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Message 126812 (In Reply to Message 126650)

Posted by deadmomwalking on Feb 03, 2004 05:39 AM | Also by deadmomwalking

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: 50 - 59, State: N/A, Country: Canada

Dear Silver,

I did read your story and it is something that a few months ago I would have just shook my head over sadly but not been able to relate to. I truly admire your attempts to be a good person in spite of the demons this man created for you. I also am grateful for your lengthy and perceptive reply. I see a lot of similarity to what happened with my daughter, although in her case there was no real physical violence. The perp merely used his “semi-parental” authority. (Our two families had often “babysat” each other’s kids). In this sense perhaps some of her issues are different. The violence in your case adds another level of violation, and attendant anger. For you the sense of powerlessness must be huge. However, having the abuser be a close, liked and trusted father figure is a huge betrayal and the sort of thing that splits the mind. It makes it even more difficult for her not to take the blame on herself. He is after all her friend’s father and liked by her parents. When the families got together he played the role of good father, husband and friend. ergo, she must be bad or a freak if he was doing this terrible thing to her and telling her it is her fault. SNAFU. She does and will have tremendous issues with trust - how can she trust anyone or anything? The centre does not hold.

I do have some questions and comments which I have PM'd to you but I wanted to thank you "publicly" for the helping hand you have extended.

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Message 126650
Hello DMW

Posted by Silverthorne on Jan 31, 2004 11:31 PM | Also by Silverthorne

Gender: Male, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Arizona, Country: United States

DMW,

Hello I'm Silverthorne.  I've been posting here for a few years.  You can read my story (Silverthornes Story) here in this victims section.  While I'm dealing with issues to this day resulting from my own abuse I'm not a sex offender and don't condone any type of contact sexually between adults and minors.

You asked for someone who has "been there".  I guess I'm it (read my story you'll see).

You raise a bunch of concerns about your daughter.  I'll try to address them as best I can.  First lets talk about the dynamic of sexual abuse and what happens when a child is victimized.

1) A child who is victimized in effect "grows up to fast".  What that means is thier normal development emotionally is leapfrogged into adulthood and adult type conduct.  They skip the normal "growing up" experiences of puberty and teen years.  They also (if the abuse was very traumatic) skip something much worse.

2) Social development.  A normal child growing up will have age appropriate peers.  They'll make friends, lose friends, fall in love the first time, have a crush, all the normal things kids do with "emotional sexuality" (my name for it).  When a child is abused this social development is also leapfrogged into adulthood.

In your daughters case she was made a "peer" by this man. She was told how she would be a "10".  She was complimented.  To be honest it happend quickly for her and I'd wonder if there were previous visits when there was other "grooming" type behavior going on?  I'm sure if you look back there will be other little "things" you now can notice.

So your daughter was assaulted over a period of time.  First its important to find out what exactly he told her.  She never told apparently because she was concerned it might affect you or her father who was sick.  So her heart was in the right place and she carried the burden.  Now its time to let her leave the burden behind.

As a child I was happy and outgoing.  But suddenly I became a reculse, moody, spending time alone, not seeing friends, avoiding hugs, just wanting to be left alone.  Sound like her?  Thats me I described but it could be ANY abuse victim.  Looking back now its easy to recognize the signs isn't it?  So what do you do now?  Do you comment "If I had only known" to her?  Do you remind her sometimes about it (even nicely) under the guise of compassion?  This will sound insensitive (dont take it that way) but one of the WORST things you can do for an abuse victim is to remind them of it.  I deal with a 70+ year old mother who still once in a while wanders off and talks about "him" and what happend.  Blaming "him" for everything bad that ever happend.  DONT DO THIS!  Your daughter is a victim but you can victimize her again by reminding her of that.  Don't pressure her or try to force your way in (you said you cant get thru to her).  She will come around in her own time.  Its a survival mechanism.

You said she's in therapy.  What kind of therapy?  Is it inpatient or outpatient?  Is it with a specialist in sexual abuse or just some hospital shrink?  This is VERY important.  Child sexual abuse is a very specialized field.  You need to see EXPERTS not laymen.  Anyone can get a Psychology credential and hang up a shingle.  You need to find a real expert to talk to her.   It may not get thru to her right away but eventually it will.  Until then you need to be supportive WITHOUT constantly reminding her she is a victim.

As I said previously one of the biggest issues with abuse is the diminished social skills.  I know myself you retreat into a shell (where its safe) and don't want to let anyone in.  I assume she didn't have many friends after this?  She needs to get out more and be around people.  Even if she doesn't talk get her out and about.  Being alone all the time isn't healthy (I know I still do it).

I'm not sure about the criminal justice system in Canada.  What have they said about prosecuting this man?  He's claiming "false repressed memory syndrome" a very difficult defense.  Does he have a lawyer already?  Whats the status of the case?

