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Thread (Discussion): need to vent and understand

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Message 126650 (In Reply to Message 126605)
Hello DMW

Posted by Silverthorne on Jan 31, 2004 11:31 PM | Also by Silverthorne

Gender: Male, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Arizona, Country: United States

DMW,

Hello I'm Silverthorne. I've been posting here for a few years. You can read my story (Silverthornes Story) here in this victims section. While I'm dealing with issues to this day resulting from my own abuse I'm not a sex offender and don't condone any type of contact sexually between adults and minors.

You asked for someone who has "been there". I guess I'm it (read my story you'll see).

You raise a bunch of concerns about your daughter. I'll try to address them as best I can. First lets talk about the dynamic of sexual abuse and what happens when a child is victimized.

1) A child who is victimized in effect "grows up to fast". What that means is thier normal development emotionally is leapfrogged into adulthood and adult type conduct. They skip the normal "growing up" experiences of puberty and teen years. They also (if the abuse was very traumatic) skip something much worse.

2) Social development. A normal child growing up will have age appropriate peers. They'll make friends, lose friends, fall in love the first time, have a crush, all the normal things kids do with "emotional sexuality" (my name for it). When a child is abused this social development is also leapfrogged into adulthood.

In your daughters case she was made a "peer" by this man. She was told how she would be a "10". She was complimented. To be honest it happend quickly for her and I'd wonder if there were previous visits when there was other "grooming" type behavior going on? I'm sure if you look back there will be other little "things" you now can notice.

So your daughter was assaulted over a period of time. First its important to find out what exactly he told her. She never told apparently because she was concerned it might affect you or her father who was sick. So her heart was in the right place and she carried the burden. Now its time to let her leave the burden behind.

As a child I was happy and outgoing. But suddenly I became a reculse, moody, spending time alone, not seeing friends, avoiding hugs, just wanting to be left alone. Sound like her? Thats me I described but it could be ANY abuse victim. Looking back now its easy to recognize the signs isn't it? So what do you do now? Do you comment "If I had only known" to her? Do you remind her sometimes about it (even nicely) under the guise of compassion? This will sound insensitive (dont take it that way) but one of the WORST things you can do for an abuse victim is to remind them of it. I deal with a 70+ year old mother who still once in a while wanders off and talks about "him" and what happend. Blaming "him" for everything bad that ever happend. DONT DO THIS! Your daughter is a victim but you can victimize her again by reminding her of that. Don't pressure her or try to force your way in (you said you cant get thru to her). She will come around in her own time. Its a survival mechanism.

You said she's in therapy. What kind of therapy? Is it inpatient or outpatient? Is it with a specialist in sexual abuse or just some hospital shrink? This is VERY important. Child sexual abuse is a very specialized field. You need to see EXPERTS not laymen. Anyone can get a Psychology credential and hang up a shingle. You need to find a real expert to talk to her. It may not get thru to her right away but eventually it will. Until then you need to be supportive WITHOUT constantly reminding her she is a victim.

As I said previously one of the biggest issues with abuse is the diminished social skills. I know myself you retreat into a shell (where its safe) and don't want to let anyone in. I assume she didn't have many friends after this? She needs to get out more and be around people. Even if she doesn't talk get her out and about. Being alone all the time isn't healthy (I know I still do it).

I'm not sure about the criminal justice system in Canada. What have they said about prosecuting this man? He's claiming "false repressed memory syndrome" a very difficult defense. Does he have a lawyer already? Whats the status of the case?

I'm going to recommend you visit this website;

http://www.ipt-forensics.com/

Now I'll come right out and tell you I dont think much of IPT. When I was suing over my own abuse the defense hired these guys to try and discredit me (it didnt work). You might checkout thier website and some of the links/articles. While you believe your daughter is telling the truth you need to understand what this mans defense is all about. THIS is the kind of stuff they'll be throwing at your daughter if it does go to trial. These guys are "experts" at repressed memory and false claims. Read thier stuff and educate yourself.

