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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): Silverthorne's Story
Message 124791
Posted by Silverthorne
on Jan 12, 2004 12:53 AM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
This is a "paste copy" of the main Silverthornes Story thread in the main forum. Im posting the sections about my abuse here. Other issues about me are in the other thread and can be discussed there.
CHAPTER ONE - A NORMAL LIFE
I grew up in an upper-middle class suburb of Minneapolis. My father was a police chief and my mother a medical professional. While we weren't really wealthy we never wanted for anything. We had a cabin up north on a lake, a new car every couple of years, boats and motorbikes, all the toys and trappings of the American Dream.
Around age eight I joined the cub scouts. I was very active, had many friends and was very outgoing. I had blonde hair and was very "cute". I'd often tag along with my folks at parties and was very inquisitive. I'd ask questions and enjoyed reading and building things. I organized a neighborhood club of friends (The Explorers -cute name huh?) and was its President. We had a clubhouse in one of our garage bays and held meetings. We did projects like rake the neighbors yards for cash and in the spring I organized a lawn mowing service with the other kids. We made up business cards too.
CHAPTER TWO - THE NIGHTMARE BEGINS
Like went on normally until I entered 5th grade. My best friend (another policemans son) and I were in the same class. The teacher was a younger man who was very "mean". He would yell alot, tip desks over spilling the contents and was generally rude to the students. On one occasion while in another class for Reading a student came "flying" into the room and landed in the back coat closet. He came storming in behind him screaming and yelling. The kid was crying and the teacher and our reading teacher dragged him out.
One day in October (Wednesday) I had worn my scout uniform and was waiting out front for some friends to walk the half mile to someones house for the weekly den meeting. I had forgotten my neckerchief at home and was standing out front by the flagpole. The teacher pulled up in his car and asked if I'd like a ride. I told him I'd forgotten it and he said he'd give me a ride home. While I didn't really want to go with him I did anyway.
I sat in his car and he headed toward his house. He seemed friendly (unusually so) and I was a bit relaxed. Maybe he wasn't so bad after all. We approached a new housing development that was going up and he asked me if I'd like to see where he was going to move. I really didn't want to but I said "sure" and he pulled in. He drove to the back of the development to a house that was framed and walled (interior not really done). He stopped and got out and told me to "come on". I followed him in.
CHAPTER THREE - THE ASSAULT
Once inside he shut the door and walked over to the living room area. He then became very angry suddenly. He grabbed me by the neck and told me to take off my shirt. I was scared and unbuttoned it and removed it. He then produced some clothesline and tied my hands behind my back.
After this he backed me up to a wall stud (interior was mostly framed but drywall wasnt up) and tied my neck to the stud and a crossbeam. He then got on his knees in front of me and unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them and my shorts down. He then began to perform oral sex on me.
I was crying by this point and couldn't get aroused. This seemed to make him mad. He stood up, untied the rope around my neck and forced me to my knees. He opened his pants and forced me to perform oral sex on him. He was very rough and I was gagging and crying while he was pulling my hair. He finished and I promptly threw up on him. It got all over his pants and he was very angry. He hit me a few times (not really hard but it hurt) in the stomach. When he let me go I laid there sobbing. He was furious with me and did some other things to my "private parts" which have left me disfigured to this day (I dont talk about it).
He pulled my pants and underwear all the way off and removed his pants. Then he rolled me over and attempted to rape me. He wasn't having a very good time of it and I was crying alot. He proceeded to gag me by shoving my shorts in my mouth and using saliva managed to lubricate himself enough to allow entry. It was incredibly painful and hurt more then anything I've ever experienced since.
He performed anal sex on me for close to 20 minutes. I believe I passed out a couple times. When he finished he got up and forced me to clean him off. Then he untied me. I was ordered to get dressed. I wasn't sobbing anymore just kind of numb. He kept my underwear with him. He told me he would kill my parents if I ever told anyone. He then drove me home.
When I got home I was alone. My parents were gone that week at a chiefs conference so I was supposed to stay overnight at a friends house. I went over there but didnt say anything. That night I had an accident (bedwetting). After this night I began bedwetting nightly, something I hadn't done for years.
The next day in school he seemed somewhat nicer to me. He had me come back to the classroom after lunch instead of going outside for recess. When I got back to the room he got rough grabbing my arm and reminding me I could never tell what happend.
