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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): Victims - what happens when they dont come to terms

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Message 124761 (In Reply to Message 124677)
The other "big thing" Im angry about

Posted by Silverthorne on Jan 11, 2004 07:54 PM | Also by Silverthorne

Gender: Male, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Arizona, Country: United States

There is one other "big thing" Im very angry about. Its probably the one thing that reminds me constantly of what happend.

Ive mentioned I was disfigured by this man. I also mentioned that after he raped me I started bedwetting and later when thru an experiemental surgery to stop that (it expanded the urethra (widend it - very painful)).

What I havent talked about is after the surgery I would have to go for "stretching" of the urethra. Basically he'd insert a probe type thing into my uretrha, progressively larger, to expand it. It hurt like hell to be honest. I screamed, it bled, it was horrible. To this day I still am more affected by that "cure" then the rape itself. I can still remember the pain. It was worse then being raped.

Last year I finally told my parents about the way that affected me. Because the bedwetting was caused by the rape (a psychological result) I blame the surgery on the guy who molested me too. But when I told my parents it hit them hard. They wanted to help me. They didnt have any idea this guy was a quack and the procedure was useless. I endured two of those surgeries and five or six "office visits". At least in surgery I was asleep. For the office visits I was wide awake. I can still remember hearing kids scream while I was in the waiting room. I have a real idea what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is like for war veterans.

So I have alot of anger toward the disfigurement I suffered both at the hands of the teacher (was kind of mild) and the doctor (was very noticable and I'm very self conscious). The fact I cant use a stand up urinal (and couldnt thru school) is something that makes me angry. I guess I have alot of anger.

Silverthorne

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Message 124677

Posted by Silverthorne on Jan 11, 2004 12:02 AM | Also by Silverthorne

Gender: Male, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Arizona, Country: United States

This post deals with Victims of sexual abuse and how they can suffer ill effects if they dont deal with the results of thier abuse.  I'll be using myself as a "living laboratory" here.

First read my story here so you know what happend to me:

http://www.sexcriminals.com/forums/101/12236/121554.html

Silverthorne the Victim:

Ive never really thought of myself as a victim.  Because I've had to deal with my problem (pedophilia) and its unhealthy urges thru therapy there really hasnt been time.  Ive been willing to say "Im fine" and "Im over it" but clearly Im not.  Now that my problem is under control and not an issue for me I find Im dealing with new feelings and emotions resulting from my experience.  While I may have forgiven the man who raped me years ago I find Im still very angry over my life as its played out because of it.

Why Im angry

1) Im not "normal" sexually.  Im not hetrosexual (or homosexual for that matter).  Because my attractions lie elsewhere I'll never experience "true love".  Oh sure I may have substitutes but it will always be "second best".  That makes me angry.
2) Im a loner.  I spend all my time alone.  I hate people.  Even going out to eat is a nightmare for me.  Im so self-conscious.  
3)  I cant get clean.  Sometimes I feel so "dirty".  Like I cant scrub away what happend in the shower.  Just remember what he did to me reminds me how invasive and painful it was.  It was truly a case of "taking me".  I feel he took something I'll never get back.
4)  I have phobias about my safety. I check the door locks 5x a night.  I lock my bedroom door.  I have guns around.  Im paranoid but I dont know of what.  I just feel "unsafe" alot.
5)  I want to be a dad.  I want a son.  I think I'd be a great father. I know I wouldn't do anything.  But I can't.  Who can take the chance.  I'm angry the joy of fatherhood has been stolen from me like this.  Im angry that I know I cant have this experience.  Hell I get angry seeing the tax rebates for parents and their kids when I cant get one.  Its displaced.  Its not the real reason Im angry . Im angry because I'm not a parent.
6) My parents.  Im angry at the way its affected my parents.  My mother especially. She needs some serious therapy (finally getting some - started last week - thank GOD!!!).  Im angry.
7)  Marriage.  Im angry Im not attracted to women.  I'd love to get married, have a wife, but seeing as Im not attracted to them its a problem.  I get angry at tax breaks for families and lower tax limits for couples but Im not really mad at the government.  Again its displaced anger about my situation.

Clearly I have vicitm issues.  Why am I so angry?  What can I do to get over it?

Im seeing someone next week about it.  I hope they can help.  I hope they can "fix me" although I have doubts.  Clearly though by not addressing these victims issues early on I've paid a price.

So my message is simple.  If your a vicitm get help.  If your a parent of a victim you too should get help.  Sexual abuse affects everyone.

Silverthorne

Thread

124677, Silverthorne, Jan 11, 2004 12:02 AM
      124693, dp1, Jan 11, 2004 02:49 AM [Victim Issues]
            124702, Silverthorne, Jan 11, 2004 05:44 AM [Victims]
                  124718, dp1, Jan 11, 2004 03:02 PM [What About?]
                        124755, Silverthorne, Jan 11, 2004 07:48 PM
                        124762, steve, Jan 11, 2004 07:55 PM
                  124729, orolan, Jan 11, 2004 05:26 PM
                        124739, dp1, Jan 11, 2004 06:45 PM [Yes]
      124761, Silverthorne, Jan 11, 2004 07:54 PM [The other "big thing" Im angry about]
      124896, dp1, Jan 13, 2004 05:00 AM [Questions for Silver]
            124903, Silverthorne, Jan 13, 2004 06:25 AM [Victim Questions - answers from Silver...]
                  124928, dp1, Jan 13, 2004 02:49 PM [Silver]
                        124947, Silverthorne, Jan 13, 2004 04:37 PM
      125011, dp1, Jan 14, 2004 09:03 AM [Victim Therapists]
            125032, Silverthorne, Jan 14, 2004 06:02 PM
      125016, Rachel, Jan 14, 2004 03:07 PM [My thoughts]
            125033, Silverthorne, Jan 14, 2004 06:18 PM [To Rachel]
                  125180, PVulcan, Jan 16, 2004 06:59 AM [Rachel]
                        125281, Rachel, Jan 17, 2004 08:50 AM [Wish I lived in th USA]
                              125603, PVulcan, Jan 20, 2004 10:07 AM [Rachel]

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Sex Offender Registries, Sex Offenders Search, News, Info and Discussion

Forum: Victims and Survivors CornerThread (Discussion): Victims - what happens when they dont come to terms

Message 124761 (In Reply to Message 124677)The other "big thing" Im angry about

Message 124677

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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): Victims - what happens when they dont come to terms

Message 124761 (In Reply to Message 124677)
The other "big thing" Im angry about