I'm also going to recommend these books to YOU as a mother (because you sound alot like my mom did when this all came out about my own abuse):

BOOK:
Beginning to Heal : First Steps for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse

LINK:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/006096927X/ref=pd_sim_books_2/102-
7521804-2537711?v=glance&s=books

BOOK:
The Courage to Heal - Third Edition - Revised and Expanded : A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse

LINK:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060950668/inktomi-bkasin-20/ref%3Dnosim/
102-7521804-2537711

Both of these books are great resources. If nothing else buy them for yourself to read so you better understand what's going on with her. Another good book I know of thats geared toward male victims is called ABUSED BOYS by MIC HUNTER. Its pretty good and you might check it out.

I've provided links to Amazon.com where you can order those books. If you do order them please go directly there from this site so Steve the webmaster can get credit for sending you there. He gets small "commission" (like pennies) that helps offset the substantial costs of maintaining this website and forum.

Finally you asked for someone who has "come thru it" to give you hope. Hope....... that is what your asking for isn't it? I'm sorry to say I can't give you hope in the traditional sense. Being sexually abused will always be a part of a victim. The key though is learning to live with the fact it happend and learning to work around it. I will always have trouble trusting people, making friends, I'll always prefer my own company and privacy. But I do go out now. I do have some friends. Am I "normal" for someone just past middle age? No of course not but I'm working on it. Working on it is the key. It wont just heal itself it takes alot of work. I honestly can't tell you how to get thru to your daughter. She will have to come to the realization in her own time that she is a good person and can work thru this. I think alot of what shes feeling is powerlessness. She needs to get some power back into her life. To do that she needs to get proper EXPERT help to deal with what happend.

Silverthorne

(If you like you can Private Message me with any personal questions. Also I often refer people to therapists who need them. If you can send me a PM message with your province in Canada and the nearest major city I'll attempt to find someone for you who is an expert in dealing with sexual abuse victims).

See an abbreviation or acronym, but don't know what it stands for? Consult the Glossary.

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Message 126605

Posted by deadmomwalking on Jan 31, 2004 07:29 AM | Also by deadmomwalking

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: N/A, State: N/A, Country: Canada

I apologize for the length of this post but I had to get this all down somewhere to try and make sense of it.

My 17 yr old daughter has been suffering from a variety of anxiety/depression related disorders the last few years – anorexia, compulsive exercising, suicidal ideation and attempts, panic attacks, insomnia, headaches, stomach-aches and auto-immune disorders.  We have been through the wringer and been to numerous health-care professionals trying to figure out what could have possibly caused an academically-gifted, beautiful, talented girl with a loving family to have such low self-esteem, hate herself so much and be so afraid of life.  A couple of months ago, while in hospital for depression, she disclosed that she had been repeatedly sexually assaulted by a close family friend when she was 12 to 13.  This guy is married, has a daughter her age, seems completely normal, has been a “good” helpful neighbour and model citizen.  At 12 my daughter was just beginning to show signs of puberty but oblivious to boys; she was happy, energetic, talented and sweet, if a little timid and overly eager to please. He has stolen her innocence, her normal teenage development. She seemed to have such potential and we had such great hopes for her.  Now we just hope to keep her alive.

At first I simply could not believe it.  Surely she must have somehow imagined it! Maybe it was her medications or her lack of sleep.  Maybe it caused her to hallucinate.
1.	How could we not have known?  Wouldn’t we have noticed her distress?  We spend a lot of time with our kids.  They are not long out of our sight.
2.	When would she have even been alone with him?
3.	How could it happen again and again?
4.	Why didn’t she tell us?
5.	How could he sit across the table from us, smiling sympathetically as we worried over our daughter’s health, knowing what he had done.
Answers:
1.	The assaults began when my husband was diagnosed and being treated for cancer.  The children spent a lot of time at other houses, including the perp’s, and any distress we noticed we would have attributed to stress over her dad’s illness.
2.	She would go over to visit her friend.  The mom worked afternoon shift.  The perp was often home alone and would invite her in to “wait”.  The perp would pick her up from school, even though his daughter had gone elsewhere.
3.	From the first assault when she didn’t tell she was trapped.  She was living in a surreal world, trying to pretend nothing had happened.  We encouraged her friendship with the daughter, sending her over to see what K was up to.  We put her in harm’s way.  Perhaps she even thought we approved.
4.	She was so ashamed and confused.  She couldn’t believe it was happening.  He told her it was her fault.  He told her it would kill her parents if they knew.  He told her that it would destroy their families if anyone found out. She tried to tell us by repeatedly refusing to join us when we visit the family, even by running away once when we had invited them over for dinner – we thought she was being inexplicably difficult.
5.	Either he is a complete psychopath or he is a pathetic coward who will sell his soul to save his worthless hide.

