believes her disclosure has brought the world down around around our family and his.  She misses her friend; she believes she has taken a good friendship away from me.  One night, after the disclosure but before it had been reported to police the wife dropped by to see how we were doing.  I hustled her out.  That night my daughter attempted suicide.  She continues to be almost relentlessly suicidal.  She self injures herself quite badly.  She has flashbacks and cannot sleep.  She does not want to sleep because for the first time in years she dreams and the dreams are awful.  She will have physical and emotional scars for life.  She is completely guilt-ridden and ashamed.  Up until a few months ago she was struggling through her eating disorder and depression to try and get her life back.  Now she has given up.  She says see is tired and just wants to stop existing.  She says she is a freak and was never meant to be.

I really need help to understand how someone could do this and look at himself in the mirror.  He is a practicing Catholic.  How does he justify himself to God?  By forcing her to carry the entire burden of his disgraceful actions he has brought her to the brink of death.  How can he continue to lie, knowing what those lies have cost her and our family?  He used to talk about what a great talented kid she was, how she was a lot smarter than him.  Did he imagine she was somehow his peer, that  it was just “an affair”, that a timid young girl was capable of consenting or saying no to a much larger and previously trusted father figure; that her nervous smiles were an indication that she was “enjoying it”.  What can possibly have been going on in his head.  Perhaps the “proud pedophiles” can explain this to me.

I do not know how to help my daughter.  She is getting daily counseling but she is not listening.  She is only listening to the tapes in her head telling her what a worthless piece of garbage she is.  I cannot seem to reach her.  Can anyone who has been there and come out on the other side give me advice on how to get through this?

Thread

126605, deadmomwalking, Jan 31, 2004 07:29 AM
      126650, Silverthorne, Jan 31, 2004 11:31 PM [Hello DMW]
            126812, deadmomwalking, Feb 03, 2004 05:39 AM
      126999, PVulcan, Feb 08, 2004 01:43 PM [Hi Mom]
      127741, Rachel, Feb 25, 2004 01:09 PM [If you need someone to talk to....]
            127824, deadmomwalking, Feb 27, 2004 10:09 PM
      127951, bess, Mar 02, 2004 12:17 PM
            128039, deadmomwalking, Mar 04, 2004 10:01 AM
      128107, bess, Mar 05, 2004 01:33 PM
      128147, glasschicken50, Mar 06, 2004 01:39 PM [the power of prayer!]
      128169, cathie, Mar 07, 2004 03:49 AM [deadmomwalking]
            129147, tryingtosurvive, Mar 25, 2004 04:18 PM [I dont have a clue ....]
            129149, tryingtosurvive, Mar 25, 2004 04:36 PM [just a ps]
                  129166, dp1, Mar 25, 2004 10:54 PM [TTS]
      130538, thumper, Apr 16, 2004 07:47 PM [Your daughters story is my own]
            130558, dp1, Apr 17, 2004 04:17 AM [thumper]
            130565, deadmomwalking, Apr 17, 2004 08:00 AM [thumper]
            130602, Silverthorne, Apr 18, 2004 03:30 AM [Thumper]
      130539, Rejected
      131206, betsemes, Apr 22, 2004 03:26 PM
            131220, TGoodman, Apr 22, 2004 06:38 PM [To betsemes]
            131249, deadmomwalking, Apr 22, 2004 09:40 PM
                  131333, betsemes, Apr 23, 2004 02:18 PM
                        131336, betsemes, Apr 23, 2004 02:56 PM
                              131353, steve, Apr 23, 2004 04:55 PM
                                    131364, betsemes, Apr 23, 2004 05:18 PM
                                          131375, steve, Apr 23, 2004 06:03 PM [Explanation of what happened ...]
                                          131485, deadmomwalking, Apr 24, 2004 08:21 AM
      131323, bess, Apr 23, 2004 07:57 AM [Shamans and other healers]
            131486, deadmomwalking, Apr 24, 2004 08:25 AM
      133583, greatdad53, May 14, 2004 02:20 AM [My daughter and I both feel your Pain!]

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Forum: Victims and Survivors CornerThread (Discussion): need to vent and understand

Message 128107 (In Reply to Message 126605)

Message 126605

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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): need to vent and understand