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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): Victims - what happens when they dont come to terms

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Message 124903 (In Reply to Message 124896)
Victim Questions - answers from Silverthorne

Posted by Silverthorne on Jan 13, 2004 06:25 AM | Also by Silverthorne

Gender: Male, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Arizona, Country: United States

Good questions DP1, Ill try to answer them for you.

"Ive never really thought of myself as a victim.(silverthorne)
What do you mean? (DP1)"

I guess I mean Ive been so wrapped up in other problems in my life I've never really viewed myself as a traditional "victim". I mean in retrospect I've been damaged far worse then most abuse victims yet I didn't really view myself as a victim because it wasn't helpful at the time. Victim=Anger. Maybe I was avoiding the anger I feel now?

"Have you really forgiven this man? Really? Or is it just a nice thing to say because you have Christian values and choose not to show your anger? Can it be true that you’ve forgiven him and not yourself?"

Actually yes I forgave him. You forget my problems sexually have forced me to understand just how something like this happens. I can "see" how someone can do something like this. I'll never understand though how someone can NOT resist. I mean I've been controlling my life all along. I get angry when I read about people who give in and hurt others.

"I don’t buy any of that Silver; it’s all rhetoric to justify why you don’t get on with life and engage in an adult/adult relationship. Why not just get right to it and say that you’re scared to approach adults (male or females) for the purpose of a satisfying relationship? "

Yes and no. I am very paranoid about letting people close to me. But dont forget I'm not sexually attracted to them. I guess if a "satisfying relationship" can be had without sex I'd be capable of having one?

"Sorry. My denial continues. If you hated people you wouldn’t even be interacting on this site. I haven’t seen any evidence of hate for humanity in your posts. You are always polite, friendly and respectful of others. If you hated people your posts would reflect anger, disrespect and zero tolerance for other viewpoints."

Most victims of sexual abuse will be able to relate to this. Its "the act". The act is what you do when your around other people. They think your happy, getting by fine, enjoying life. I go out with a smile, Im friendly, even today I had a guy comment to me "your very outgoing" (he was trying to offer me a job - I was a customer). I'm kind of the same way here. While I'm not "lying" or anything here I am able to maintain this facade because I'm anonymous. Its easier to talk about yourself this way. My "hatred" of humanity is a little misstated. I guess it would be better to say I enjoy my own company. I like to be alone. I often find myself very anxious around other people. It all relates to retreating into a shell. Another common behavior of abuse victims.

"Why would you love the idea about marrying a women if you weren’t attracted? Obviously you are attracted to women or you wouldn’t have this thought. "

Im in love with the "image" of marriage. You forget I'm a Mormon. Religion and marriage is a big deal in my church. I love the "image" of marriage. In other words I'd like to feel what my married friends obviously feel. Im upset that I dont.

Good questions DP1

Silverthorne

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Message 124896
Questions for Silver

Posted by dp1 on Jan 13, 2004 05:00 AM | Also by dp1

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Florida, Country: United States

Silver,

I love your post. You are able to articulate your feelings very well and they seem very appropriate. But, you know me, I have some questions and observations I'd like to share if that's ok?

<blockquote>Ive never really thought of myself as a victim.</blockquote>

What do you mean? Were you thinking you consented to sex with your teacher? Was it your fault he attacked you? If you were born female and the same thing occurred do you think you may have thought you were a victim at the onset of the crime?

<blockquote>While I may have forgiven the man who raped me years ago I find Im still very angry over my life as its played out because of it.</blockquote>

Have you really forgiven this man? Really? Or is it just a nice thing to say because you have Christian values and choose not to show your anger? Can it be true that you’ve forgiven him and not yourself? That wouldn’t seem fair since you haven’t done anything and he has completely ruined your life. Screw him. He doesn’t need to be forgiven. Wouldn’t it be more productive to forgive yourself? Who gives a crap about him? He sure as hell didn’t care about you now did he, Silver?

