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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): Victims - what happens when they dont come to terms

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Message 124896 (In Reply to Message 124677)
Questions for Silver

Posted by dp1 on Jan 13, 2004 05:00 AM | Also by dp1

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Florida, Country: United States

Silver,

I love your post. You are able to articulate your feelings very well and they seem very appropriate. But, you know me, I have some questions and observations I'd like to share if that's ok?

Ive never really thought of myself as a victim.

What do you mean? Were you thinking you consented to sex with your teacher? Was it your fault he attacked you? If you were born female and the same thing occurred do you think you may have thought you were a victim at the onset of the crime?

While I may have forgiven the man who raped me years ago I find Im still very angry over my life as its played out because of it.

Have you really forgiven this man? Really? Or is it just a nice thing to say because you have Christian values and choose not to show your anger? Can it be true that you’ve forgiven him and not yourself? That wouldn’t seem fair since you haven’t done anything and he has completely ruined your life. Screw him. He doesn’t need to be forgiven. Wouldn’t it be more productive to forgive yourself? Who gives a crap about him? He sure as hell didn’t care about you now did he, Silver?

Im not "normal" sexually. Im not hetrosexual (or homosexual for that matter). Because my attractions lie elsewhere I'll never experience "true love". Oh sure I may have substitutes but it will always be "second best". That makes me angry.

I don’t buy any of that Silver; it’s all rhetoric to justify why you don’t get on with life and engage in an adult/adult relationship. Why not just get right to it and say that you’re scared to approach adults (male or females) for the purpose of a satisfying relationship?

Im a loner. I spend all my time alone. I hate people. Even going out to eat is a nightmare for me. Im so self-conscious.

Sorry. My denial continues. If you hated people you wouldn’t even be interacting on this site. I haven’t seen any evidence of hate for humanity in your posts. You are always polite, friendly and respectful of others. If you hated people your posts would reflect anger, disrespect and zero tolerance for other viewpoints.

My parents. Im angry at the way its affected my parents. My mother especially. She needs some serious therapy (finally getting some - started last week - thank GOD!!!). Im angry.

Yeah but you have some control over that. Surely they would get over it if they saw that you got over it. Better reason to continue with victim therapy and focus on getting on with life without labeling yourself as a result of the abuse.

Marriage. Im angry Im not attracted to women. I'd love to get married, have a wife, but seeing as Im not attracted to them its a problem.

Silver, this makes no sense. Why would you love the idea about marrying a women if you weren’t attracted? Obviously you are attracted to women or you wouldn’t have this thought. Who’s in denial, you or me? Didn’t you mention in another thread that you found a certain female (movie star or something like that) attractive? I haven’t heard you say that you’re attracted to any men lately?

Im seeing someone next week about it. I hope they can help.

I hope you keep an open mind and let them help.

I hope they can "fix me" although I have doubts.

I have no doubts that you will fix yourself. It certainly would be a lot easier if you had faith in yourself and started trusting other people, don’t ya think?

DP1

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Message 124677

Posted by Silverthorne on Jan 11, 2004 12:02 AM | Also by Silverthorne

Gender: Male, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Arizona, Country: United States

This post deals with Victims of sexual abuse and how they can suffer ill effects if they dont deal with the results of thier abuse.  I'll be using myself as a "living laboratory" here.

First read my story here so you know what happend to me:

http://www.sexcriminals.com/forums/101/12236/121554.html

Silverthorne the Victim:

Ive never really thought of myself as a victim.  Because I've had to deal with my problem (pedophilia) and its unhealthy urges thru therapy there really hasnt been time.  Ive been willing to say "Im fine" and "Im over it" but clearly Im not.  Now that my problem is under control and not an issue for me I find Im dealing with new feelings and emotions resulting from my experience.  While I may have forgiven the man who raped me years ago I find Im still very angry over my life as its played out because of it.

