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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): need to vent and understand
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Message 127824 (In Reply to Message 127741)
Posted by deadmomwalking
on Feb 27, 2004 10:09 PM | Also by deadmomwalking
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 50 - 59,
State: N/A,
Country: Canada |
Hi Rachel,
Thank you for your response. I am glad to hear that your daughter seems to be doing well. Perhaps her age worked to her advantage. In spite of what my daughter has been through the professionals tell us that her age is working for her as well - that it is better this is dealt with now than in her mid-thirties when she has children and self-destructs or after a string of disastrous relationships.
I think there are several things that made this particularly traumatic for my daughter. The perpetrator was a trusted and even loved father figure - a good friend’s father. My daughter’s personality - she is shy, self-conscious, highly sensitive and eager to please. She was extremely bright academically but behind her friends physically and emotionally. At 12 she was more like a 10 year old. Teachers would say she was “mature” when they really meant bright and obedient. She was very popular with teachers, and while she was too shy to be popular with classmates, she had a good set of friends and didn’t have a enemy in the world. We lived in a idyllic middle-class neighbourhood. She led a protected, privileged life. She had NO street smarts and in this sense, as parents, we were negligent. We were of the “why make them grow up too fast by exposing them to ugliness in the world” philosophy.
In the years just prior to and during the assaults we had a number of family crises that may have shaken her faith in the order of the universe - a friend of hers died of cancer, my sister died of leukemia, my mother had a heart-attack and her dad got cancer (in fact she is fairly certain one of the earlier assaults occurred when her father was in the hospital). For 2 years I had been pre-occupied with family illnesses. In grade 7 she found herself in a different class from the friends she had known since kindergarten. Her best friend since kindergarten seemed to lose interest in her and tried to join the popular group at school. Her father seemed to become more demanding and critical of her, for some reason. I have talked with a few friends about this phenomenon - ie, fathers becoming more critical of their “little princesses” as they enter puberty and I wonder if it isn’t some sort of evoluationary defense mechanism, so that they distance themselves. In any case, she had been a bright, happy, high energy, high achieving kid. In the fall after turning twelve she had become increasingly self-conscious, vulnerable, sad and lonely. Because of all these factors I wasn’t overly surprised when she seemed anxious and weepy or when she lashed out at her younger brother who she had previously got along with so well.
As she struggled with friendships at school, I encouraged her to see more of the perpetrator’s daughter, whose mother was one of my best friends. We, the moms, pushed the two of them together, even though my daughter seemed quite reluctant (I have sinced learned that the daughter had pressured her into sexual play a year before the assaults by the father began). She was a shy, trusting compliant child. It was not really in her repertoire to say no to adults. She literally NEVER openly disobeyed an adult - she would at times avoid doing things she didn't want to do but never be openly defiant. The perpetrator knew this about her and used it against her. He put her in a position from which there was no escape. Unable to say no to him she simply froze. During the assaults he threatened her with physical violence, when she “wasn’t doing it right” (eg. he couldn’t keep it up). He repeatedly begged her not to tell anyone because it would “destroy their families and it might kill her parents”. He may have meant this figuratively but she took it literally.
At the time the offenses started she was just beginning her adolescent development - she hadn't started her period yet (that wasn't to start for another 4 years) but she had some breast development and was starting to change shape a bit. She was extremely self-conscious about this and was mortified that someone used these changes as an excuse. Many kids in the beginning of puberty think they are freaks and that no one else is going through what they are - they are so focussed on the changes in themselves that they don't notice it happening in everyone else. The perp told her that "he couldn't help himself" because of the way her body was "blossoming". She literally believed that - that there was something about HER that turned this trusted friend of the family into an animal. She had already been approached sexually by his daughter a year earlier. None of her friends were having these experiences, as far as she knew. It must really be HER. There was something disgusting and bad about her.
Kids on the playground were gossiping and snickering about sexual activity at this age and it was clear what was thought of girls who had sex (whatever that was) with boys. She was terrified that someone would find out. Also the perpetrator used his daughter as bait, ie., he would tell my daughter that his daughter really wanted to see her. Sometimes he would pick her up from school. Again she felt trapped. The very thing that would have protected her if the perpetrator was a stranger (being picked up in a public place) worked against her because she could not get away without calling attention to herself and the situation. (We carpooled with the family so it was normal for him to pick her up.) The perp would tell her that his daughter was just upstairs and would be coming down; my daughter was never in fact sure whether the daughter was actually there and was somehow "in on" things.
She began to dread going to school because she was afraid people knew and were talking about her and would hate her. At the same time her best friend began avoiding her, and she, once again, wrongly interpreted this as the result of her being such a freak. In a questionnaire in a teen journal , in answer to the question “Have you ever been sexually abused?” she wrote “I don’t think so.” Later she crossed out the “don’t”. This was part of the problem. My daughter only knew sex defined as intercourse and she only understood that that was for making babies. She couldn’t see how the activities she was being forced to engage in had anything to do with sex. She just thought they were degrading and disgusting.