<blockquote> Im not "normal" sexually. Im not hetrosexual (or homosexual for that matter). Because my attractions lie elsewhere I'll never experience "true love". Oh sure I may have substitutes but it will always be "second best". That makes me angry.</blockquote>

I don’t buy any of that Silver; it’s all rhetoric to justify why you don’t get on with life and engage in an adult/adult relationship. Why not just get right to it and say that you’re scared to approach adults (male or females) for the purpose of a satisfying relationship?

<blockquote> Im a loner. I spend all my time alone. I hate people. Even going out to eat is a nightmare for me. Im so self-conscious.</blockquote>

Sorry. My denial continues. If you hated people you wouldn’t even be interacting on this site. I haven’t seen any evidence of hate for humanity in your posts. You are always polite, friendly and respectful of others. If you hated people your posts would reflect anger, disrespect and zero tolerance for other viewpoints.
 
<blockquote> My parents. Im angry at the way its affected my parents. My mother especially. She needs some serious therapy (finally getting some - started last week - thank GOD!!!). Im angry.</blockquote>

Yeah but you have some control over that. Surely they would get over it if they saw that you got over it. Better reason to continue with victim therapy and focus on getting on with life without labeling yourself as a result of the abuse.

<blockquote>Marriage. Im angry Im not attracted to women. I'd love to get married, have a wife, but seeing as Im not attracted to them its a problem. </blockquote>

Silver, this makes no sense. Why would you love the idea about marrying a women if you weren’t attracted?  Obviously you are attracted to women or you wouldn’t have this thought. Who’s in denial, you or me? Didn’t you mention in another thread that you found a certain female (movie star or something like that) attractive? I haven’t heard you say that you’re attracted to any men lately?

<blockquote>Im seeing someone next week about it. I hope they can help.</blockquote>

I hope you keep an open mind and let them help.

<blockquote>I hope they can "fix me" although I have doubts.</blockquote>

I have no doubts that you will fix yourself. It certainly would be a lot easier if you had faith in yourself and started trusting other people, don’t ya think?

DP1

Thread

124677, Silverthorne, Jan 11, 2004 12:02 AM
      124693, dp1, Jan 11, 2004 02:49 AM [Victim Issues]
            124702, Silverthorne, Jan 11, 2004 05:44 AM [Victims]
                  124718, dp1, Jan 11, 2004 03:02 PM [What About?]
                        124755, Silverthorne, Jan 11, 2004 07:48 PM
                        124762, steve, Jan 11, 2004 07:55 PM
                  124729, orolan, Jan 11, 2004 05:26 PM
                        124739, dp1, Jan 11, 2004 06:45 PM [Yes]
      124761, Silverthorne, Jan 11, 2004 07:54 PM [The other "big thing" Im angry about]
      124896, dp1, Jan 13, 2004 05:00 AM [Questions for Silver]
            124903, Silverthorne, Jan 13, 2004 06:25 AM [Victim Questions - answers from Silver...]
                  124928, dp1, Jan 13, 2004 02:49 PM [Silver]
                        124947, Silverthorne, Jan 13, 2004 04:37 PM
      125011, dp1, Jan 14, 2004 09:03 AM [Victim Therapists]
            125032, Silverthorne, Jan 14, 2004 06:02 PM
      125016, Rachel, Jan 14, 2004 03:07 PM [My thoughts]
            125033, Silverthorne, Jan 14, 2004 06:18 PM [To Rachel]
                  125180, PVulcan, Jan 16, 2004 06:59 AM [Rachel]
                        125281, Rachel, Jan 17, 2004 08:50 AM [Wish I lived in th USA]
                              125603, PVulcan, Jan 20, 2004 10:07 AM [Rachel]

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Sex Offender Registries, Sex Offenders Search, News, Info and Discussion

Forum: Victims and Survivors CornerThread (Discussion): Victims - what happens when they dont come to terms

Message 124903 (In Reply to Message 124896)Victim Questions - answers from Silverthorne

Message 124896Questions for Silver

Thread

Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): Victims - what happens when they dont come to terms

Message 124903 (In Reply to Message 124896)
Victim Questions - answers from Silverthorne

Message 124896
Questions for Silver