Why Im angry

1) Im not "normal" sexually.  Im not hetrosexual (or homosexual for that matter).  Because my attractions lie elsewhere I'll never experience "true love".  Oh sure I may have substitutes but it will always be "second best".  That makes me angry.
2) Im a loner.  I spend all my time alone.  I hate people.  Even going out to eat is a nightmare for me.  Im so self-conscious.  
3)  I cant get clean.  Sometimes I feel so "dirty".  Like I cant scrub away what happend in the shower.  Just remember what he did to me reminds me how invasive and painful it was.  It was truly a case of "taking me".  I feel he took something I'll never get back.
4)  I have phobias about my safety. I check the door locks 5x a night.  I lock my bedroom door.  I have guns around.  Im paranoid but I dont know of what.  I just feel "unsafe" alot.
5)  I want to be a dad.  I want a son.  I think I'd be a great father. I know I wouldn't do anything.  But I can't.  Who can take the chance.  I'm angry the joy of fatherhood has been stolen from me like this.  Im angry that I know I cant have this experience.  Hell I get angry seeing the tax rebates for parents and their kids when I cant get one.  Its displaced.  Its not the real reason Im angry . Im angry because I'm not a parent.
6) My parents.  Im angry at the way its affected my parents.  My mother especially. She needs some serious therapy (finally getting some - started last week - thank GOD!!!).  Im angry.
7)  Marriage.  Im angry Im not attracted to women.  I'd love to get married, have a wife, but seeing as Im not attracted to them its a problem.  I get angry at tax breaks for families and lower tax limits for couples but Im not really mad at the government.  Again its displaced anger about my situation.

Clearly I have vicitm issues.  Why am I so angry?  What can I do to get over it?

Im seeing someone next week about it.  I hope they can help.  I hope they can "fix me" although I have doubts.  Clearly though by not addressing these victims issues early on I've paid a price.

So my message is simple.  If your a vicitm get help.  If your a parent of a victim you too should get help.  Sexual abuse affects everyone.

Silverthorne

Thread

124677, Silverthorne, Jan 11, 2004 12:02 AM
      124693, dp1, Jan 11, 2004 02:49 AM [Victim Issues]
            124702, Silverthorne, Jan 11, 2004 05:44 AM [Victims]
                  124718, dp1, Jan 11, 2004 03:02 PM [What About?]
                        124755, Silverthorne, Jan 11, 2004 07:48 PM
                        124762, steve, Jan 11, 2004 07:55 PM
                  124729, orolan, Jan 11, 2004 05:26 PM
                        124739, dp1, Jan 11, 2004 06:45 PM [Yes]
      124761, Silverthorne, Jan 11, 2004 07:54 PM [The other "big thing" Im angry about]
      124896, dp1, Jan 13, 2004 05:00 AM [Questions for Silver]
            124903, Silverthorne, Jan 13, 2004 06:25 AM [Victim Questions - answers from Silver...]
                  124928, dp1, Jan 13, 2004 02:49 PM [Silver]
                        124947, Silverthorne, Jan 13, 2004 04:37 PM
      125011, dp1, Jan 14, 2004 09:03 AM [Victim Therapists]
            125032, Silverthorne, Jan 14, 2004 06:02 PM
      125016, Rachel, Jan 14, 2004 03:07 PM [My thoughts]
            125033, Silverthorne, Jan 14, 2004 06:18 PM [To Rachel]
                  125180, PVulcan, Jan 16, 2004 06:59 AM [Rachel]
                        125281, Rachel, Jan 17, 2004 08:50 AM [Wish I lived in th USA]
                              125603, PVulcan, Jan 20, 2004 10:07 AM [Rachel]

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Forum: Victims and Survivors CornerThread (Discussion): Victims - what happens when they dont come to terms

Message 124896 (In Reply to Message 124677)Questions for Silver

Message 124677

Thread

Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): Victims - what happens when they dont come to terms

Message 124896 (In Reply to Message 124677)
Questions for Silver