She felt completely trapped. She was too ashamed to tell anyone about the assaults - she was afraid she would be in trouble and people would hate her. Without telling there was nothing she could do to stop them - she said she just gave up and did whatever he asked without making a fuss so it would be over with as soon as possible. During the assaults she just “went somewhere else”. In the meantime the two families were becoming closer, as we were frequently and persistently invited for dinner. The other mom and I went out for coffee at least twice a week - she was one of my closest friends and a confidante. We often encouraged our daughter to run over and see what “Q” was up to. We thought we were doing her a favour by helping her develop a healthy friendship. In fact, we were putting her in harm’s way - so much so that she wondered if we even knew about the assaults and approved. In the meantime the perp was telling her how what they were doing was “just something nice friends do for each other”, curiously echoing his daughter who had tearfully told my daughter that if she “was really her friend she would do it (engage in sex play) with her”. The man then sat across the dinner table from us, shared Christmasses with us, while he watched my daughter slowly disintegrate. He knew the awful secret that he had forced her to carry and he did nothing. The evil of this ordinary, unassuming man boggles the mind.
My daughter’s experience is a textbook tragedy which illustrates why we have “age of consent” laws and the illogical, minimizing behavior of the offender. On the one hand they assume that the child is “on par” with them in terms of being able to reason regarding consent; on the other hand they use the child’s lack of knowledge, naiivety and fear in order to trick or coerce them in sexual activity. The typical “non-violent” sexual offender believes that the child is consenting because they don’t resist, or seem willing, when, as in my daughter’s case they simply don’t know how to say no to an adult. They imagine that their attraction to the child is somehow the child's fault. In this case the perp told my daughter "he just couldn't help himself" because of her great "bod" and "that beautiful hair", as if the child has somehow deliberately developed these attributes just to try and attract them. They imagine the child thinks the way they (adults) do when in fact the child may not be thinking at all (disassociating) or making connections which seem ridiculous to adults but make sense to a child who is not far removed from believing in monsters and Santa Claus. In our case, my daughter actually imagined that she may have been responsible for her father’s cancer because she was this “evil freak”. Because she was not able to talk about her terror it became a monster in her head. Just because a child is beginning to develop physically does not mean they are in any way ready for sex. The perp rationalized that he was just giving my daughter a “little harmless eduation”. What he taught her was that she was a worthless creature who only existed for someone else’s gratification and that no one (especially any male) can ever be trusted.
My daughter’s case is currently being considered by the crown prosecutor. We are meeting with them next week. It is extremely unlikely that this man will be convicted as there is no non-circumstantial evidence other than her testimony. The defense is arguing that my daughter is mentally ill and has imagined the whole thing. Once again he perp is using his evil against her. It is his actions which have made her so ill - now he is arguing that because she is ill he obviously can’t be held responsible for any accusations she makes. My daughter seems to be slowly coming back into the light, however. I am beginning to once again hope that she will get well - that she will eventually be happy and productive. She says she does not really care whether or not he is convicted or goes to jail. She just wants to look at him and tells him that she remembers what he did to her and our family. My own urges are much less peaceable.
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Message 127741
If you need someone to talk to....
Posted by Rachel
on Feb 25, 2004 01:09 PM | Also by Rachel
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 40 - 49,
State: N/A,
Country: Australia |
Thread
126605, deadmomwalking, Jan 31, 2004 07:29 AM
126650, Silverthorne, Jan 31, 2004 11:31 PM [Hello DMW]
126812, deadmomwalking, Feb 03, 2004 05:39 AM
126999, PVulcan, Feb 08, 2004 01:43 PM [Hi Mom]
127741, Rachel, Feb 25, 2004 01:09 PM [If you need someone to talk to....]
127824, deadmomwalking, Feb 27, 2004 10:09 PM
127951, bess, Mar 02, 2004 12:17 PM
128039, deadmomwalking, Mar 04, 2004 10:01 AM
128107, bess, Mar 05, 2004 01:33 PM
128147, glasschicken50, Mar 06, 2004 01:39 PM [the power of prayer!]
128169, cathie, Mar 07, 2004 03:49 AM [deadmomwalking]
129147, tryingtosurvive, Mar 25, 2004 04:18 PM [I dont have a clue ....]
129149, tryingtosurvive, Mar 25, 2004 04:36 PM [just a ps]
129166, dp1, Mar 25, 2004 10:54 PM [TTS]
130538, thumper, Apr 16, 2004 07:47 PM [Your daughters story is my own]
130558, dp1, Apr 17, 2004 04:17 AM [thumper]
130565, deadmomwalking, Apr 17, 2004 08:00 AM [thumper]
130602, Silverthorne, Apr 18, 2004 03:30 AM [Thumper]
130539, Rejected
131206, betsemes, Apr 22, 2004 03:26 PM
131220, TGoodman, Apr 22, 2004 06:38 PM [To betsemes]
131249, deadmomwalking, Apr 22, 2004 09:40 PM
131333, betsemes, Apr 23, 2004 02:18 PM
131336, betsemes, Apr 23, 2004 02:56 PM
131353, steve, Apr 23, 2004 04:55 PM
131364, betsemes, Apr 23, 2004 05:18 PM
131375, steve, Apr 23, 2004 06:03 PM [Explanation of what happened ...]
131485, deadmomwalking, Apr 24, 2004 08:21 AM
131323, bess, Apr 23, 2004 07:57 AM [Shamans and other healers]
131486, deadmomwalking, Apr 24, 2004 08:25 AM
133583, greatdad53, May 14, 2004 02:20 AM [My daughter and I both feel your Pain!]
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