CHAPTER FOUR - RETURN FOR MORE
A couple days later he told me to accompany him to the teachers workroom to get some stuff. We went to the room and he locked the door. He dropped his pants and forced me to perform oral sex on him again. He appeared to get scared and didn't finish. We got the supplies and returned to the room.
A few weeks later he again told me to come to the class after lunch instead of going outside to recess. He then forced me to perform oral sex on him in class while everyone else was outside.
This was a regular pattern for the remainder of the school year. There was one other occasion where he attempted anal sex but didn't complete it. He would normally get me to stay after lunch and force me to perform oral sex while everyone else was gone. He would only do this Wednesdays (which is when I wore my scout shirt) and would often keep my underwear (he'd have me take it off and he'd keep it).
CHAPTER FIVE - BACK TO SCHOOL
After that school year I went to 6th grade. Still my complete personality had changed. Instead of being outgoing and friendly I became a recluse. I hid in my room for days on end and read encyclopedias for fun. My friends stopped coming around because I was so distant and I began "hating" everyone. I also was bedwetting and would do so until I was 13. I began having night terrors where I'd wake up screaming. My parents had to move my bed away from the wall because I'd kick the wall in my sleep.
As a result of bedwetting I underwent two experimental surgeries to correct this. They were unsuccessful and very painful. They involved stretching the urethra (sometimes when awake in the office with a probe) which was incredibly painful. I can remember being in the doctors office screaming when they did this. To be honest this was more horrible then being raped. In a way it was like being raped twice.
Life went on but I was a recluse. While I was smart and always scored in the high 90th percentile in classes my schoolwork suffered. I gained weight and became a target of ridicule among other kids. I never had a girlfriend or anything else like that. Never went to the prom. I played hockey and devoted my time to that. I was very successful at hockey but I didnt parlay that into other friendships.
At least not friendships with kids my age. By the time I was 13 I was noticing an infatuation with younger boys. I wanted to tie them up and do things to them sexually. By this time I had blocked out all memories of my own rape. I knew something had happend but didnt have any details. Still the younger boys were very exciting for me. Sometimes I'd trick them into letting me handcuff them then I'd become aroused. While I never did anything with them I really wanted to. This continued up thru HS.
In high school I barely graduated ontime. Despite my 1300 SAT scores I nearly failed HS and had to make up a bunch of classes to graduate ontime. Now I'd be viewed as a "gifted student". Back then it was just "he doesn't focus". No one really knew.
CHAPTER SIX - ANCHORS AWEIGH
I entered the Navy and signed up for a six year advanced program. I scored a 97 on the ASVAB (entrance exam) and took the NFQT as well (Nuclear Field Qualification Test). My future was "set". I entered bootcamp and became a squad leader. I excelled and graduated in the top company in our class. I then went to submarine school. Once there my problems began.
I began having violent nightmares about raping boys. I was attracted to boys, I already knew this, and satisfied these desires by masturbating to pictures of boys in magazines. The nightmares continued and I began to struggle. After finishing school and going out to work I returned to shore and A-School. While I was there they became worse and I washed out. I was sent to the fleet where I struck for the ET rate (eletronics tech).
My fantasies about boys were become stronger. I was masturbating on a daily basis and when I'd go out I would purposely follow boys around. It was out of control.
One day I was hanging over the side of the ship when I started screaming. I honestly don't remember what happend as I woke up in a naval hospital psych ward but they said I was crying and blabbering. One thing that was different though was I now had memories of being raped. The doctors theorized that being secured in a harness (tied up) brought back memories of being tied up and raped.
I spent two months in the hospital and received a medical (honorable) discharge. I wanted to stay in but they dumped me anyway. I'm still very resentful about it.
CHAPTER SEVEN - BACK HOME AGAIN
After this I returned home and started looking for help. I found a therapist who deals with sex offenders and saw him for a few months. It was very expensive and I couldn't afford it. I had seen some articles in the paper about a lawyer who was suing the Catholic Church for priest abuse. I called him up and he took my case. We filed against the school district.
NOTE:
There are a few more chapters to be found in the main Silverthornes Story thread in the General forum. They mostly deal with my lawsuit and my issues with pedophilia and seeking treatment for it. I wont post those items here since this is a "victim" thread.
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124791, Silverthorne, Jan 12, 2004 12:53 AM
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