The assaults pretty much ran the gamut of “normal” heterosexual activity.  That is as normal as you can get when a 45 yr old man rapes a little 12 year old girl.  The first time he invited her in, played good host, chatted and joked with her before moving over and putting his arm around her – “paternally”.  My daughter, a trifle uncomfortable, smiles sweetly.  He tells her how “pretty” she is, how she is “developing nicely” and how she is going to be a “10”.  He slips his hand under her shirt.  She isn’t wearing a bra because she isn’t that developed yet.  She tries to squirm away.  She is scared and says “Please, no” but continues to smile at him – a trusted father figure she has known since kindergarten.  He whispers more sweet nothings and continues to try and get under her clothes.  He tells her he is going to show her “something nice that friends do for each other”.  The assault proceeds – I will spare you the details.  At some point when she is terrified and crying he yells that if she didn’t want to finish she shouldn’t have got started.  He asks her to do things that horrify her and she doesn’t understand.  By this time she is sobbing and petrified.  Suddenly he stops and says he is sorry, that he couldn’t help himself because she was so sexy, he gently helps her get her clothes back on.  He is a completely different person – back to fatherly friend. He tells her that no one can ever know – it might kill her parents.  That it would destroy their families.  My daughter doesn’t remember going home or anything that happened afterwards.  The second time was worse, she says but she can’t remember it all, only that it started out much the same and she remembers being under him and feeling as if she was being suffocated and that it really hurt.  She closed her eyes and “went somewhere else”.  She cannot or will not talk about the details of the other assaults, which continued for about a year.  She continues to blame herself, saying that “it wasn’t really his fault” or “it was partly my fault”.  When I ask her why she says, “because I am a freak”, “because I was smiling and laughing at his jokes – he thought I was flirting with him” or “because I went over there, even though it had happened before – I was stupid”.

She first disclosed to a nurse when she was in the hospital.  She was not prompted to do so.  She frightened by the violence of another patient and the feeling of panic brought memories to the surface.  Sexual abuse has never been a hot topic of therapy sessions (although I am not sure why).  She had been asked a couple of times whether she had been sexually abused – she said she never knew what that meant.  The story is coming out in pieces, as she remembers more details and as she sees that she is believed.  It does not have the feel of a fabricated or imagined story.  The narrative doesn’t make sense at times, the details do, however. She does not make any attempt to present herself in a good light and she tries to excuse the perp’s behavior.   For a month after her initial disclosure she refused to name the perp, even though we pressed her to.  However little by little, it became obvious who it was, although when asked out right she would deny it. Finally she told me who it was and told her therapist she had told me.  From this point on everyone was after her to go to the police.  We told her the decision was up to her and we would support whatever action she took.  The police came to the hospital one night when we were out of town and sat with her until she agreed to give a statement.  They then asked her to press charges.  She was reluctant but they told her that other girls could be at risk so she finally agreed.

Even though I would love to see the creep behind bars I am very worried about the court thing.  There is no way my daughter is strong enough to go through a trial and it is unlikely it would result in a conviction in any case.  There is no doubt in my mind that the assaults occurred.  Her story is consistent and credible, even if some parts are missing.  She did actively avoid the perp, and later he noticeably avoided her.  The symptoms of her illness are consistent with PTSD.  Even though the police unanimously believed her story and thought he was lying, there is no physical evidence 5 years after the fact and she cannot even remember when the assaults occurred. It is her word against his.   She has offered to take a polygraph – he has refused.  He claims she is mentally ill (that much is true at least, thanks to him!) and that she has imagined the whole thing.  He claims false memory syndrome.  There is no reason for her to fabricate the story.  She has been good friends with the daughter and grieves over the loss of that friendship.  She is humiliated that her friends will know.  We have no axe to grind with the family (until now and now it is a very big axe) and this is Canada so we have nothing to gain financially and only things to lose by pressing this case.

