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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): Victims - what happens when they dont come to terms

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Message 125016 (In Reply to Message 124677)
My thoughts

Posted by Rachel on Jan 14, 2004 03:07 PM | Also by Rachel

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: 40 - 49, State: N/A, Country: Australia

Silver, I just want to add a few of my own thoughts to your post.. For "whatever" reason, I think that writing all this down will make me feel better.
My no. 1 reason for being angry ( and biggest hurdle to come to terms with).
My now 13 yr old daughter has not developed into the person I anticipated her becoming...Well, before I knew her father was abusing her that is.
As a little one, she was confident, fun-loving, extroverted and unafraid. She didn't care if she fell off her bike, wasn't scared to climb to the top of trees, and never worried about getting lost or being separated from me...she was carefree and quick to laugh.
These days, she has a lot less confidence, doesn't like to be away from me for very long, has trouble concentrating, and most of the time she is vague and "away with the fairies", which has led her sister to begin calling her a "dumb blonde".
I don't know if she is like this because of her father or whether she would have become this way regardless of the abuse. I really really hate him for that.
I don't know if this is just her personality or it is her "sexually abused personality". I wish I could scream "will my REAL child please come out !"
I know it will be like this forever.....Everytime something changes in her, I will wonder if it's because of her past abuse.
Sometimes I feel that he stole everything that was my little girl, and replaced her with a whole new person.....It makes me reallllllly angry.
Ok, I don't normally get this worked up and upset, but I've really hit a nerve within myself tonight...I think I should leave before I jam my fingers through this keyboard....so much for feeling better.

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Message 124677

Posted by Silverthorne on Jan 11, 2004 12:02 AM | Also by Silverthorne

Gender: Male, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Arizona, Country: United States

This post deals with Victims of sexual abuse and how they can suffer ill effects if they dont deal with the results of thier abuse.  I'll be using myself as a "living laboratory" here.

First read my story here so you know what happend to me:

http://www.sexcriminals.com/forums/101/12236/121554.html

Silverthorne the Victim:

Ive never really thought of myself as a victim.  Because I've had to deal with my problem (pedophilia) and its unhealthy urges thru therapy there really hasnt been time.  Ive been willing to say "Im fine" and "Im over it" but clearly Im not.  Now that my problem is under control and not an issue for me I find Im dealing with new feelings and emotions resulting from my experience.  While I may have forgiven the man who raped me years ago I find Im still very angry over my life as its played out because of it.

Why Im angry

1) Im not "normal" sexually.  Im not hetrosexual (or homosexual for that matter).  Because my attractions lie elsewhere I'll never experience "true love".  Oh sure I may have substitutes but it will always be "second best".  That makes me angry.
2) Im a loner.  I spend all my time alone.  I hate people.  Even going out to eat is a nightmare for me.  Im so self-conscious.  
3)  I cant get clean.  Sometimes I feel so "dirty".  Like I cant scrub away what happend in the shower.  Just remember what he did to me reminds me how invasive and painful it was.  It was truly a case of "taking me".  I feel he took something I'll never get back.
4)  I have phobias about my safety. I check the door locks 5x a night.  I lock my bedroom door.  I have guns around.  Im paranoid but I dont know of what.  I just feel "unsafe" alot.
5)  I want to be a dad.  I want a son.  I think I'd be a great father. I know I wouldn't do anything.  But I can't.  Who can take the chance.  I'm angry the joy of fatherhood has been stolen from me like this.  Im angry that I know I cant have this experience.  Hell I get angry seeing the tax rebates for parents and their kids when I cant get one.  Its displaced.  Its not the real reason Im angry . Im angry because I'm not a parent.
6) My parents.  Im angry at the way its affected my parents.  My mother especially. She needs some serious therapy (finally getting some - started last week - thank GOD!!!).  Im angry.
7)  Marriage.  Im angry Im not attracted to women.  I'd love to get married, have a wife, but seeing as Im not attracted to them its a problem.  I get angry at tax breaks for families and lower tax limits for couples but Im not really mad at the government.  Again its displaced anger about my situation.

Clearly I have vicitm issues.  Why am I so angry?  What can I do to get over it?

Im seeing someone next week about it.  I hope they can help.  I hope they can "fix me" although I have doubts.  Clearly though by not addressing these victims issues early on I've paid a price.

So my message is simple.  If your a vicitm get help.  If your a parent of a victim you too should get help.  Sexual abuse affects everyone.

Silverthorne

Thread

124677, Silverthorne, Jan 11, 2004 12:02 AM
      124693, dp1, Jan 11, 2004 02:49 AM [Victim Issues]
            124702, Silverthorne, Jan 11, 2004 05:44 AM [Victims]
                  124718, dp1, Jan 11, 2004 03:02 PM [What About?]
                        124755, Silverthorne, Jan 11, 2004 07:48 PM
                        124762, steve, Jan 11, 2004 07:55 PM
                  124729, orolan, Jan 11, 2004 05:26 PM
                        124739, dp1, Jan 11, 2004 06:45 PM [Yes]
      124761, Silverthorne, Jan 11, 2004 07:54 PM [The other "big thing" Im angry about]
      124896, dp1, Jan 13, 2004 05:00 AM [Questions for Silver]
            124903, Silverthorne, Jan 13, 2004 06:25 AM [Victim Questions - answers from Silver...]
                  124928, dp1, Jan 13, 2004 02:49 PM [Silver]
                        124947, Silverthorne, Jan 13, 2004 04:37 PM
      125011, dp1, Jan 14, 2004 09:03 AM [Victim Therapists]
            125032, Silverthorne, Jan 14, 2004 06:02 PM
      125016, Rachel, Jan 14, 2004 03:07 PM [My thoughts]
            125033, Silverthorne, Jan 14, 2004 06:18 PM [To Rachel]
                  125180, PVulcan, Jan 16, 2004 06:59 AM [Rachel]
                        125281, Rachel, Jan 17, 2004 08:50 AM [Wish I lived in th USA]
                              125603, PVulcan, Jan 20, 2004 10:07 AM [Rachel]

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Sex Offender Registries, Sex Offenders Search, News, Info and Discussion

Forum: Victims and Survivors CornerThread (Discussion): Victims - what happens when they dont come to terms

Message 125016 (In Reply to Message 124677)My thoughts

Message 124677

Thread

Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): Victims - what happens when they dont come to terms

Message 125016 (In Reply to Message 124677)
My thoughts