I'm going to recommend you visit this website;

http://www.ipt-forensics.com/

Now I'll come right out and tell you I dont think much of IPT.  When I was suing over my own abuse the defense hired these guys to try and discredit me (it didnt work).  You might checkout thier website and some of the links/articles.  While you believe your daughter is telling the truth you need to understand what this mans defense is all about.  THIS is the kind of stuff they'll be throwing at your daughter if it does go to trial.  These guys are "experts" at repressed memory and false claims.  Read thier stuff and educate yourself.

I'm also going to recommend these books to YOU as a mother (because you sound alot like my mom did when this all came out about my own abuse):

BOOK:
Beginning to Heal : First Steps for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse

LINK: 
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/006096927X/ref=pd_sim_books_2/102-
7521804-2537711?v=glance&s=books

BOOK:
The Courage to Heal - Third Edition - Revised and Expanded : A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse

LINK:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060950668/inktomi-bkasin-20/ref%3Dnosim/
102-7521804-2537711

Both of these books are great resources.  If nothing else buy them for yourself to read so you better understand what's going on with her.  Another good book I know of thats geared toward male victims is called ABUSED BOYS by MIC HUNTER.  Its pretty good and you might check it out.

I've provided links to Amazon.com where you can order those books.  If you do order them please go directly there from this site so Steve the webmaster can get credit for sending you there.  He gets small "commission" (like pennies) that helps offset the substantial costs of maintaining this website and forum.

Finally you asked for someone who has "come thru it" to give you hope.  Hope....... that is what your asking for isn't it?  I'm sorry to say I can't give you hope in the traditional sense.  Being sexually abused will always be a part of a victim.  The key though is learning to live with the fact it happend and learning to work around it.  I will always have trouble trusting people, making friends, I'll always prefer my own company and privacy.  But I do go out now.  I do have some friends.  Am I "normal" for someone just past middle age?  No of course not but I'm working on it.  Working on it is the key.  It wont just heal itself it takes alot of work.  I honestly can't tell you how to get thru to your daughter.  She will have to come to the realization in her own time that she is a good person and can work thru this.  I think alot of what shes feeling is powerlessness.  She needs to get some power back into her life.  To do that she needs to get proper EXPERT help to deal with what happend.

Silverthorne

(If you like you can Private Message me with any personal questions.  Also I often refer people to therapists who need them.  If you can send me a PM message with your province in Canada and the nearest major city I'll attempt to find someone for you who is an expert in dealing with sexual abuse victims).

Thread

126605, deadmomwalking, Jan 31, 2004 07:29 AM
      126650, Silverthorne, Jan 31, 2004 11:31 PM [Hello DMW]
            126812, deadmomwalking, Feb 03, 2004 05:39 AM
      126999, PVulcan, Feb 08, 2004 01:43 PM [Hi Mom]
      127741, Rachel, Feb 25, 2004 01:09 PM [If you need someone to talk to....]
            127824, deadmomwalking, Feb 27, 2004 10:09 PM
      127951, bess, Mar 02, 2004 12:17 PM
            128039, deadmomwalking, Mar 04, 2004 10:01 AM
      128107, bess, Mar 05, 2004 01:33 PM
      128147, glasschicken50, Mar 06, 2004 01:39 PM [the power of prayer!]
      128169, cathie, Mar 07, 2004 03:49 AM [deadmomwalking]
            129147, tryingtosurvive, Mar 25, 2004 04:18 PM [I dont have a clue ....]
            129149, tryingtosurvive, Mar 25, 2004 04:36 PM [just a ps]
                  129166, dp1, Mar 25, 2004 10:54 PM [TTS]
      130538, thumper, Apr 16, 2004 07:47 PM [Your daughters story is my own]
            130558, dp1, Apr 17, 2004 04:17 AM [thumper]
            130565, deadmomwalking, Apr 17, 2004 08:00 AM [thumper]
            130602, Silverthorne, Apr 18, 2004 03:30 AM [Thumper]
      130539, Rejected
      131206, betsemes, Apr 22, 2004 03:26 PM
            131220, TGoodman, Apr 22, 2004 06:38 PM [To betsemes]
            131249, deadmomwalking, Apr 22, 2004 09:40 PM
                  131333, betsemes, Apr 23, 2004 02:18 PM
                        131336, betsemes, Apr 23, 2004 02:56 PM
                              131353, steve, Apr 23, 2004 04:55 PM
                                    131364, betsemes, Apr 23, 2004 05:18 PM
                                          131375, steve, Apr 23, 2004 06:03 PM [Explanation of what happened ...]
                                          131485, deadmomwalking, Apr 24, 2004 08:21 AM
      131323, bess, Apr 23, 2004 07:57 AM [Shamans and other healers]
            131486, deadmomwalking, Apr 24, 2004 08:25 AM
      133583, greatdad53, May 14, 2004 02:20 AM [My daughter and I both feel your Pain!]

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Forum: Victims and Survivors CornerThread (Discussion): need to vent and understand

Message 126812 (In Reply to Message 126650)

Message 126650Hello DMW

Thread

Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): need to vent and understand

Message 126650
Hello DMW