She still cannot make sense of what went on.  She was a very young 12 – more like a 10 year old physically and emotionally.  She has not really matured.  She is terrified of sex and boys (I never understood this until now) and avoids all sexual material (movies or books).  She is relentlessly suicidal.  She believes her disclosure has brought the world down around around our family and his.  She misses her friend; she believes she has taken a good friendship away from me.  One night, after the disclosure but before it had been reported to police the wife dropped by to see how we were doing.  I hustled her out.  That night my daughter attempted suicide.  She continues to be almost relentlessly suicidal.  She self injures herself quite badly.  She has flashbacks and cannot sleep.  She does not want to sleep because for the first time in years she dreams and the dreams are awful.  She will have physical and emotional scars for life.  She is completely guilt-ridden and ashamed.  Up until a few months ago she was struggling through her eating disorder and depression to try and get her life back.  Now she has given up.  She says see is tired and just wants to stop existing.  She says she is a freak and was never meant to be.

I really need help to understand how someone could do this and look at himself in the mirror.  He is a practicing Catholic.  How does he justify himself to God?  By forcing her to carry the entire burden of his disgraceful actions he has brought her to the brink of death.  How can he continue to lie, knowing what those lies have cost her and our family?  He used to talk about what a great talented kid she was, how she was a lot smarter than him.  Did he imagine she was somehow his peer, that  it was just “an affair”, that a timid young girl was capable of consenting or saying no to a much larger and previously trusted father figure; that her nervous smiles were an indication that she was “enjoying it”.  What can possibly have been going on in his head.  Perhaps the “proud pedophiles” can explain this to me.

I do not know how to help my daughter.  She is getting daily counseling but she is not listening.  She is only listening to the tapes in her head telling her what a worthless piece of garbage she is.  I cannot seem to reach her.  Can anyone who has been there and come out on the other side give me advice on how to get through this?

Thread

126605, deadmomwalking, Jan 31, 2004 07:29 AM
      126650, Silverthorne, Jan 31, 2004 11:31 PM [Hello DMW]
            126812, deadmomwalking, Feb 03, 2004 05:39 AM
      126999, PVulcan, Feb 08, 2004 01:43 PM [Hi Mom]
      127741, Rachel, Feb 25, 2004 01:09 PM [If you need someone to talk to....]
            127824, deadmomwalking, Feb 27, 2004 10:09 PM
      127951, bess, Mar 02, 2004 12:17 PM
            128039, deadmomwalking, Mar 04, 2004 10:01 AM
      128107, bess, Mar 05, 2004 01:33 PM
      128147, glasschicken50, Mar 06, 2004 01:39 PM [the power of prayer!]
      128169, cathie, Mar 07, 2004 03:49 AM [deadmomwalking]
            129147, tryingtosurvive, Mar 25, 2004 04:18 PM [I dont have a clue ....]
            129149, tryingtosurvive, Mar 25, 2004 04:36 PM [just a ps]
                  129166, dp1, Mar 25, 2004 10:54 PM [TTS]
      130538, thumper, Apr 16, 2004 07:47 PM [Your daughters story is my own]
            130558, dp1, Apr 17, 2004 04:17 AM [thumper]
            130565, deadmomwalking, Apr 17, 2004 08:00 AM [thumper]
            130602, Silverthorne, Apr 18, 2004 03:30 AM [Thumper]
      130539, Rejected
      131206, betsemes, Apr 22, 2004 03:26 PM
            131220, TGoodman, Apr 22, 2004 06:38 PM [To betsemes]
            131249, deadmomwalking, Apr 22, 2004 09:40 PM
                  131333, betsemes, Apr 23, 2004 02:18 PM
                        131336, betsemes, Apr 23, 2004 02:56 PM
                              131353, steve, Apr 23, 2004 04:55 PM
                                    131364, betsemes, Apr 23, 2004 05:18 PM
                                          131375, steve, Apr 23, 2004 06:03 PM [Explanation of what happened ...]
                                          131485, deadmomwalking, Apr 24, 2004 08:21 AM
      131323, bess, Apr 23, 2004 07:57 AM [Shamans and other healers]
            131486, deadmomwalking, Apr 24, 2004 08:25 AM
      133583, greatdad53, May 14, 2004 02:20 AM [My daughter and I both feel your Pain!]

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Sex Offender Registries, Sex Offenders Search, News, Info and Discussion

Forum: Victims and Survivors CornerThread (Discussion): need to vent and understand

Message 126650 (In Reply to Message 126605)Hello DMW

Message 126605

Thread

Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): need to vent and understand

Message 126650 (In Reply to Message 126605)
Hello DMW